KARATE KIDS.

Hopefully everyone is tuning into the Cobra Kai series on Netflix and enjoying the hell out of it. I fully admit that I was skeptical when I first heard about the show. It seemed like a cash grab or pure nostalgia for nostalgia sake, but I soon found out how wrong I was. So wrong. 

Cobra Kai manages to capture the old magic of 1984’s The Karate Kid and continue the legacy with a deadbeat, all-grown-up Johnny Lawrence, successful businessman Daniel LaRusso and a new generation of karate kids. The result is fantastic and I can’t say enough good things about the show. I would also like to note that Johnny drives a 1991 Pontiac Firebird, drinks only Coors Banquets and wears a Zebra (the band) t-shirt. Need I say more?

Speaking of karate kids, it’s hard to believe that TNUC’s music video for Futurecop’s “Karate Kids” turns TWELVE YEARS OLD this year. Please press play and indulge again.

I remember the late nights in my old crusty loft in Los Angeles with no air conditioning, cranking this thing out at 3am in the sweltering heat. All Uncle T had to his name was his cat, some half-thawed boxes of Ellio’s pizza and one of those rotating fans from Kmart with the piece of duct tape stuck to the fan blade, flapping in the weak breeze.

Occasionally when it was unbearable I’d run outside and flop into the apartment pool to cool off. But only a little time would pass and those mystical, oriental synths of the Futurecop! song would beckon me to get inside and finish the video.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR.

Artwork by Vanessa Vanya

The greatest thing to happen in 2020 was when a certain phantom of passion made his return and that phantom of passion is of course S P I R O S.

After a nine year absence, the Mediterranean Man of Mystique released the album ‘Eternal’ in March of 2020 just on the horizon of the world being crippled with fear. The eight tracks on ‘Eternal’ are SPIROS operating at peak performance and orchestrating his “way-slo” style of music finer than ever before. Every person I’ve introduced the music of SPIROS to is absolutely floored at what they hear, but at the same time it’s a head scratcher for some because they don’t immediately understand what they are listening to. I tell them to just sit back and enjoy the journey.

If you missed the album release or haven’t read the accompanying scripture from SPIROS himself, do that here.

TNUC was left with no choice but to spend the year making creations that coincide with this music. I hope you will find some quiet time to let these soak in.

After almost a decade of silence, we’re relieved and overjoyed that SPIROS returned to grant us access to yet another blissful, musical journey. He is a master of his craft. A passionate beast of epic proportions. ‘Eternal’ is my album of the year.

BABY BEER WOLF.

Who could forget that devastating winter of 1986…

The Coors Light’ Beer Wolf family were a loving family made up of Beer Wolf, Babe Wolf and Baby Beer Wolf. During that bleak winter they faced severe financial issues that spread wide across the entire village. The biggest hardship was a drought that plagued the townspeople and especially the Beer Wolf’s. The Coors Light manufacturing plant had been shut down for health violations which not only put many people out of work, more importantly the lack of nourishment of Coors Light beer to the Beer Wolf’s was deeply concerning and proved to be life threatening. The one who suffered the most was poor Baby Beer Wolf, just a mere toddler at the time of the drought. His mother and father knew that milk, water and wine coolers (barf) would only do so much. Without a steady replenishment of beer which had to be strictly bottle-fed from his parents, Baby Beer Wolf might not survive the winter.

To witness little BBW limping around the house with a cane was a sad sight. Every so often they’d find him at the bottom of the recycling bin, trying to lick up any trace of old beer residue. Sometimes he would wander the streets and knock on peoples doors to ask for a “mere sip of Coors Light”. Some villagers would help out the struggling little bugger, while others weren’t so kind and a screaming, burly man would be heard loading up his double-barrel shotgun.

Then on Christmas morning, when the Beer Wolf’s were at a complete loss and heartbroken, a surprise miracle appeared. It was GRANDMA BEER WOLF who had galloped in the heavy blizzard from upstate. She crashed through the front door, covered in snow, with two saddlebacks of Coors Light 36-packs swinging by her sides. She looked like one of those Alaskan sled dogs. She was there to save her grandson and that’s exactly what happened on that Christmas morning of 1986.

They pumped BBW full of ice cold Coors Light and within minutes, he was running at maximum performance around the house and knocking things over. He yelled out in a gleeful scream, “GOD BLESS US EVERYONE” and threw his cane into the roaring fire that his father had prepared.

We hope you enjoyed this heartfelt tale from the TNUC history books. We also hope you’re following along with our #BEERWOLFWEDNESDAY action over on Instagram, which has been going on for years. On as many Wednesdays as possible, all are encouraged to share their Coors Light Beer Wolf merchandise items and don’t forget to tag #BeerWolfWednesday! (see below)

CHRISTMAS DISCO.

Christmas disco music is a thing more people should be talking about, celebrating and roller-skating around to.

I’m forever convinced that people who say they “hate Christmas music” only say that because they’ve heard the same Christmas songs repeatedly their entire life. TNUC has discovered a supreme antidote for this problem while record digging this weekend and that antidote is CHRISTMAS DISCO.

Take classic, holiday songs that you’ve heard a gazillion times. Then, strip most of the vocals and pump up those mundane rhythms that you just don’t hear after the 7,000th listen. Next, sprinkle some glitter on top, then garnish with cocaine. Now get ready to feel the heat of Christmas Disco straight from the golden age…1979!

The compilation I picked up this weekend is 1979’s Disco Noël, which features two sides of dance-floor heaters as performed by the artist Mirror Image. It’s easily the best $3.00 I’ve spent in a long time. It even came with a disco-dance instructional pamphlet inserted in the sleeve.

Take my word of advice and visit your local record shop to hunt for a Christmas Disco record. At least a dozen of them have been floating around for the last several decades. If they don’t have one in stock, Christmas came early for you because TNUC has a download link to Disco Noël here. But seriously, hearing these songs blast off a turntable is the way to go while you spin around the living room, trying not to barf up egg nog on the tree. Turn it up! 

          D I S C O  Δ  N O Ë L

  1. Sleigh Ride 
  2. Jingle Bells
  3. Jingle Bell Rock
  4. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
  5. Joy To The World
  6. Little Drummer Boy
  7. Winter Wonderland
  8. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer 
  9. Silver Bells
    [download]

MYSTERY MEAT MIX 2: THE SECOND HELPING.

For most of the year, Uncle T floats through life like a lump of crap, barely surviving on a steady diet of beer, cigarettes and Hungry Man dinners. However, once the holiday season rolls around a different kind of animal is unleashed.

Since “at risk senior” Granny TNUC fled to the mountains of Nicaragua to get away from everyone, this year the family were left with only one option. Let Uncle T handle kitchen duties. In the past this dangerous decision has proved horrible results. Illegal pyrotechnics, adultery, cattle tipping, mopery, divorce, living room mud wrestling pits, crying, overdoses and someone urinating in the kitty litter box. What starts out as something new and exciting turns into a threshold of holiday hell.

So for the last few weeks, an atrocious smell has been wafting from TNUC kitchen headquarters that can best be described as a blend of rosemary, sage, thyme, Cheez Whiz, salami, Orange Julius, a chimpanzee cage and Aqua Net. He strongly forbids anyone from entering the kitchen but ensures guests that his “roast” will be delicious and nutritious. The neighbors have already called the police several times because of “screaming” coming from the kitchen. The department of health were also notified about a strange purple ooze coming from the house and onto the street.

When Thanksgiving day arrives and it’s time to eat, the centerpiece monstrosity that sits before these innocent family members is pure, unadulterated MYSTERY MEAT. This obscene pile of sloppiness should come with warning labels or waivers to sign before eating. “WHAT IS IT?!” they cry out in agony. Off in the corner of the room Uncle T stands, his eyes gleaming with a wild and ravenous light. He whispers that the meal is approved for both carnivores, vegans, gorillas and even babies. Whatever that means. Then he lets out a big belch and Thanksgiving is officially underway.


[free download]

To celebrate Thanksgiving week, we’ve also provided a soundtrack. Mystery Meat Mix 2: The Second Helping is best served around the dinner table or played for your late night dance party when the food has settled but alcohol has not. Although, my favorite time to listen is while traveling to relative’s houses. This is definitely a proper “road mix”. Mystery Meat Mix 2: The Second Helping is probably the only Thanksgiving mixtape you’ll ever hear, aside from the first Mystery Meat Mix…so please dig in and enjoy.

“Some will laugh. Some will cry. Some will hurl. ALL WILL EAT.” 

PEPSI ALIENS.

Leave it to watching Alien movies and drinking ice cold Pepsi to bring me out of my annual post-Halloween-blues slump. Watch the commercial below.

As that Xemomorph stuck out its claw for a can of Pepsi, I felt my whole 2020 year shift in a positive direction. If you disciples were experiencing a similar thing, I strongly recommend watching a bunch of alien and space movies as the autumn season deepens. Something about it just makes a lot of sense.

TNUC has a tasty treat coming next week. But for now, what are some of your favorite sci-fi, alien, space movies?

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