NIGHT BEAST 4: THE BEAST IN ME.

The crunch of dead leaves, the smell of wood burning stoves, apple cider mills and a four-legged, savage nomad they call The Night Beast. That’s exactly what came to our small town this Autumn season. For most people, 2020 had been dampened by a different threat. Not for the TNUC villagers. The only fear that filled the air was the stench of a lurking maneater they call The Night Beast.

For sorority sweetheart Cindy Davenport, all she thought about that year was how she missed Michael. Each time she attempted to forget him and date other guys, it was pure disappointment. Self-aware wimps, overly-politically correct and worst of all, listened to despicable music. Even when she took a leap of faith and hung out with one of the guys from the local heavy metal circle, he ended up being just a bookworm who loved intricate role-playing board games, his beard and craft beer. Yuck. They just paled in comparison to Michael aka The Night Beast.

Sure, this man she missed happened to be a man covered in fur who wandered the countryside, killing off innocent people and livestock. And yes, he had an insatiable lust for blood, beer and eating Old Man Covington’s entire pumpkin patch in one night. But for all his savagery and killer of the night instincts, he had a compassionate side that only Cindy got to see. He always treated her with respect and could show her a night on the town like no other. Cranking his Dokken bootlegs, galloping through the woods, over streams and under the pale moonlight with Cindy on his back. Then to end the night with candy apples, putt-putt golf and some rolling around in the hay.

When the college held their annual Autumn social, Cindy didn’t feel up for it. She told the other sorority sisters that she’d rather sit in the house and read monster books. A strange sensation of doubt come over her. She searched within her soul and asked why her one true love in this world was a creature from the darkest pits of superstition.

That evening she heard a rustling noise coming from the window trellis. A ghoulishly glowing set of eyes appeared as she got a whiff of stale beer and wet fur. Then an angry mob of villagers with pitchforks and flaming torches could be heard in the distance. HER MAN HAD RETURNED. She knew it was wrong. She knew it was dangerous. But she couldn’t resist. The Night Beast leaped up the side of the house and crashed through her bedroom window.

The angry mob were getting closer and Beast had only a moment to embrace Cindy. He stuck out his paw and handed her a crusty tape with the words NIGHT BEAST 4: THE BEAST IN ME. He snarled, belched and went crashing down the staircase, taking out the 300 pound sorority house mother in his path. Cindy held back her tears as she inserted the cassette into her boombox — but within 15 seconds of listening she smiled a sinister grin. For the very first time she dreamed of transforming into a she-beast and galloping into the night with her lover to devour anything in their path.

1) THE BEAST IN ME
2) DIO – EVIL EYES
3) WARLOCK – KISS OF DEATH
4) FELONY – I’M NO ANIMAL
5) VICTIM – SHE’S A SAVAGE
6) JUSTIN HAYWARD – SOMETHING EVIL, SOMETHING DANGEROUS
7) JOKER – PARTY FOR YOUR LIFE
TRANSFORMATION INTERMISSION (MILES GOODMAN – TRANSFORMATION)
8) KROKUS – NIGHT WOLF
9) JIM MANZIE – THE WAY OF ALL FLESH
10) CRAZY LIXX – KILLER
11) OINGO BOINGO – NO ONE LIVES FOREVER
12) AL FESTA – LIVING AFTER DEATH
13) BLUE ÖYSTER CULT – HARVEST MOON
14) METALLICA – OF WOLF AND MAN
15) POWER GLOVE – HAUNTED
16) JAY CHATTAWAY – LOOKING FOR MR. ONE-EYE
[download link]

††† HAPPY HALLOWEEN †††

A note from the author: For anyone wondering where “Bark at the Moon”, “Werewolves in London” and countless others are, you need to seek out the previous Night Beast chapters! There’s so much to devour. I’m insanely appreciative of the people who come here and actually read these articles. It’s easy to scroll through the social media dump and call it a day. To those of you I’m talking about, THANK YOU THE MOST!

NIGHT BEAST PART 1 | NIGHT BEAST PART 2 | NIGHT BEAST 3-D 

RONNIE THE DWARF.

Just how many tales have been told of a drunken, heavy metal dwarf? The answer is probably not many.

Tonight’s scary story dates back from 1981 when Ozzy Osbourne had a personal dwarf that he used in his live shows for both the Diary of a Madman and Speak of the Devil tours. John Edward Allen aka “Ronnie the Dwarf” was not only featured in the live performances but he also appeared inside of the classic gatefold of the Speak of the Devil album.

During the band’s performances of “Goodbye to Romance”, Ozzy would execute Ronnie on stage by hanging him from a noose. Allen would also make random appearances throughout the show to bring his master booze and towels. Ozzy gave Allen the stage name “Ronnie the Dwarf” as a direct shot to his former Black Sabbath band members and their new vocalist (the legend) Ronnie James Dio.

The story of John Edward Allen begins in Southhampton, Hampshire, England. He was a theater actor who had dreams of making it big in New York City. He would fulfill those dreams by performing in off-Broadway musicals and even had a gig at the White House for Jimmy Carter at one point. He also progressed his career into movies with roles in the 1978 John Carpenter film The Eyes of Laura Mars and 1982’s Bladerunner. The sky was looking bright for Allen aside from some demons he faced in his personal life. One of those demons was a hard alcohol addiction. The little fellow really loved the sauce and this would only skyrocket when meeting up with Ozzy Osbourne(!)

(Pictured right) John Edward Allen in 1982’s Bladerunner. 

Borrowed from Dangerousminds.net: On one particular occasion, Ozzy was chatting with a journalist outside the band’s tour bus when a seriously blotto Allen came stumbling by. This pissed off the Prince of Darkness and once Allen was within arms reach, he grabbed him and threw him inside the luggage compartment of the bus, leaning on the door so Allen couldn’t get out. The journalist recoiled in shock (which I find hilarious, because OZZY), then stammered at Osbourne telling him his treatment of Allen was uncalled for. Ozzy allegedly responded by telling the journalist he could do “what he liked with him” because he was “my dwarf.” Following this bizarre proclamation, Allen’s voice arose from the luggage compartment saying:

“He’s right, you know. I’m his dwarf, and he can do what he likes with me…”

When guitarist Randy Rhodes and four other people died after a plane crash during the North American leg of the Diary of a Madman tour, Ozzy’s drinking and drug use soared to new levels. Allen also paralleled this behavior and things progressively got worse for the whole tour. He continued to swing from the noose on stage during the Speak of the Devil shows. When the tour wrapped up, Allen was either fired by Ozzy or he moved on. The truth is up for debate.

Allen appeared in a few more films and then tragically committed suicide from overdose in 1999 at the young age of 49.


Rest In Peace John Edward Allen! We could send him off in typical TNUC fashion by listening to a bunch of Ozzy songs, but since the Prince of Darkness probably tormented the man enough, I have a better idea…

With all due respect to the man, when I first heard about this little Halloween project called Fiendish Imp, my mind went immediately to Ronnie the Drunken Dwarf. This lo-fi dungeon synth EP came out in 2018 and features three short tracks that are perfect in their village evilness. Enjoy.

Speaking of fiendish imps, here’s a photo of my Uncle Gabe who my family hasn’t spoken to since “the incident”. 

CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT.

Without question, the breakout hit of last year’s Halloween mixtape was ‘Children of the Night’, borrowed from the soundtrack to Maniac Cop 2.

I know nothing about the artist, but it’s hard to believe a man named ‘Buddy Miles’ could create such a sinister and sexy tune. It also perfectly encapsulates a city-terror vibe that I’ve always been fascinated with. It literally sounds like a song that should only be played in back alleys and seedy strip bars.

Download Buddy Miles – Children of the Night

The “horror in the big city” genre could become a Halloween mixtape someday all on its own. I love film depictions of terror-soaked cities with silhouette figures, desolate parks, dim streetlights, prostitutes, pushcart vendors, steam coming up from sewer grates, wet alleys and a shadowy guy in a trenchcoat.

Have you ever been stalked by a city slasher? Felt eyes watching you in the park? Followed home by a prostitute with a large Adams apple?

Please continue listening to ‘Children of the Night’ on repeat and then report back to TNUC.

I WAS A TEENAGE SEX MUTANT.

Trick or Treat, Black Roses, Rock N Roll Nightmare, Rocktober Blood, Hard Rock Zombies…

Freddy Krueger and Dokken, Jason Voorhees and Alice Cooper, The Ghoulies and W.A.S.P…

You know them. You love them. You covet them. They are your horror + heavy metal lifeblood.

Since we all know that horror and heavy metal is a delicious sandwich that we could never get sick of, it sure is nice when you discover a nasty new nugget that’s been buried in the ground and in need of a lightning bolt resurrection.

Today that’s about to happen with the song called “Killer Machine” by a band called THE SEX MUTANTS from the 1989 goofball movie I Was A Teenage Sex Mutant (aka Dr. Alien)Strap in and turn this molten heat up to 11!

The song is such a ripper and once that chug-a-chug, butthead riff starts at 0:43 seconds, you know things are about to get gnarly. And how about that performance? While the band members do just fine strutting their stuff, they’re overpowered by the singer’s cocaine-fueled mission from Satan on stage! It really makes me miss going to concerts.

I’ve still never seen the film but from my perspective this clip is the best thing about it. Apparently the plot revolves around a virgin nerd in school named Wesley (played by Billy Jacoby) who ends up doing it with a sex-starved substitute teacher who injects some sort of serum in him. Wesley starts to change and becomes more confident. He eventually joins the band The Sex Mutants as the lead singer (prior to this, he played classical piano).

A soundtrack to Dr. Alien definitely doesn’t exist, but here’s a download of the song for your October playlists! I would like to dedicate this song to all you midnight maniacs who’d give anything for a ghoul’s night out with some friends, live music and sudsy beer.

***BONUS INSIGHT***

Uncle T’s team of researchers just discovered that “Killer Machine” is actually a cover and originally done by the band Lancelot. The original track below is a much more refined and slower tempo version. Still pretty rad…but I’m a Sex Mutants supporter all the way.

TERROR TRAIN DEPOT.

All you need to do is go for a walk or take a drive during this time of year and I guarantee you will encounter spooky things. This was proven last weekend when Uncle T and Auntie T found an abandoned train depot in the woods of New Hampshire.

If I’m being completely honest, TNUC does develop canine-like senses this time of year to find such oddities. He’s like a sniffing, snarling, cunning, laser-sharp, four-legged-freak that picks up on strange things that lurk in the mist. So it was to no surprise that while rummaging through the woods one afternoon he spotted an abandoned structure that looked one part the house from Evil Dead and another…an old business?

There it sat, densely surrounded by trees and a rotting foundation causing it to dramatically slant to the left. The exterior siding had that perfect, grainy decay that set designers working on horror movies strive to replicate.

The interior had traces of all the usual suspects of an abandoned place in the woods. Beer cans, spray painted doodles on the walls, decomposing furniture and teenage attempts at Satanic markings.

After researching the location, I came to find out that this ghastly house was at one time a small Victorian train station that served a 19th-century resort hotel called “The Maplewood” which began business in 1876. The depot was abandoned during the early 20s due to the rise of the automobile and its counterpart hotel would eventually burn down decades later in January 1963.

Obviously such features as the staircases, columns and architectural details are long gone. All that is left is a spooky, silent beast that creaks in the cold winds.

P.S. We also happened to drive down a street called COFFIN LANE.

Get out there disciples…there’s spooky exploring to do. † † †

DAY OF THE BEAST.

The other night while chopping wood and raking leaves outside, I was suddenly overtaken with such a blast of Autumn power that it made the little hairs on my arm stand up. Before I went inside to my wood stove to calm down all the excitement, I chucked my axe into the nearest tree, feeling like George Lutz in The Amityville Horror“Don’t ever sneak up on a man with an axe”

That chilly evening I sat by the fire and ate soup while consulting with my farmer’s almanac. When I read that TWO full moons will be appearing in the month of October, I sent my pumpkin-shaped noodle soup flying out of my mouth and onto the carpet.

On October 1st the first harvest moon will appear to reign in the most triumphant month of the year…

† Then on October 31st (H A L L O W E E N) we’ll be spoiled with a very rare sighting of a second harvest moon referred to as the “hunters moon”. As legend tells us, this name represents the time when farmers realized the harvest was over and they needed to pack up and go hunt food for the family. It is also said that if you live in a place or area that is haunted, or if you work in a place where someone has passed, that if a ghost wants to materialize, this night will be when it will happen!

Now then, a perfect song in terms of lyrics and feeling to ignite the time of year when Uncle T feels the most alive.

I’m sitting up in my treehouse tonight, listening to this criminally underrated Blue Öyster Cult song while looking out at the moon casting a shadow over a rotting cornfield in the distance. I could sit here for hours reminiscing about Octobers of yesterday.

The neighborhood I grew up in was incredible for trick ‘r treating. Even now when I visit my old house and walk the streets at night, the nostalgia overload is unbelievable. Like walking in a dream, it’s difficult to explain unless I’m right there in the moment. It not only takes me back but makes me feel more appreciative than ever of the tiniest of details which I don’t take for granted these days.

Can you smell the apple cider donuts from looking at this photo? I can. 

Just because trick ‘r treating might be canceled for the youngsters this year doesn’t mean Halloween can’t be celebrated just as powerfully as ever. Give me a break. It’s October 1st and there’s a full moon tonight. So I’m declaring this day as the DAY OF THE BEAST because I plan on drowning myself in Hershey’s Vampire Kisses and watching werewolf movies all day with the windows open while waiting for the moon to rise tonight…

Also because this artwork is a direct representation of my Manimal transformation which will occur on the night of the second harvest moon in October. A huge thank you to Traci Lords (@tracilordss) completely killed it with this year’s illustration.

You disciples should be pleased with what Uncle T has in store for the 2020 season. It’s been a garbage year but I hope the Land of TNUC helps with the escape that you so desire.

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