“Room for dessert?” Grandma TNUC asks in that sweet voice, as she slides a putrid-green thing filled with God-knows-what nuclear waste across the dinner table. Family members gasp and shriek in horror when they see what just landed on the otherwise very pleasant Thanksgiving holiday spread.
Kids at the kid’s table run away crying. In-laws quietly creep out the back door and get in their cars. It’s worse than any steaming roadkill scraped off the highway. It’s scarier than Aunt Bethany’s cat food Jell-O from the Griswold’s infamous family Christmas of 1989.
Poor old Granny T used to be a wonder in the kitchen. Her hot dog casseroles and ambrosia salads were talked about several towns away. But the old buzzard was finally showing her age and starting to lose her marbles. At the last family function, Cousin Larry found several cigarette butts in his soup, cranberry sauce mixed with moth balls, her new “Peppermint Schnapps Pie” recipe and finally, a hearing aid floating in a cup of Egg Nog.
Granny T tries her damnedest, but one thing’s for sure..she isn’t so out of touch or loopy to notice people’s reactions to her cooking. It breaks her heart to know that her time is almost up.
Suddenly from the living room there is a devastating stomping coming closer. People look up and it’s Uncle TNUC himself, abruptly waken from a 3 hour nap after polishing off that bottle of Wild Turkey in the morning. He witnesses what’s going on and sees Grandma TNUC’s heartbroken face. His fist slams down on the table, sending drinks splashing and the white fine china dinnerware chattering. He lashes out at the family members, scolding them about how ungrateful they’ve become. He mumbles something about how they could possibly treat Nana this way after “all she’s been through”. No one knows what this means, and he’s rambling…but they let him finish.
UT pulls up a chair and grabs a massive spoonful of Nana’s nuclear casserole. He swallows and then pauses. Suddenly a belch so loud erupts that it shakes the dining room table and even the family dog does the paws over the eyes thing. His face turns a sour, swampy color and seconds later he face-plants into the table.
Remembering what happened after that fateful dessert of 1982 is hazy but one memory is quite clear. After peeling his face off the dinner plate hours later, he went up to his old bedroom and put together another mixture of appetizing songs to help his symptoms. It’s the 3rd mixtape in the ‘Mystery Meat’ series and we have it right here in time for the holidays!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, DISCIPLES.
Listen however you please, but I strongly recommend taking this one on the road. Aside from being obviously food-themed, it’s also heavily inspired by TNUC’s favorite holiday travel movies. These songs make me think of the open road and the way the sun hits this time of year. Have fun.
The hardest part about parting ways with another Halloween season isn’t putting away the spooky decorations, tossing out the rotting pumpkins or balling up the cobwebs from the bushes in the yard. The painful thing to me is just how abrupt the end is. After all, from mid-September all the way to October 31st, it’s 125 mph and a total-nonstop-onslaught of Halloween the…entire…fucking…time. So when that final day arrives and things come to a screeching halt, it hits you like a sack of frozen turkeys.
But a little voice inside my head says “stop being a wuss” and it’s true. Halloween is special in that it happens once a year. Can’t stay too late at the party.
I’m thrilled with the response from this year’s mixtape “Night Beast 5: The Beast Child”. Thank you for listening and thank you even more for sharing the mix and spreading the word. I figured now would be the perfect time to share a song that didn’t make it on NB5 but still rules and should be cherished around the land of TNUC. Let’s call it a B(east)-Side!
“It Just Keeps On Coming” by David Palmer comes from the soundtrack to a little known movie called The Night Stalker from 1986. The film stars Robert Z’Dar, the guy with the giant face from Maniac Cop, among other films. I haven’t watched it yet but the plot revolves around a killer of the night stalking prostitutes, which the ideal storyline when I look for a film to enjoy with my family.
The song is beautifully haunting and I can see why it would be useful in a movie of this caliber. It conjures that perfect essence of a shadowy figure stalking the streets in the heart of the city. The night belongs to the girls…everyone is watching them…but someone is waiting for them.
The name of the singer, David Palmer, should ring a bell as he is the artist who granted us the mighty masterpiece “Silhouette” from 1985’s Teen Wolf. The song plays during the house party scene which features the ultimate party move…bowl of Jell-O down a girl’s shirt!
Cindy Davenport remembered that terrible night nine months before when she had been seduced by a man in wolf’s skin. Why had she been tempted in the first place by this fowl-smelling, beastly, bulging man? She did always envision the idea of possibly being lured by a vampire, who throughout the course of history have seduced even the most unsuspecting victims. But this thing, by all accounts, turned into a beast when the moon was full, bit the heads off of chickens and woke up naked covered in blood (and beer). The temptation of that night made little sense…but it had happened. And now she was giving birth to his son.
Cindy prayed the child would be normal, but as he grew up her most dreaded fears were realized: his large head, hideous face, terrible temper and animal-like behavior were all signs. Then came the first murder at the daycare center and the final realization…
CINDY DAVENPORT HAD GIVEN BIRTH TO A NIGHT BEAST.
Find out what happens to poor Cindy and her pint-sized creature of the night with NIGHT BEAST 5: THE BEAST CHILD. Another chapter in the Night Beast saga and TNUC’s 13th Halloween mixtape!
††† HAPPY HALLOWEEN DISCIPLES †††
CRANK THIS UP AS YOU GALLOP INTO THE NIGHT FOR A MIDNIGHT FEAST!
1) YNGWIE MALMSTEEN – ON THE RUN AGAIN
2) AUTOGRAPH – YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM THE BEAST INSIDE
3) THE FLIRTS – TEENAGE WEREWOLF (I WAS A)
4) WAYSTED – NIGHT OF THE WOLF
5) ECHO & THE BUNNYMEN – PEOPLE ARE STRANGE
6) THE BLASTERS – DARK NIGHT
7) ZOMBIE HYPERDRIVE – BLACK WOLF
8) THE PARTLAND BROTHERS – OUTSIDE THE CITY
9) METAL CHURCH – WATCH THE CHILDREN PREY
10) DAVID PALMER – SILHOUETTE
11) MÖTLEY CRÜE – GOD BLESS THE CHILDREN OF THE BEAST
12) FM – MAGIC (IN YOUR EYES)
13) TYPE O NEGATIVE – WOLF MOON
14) UMBERTO – THE CHILD (EXTENDED REMIX)
15) JAY CHATTAWAY – MAKING THE SILVER BULLET
A huge, huge thanks and praise to artist Ricardo Leon Cordero who airbrushed the Night Beast into the beautiful artwork you see today!
It’s time for another edition of TNUC’s Unsolved Mysteries, where Uncle T likes to resurrect the sweet but terrifying soul of the late-great Robert Stack to help us solve a ghoulish mystery. Today we’re shining a light on Ozzy Osbourne’s infamous giant demon bat!
Why, you ask? Because as thunderous of an arrival as the demon bat was during the “Ultimate Sin” days, it strangely vanished just as quickly as it appeared. Yet the visual remains synonymous with Ozzy to this day. It also so happens that just last week we wrote about Ronnie James Dio’s giant killer spider, so these are the sort of journalistic explorations you’re getting lately at Castle TNUC.
Exhibit 1: Most folks will remember the giant demon bat from cover of Ozzy’s ’86 album The Ultimate Sin. The Prince of Darkness always had a thing for vampires, wolves, ghouls and other monsters of the night, but this demonic, bat-looking version of Ozzy (what many assumed it was) almost seemed like the Ozzman was heading in the direction of having a metal mascot. He would have joined the ranks of Eddie (Iron Maiden), Murray (Dio), Vic Rattlehead (Megadeth), Iron Mask (Quiet Riot) and Allister Fiend (Motley Crue)…among others!
Exhibit 2: The big single from the multi-platinum album was “Shot In The Dark” and the equally popular music video absolutely owned MTV at the time. At around the 1:09 minute mark, the creature comes to life on stage, descending from the rafters and opening his wings to expose OZZY himself! Re-watch this classic video now. You’ll be glad you did.
Such an iconic moment. This particular era of Ozzy I like to refer to as Auntie Ozzy, because with all his glittery robes and frantic hair, he looked like a methed-out Golden Girl or just a kooky aunt living in Florida who gets too much sun.
Exhibit 3: Here’s where things get really confusing and quite frankly, falsely advertised. The demon bat started to appear on magazine covers and photo shoots, even going so far as to make the cover of the live home video release, “The Ultimate Ozzy”. Strangely enough however, the creature does NOT appear on stage in the live video or any documented concerts from what I’ve gathered.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I can’t even find footage that it was used at Castle Donington’s Monsters of Rock festival that year. Would they really have only used him for a single music video? Or is he decaying in a warehouse somewhere? Was Ozzy so high on cocaine that he got in a hallucinatory battle with the demon bat and did awful things to it, which afterwards the real truth was buried by Sharon Osbourne to never be spoken about? Very possible.
Exhibit 4: This photo in particular really bothers me. Metallica supported Ozzy on tour from March to August of 1986. The band were promoting the brand new album Master of Puppets. Here’s a damn photo of a homely teenage girl (oops I mean Lars Ulrich) hanging with the bat demon. For the life of me I can’t find any evidence that the monster was brought on tour. My only theory is that the winged creature had to have made an appearance during one of the European festival dates which both bands shared the bill. It must have been destroyed by accident and my money is on Ozzy doing something really dumb.
In these days of the internet, it’s confusing as hell that we aren’t talking more about this ginormous bat/serpent/demon monstrosity. I want to know more about the demon bat. Who made him, why is he green, what does he eat, how does he rank the Critters movies and where in my backyard would he look best?
Sadly we might never know the truth. Unless Robert Stack comes to visit me in a foggy cemetery dream tonight and solves the mystery,
Ronnie James Dio. The greatest heavy metal vocalist of all time. He would have turned 79 this year.
Dio’s band in 1988, a tight pack of monster players who are the best at what they do, performing at a high level every night and mystifying fans with their musical chops. What else could they possibly need, you ask?
An 8-foot wide giant robotic spider descending from the rafters, THAT’S WHAT, YOU IDIOT. Watch the video below to examine.
Who doesn’t love a good practical effect? OK fine, who doesn’t love a bad practical effect? I’m dead serious because even a big, goofy stage effect like this one is 10x more fun than the soulless, digital nonsense and giant screens we get shoved in our faces at some concerts these days. On Dio’s 1988 Dream Evil tour, a giant laser-deflecting spider crawled from the rafters and hovered over guitarist Craig Goldy during his guitar solo. They couldn’t just let him solo. He needed to fight an 8 foot arachnid. Was it cheesy? Yes. Was it incredible? Double fuck yes.
Now here’s where the pain sets in. TNUC missed out because just a few years ago the mechanical spider was sold in an auction!
LOT CLOSED – SOLD PRICE: $3,200
“A massive hydraulic powered welded aluminum black widow spider with eight fully articulated and bladed legs emanating from a central thorax fitted with eight spotlights with retractable caged head containing an additional light and red gel; the large abdomen houses various control and power mechanisms, including a Dayton motor. During the 1988 Dio Dream Evil Tour the spider was suspended above the stage and slain by the band. Currently housed in a grey rolling crate.”
Dio was always known for elaborate stage props, especially when he broke the bank on the previous Sacred Heart tour as he unveiled a massive dragon on stage. According to Craig Goldy in a recent interview “Ronnie practically cut his profit margin in half bringing the fans an 18 foot fire breathing dragon. It really did have fire coming out of its mouth, lasers shot out of the dragon’s eyes, and wherever that laser would land an explosion would take place, both visual and audio. He didn’t hike up ticket prices for all that…. it was his way of giving back to the fans.”
This is why I will always prefer a *good* roadside haunted house with DIY effects that you know they put a lot of work into, rather than screens or zombies and clowns roaming around at random. Give me a rotting cornfield maze featuring some grim reapers, paper mache props, foam graveyards, busty vampirellas, rubber props, airbrushed carnival art and someone going way too hard with the fog machine. My happy place.
Watching Dio’s giant spider reminds me of the 1986 movie Spookies, a certified classic on the Mount Rushmore of horror cheese. The special effects however, are unbelievably tremendous. The movie can be tough to sit through at 2am but man, you will never forget the practical effect scenes. My favorite being the “spider woman” segment (teaser above).
It’s probably a blessing in disguise that I didn’t get a chance to purchase the spider because knowing my luck, it would have come alive during a lightning storm one night. The last thing I need is Ronnie James Dio’s mechanical spider coming to kill me while I sleep. Although, I could have convinced an ex-girlfriend to go check out the box in the basement like in the Creepshow story “The Crate”. And just when she gets a little too close….
UNCLE TNUC’S DEAD. UNDEAD UNDEAD UNDEAD. Actually, quite the contrary because it’s finally fucking FALL again and that means Uncle T and most of you are feeling more alive than ever. It’s that special time of year again when pumpkin shaped Reese’s Cups and dollar store rubber rats come out to play. The crunch of leaves under my boots. The smell of apple cider donuts. It feels like somewhat of a spiritual awakening. In the coming weeks, rides in the car down country roads just become something else. As soon as that first sip of (spiked) generic red punch hits my lips on Halloween night, I’ll beg to hear “Dead Man’s Party” so I can get frisky on the dancefloor.
Turn up the volume and press play.
Turn up the volume and press play.
Turn up the volume and press play.
This 2022 season, the TNUC Manimal has vamped out in a major way by summoning the wretched spirit of one of his favorite bloodsuckers of all immortality, KURT BARLOW. The iconic vampire from Stephen King’s classic novel Salem’s Lot is truly one of the all time greats.
Especially when he turned into a blue-skinned Nosferatu with yellow eyes, hissing and screaming like a rabid animal in heat. The 1979 TV mini series directed by Tobe Hooper is such a special thing. WE WELCOME UNCLE BARLOW.
TNUC has a good amount of tricks up his sleeve this month for you disciples to devour. This year’s annual Halloween mixtape I’m especially excited about. It’s been as they say “in the can” for quite a while. Revisit all the TNUC mixtapes on Mixcloud while you wait for the new one!
Here’s one thing I can share right now. We have brand new, XL-sized sticker packs for sale in the haunted gift shop.
Click on the photo below to order!
Each set contains what you see in the photo:
(1) ‘Camp TNUC bumper sticker’ 11.5″ x 3″
(1) ‘Uncle Barlow’ 6.5″ x 7″
(1) ‘Face The Master headshot’ 3.5″ x 4″ (Each set includes a signed note from master TNUC)
I’ve always found it difficult to wrap up the first article of our little countdown to Halloween. So I’m going to stop writing and just leave you with the quintessential goth masterpiece that literally sounds like no other piece of music that came before or after it. Of course I’m talking about “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by Bauhaus. I also find that every time I look at this new Uncle Barlow artwork by Matt Skiff, for some reason this song starts playing in my head.