BIKINI & LINGERIE CONTEST MIX.

Before we bid farewell to summer 2020, and because this year is for the pits, we owe it to ourselves to throw one last big bikini inspection party on the beach. And by “on the beach”, of course I really mean a carpeted, deadbeat topless bar that smells like hair spray, peanuts and stale beer.

So take Uncle T’s hand and we’ll transport back a few decades for a little 1-900-FANTASY…

It’s Friday night.

You and the crew are strutting down Manhattan Beach Boulevard, looking for hot moves and dangerous curves. Something suddenly catches your eye. It’s purple fog pouring out of a night club with a banner above the door that reads “Marble’s FoxHunt Bikini and Lingerie Championship”. The doorman with the ponytail is too busy schmoozing with some Samantha Fox lookalike to notice anything, so you slide inside…

Mud wrestling. Cole slaw wrestling. Wet t-shirt contests. White-hot lingerie. Glistening longbutts. Girls swinging on Tarzan ropes from the rafters. Fishnet gloves. Leather lovers. Cropped Dokken belly shirts. Mustached strangers of the night. A donkey. Squealing guitars. Pulsating rhythms. COCAINE. 

As your red hot evening comes to a close, you demand the guy at the DJ booth provide you with a copy of the audio recording of the evening. The music was too good to let go. The very horny DJ named Uncle TNUC hands you the crusty cassette…

A last hurrah to summer. 

PIZZA HUT’S CRUEL SUMMER.

As dark of a year as 2020 has been, a beacon of light emerged in the shape of a red roof.

Photo courtesy of Rolando Pujol

Yes…after years of Uncle TNUC and his loyal disciples campaigning #MakePizzaHutGreatAgain, the popular pizza chain finally started coming to their senses and showing some serious signs of getting back “the old charm”.

First it was small indicators like the old logos returning in TV commercials, then in just a matter of time, the original pizza boxes were back in their full glory. A simple marketing strategy to capitalize on nostalgia? Yes, and by all means that was a good thing. It works and goddammit…it’s just the right thing to do.

Then the company really took everyone for a loop when “classic” Pizza Hut restaurants were seen freshly restored in both Pennsylvania and Ohio. These locations were completely transformed back to the pizza parlors of our youth. Red roofs, checkered tablecloths, Tiffany-style lamps, the salad bar, carpeting, gold awnings, wood paneling and all the comforting vibes we missed from Pizza Hut. Could this truly be the end of the sad “mini” Pizza Huts crammed into junky strip malls?

A marketing ploy was one thing, but bringing back the classic restaurants was NEXT LEVEL. Adults could now bask in the memories while kids could discover what it meant to sit down at a pizza parlor with friends or family for some Friday night fun. Would tabletop video games return next? How about “Pizza Pete”, the forgotten mascot? Hope was definitely restored and the future was bright.

Fast forward to a summer weekend in August when Uncle T stopped by his neighborhood Pizza Hut for a little lunch. Due to all the recent excitement and me being enthusiastic for the future of the Hut, I wore my best Pizza Hut BIGFOOT wardrobe to maybe strike up a conversation with management about how their BIGFOOT pizza campaign should be the next item on the list to make a return.

What I saw before my eyes was devastating, soul-sucking and downright despicable.

This beloved location was not only vacant and clearly shut down, but it had been stripped of all its glory. Gone was the red pitched roof. The exterior had been painted over with new colors as to hide any traces that this was indeed a living, breathing Pizza Hut at one time. The soulless sacks of excrement didn’t even have the courtesy of giving Uncle T a phone call at his 1-900 hotline to prepare him for this death.

I quickly did some internet research and discovered that 300 locations were in the process of closing down. Still though, why shut down the family restaurants and not the junky, strip mall, poor-excuse-for-a-Pizza-Hut’s instead? Obviously I was a wreck, so I sat in my 1990 Firebird in the parking lot for the next two hours playing Dokken’s “Alone Again” over and over and over again while burning through a pack of cigs.

Just before I decided to leave and drown my sorrows at the nearest Hooters bar, I walked around the corner and noticed another man paying tribute to the fallen Pizza Hut.

There he was. Everyone’s favorite, friendly bigfoot, HARRY, eating a moldy pizza he found in a dumpster with a big, shit-eating grin on his face. Something about that smiling bigfoot just can’t help but bring a gleam to my eye. It was the glimmer of hope I needed during these dark times.

I decided right at that moment that the FIGHT is far from over. #MakePizzaHutGreatAgain is an ongoing battle but thankfully TNUC is fortunate enough to have so many supporters who share this passion. So please, continue to post your memories of classic Pizza Hut, whether that be in photos, merchandise items, eBay discoveries, artwork, stories or anything you can conjure up. We need our restaurant back.

Harry is actually taking it pretty hard.

PRIYA PANDA – FREAKY GIRL [VIDEO PREMIERE].

If you’re a regular bum around the Land of TNUC, surely you’ve felt the “Vanity Insanity” that happens quite often here. We cherish everything about Vanity. Her music, her films, her aura, her mystique. Vanity left this earth in 2016, but in her wake, she’s inspired more young people that some may realize in terms of style and allure.

So if you aren’t familiar with singer/songwriter Priya Panda, start paying attention, ya dingus! Not only has Priya been channeling Vanity since day 1 but she’s also a tremendous vocalist for the hard rock band Diemonds. While these accolades are obviously impressive, they are not what we’re here to talk about today.

Miss Panda will be releasing her debut solo album very soon and TNUC now has the privilege of premiering an exclusive new song and music video! Check it out below.

I was pretty intrigued when Priya announced a solo project was coming because as much as I dig her band Diemonds, she seemed like the sort of artist that could venture into really interesting and vastly different territory outside of rock ‘n roll. Like a true chameleon, Priya brings very diverse styles on all three songs released thus far from the upcoming EP, aptly titled Snacks. Each track represents a piece of her musical smorgasbord, whether that be rock, new wave, freestyle or something obscure.

With ‘Freaky Girl’, i’m getting some dreamy 90’s feelings that conjure up Shirley Manson, Hole and 1992’s drama/erotic thriller, Poison Ivy. There’s a lot going on musically in the song which I was able to decipher with my Pizza Hut headphones…so dig right in and enjoy.

Photo by Natalie Chahal (@MissWorldInc) in Burbank, CA

In touring with the band Diemonds over the last decade, Priya crossed paths with many people who became friends and now collaborators. The soon to be released album will be a reflection of that. Be sure to check out the previously released singles, “Shook U Off” and “Take Me Back”, two summer heartbreakers that you’ll be humming for days on end.

Purchase the single on AmazoniTunes / Google

SUN POWER.

Even during a sweltering summer in the excruciating heat, at Camp TNUC we never take the sun for granted.

First and foremost, it brings out all the long butts in town. The sun is a sizzling magnet for long-butts of all lengths, girths and colors of the wind. At any given afternoon on the shores of Lake TNUC, diverse long-butts can be inspected as far as the eye can see. It’s been happening since our ancestors roamed this great land.

*BREAKING NEWS* The forgotten midwest band Shooting Star will be making a special appearance tomorrow night at the TNUC WEENIE ROAST by Cabin #9 for a special concert! They are scheduled to perform their long-lost summer camp hit, ‘Summer Sun’!

If you can’t make it, Camp TNUC sends our deepest sympathies, but we’ve provided the following video link for you to enjoy with a frosty drink in hand. Crank it up and listen to those keys! 

 

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Ah…smell that? The sweet aroma of the ocean, fried dough and corndogs…all mixed with a whiff of blood. We must be back in Santa Carla!

It’s really just me longing for those hot summer nights on the boardwalk. Chasing girls, free concerts, concession food, random burning barrels, games, airbrushed shirts, cheap piercings, getting frisky under the lifeguard tower, volleyball, dirtbikes on the beach.

But the best part? The sense of danger that reverberated in the air. It’s hard to explain unless you were there to live it, but you could feel it in your veins, and it was a goddamn thrill. The boardwalk had no rules. The only authority figures were a couple of portly security guards that my grandmother could probably outrun with her walker.

But as most of you know, as the midnight hour approached, the boardwalk took on a second life. That hint of danger became downright menacing. Kids started to vanish. First it was just the runaways and street rats, then it became just about anyone who let their guard down.

Uncle T found these long-lost ‘MISSING’ flyers preserved in an old treasure chest in Grandmother TNUC’s basement, so I decided to plaster the remaining copies at a few nearby beach towns.

Download all flyers here (PDF)

A song began to echo in my brain and no, it actually wasn’t anything off The Lost Boys soundtrack. It’s a song called “Where Are They Now” from the AOR band Strangeways. The album is heralded by many as one the great AOR records of all time. Turn this way up, disciples…

Listen to the song as you browse the flyers of the missing boys. If it doesn’t evoke chills and emotions, seek medical attention. The songs on Strangeways’ 1989 album “Walk In The Fire” sound like tunes from an amazing soundtrack to a movie that was lost and never saw the light of day. It’s that go-for-the-glory, slow motion montage, making out at the top of the ferris wheel music.

As indicated on the album’s artwork, this is the musical equivalent to the sun setting on a dusty desert highway while you roam the badlands in your DeTomaso Pantera.

Goddamn, I seriously love this shit so much. Crank this album all summer long with a woman to cherish the night with. Listen on Spotify or however you do it on your computers, then smarten up and buy a physical copy of this album where records are sold.

ASSIGNMENT TIME!

First, download all the ‘MISSING’ Lost Boys flyers here! Your summer assignment from Counselor TNUC is to print these things and plaster them wherever you please, then tag @UncleTNUC or #MissingLostBoys on the social stuff and you might win something juicy!

WET-HOT-TNUC-SUMMER, PART 5.

It’s been a while since a new batch of HOT-WET-TNUC-SUMMER songs showed up around here, but don’t think for a minute that it had something to do with a lack of ruthless tunes each summer. The reason for the absence was because Uncle T has been locked in summer school the past couple years after setting the high school record for cherry bombs going off in the toilets.

So it appears that we’re long overdue to get wet! Here’s a personal list of sweaty scorchers perfect for any occasion…Ripping down the slip ‘n slide into kiddie pool full of sudsy beer? Check. The head lifeguard asking you to spread lotion on her back while all the preppies from class stare at you in a jealous rage? Double check. Rope swinging into the lake while wearing your new neanderthal loin cloth? Triple check.

#1 Joseph Williams – Turn It Up

Hot nights at summer camp start with songs just like this. Whether it’s peeping around the girls’ outdoor shower area, sending Counselor Donahue’s underpants up the flagpole or sneaking out of your cabin window at midnight to meet up with your camp crush, this smooth number from the soundtrack to 1986’s Space Camp should do just fine. ***This song also appeared on our Summer Camp Mixtape from 2018!***

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#2 Alice Cooper – Hard Rock Summer

Who in their right mind could say no to a song that reminds us of Jason Voorhees and hot blondes in hot camaros, sung by Alice Cooper of all people?! This one is a total no-brainer, easiest pick of the litter and comes from the soundtrack to Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives. Crank it up and drink a beer.

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#3 Priya Panda – Shook U Off

When I heard that firecracker Priya Panda from the rock band Diemonds was doing a solo thing, I was intrigued but didn’t know what direction she would be going in. Her first single “Take Me Back” was a sultry atmospheric ballad that I really dug and featured a little sprinkling of guitar from Brent Woods of Wildside and Sebastian Bach’s solo band. On “Shook U Off” Priya channels Sheila E, Stevie B and VANITY, yet at the same time creates a sound that is uniquely her own and stands out from the pack. The hook is pure summer and ice cream. Watch the music video.

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#4 Bob Seger – Miami

My friends and I concluded a long time ago that there are 3 chapters of Bob Seger’s music. #1 “Classic Seger”. This is the blue-collar, working man, hauling ass in a Bronco music that contains his most timeless and classic material. #2 “The dads-and-uncles-dancing-at-a-wedding Seger”, and finally #3 COCAINE SEGER. “Cocaine Seger” is a distinct selection of his more polished and glimmery-production based songs that make you think of big Cadillacs, silver platters, $1400 silk suits, cuff links, yachts, aviator sunglasses and mountains of organic cocaine. “Shakedown” from the Beverly Hills Cop II soundtrack and “Miami” from the 1986 album Like A Rock are the quintessential two songs from this chapter of the Bob Seger legacy. 

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#5 KISS – Dirty Livin’ (Mexican 12″ extended version)

My favorite era of KISS was the street tough, city rat, leather, denim and makeup days. Leave it to the drummer of the band (Peter Criss) to create this absolute staple of boogie rock with “Dirty Livin”. If I was around in 1978, I would have completely cared less about the whole “KISS went disco and the fans were divided” thing with the Dynasty album. This song slaps and that’s all that matters. Drop me inside of a roller-disco under the flashing lights when this song comes on and Uncle T will be doing things on rollerskates that he or anyone else wouldn’t have thought was possible and probably should be illegal in at least 49 states.

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#6 Donny Benét – Second Dinner

Australian pop hero Donny Benét released what is easily going to be one of the best albums of 2020 with Mr. Experience. People ask me if this guy is serious and the answer is YES Donny is the real deal. One of my favorite tracks from the record is “Second Dinner” which just so happens to be the #1 requested song during our mess hall dinners (and subsequent food fights) at Camp TNUC this season. Watch the brilliant music video to find out why.

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#7 Winger – All I Ever Wanted

I have this recurring dream that I’m stranded on a beautiful tropical island, alone, horny, with absolutely no woman in sight. Months pass which feel like years and just when I think about launching myself off a rock to end my misery, the reverberating sounds of a ’88 Jeep CJ with the top ripped off comes bursting through the jungle and onto the beach. At first glimpse I think it’s a mirage and I must be losing my mind from dehydration or eating poisonous mangoes.

But she appears. It’s Lady TNUC in her buzz-sawed scuba shorts, B.U.M. equipment crop top, banana yellow visor, ruby red lips and freshly tanned skin from the island sun. The stereo in the Jeep is blaring this studio version of “All I Ever Wanted” by Winger, a song that was previously a b-side from the In The Heart of the Young era.

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Thanks for reading…now keep cranking and don’t be late for Beefaroni Popsicles tonight in the mess hall!

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