CINEFAMILY ISLAND SUMMER PARTY.
Posted on June 29, 2012 Leave a Comment
SATURDAY, 6/30 – 3:30 PM
CINEFAMILY ISLAND SUMMER PARTY
A SWELTERING QUADRUPLE FEATURE OF ISLAND CINEMA FLOTSAM!
Come don your flowered shirt, and bring your anthropomorphic volleyball pal — for as the temperature rises, what better place to be marooned at than The Cinefamily? It’s time to get sunbaked, beach-bummed and all-around enchanted as we celebrate the summer’s start with a lost-at-sea luau replete with a limbo competition, polynesian musicians and (fire!) dancers, cool tropical drinks, and an air-conditioned theater filled with a sweltering quadruple feature of island cinema flotsam. As the palms sway in the lilting breeze and the tiki torches blaze into the night, we’re gonna play you like a steel drum! Put that lei on — we said PUT IT ON! Stop crying! Limbo! Limbo ’til it hurts! Don’t stop ‘til you get enough!
– Cinefamily
Hard Ticket To Hawaii – 9:30pm-ish
Anyone who tuned into cable TV in the ‘80s or ‘90s after 11p.m. at night, or browsed through a dusty mom ‘n pop video store in the VHS era most certainly will have set their eyes at one time or another on the films of Andy Sidaris, the undisputed king of the “Triple Bs”: Bullets, Bombs and Babes. Featuring exotic locations, absurd plots, debatable acting and bikini-clad bimbos toting massive firepower, these flicks are a total blast to behold — and none are more gleefully ridiculous and fist-pumping than Hard Ticket To Hawaii, Sidaris’ masterpiece of wacky-ass destruction and toplessness. Wearing “barely-there outfits with the molecular weight of cobalt” (DVD Verdict), crimefighting duo Donna and Taryn are out to stop a gem smuggler, a huge killer snake pumped up with toxic chemicals, and other assorted bloodthirsty, sweaty sleazeballs. Also featuring a legendary, gory razor frisbee trick, lush Hawaiian travelogue footage and possibly the greatest use of a rocket launcher ever filmed, Hard Ticket is pure late-night heaven. Hard Ticket To Hawaii producer Arlene Sidaris will be here in person to introduce the film!
Dir. Andy Sidaris, 1987, 35mm, 100 min.
The Blue Lagoon – 7:00pm-ish
Hey, look what the tide dragged in! Why, it’s that incredibly horny, naked turtle-ridin’, placid and idyllic 13-year-old-girl fantasy of emerging sexuality that’ll steam your clam wiiiiiiiide open, The Blue Lagoon. With considerable nudity from its two young leads Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins, this one snagged immediate notoriety upon its original 1980 release, and was a formative moment of anticipatory drool for an entire generation of youngsters. Photographed beautifully by legendary cinematographer Nestor Almendros, this “sensuous story of natural love” is the ultimate teenage dream of what it would be like to be stranded on a deserted island — and is but a thinly veiled excuse to place its tanned and toned shipwrecked teen duo in a series of escalating coming-of-age calamities, most of which involve loinclothin’ it up. And who’s complaining? Uh, no one, that’s who!
Dir. Randal Kleiser, 1980, 35mm, 104 min.
SCHEDULE OF FILMS:
Swiss Family Robinson – 4:00pm
The Blue Lagoon – 7:00pm-ish
Hard Ticket To Hawaii – 9:30pm-ish
The Beach – midnight
ATTN: HYDRATED PIZZA FOR SALE.
Posted on June 26, 2012 3 Comments
If you’re like me, you’ve been on an epic pilgrimage to locate a hydrated pizza ever since you caught a glimpse of one back in 1989 in the McFly’s home kitchen. If you’re sitting there scratching your head, allow me to refresh your memory. First appearing in Back to the Future Part II, dehydrated pizzas were pizzas that were processed to the size of a cookie (4-inches in diameter) until hydration was performed to bring them to regulation size, in just a few seconds.
Families around the world during the 1989 vision of 2015 could perform food hydration with a Black & Decker Hydrator. These were similar to a microwave, except Hydrators were voice controlled, allowing the hungry user to speak into a speaker grille on the device and tell the machine what level to rehydrate at. When it came to pizzas, the equipment would complete hydration in approximately 12 seconds, leaving you with a steamy-hot 15-inch pizza ready to serve (half pepperoni + half green pepper pictured below).
Who other than Pizza Hut would be behind this evolutionary food science? Well disciples, the wait is over…a 100% authentic hydrated pizza in it’s foil packaging (seen below) has just been spotted on eBay from a seller in Italy. Now YOU can delve into a cheesy, chemicalized, heavily-nuked slice of rehydration of your very own for the ultra-low price of $15.94. Share it with whoever you deem worthy or just scarf it all down by yourself and tell people that if they want any, you’re going to have to barf it up, because it’s gone! Act now…this score of a lifetime ends very soon.
“Boy oh boy, Mom, you sure know how to hydrate a pizza.”
-Marty McFly
MAYBE TONIGHT.
Posted on June 18, 2012 5 Comments
It’s a good thing that the fine experts and engineers at Southern Sun Solariums have created ‘The Philips Sunpanel’, a fully operational solution to your nighttime tanning withdrawals. The Sunpanel easily mounts to any wall and tans two adults at once.
Maybe tonight you and a chosen woman will warm up under the radiation-emitting light bulbs while laying on your waterbed with a couple of pina coladas. Before you get your hands sticky with various oils and lotions, be sure to set Lovelock’s latest single, ‘Maybe Tonight’ on the turntable and queue up the Morgan Geist 9-minute instrumental edit…
Buy the vinyl + digital releases here
BARBARIC LYRICAL INSIGHT.
Posted on June 14, 2012 1 Comment
Consistently over the years one of the most sought out, ancient mysteries at TNUC Laboratories is that of the Barbarian Brothers. From their film career, to music videos, to even Barbaric fashions, the quest is never ending when it comes to these two Cro-magnon meatballs. We have scientists, historians and scholars working around the clock to find out anything and everything, from their origins to their whereabouts today. We’ve literally searched databases, abandoned gyms and interviewed countless meathead-mutants at Venice Beach to gather as much information as possible about the twins. The fact that they had such an explosion for such a brief amount of time, then to be dropped off the face of the earth so abruptly, adds to the reason why they’re iconic figures around these parts. Just like lost legends such as The Boz, Vanity, Beer Wolf and Cannon Films, they are everything TNUC stands for and earn a righteous spot in the TNUC ALUMNI.
We’re pleased to announce that for the first time ever, one of the most rare and obscure songs ever to be connected with a motion picture (not on soundtrack, no actual release…ever) has now been lyric-dissected by TNUC himself and presented here today. Tip: Listen to the song and follow along with David and Peter to the lyrics, like one of those Disney sing-a-longs.
“I’M A WILD ONE” LYRICS (as transcribed by Uncle T)
Don’t preach to me about right and wrong
The higher he climbed, the further he could see
I’m a wild one (no one owns me)
[Barbarian quotes]
The troubles the same, only the faces change
BRUTE STRENGTH…it’s the force, it’s the power of the mind!
I’m a wild one (no one owns me)
Guitar Solo!
Synth Solo!
It could rock the earth, it could shade the sun
p.s. If anyone agrees with me that Powerglove should totally do a version of this song in their style, like they did with ‘Maximum Potential’, drop them a comment on their FB page. I’ll start pooling some cash together if necessary. It just makes sense.
MAVERICK SOLITUDE.
Posted on June 11, 2012 1 Comment
It’s scenes like this that continue to rock my senses to this day. Note: if the sun is rising or setting wherever you are in the world right now, you’re in for a treat. If not, don’t fret, because this scene is about to take you there.
The heart-wrenching loss of co-pilot Goose was one of the biggest blows to mankind. But if you can somehow find the strength to pull yourself away from the grieving process for a moment, you’ll find solitude in this stunning clip. Here, Maverick is visiting Viper at his home on a late Sunday afternoon, coincidently the same time this post is being written. The loss of Goose is still very fresh in the air and the emotion is felt immensely in this scene. This is where my new-found appreciation for Top Gun stems from. The movie paints a picturesque vision of California that is unmatched in any other film. Add a chunk of swooping synths and ripping guitars to the score and you’ve found the key to TNUC’s heart. I’m on my 95th play of this scene and I don’t see myself stopping anytime soon.
With a popular and stellar soundtrack from start to finish, the Harold Faltermeyer track in this scene is missing. They’ve yet to release a full score or anything of greater quality than the following file. This was taken from a bootleg score of the movie. If you’d like to see Harold pull everything from his mighty vault and release something remastered that you can blast on your home audio system as you watch the tide come in from your porch, send Screen Archives a message demanding they do just that. In the mean time, here’s a free stream + download to get you through the next sunrise/sunset.
CRUDE DUDE RECORD REVIEW #2.
Posted on June 1, 2012 3 Comments
||| If you’re new to this, the following is part of an on-going series we’re featuring here that you’ll first be required to read about in an official “manifesto” at this location |||
– Stephen Pearcy, RATT
Before getting into the real stuffed-crust pizza of this forgotten record, let’s clear the air regarding the album artwork. One thing that didn’t help these bands during the tail-end of the scene was some of the poor, weakened artwork that accompanied many of these records. The unappealing, dull-colored imagery could be good for other genres, but not for the Crude Dudes of the business. Compare for a moment Ratt’s debut, 1984’s Out of the Cellar. The album artwork features a seductive girl (Tawny Kitaen) climbing out of a lit-up, foggy cellar. Jump six years later to 1990. You’re at the record store browsing around and in front of you is the artwork for Detonator — a dull, barely legible, crappy drawing of a bombed out building. Is that supposed to jump off the shelves and into your face? With the stripped down looks and stylings that were diseasing modern man, these bands bought into the trends and subdued their image. But at least in Ratt’s situation, the album made up for this. To quote Ratt drummer Bobby Blotzer, “the Detonator album was poised to be our Dr. Feelgood.”
The album begins with a bluesy, down-on-one-knee-guitar intro track courtesy of Warren DiMartini. This one could be humming in the background as your woman clenches on to you while you both stand out on your penthouse balcony in the balmy night summer air. You’re in that brand new red + purple satin blazer you bought on Melrose just that afternoon. The sleeves are pushed up, shoulders are padded and you’re feeling like a king. That feeling carries over and soon explodes into first single “Shame, Shame, Shame”. The bigger and bolder production is immediately heard and grabs you by the balls. In the first couple of minutes the band clearly has become louder and more polished than ever before. “Shame”is a pissed off war-cry to an apparent babe or two that has been unfaithful to lead rodent/vocalist Stephen Pearcy.
…Here’s Pearcy with possibly one of the alleged psycho-hose-beasts that sparked the lyrics to “Shame”.
Play the video above for further evidence that the Ratt clan were going for an all-things-HUGE vibe on this record. The production value compared to previous records is immediately recognizable. This is largely due from the assistance and, shall I say, disciplinary review from legendary producer Desmond Child. This guy deserves an entire spotlight of his own on TNUC. His list of production credits is massive and while he’s probably most known for resurrecting Aerosmith’s career in the late eighties, he’s also known for beating the living daylights out of musicians in the studio to get the perfect sound and take. Ratt wanted to take it to the edge on this record and give the changing music scene of 1991 a kick to the crotch. Child was hired late into the recording process of Detonator to help out with the writing.
Listening to highlights on the album such as “Heads I Win, Tails You Lose (feat. Jon Bon Jovi)”, “One Step Away” and “Can’t Wait on Love” will catapult your Crude Dude attitude to new levels that you hadn’t planned on reaching. You’ll be the talk of the town when you blast these numbers as you cruise down Sunset Blvd in your freshly waxed 4×4 pickup, wearing your oversized tank-top and 4″ above-the-knee British flag shorts (see Anthony Keidis in Point Break). You’ll pull over to stop for a mega-burger and to do some self-reflecting as the ballad “Givin Yourself Away” echoes on the stereo. You must have one of those long-butted-girl-magnets under the hood of your car because before you can slurp down the last drop of your 100% whey milkshake, the girls are demanding a spot in the bed of your truck as you continue the Detonator listening party ride.
Final track and personal TNUC favorite “Top Secret” wraps the album up with a bang and in my opinion, certifies Detonator as the quintessential album of the Crude Dude era. The band is firing on all levels and has never sounded so strong. The album was released in August of 1990. It wasn’t received well and opinions of the band at the time were clearly misunderstood. But in a time of oppression from radio and record companies, Ratt should be idolized for pushing themselves and delivering their most solid effort to date. This massively underrated and forgotten chunk of the Crude Dude era will echo on forever and be introduced in TNUC lectures to next-generation young Crudes who seek to embrace the lifestyle.
Buy Detonator here
uncletnuc.com 
