CLEANING OUT THE BASEMENT.

Uncle T spent all last weekend rummaging through his wood-paneled basement, parting ways with old nonsense to make room for new nonsense. After carefully separating the Coors Light Beer Wolf merchandise, American Gladiators collectors items and those framed cocaine mirrors they give away at carnivals, he’s plucked out a box of treasures to sell in the TNUC Gift Shop. 

Vintage board games, old band shirts, Spuds Mackenzie shirts, exclusive one-off TNUC merch, rare movie swag, hats and more! Check out the sneak preview below and see all items at uncletnuc.bigcartel.com!

Your purchase will be supporting this site, which in full disclosure is a 100% 1-Manimal operation if you didn’t realize already. It’s been a wild bunch of years and it’s time to push TNUC to the limit. What’s that mean? For starters, this website needs a revamping. Better graphics, easier navigation, more features, merchandise, etc. The money generated from this basement cleaning will help make those things happen. So thank you!

⇒ TNUC’s GIFT SHOP 

DOUBLE DEUCE MIX.

Calling all 40-year-old adolescents, felons, power drinkers and trustees of modern chemistry. It’s time to get wild n’ willing with TNUC’s Double Deuce Mix!

53 minutes of knee slapping, cig-ripping, beer smashing, throat ripping, sandy-mullets-waving-in-the-wind Double Deuce worship! It was only a matter of time before we curated an entire power hour dedicated to the greatest film of all time, Road House. I stayed awake so many nights with anxiety worrying about how I’ll live up to my own expectations of this mixtape. In the end, it came together so organically from loving this movie so much and knowing it better than some of my own family members.

Hopefully these songs take you back to simpler, looser, manlier days. Men were men. Cars were cool. Females were less petrified of the male species. Instead of DJs there were house bands with bearded men. Rock n’ roll dominated mainstream radio. Reality shows didn’t exist. Mud wrestling at bars did exist. Beer bottles were cooler. Drive up diners had waitresses on roller skates. Happy Hour was only an hour, but you could polish off twelve beers for twelve bucks. Cigarettes were cool. Mentioning the word “vape” would earn you a punch right in the nose.

The Double Deuce Mix is obviously a massive testament to our love for Road House, but there’s a deep underlining message throughout this mix that shouldn’t be lost in the shadows. It’s the homage to a certain type of man who’s a dying breed these days. The guy who still wears black faded jeans, drinks domestic beer, strictly backs into parking spots, goes to bars still dirty from work without showering first, throws horseshoes and has been working outside for so long that his skin is basically leather. Wade Garrett is the textbook, quintessential leader of this pack.

So reach for a Miller Genuine Draft, grab that platinum blonde wearing the Pizza Hut tablecloth skirt and get ready to boogie.

(download link)

COTY WILD MUSK.

COTY WILD MUSK IS TNUC.
TNUC IS COTY WILD MUSK.

Nothing is more comforting than a good ol’ fashioned pairing of horny neanderthals and cheap cologne. This is so perfect. From the loin cloths to the seductive glares to the narration, this commercial really hits home for TNUC.

The neanderbabe is Jill Schoelen, who should be recognizable from starring roles in D.C. Cab, Babes in Toyland, Popcorn and The Stepfather. The cro-magnon creeper is Peter Tramm, a dancer who was the fill-in for Kevin Bacon during the big dance sequence scenes in Footloose.

“Coty Wild Musk…use it before you stalk”

JANUARY’S SLOB OF THE MONTH: LARDASS HOGAN.

Wait just a second. Just what in tarnation is “Slob of the Month”?

[Slob-Of-The-Month is a monthly tribute and sloppy spotlight on a chosen few classic slobs that have graced the screen and stage. We’re not just here for the big-bellied behemoths. Slobs come in ALL shapes and sizes. Fat, skinny, sleazy, nasty, smelly and everything in between. They don’t care about personal appearance. They lack basic hygiene. While some people might remember great slob performances, stamina isn’t their strong suit. They don’t stick around very long. Some collapse from heart attacks. Some never reach the 9th grade. Some drink or eat themselves into oblivion. Now ALL will be resurrected and spotlighted in this monthly feature. Let’s all remember this crucial quote from Animal House: “fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son”. Hooray for slobs.]

Now it’s time to crown our Slob-Of-The-Month for January, and I can’t think of a more appropriate candidate…

Chow down, wide load! When it comes to epic Barf-o-Rama scenes from chronicles of film history, one man sits in a throne above the rest…David “Lardass” Hogan! Believe me, Uncle T prides himself in being a historian of classic vomiters and I fully disclose that no single human being champions this category better than Lieutenant Lardass.

In 1986’s Stand By Me, the classic coming-of-age story adapted from the Stephen King story “The Body”, main character Gordy shares the epic tale about a taunted fat boy named David Hogan, nicknamed “Lardass”, who enters a blueberry pie-eating contest to get revenge on the people who’ve made fun of him. It’s one of the best stories-within-a-story scenes of all time and if you’ve made it this far in life without seeing Stand By Me, please seek help.

At the start of the pie-eating contest, the camera pans to Lardass chugging a bottle of Castor Oil and eating a raw egg just before the start of the contest. Minutes later, all hell brakes loose in a vomit fest unlike any other to this day.

Andy Lindberg, the actor who played Lardass, spoke to Yahoo in 2016 about his experience on set.

“Some of the pies melted because it was so hot. After awhile, it got pretty rancid, and there was only so much cleanup they could do. There was just sticky, hot, decomposing blueberry pie gook all over the place. Every day when I would leave the set, I had grass clippings and blueberry pie stuff stuck to my shoes. In one of the big group vomit scenes, they passed out bags of this blueberry pie filling that people concealed in their mouths. They’d call out a number and the No. 1s would spit theirs up. When they called cut after one scene, there was this little 5-year-old kid in the front who was crying. It turned out that he had actually thrown up all over himself! I have no idea if that take made it into the movie…”

As always, past monthly countdowns are readily available here:
2016: LOCAL-HOT-SPOT-OF-THE-MONTH
2015: LOST-LEGEND-OF-THE-MONTH
2014: DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH

DON’T FEAR THE REAPER TOYS.

Here comes an article that we planned on writing around Halloween time, but sort of works with Christmas because it revolves around toys. Well, toys that represent death.

Before Uncle T is scrutinized for pairing Christmas with an ancient figure of death, hear me out. I realize this isn’t the cheeriest choice of subject matter but you’re just going to need to trust Uncle T. After all, this feature is about toys.

I’ve always had a fascination with Grim Reapers. That ominous cloaked figure floating around the countryside, carrying a big scythe and collecting victims is just pure radness. For me it probably started with Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. The British comedy group’s knack for dark humored sketches was the perfect way to deliver such a memorable performance as seen from Mr. Death in the 1983 film. From there, these cloaked skeletons would surface in everything from heavy metal album covers, to Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, to characters developed into toys…lots of toys!

In celebration of Christmas week, we’re highlighting the best Grim Reaper-y looking toys that Jolly Old Saint Nick has ever nestled safely under our tree in a feature we’re calling DON’T FEAR THE REAPER TOYS!


MUMM-RA! 
Thundercats, 1986

Before turning into the blue-skinned beefcake that walked around intimidating people, Mumm-Ra was a decrepit old geezer who had an air of mystique about him. While the muscled Mumm-Ra was sold in stores like all the other figures, this old man mummy version was unique in that if you wanted it, kids had to save up 6 proof-of-purchase seals and send them in to receive him in the mail!

The good news is that this 3-decade-old action figure is still fairly easy to find and won’t cost you much. The next time you’re about to whine about how you can’t find a decently priced Skeletor to replace the one your big brother fed to his tarantula, consider picking up this red cloaked reaper instead!

GRIM REAPER! 
Bill & Teds Excellent Adventure, 1991

“Life is great for Bill and Ted… until they’re killed by evil robots from the future! To cheat death, save the world from evil, rescue the princess babes, and be back in time to win the Battle of the Bands, they’ll need a little help from the Grim Reaper himself.”

“Death” from the sequel, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, got his very own action figure in 1991 when Kenner released the Bill & Ted’s action figure toy line. This ghoulish reaper could easily transform into a guitar-wielding Wyld Stallyns band member simply by removing his cloak to expose his blue mohawk. Neon scythe and neon guitar included. Speaker and tape set sold separately.

CHARON aka Devil’s Boatman! 
Clash of the Titans, 1981 

Not only am I a sucker for Grim Reaper-y looking dudes, but I love it when toy companies like Mattel release action figures for every single obscure character who shows up on screen, as brief as that appearance might be. Charon appears in 1981’s Clash of the Titans movie when he takes Perseus and his gang across the River Styx. Whether or not you’re a sci-fi or Greek Mythology fan, the brief appearance of this cloaked creeper is a must-see. If I were Perseus I would’ve taken a couple laps around the river with this fine ghoul.

GRAVE DIGGER! 
Matchbox: Monster Wars, 1993

One of TNUC’s most sought after holy grails, the Matchbox ‘Monster Wars’ collection was released in the early ’90s and paired the most popular monster trucks with frightening little figures carrying deadly neon trinkets. There isn’t much documented historical information on these guys, which adds to the allure. I love Monster Trucks (especially Grave Digger), but I think the monster truck “world” missed out capturing a large demographic by not making them more cartoonish and fictional, like Matchbox attempted with these toys. If monster truck “culture” had gone a more over the top route, like WWE and their wrestlers, the mainstream audience would’ve really been more into monster trucks. Imagine Grave Digger, Prowler and Bigfoot being driven by devilish monsters in makeup and rubber masks. Instead the drivers are usually just hillbilly dudes with handlebar mustaches.

(photo courtesy of Dinosaur Dracula)

LA MUERTE! 
Super Monstruos Serie Especial, 1992

Who doesn’t love an obscure collection of tiny monstrosities? Thanks to Dinosaur Dracula who put these on our radar, the Super Monstrous Special Series hailing from Spain were a set of 24 different horror-themed ghouls and ghoulettes including a devil, yeti, executioner, bootleg “Freddy”, vampiress, pirate and La Muerte aka “The Death”. Is Uncle T planning on completing the entire collection and bringing them to a local cemetery for a candid photo session? You better believe it.

THE GRIM REAPER! 
Mad Monster Series, 2005

The original Mad Monsters were released in 1973 by Mego, the company behind legendary figures from DC, Marvel and KISS. A few years ago Mego experienced a resurgence and brought back the Mad Monsters which included our deadly friend The Grim Reaper. At 8 inches tall this reaper is the biggest of the bunch. If you prefer a classic, no frills, balls-to-the-wall figure of death, this is your guy.

CRYPTKEEPER! 
Tales from the Cryptkeeper, 1994

Cryptkeeper in a brown cloak and Jesus sandals is the best Cryptkeeper figure of them all. Laugh at his overall appearance but the sculpture and detail of his face is ripped so accurately from Tales from the Crypt, it’s scary good. This version of the Cryptkeeper comes from the kid-friendly, Saturday morning cartoon, Tales from the Cryptkeeper. Is it completely bizarre that his legs and feet are a completely different color than his head and hands? Yes, but he works GREAT in Christmas nativity scenes if your cat stole one of the Three Wise Men and you need a replacement.

† † †

Thanks for reading about TNUC’s fascination with Grim Reapers. Now go listen to some Grim Reaper!

Ian the Shark: You know, l can understand ”Mom” or ”l Heart Wanda”, but why the Reaper?
Chazz: Well, it’s like death is stalking me and it’s telling me I better get off my ass and get this band rolling. This is for real. I gotta cut a record. I figure l’m screwed up enough that l could write a song that’ll live on for ever and then after that it don’t matter. You know?
(Airheads, 1994)

SAX BY THE FIRE.

If back when TNUC got started someone told me that one day I’d be discussing John Tesh in one of these weekly installments, I’d probably tell that person to go strap on some roller blades, a fedora hat, then proceed to launch off the nearest plateau. All do respect to the multi-talented John Tesh, but his music and the TNUC bible are two separate worlds….except when it comes to the mighty saxophone. When blistering slices of breathtaking saxophone reverberate through the air, humanity becomes one.

Take for example The John Tesh Project’s 1994 album “Saxophone by the Fire”, which I recently scored on cassette at Amoeba Records in LA for a buck. Here we have 12 saxophone covers of popular songs done by John and various saxophonists. The album is part 1 of a triple-sax assault which also features the albums “Sax on the Beach” (1995) and “Sax All Night” (1997).


Question. When was the last time you heard Don Henley’s ‘End of the Innocence’? Was it during one of your old man’s long car rides into the country? Waiting in line at the pharmacy? Or maybe when flying a kite and playing frisbee with your family at the park after your ninth release from rehab? Regardless of how familiar you are with the song, imagine someone with a set of balls big enough to fit in a dump-truck replacing Don Henley’s vocals with the elephant-roaring sounds of the saxophone. That’s right, this cover of ‘End of the Innocence’ doesn’t just “feature” the saxophone as a background instrument. It completely replaces the vocals WITH SAXOPHONE. Ease back in your hammock and take a listen…

Other irresistible slices of unprotected sax…

Have a seat, Michael McDonald.

Step aside, Bruce Hornsby.

This last video is MANDATORY VIEWING. Here we have Tesh playing his signature piano at Red Rocks amphitheater alongside saxophonist Everette Harp, a guy who lifts this instrument up to new, face-ripping levels. Harp is wearing a sparkly vest and dangly earring. Tesh looks like a cross between the McDonald’s character Grimace and Max Headroom. Whatever the case, it works. The only thing that could possibly top this would be a surprise appearance by Tim Cappello, smothered in oil and chains, doing a sax-off with Harp.

If you’re really into this John Tesh saxophone experience and happen to be with a woman, TNUC strongly recommends playing these albums in front of a roaring fire, shirt off, full chest of hair. No wimps. No softies.

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