To this day I can’t drive by a “gentlemen’s club” and not think of the undisputed, undefeated heavyweight champion of strip club anthems. If those familiar neon lights, or curvy writing spelling out sultry sayings immediately don’t make you start humming Mötley Crüe’s ‘Girls Girls Girls’, we simply grew up with different interests.
For a young, aspiring Manimal like Uncle TNUC, the band’s portrayal of an exotic dancing nightspot was somewhere I definitely wanted to be. Smokey, dimly lit clubs with ladies thrusting around to chugging guitars. No windows. A dangerous scent mixture of menthol, Kmart perfume and sweat. Leather! Lace! Long Butts!
The music video depicts that ideal atmosphere and what you really want when you step inside one of these places: women and good tunes. Simple as that. Absolutely NOT a bunch of lonely men being hustled while some atrocious R&B music plays over the PA. So if the last time you entered a strip joint wasn’t everything you dreamed it would be — forgetting the part when you learned that the 6’5″ Samoan dancer with the buff thighs named Maurice was actually a man — it’s time you revisited the undeniable ruler of stripper war cries and our Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month for August, Mötley Crüe’s ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’!
The first time TNUC rode down Sunset Blvd in a stretch convertible limo with a built-in Jacuzzi, our plan was to hit the three Los Angeles based booby traps Vince Neil references in the song’s lyrics – The Body Shop, Seventh Veil and The Tropicana. Following our visit to these notorious Southern Californian clam shacks, we wondered what was happening with the remaining four clubs he mentions in the song…
1) Thee Dollhouse | Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Everyone knows the state of Florida is the MECCA of sultry establishments. From Daytona Beach to Miami, the warm climate and popular spring break destination has generated a record number of businesses offering dreamy desires and midnight heat. Thee Dollhouse was one of the most frequented chains in the sunshine state, operating in both Tampa and Orlando. Currently the Tampa location is open and also a club in Myrtle Beach.
2) Tattletale | Atlanta, GA
Don’t let the subtle daytime appearance of Atlanta’s Tattletale Lounge fool you, this place has the word sleazy smeared all up inside it (among other things). Word on the street is that every night at midnight the ladies all do a dance to ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ and give you a t-shirt if you purchase two lap dances. Tattletale have been riding the publicity of their club being mentioned in the hit song for almost three decades, and they probably don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.
3) The Seventh Veil | Hollywood, CA
Truly an infamous adult entertainment landmark of America, The Seventh Veil is the steamiest club on this list due to the actual music video being filmed there. If you’re planning on visiting LA and embarking on a rock n’ roll debauchery tour, this place should be high up on the list. It’s prime location on Sunset Blvd and 24/hr blinking neon lights are very hard to miss, even if you’re flying down the street on a Harley Davidson, nonstop shade tippin’ and eyebrow raisin’.
4) Crazy Horse | Paris, FR
Crazy Horse is a nude cabaret show in Paris which doesn’t share many of the deadbeat qualities of the other clubs on this list. The legendary French club has been around since the 1950’s and features nude dancing, magic, mimes and even juggling acts (think Rusty Griswold meeting his exotic dancer girlfriend in European Vacation).
5) Body Shop | West Hollywood, CA
As prolific historian/seasoned FBI agent Angelo Pappas would say, “LA has changed a lot…the air got dirty and the sex got clean”. Stiff California laws prohibit The Body Shop from selling alcohol because the girls here dance full nude. It’s a real kick to the crotch, but as long as you have a driver sitting idle outside the club with a trunk full of Löwenbräu and ‘ludes, frequent trips outside will be necessary for a red-hot evening. Located directly on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood and still very much in operation (even after the place burned down a few years ago).
6) Marble Arch | Vancouver, BC
For some reason I always figured Marble Arch was a cocaine reference, but it’s actually a once-functioning stripper haven in Canada. Whenever the Crüe’s touring cycle had them playing in Vancouver, the boys were sure to stop by this seedy establishment to engage in full frontal nastiness and all the “Krell” they could enjoy.
7) The Hollywood Tropicana | Los Angeles, CA
You’re out at the bar again with some friends. A lame sports event plays on the TV monitors that no one’s paying attention to. After drinking a few of the same old domestic drafts while a cheese-dick music selection plays in the background, you consider calling it a night.
WORST TNUC TALE, I KNOW (sorry). Now close your eyes and imagine your body drifting to a land where the mud and oil flows like honey over hardbodied foxes who duel it out in a wrestling ring. For roughly 10 years that dream was a reality at The Hollywood Tropicana. For those seeking an outrageous evening and something a little different from the norm, this local landmark was the place to be.
Of course the Crüe were regulars, most notably Vince Neil who met mud wrestler Sharise and ended up marrying her in 1987. They split up in ’93. For a complete history of The Tropicana, definitely check out TNUC’s ‘Mud Wrestling Madness’ feature from 2015 at this location!
Knight and shining armor Vince Neil carrying his bride-to-be out of the Seventh Veil in the ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ music video.
Welcome to another edition of WET-HOT-TNUC-SUMMER, when your pizza-loving, neanderthal of an Uncle chooses his current favorite anthems of the summer. As he reclines back in his ripped-sleeve wetsuit by Body Glove, reminiscing about all the local-long-butt inspecting he got done this summer, these are the songs that echo in his mind.
#1 Sunglasses Kid – Knockout feat. Phaserland
Here’s a certified breakout-of-summer-school war cry. When you’re cooped up all day watching the sweat pour off Vice Principal Gills’ neck, you need a release like no other once that buzzer rings. THIS IS IT. You arrive home, call Debbie, yell up to mom to fire up the station wagon and get ready for a jam-packed night of arcade games, mini golf, pool hopping, showing her your motorcycle that really isn’t yours and making out in the backyard treehouse under the stars. Get it here.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
#2 The Payola$ – Eyes of a Stranger
I could have SWORN this song was used in the movie Cocktail, so last week when it played on the deck of TNUC’s 8th Annual “Boob Cruise” I quickly hopped out of the pool and ran stark naked to my luxury, wood paneled, Manimal Dungeon suite. Snacking on red rope licorice and quaaludes, I watched my VHS of Cocktail repeatedly until dawn. Well, it must have been a case of too much sun and day-dreaming about Elisabeth Shue, because “Eyes of a Stranger” is NOT from the Cocktail soundtrack! The song was actually featured in both Valley Girl and an episode of Miami Vice. It’s such a premiere anthem for locking eyes with a bronzed lover on the beach, just like those two pictured above.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
#3 The Midnight – Crockett’s Revenge
We knew The Midnight were prepping something tremendous when their track ‘Vampires’ came across TNUC FM airwaves last month, but I honestly never expected the juicy, emotional, sexually charged debut album that is “Endless Summer”. From beginning to end these songs evoke feelings ranging from taking bikes over the dunes with your friends, to riding the Cyclone with your dream girl at Rocky Point. It was excruciatingly tough to just pick one song – but if I was held at gunpoint by Sonny Crockett while face-to-face with his pet alligator, Elvis – I’d choose “Crockett’s Revenge”. It’s refreshing to hear a band that doesn’t treat their saxophone as a novelty item. The group release a sweltering onslaught of sax which breathes pure power into the songs. Grab the album here!
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
#4 Anoraak – Figure
Strap on the headphones and get ready to time-travel back to 2008. While that might not sound very appetizing at first, it will as you remember this was the year that Anoraak released the balmy classic “Nightdrive With You”. The single was a massive part of what kicked off the Valerie Collective scene and inspired hundreds of synthwave projects to come. He’s released two albums since that time, but new single “Figure” shows a return to this easy-breezy – yet oddly at the same time, haunting – style of music. Stream the entire EP here.
#5 Tangerine Dream – Charly the Kid (Dream Chimney extended dub)
With what feels like the entire universe riding a Steven Spielberg/Stephen King dreamwave with the television sensation Stranger Things being just pure fucking magic, this extended dub edit of Tangerine Dream’s “Charly the Kid” from King’s movie Firestarter is all too fitting right now. The stretched out, psychedelic take on Tangerine Dream’s original track morphs it into an entirely new journey. With all due respect to S U R V I V E – the group who did a fantastic job scoring the show – I’m holding out hope that the creators welcome some older music for season 2. Not only would music like this fit effortlessly, but it should inspire a new generation of kids to discover films with strong scores like The Keep, Thief, Night Hawks, Inferno, Cat People, Starman, Silver Bullet and so many others.
#6 Michael Schenker Group – Anytime
Since summer crushes and innocent fun have been covered, now we’re due for a heavy weeper. Don’t fret though, this beefy ballad packs 10cc’s of white-hot glory. “Anytime” is dedicated to all the lonely, middle-aged buff pumpers roaming the night in their Buick Grand Nationals and Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme’s, taking 30 second drags of Winston’s, all windows down, work boots still on, sandy mullets blowing in the breeze…maybe contemplating “patching it up” with the old lady.
I long for the days when atmosphere was such a ruthless force in hard rock/heavy metal songs. The guitar at the beginning conjures up chilly, summer evening breezes that tell us Autumn is about to rear it’s mighty head…
One could safely say that 2015 was truly the YEAR OF MALIBU. Between the ex-American Gladiator securing a Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month position for May and conducting a 1-on-1 interview with the self-proclaimed “child of mother nature”, it was truly a banner year at the Uncle T household.
If you’re one of those hellbent, fire-breathing, mental TNUC supporters, you’ll remember that back during this time we sent a team of archaeologists, scientists and Japanese guys in lab coats on a mission to discover if Malibu had popped up in any other films, TV shows or commercials during this era. What we found was astronomical. In a feature called “MALIBU SIGHTINGS”, it was revealed that he made appearances in such things as Elvira’s Mistress of the Dark, the 1993 Michael Douglas thriller Falling Down and even as a male stripper-policeman in a classic episode of Married With Children.
2016 on the other hand has been quiet in the land of “twisted steel & sex appeal”…UNTIL NOW. Just when frantic Malibu disciples thought there couldn’t possibly be any other instances with the guy appearing out of nowhere, brace yourself for a sighting like no other…
MALIBU SIGHTING #4: Chippendales Tall Dark & Handsome (1987)
Malibu…donning short hair and welding in a room full of pink fog? Yes folks, prior to the viscous mane taking form and long before getting beaten in every American Gladiators competition, the artist known as Malibu starred in the Chippendale’s home video “Tall, Dark & Handsome”!
Take a second to absorb this factual information.
First of all, there’s no excuse for not putting the big ‘Bu on the video’s cover. My only guess is that he slept through the photo shoot after drinking too many Pina Coladas and gorilla-stomping down the beach all morning.
Since the video is readily available on YouTube, I thought about providing time slots for every Malibu appearance simply for reader’s convenience, but that seems a little weak. So for those of you willing to look beyond the banana hammocks and soapy butts, LET’S DO THIS.
WARNING: If you suffer from fears concerning your own masculinity, or a family member walking into the room and catching you watching a exotic male dancer video from 1987, you’re probably not tough enough for Tall, Dark & Handsome. 100% your loss…
The hour-long video begins with a group of Chippendale’s premiere studs thrusting around to musical numbers in a club full of horny broads. Personal highlights are the “off-site” choreographed dances in settings like a construction site, in a hotel as “bellhops” and one Chippendale warrior molesting a motorcycle somewhere.
While the feathered hair without question pushes lethal levels to the limit, the music in this video is downright SCORCHING. Any self-respecting TNUC fan will agree that these killer songs could fit comfortably on any of Stallone’s flawless run of soundtracks. It’s almost like someone studied the vocal stylings of Robert Tepper, John Parr and Jami Jamison, pumping out motivational workout rock which automatically puts people like us in the greatest state of mind.
Most frequent themes of the songs heard in the lyrics are “fires burning”, “passions burning”, “sensations” and “temptations”. I’m surprised I didn’t hear any of the singers say “in the heat of the night”, a phrase so commonly used during this era that I hear it almost every day on one of the TNUC mixtapes.
Within minutes of watching the first scene I realized something. These sweaty buff pumpers and Uncle T are basically cut from the same cloth. Long, ferocious lion’s mane? Check. Mega tanned Neanderthal skin? Double check. A California-strut which could only be soundtracked by gyrating guitar riffs behind some proud eagle vocals? Triple check.
Malibu gets the most screen time playing a welder during the construction site segment “Hot to the Touch”. The scene features construction workers pretending to sledgehammer things, climb through foggy manholes and creep around while making sexual faces, forgetting they have work to do. The scene ends with a girl waking up because the sultry jobsite was sadly just all a dream. Do ladies still fantasize about construction sites in 2016? I HOPE SO. Would be awfully sad if that was a thing of the past.
Malibu, you’re the fucking man. I can’t wait to see where you show up next. Baywatch? Double Dare? Rescue 911?
Nickelodeon’s golden years of 1990 to 1995 were nothing short of a revelation. If you spent anytime in front of the tube during this time, the network was a hotbed of nonstop entertainment because of shows like Hey Dude, Double Dare, Wild & Crazy Kids, Are You Afraid Of the Dark?, Clarissa Explains It All and the mackdaddy of them all, SALUTE YOUR SHORTS.
Everyone knows summer days as a kid were dreamlike, but can you imagine a summer without rules, reading lists, the neighbor’s killer dog or parents? Some of us dreamed of what it would be like being dumped at summer camp for two months, and those of us who did had fantasies swirling around in our heads thanks to a little place we visited in our minds for a half-hour each afternoon…
So reach for that watermelon Italian Ice and kick those hi-top CONS up on your desk as Uncle T takes us back to camp with July’s Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month: CAMP ANAWANNA!
Every summer camp disciple knows a camp is only as strong as it’s campers, and this place had a wrecking crew like no other: Dina, ZZ, Michael, Telly, Pinsky, Sponge, DonkeyLips and Budnick…FUCKING BOBBY BUDNICK. This prankster was Anawanna’s #1 troubled teen and Budnick held the title of most obnoxious camper year after year with high prestige. The ratty, redheaded-stepchild really deserves a spotlight feature on his own around here, which clearly has a lot to due with him playing John Connor’s punker friend in Terminator 2, because he’s still 100% “Budnick” in the movie. Nothing was radder on a young, impressionable mind than a couple kids riding dirt bikes, listening to Guns N’ Roses and ripping off ATMs. Okay, back to Camp…
Bobby and Donkey Lips, crude dudes 4 life…
At the surface, Salute Your Shorts seemed to have all the stereotypical “camp” characters, but it became something else entirely. All the kids at Anawanna had completely different personalities, and sticking them in a couple cabins together for a summer brought out the best in them. Take for instance Donkey Lips, a fat oddball with a heart of gold who became friends with kids he never would have back at home or in school. As annoying as he was, even Donkey Lips taught the others a thing or two, like when he won over Dina’s heart during a “spotlight dance” at one of the camp socials. Of course, Dina was forced to dance with him, but she learns an important life lesson about kindness from ol’ Donkey Lips, of all people. Then there was Michael from the show’s primere episode, who’s first experience at camp involved Budnick and a couple of his goons stealing his trunks and running them up the flagpole for all camp to salute!
These motley camp-goers were the rebellious type (the way they should be). Being clever and brave to achieve some kind of victory was a quality shared in other Nickelodeon shows at the time as well. Kids acted like kids, not mini-adults obsessed with status, cell phones and “likes”. At Camp Anawanna it was all about food fights, telling ghost stories, smuggling salami into camp, lighting things on fire and giving someone an awful waffle*.
*Administering an “Awful Waffle”: 1) Pin somebody to the top of a table. 2) Pull their shirt up. 3) Firmly press a tennis racket into their stomach. 4) Pour syrup on their stomach.
Kevin “Ug” Lee!
“Ug” was the neurotic, goofball camp counselor who everyone pulled pranks on. Nothing was funnier than seeing Ug go bananas after trying to discipline the campers and failing miserably. His trademark features were his bucket hat, sunscreened nose and floral shirts.
I’ve always wondered how old Ug was supposed to be and also how he landed the head counselor position in the first place.
Zeke the Plumber!
The introduction of Zeke the Plumber in the first season of Salute Your Shorts was a nightmare of epic proportions that rattled the memories of ’90s kids even to this day. The story of Zeke begins in the Philippines when his nose was bitten off by a parrot. He couldn’t smell a gas leak created when he hit a gas pipe while digging a hole, so he makes a big mistake and lights a match, causing an explosion. The only item that remained was his toilet plunger which now bared a curse. It is said, according to paranormal historian Bobby Budnick, that Zeke wanders the camp trying to find his plunger and anyone who touches it will be haunted in their dreams.
Ask any kid who grew up watching this show how difficult it was sleeping at night after this episode aired in 1991 (only the 2nd episode of the 1st season!). Zeke wore a mask that appeared to be made of flesh, and as silly as the scene may look now, people watching a Nickelodeon show about summer camp in ’91 didn’t see this coming. The ability to strike a nerve using a story like this speaks to the genius of Nickelodeon during this time. So many kids were left feeling something after watching this episode, to the point that by 2016 Zeke the Plumber has generated a certain cult following.
It sucked when parents, teachers and child psychologists used to say that pint-sized TNUC’s brain was turning into zombie mush from watching too much Nickelodeon. This mere myth couldn’t have been further from the truth, as shows like Salute Your Shorts and Are You Afraid of the Dark? made me want to run outside and have neighborhood super soaker wars, play laser tag and face plant into giant piles of leaves. What a time to be alive.
[Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month is a adrenaline-thrusting history lesson and celebration of signature hangout spots one might recognize from television, film or real life. Our objective is to not just rediscover and dissect these places, but more importantly create a feeling like you’re really there. Take your time with these entries. Hang out. Turn some music on.
To visit the rest of ’em, go here.]
Leave it to a wise-cracking, America-loving neanderthal like Uncle TNUC to declare that this weekend we’ll be hosting and hoisting the almighty hamburger as the #1 symbol to celebrate our nation’s big birthday.
It prompted a mandatory screening of 1986’s Hamburger: The Motion Picture, a movie that should be on everyone’s must-watch list this time of year after the required viewing during the winter months of the film’s kid brother, Hot Dog: The Movie. Both of course are directed by Mike Marvin, the same guy who did The Wraith.
Hamburger is the story of Russell Proscope, who’s “beef” is that he gets kicked out of every university he attends from getting too frisky with virtually every set of toasty female buns that come into his path. If he doesn’t earn a diploma soon, that promised trust fund from his family will be out of the question. The only prep school that will take him is Buster Burger University – where they educate the fine youth of America on how to manage a Buster Burger franchise. The BBU campus is filled with no shortage of sleazy coeds, lewd hijinks and weekend pool parties – plus a paranoid drill sergeant *played by Dick Butkus of the Chicago Bears*. All our young scholar needs to do to achieve that prestigious Buster Burger diploma is to stay out of trouble and keep the girls off his manmeat.
One of my favorite qualities of Hamburger is the plethora of sunglass-tippin’, high-fivin’, leg-slappin’ music featured throughout the movie. Nothing will stick in your head for YEARS to come than the intro montage music, which TNUC has the proud privilege of sharing today. Listen/Eat/Dance/Repeat!
I don’t know about you, but this juicy dance number makes me awfully hungry, so it’s definitely time to crush a meaty burg’. Whichever sleazy hamburger joint you plan on invading this weekend – Buster Burger, Whammy Burger, Big Kay’s, The Max, The Peach Pit, Honker Burger, Clown Dog or All American Burger – just remember to queue up this song before you head out the door.
“COOKIN’ BURGERS AIN’T EXOTIC…BUT SOME FOLKS SAY IT’S PATRIOTIC!”
But wait…don’t rest for a second this 4th of July without revisiting BIG MIKE’S ALL-AMERICAN MEGA-MOTIVATION MIXTAPE from last year! It will turn that mush into muscle and send you soaring high with the proudest eagles in the sky.