BIG BALLS.

As I prepare to enter the following sacred scripture in the TNUC Bible, our world sits in the middle of a global pandemic. So what if I told you that for 1 solid hour, you could strap into an action-packed audio beast-feast that would harness the power of every golden-era action movie hero and blow this deadly fucking virus back to the stinky streets where it came from?

If your answer is YES, follow these simple directions:

#1: Watch the trailer.

#2: Read the following passage.

Going hard on the action sauce but holding the misogyny, ‘Big Balls’ is an expertly-arranged flashback to the hugely formative synth scores of golden-era action movies whose shooting budgets usually left 7 figures aside for the lead’s coke habit. If you grew up or watched movies during that era, you surely know exactly what we’re talking about, and if not then the music will definitely induce memories of muscle-bound megastars taking down helicopters with a machete and bumsliding over car bonnets against backdrops of explosions and such. You know the shit, and arguably for many the best part of those movies was their soundtracks, whose stacked and rippling arps, rocket-squeal leads and lush pads matched and properly heightened the on-screen excess in unforgettable and culturally osmotic ways.

The premise for ‘Big Balls’ then, finds Hurley – himself now part of the very highest tier of sound designers for film and television – drawing from a huge knowledge of this pivotal, unprecedented phase in maximalist soundtrack composition (which itself mirrored a wider phase shift from analog to digital studio production) to sure-handedly evoke all the sweat and fake blood of your favourite and most charmingly groan-worthy big Hollywood action hits. Using a panoply of extreme arpeggios, strutting 12bit percussion, sleazy basslines and syn-sax honks, he renders the finest sort of American cheeseboard that ideally highlights the style’s comical but practically avant garde tropes in a narrative-like flow and context bound to jog the imagination and have you acting out barrel rolls over the sofa and making home movies, The Wolfpack style, while under lockdown conditions.

#3: Download the mixtape for FREE here and hold on to your balls.

Artwork by Chrome & Lightening

‘Big Balls’ is the creation of Dean Hurley, a man who just happens to a David Lynch collaborator and sound designer of this show called Twin Peaks you might have heard of. Mr. Hurley has seamlessly combined action movie scores with a focused, close eye on the testosterone-pumping and glossy, synthesized scores from the genre. When taking a step back and hearing this music on its own and blended together, you can’t help but appreciate what Dean, and the original composers did so brilliantly.

As pictured above, ‘Big Balls’ was released in extremely limited quantities (200) in a stunning, Desert Eagle Gold cassette. It sold out faster than John Matrix snapped that guy’s neck on the plane ride to Val Verde. If copies become available at a future date, you’ll hear about it here.

‘Big Balls’ isn’t just a power hour for training montages as it also could be used for stealth operations, jungle missions, getting into the bank vault, meditation on a cloud of enlightenment, wrestling with a lover at sundown or cruising the coastline at night. For all you hardcore action junkies, consider ‘Big Balls’ a test of your knowledge. Go ahead and name as many films as you can in the comment section of this article and maybe Uncle TNUC will release the tracklisting!

 

HIGH IN HIGH SCHOOL.

When I hear people talking shit about KISS these days it’s the lamest thing ever. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions and personal tastes, but don’t be a snarky dingus about four leather-clad monsters that took over the world in 1975 to play rock ‘n roll. GTFO.

I have nothing but love for classic-era KISS which has a lot to do with KISS being my first concert, courtesy of my dad a.k.a. Pops TNUC. It was also the first time I saw a pair of boobs. It might sound cliche, but that experience changed my life.

While recently revisiting old high school movie classics like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The Stoned Age, Tuff Turf, Rock ‘N Roll High School, Dazed and Confused and Detroit Rock City, I remembered the old story of how KISS invaded a high school in the small town of Cadillac, Michigan in October of 1975…



“In 1973 the Cadillac High School Vikings football team finished undefeated with a perfect 9-0 record. Spirits were soaring as the 1974 season began, but the Vikings lost the first two games of the season. We coaches knew that the team was talented, but we also knew that the pressure of living up to the accomplishments of the previous year were causing the team to play below their abilities. We were looking for something to lighten the atmosphere and playing Rock and Roll in the locker room before practices and games was suggested. As the resident Rock and Roll expert, head coach Dave Brines gave me the task of picking the music. I chose a new and outrageous band — KISS. They were wild, bold, and loud. Plus, their name invoked an old football credo — Keep It Simple Stupid. It was a match that was meant to be. The 1974 team won its final seven games with KISS as an inspiration. The band heard about what we were doing and instantly adopted the Vikings as their team. Then in October of 1975 the unbelievable happened, KISS came to Cadillac High School and played a homecoming concert in the high school gym. It’s an event that has become a cornerstone of KISStory and a legendary event in Rock and Roll!”
– Jim Neff, Cadillac High School Vikings Assistant Coach


Unless you were a student at Cadillac HS, one can only imagine the feeling of this teenage fantasy come to life. I used to sit in my high school auditorium during assemblies and and literally dream about my favorite band busting through the room with loud guitars, blood and fog.

KISS not only strutted through the town and school hallways to take photos with students, they put the icing on the cake by rocking a concert in the school gymnasium! The following day the band surprised everyone by landing a helicopter on the football field during the homecoming festivities.

I need a time machine made out of a Delorean right about now.

LOVE IN THE LOUNGE.

In the middle of this virus-pandemic-global-apocalypse, a shimmering light appears from a smoky mist. Lush melodic sounds and cocoa butter production emerge from the light, which provides the easy distraction I need from the madness of the world. Can you feel it? It’s the brand new album from Lovelock, titled Washington Park. Listen and indulge.

Aside from a few remixes over the years, Steve Moore’s Lovelock project hasn’t flexed its muscles in quite some time (eight years since the last album, Burning Feeling) He’s been a busy man over the years with a number of film scores (The Guest, The Mind’s Eye, Bliss, VFW), his solo releases and operating as one-half of synth maestros, Zombi.

The six tracks on Washington Park took me on a journey that ended up inside of a dark lounge at 3 a.m. One of those places you stumble into at the end of the night after walking around aimlessly for hours, bored, restless and looking for ‘something’. Small circle tables. Red tablecloths. Cigarette haze. Extremely dim lighting. A woman alone on a tiny stage playing a saxophone. Lonely singles. Mustached strangers of the night. Old Christmas lighting. Nick Nightingale.

A woman sitting alone smoking a gigantic cigarette calls your attention. After some minor dialogue, she invites you to her penthouse loft for a bubble bath and a glass of sparkling Lambrusco.

“People have so many demands on them already in their lives. I’m just trying to give them a little enjoyment and relaxation.”
– Christopher Cross

Everybody needs a little Lovelock right about now. Download this fantastic album here.

SPIROS – WILD ON THE ISLE [VIDEO PREMIERE].

Leave it to SPIROS to create the tropical doom masterpiece that is “Wild On The Isle” from his latest album, Eternal. This is really and truly the 8-minute escape we need right now in the world.

In attempt to capture the magic of this song, Uncle TNUC had to make a video. Enjoy it. Share it. Bathe in its light. 

If you haven’t heard Eternal in full, what are you waiting for? Download now.

SPIROS – ETERNAL.

Finally, I had arrived at the site of the ruin. I stood before the entrance to Passions, once the most sacred and revered discoteca in all Southern Italy. Tonight the air was oppressive – thick with the emptiness gathered across decades in abandonment. I took one last lungful of the briny air from the nearby Aegean Sea, and pushed aside the heavy, creaking doors. I was in the foyer. My footsteps echoed across marble floors as the doors slammed shut behind me. A frosty, silvery light filtered in through shingleless gaps in the roof that had long ago collapsed, illuminating the staircase before me. On either end of the stairs, yellowed marble carvings of the gods stood sentry, watching over me as I climbed, and stirred up clouds of dust. Once I neared the top of the stairs I heard an indistinct sound coming from behind the door. It was a rumbling bass, but muted, like a radio at the bottom of a pool. But, it couldn’t be. Not in this place. I was likely the first patron these statues have seen since the last neon lights fizzled out. Was someone else here, waiting for me? I placed my hand on the rusty door handle, pushed down, leaned my shoulder into the door, and it flew open – into a world beyond.

The club was full. Thousands of people, and not just any people – thousands of screaming, adoring fans filled the venue from wall to balcony, and from mezzanine to stage. Just as the crowd reached a fever pitch of anticipation, the silhouette of a man appeared amidst the blue, fog-drenched stage and the crowd erupted in a roar. The fog dissipated as he stepped through his shadow and spoke.

“My friends, good evening. I am SPIROS. And I Am Mix King! It has been long time, yes? Tonight I bring to you mix journey full of passion. The passion of lover who bathe in the fountains of SPIROS, of delicate flower of lover whose navel I graze like fruit of nectarine, the beauty of pain and loss, the Mediterranean Sea and grand villa of SPIROS, waves on sea shores of mist, of angels that sing through me. For I am SPIROS, and this is Eternal.”

Later that night after I had journeyed through the aether with the Mediterranean Phantom, everything – the thousands of adoring fans, the lasers, the smoke, the posters, the music, and SPIROS himself all faded into the inky black of the deep night, and all was once again dust and ruin.

††† SPIROS – ETERNAL †††

Free download 

Who is SPIROS? SPIROS is a Mediterranean phantom who creates a musical style as legend refers to as “way-slo”. This music is deeply enriched in passion and mystery. He’s been providing TNUC with music for the last 10 years. After listening to the new album ‘ETERNAL’, further your journey at this location.

BARBARIAN IN HEAVEN.

This week came to an insanely rough close after finding out that David Paul, one-half of the iconic duo The Barbarian Brothers had passed away in his sleep at 62 years old. Anyone who follows this website would understand the level of importance these twin meatballs were to TNUC.

From breaking records in bodybuilding during the early eighties to a bizarro movie career which spawned classics like The Barbarians, Double Trouble and Twin Sitters, these guys have always been towering figures of fascination and inspiration to us. Make no mistake, these are badly directed movies paired with bad acting, but they possess a certain charm that is undeniable. Taking a look back at the career of David and Peter, it’s remarkable what they were able to do.

I’ve met both brothers at two separate occasions, which are wild tales that need to be told at some point. As for right now during this tough time, TNUC put together a little picture montage in tribute to the legendary, modern day neanderthal and my hero, DAVID PAUL. 

♥♥

Rest In Power, David Paul and Cowboy (the dog)

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