A ruthless snarl rumbles menacingly through the city. Tires roll over the slick wet asphalt. A proud hawk soars above. A cigarette dangles from a bottom lip. It could only mean one thing.
A 1987 BUICK GRAND NATIONAL IS PROWLING THE STREETS.
You know how people talk about the feeling of “goosebumps” or “chills” when hearing a great song? Or it could happen from watching a really epic movie scene that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up? I get the same power when seeing a Buick Grand National roll down the highway…and I know I’m not alone.
If you see one and get lucky, a platinum blonde with teased hair the size of Texas and legs for days will be driving. If you get REALLY lucky, someone that is basically Wade Garrett (Road House) is behind the wheel. Mid-50’s, sandy mullet, black jeans, scars, half asleep, lucky horseshoe ring, I ♥ Wanda tattoo, soft-pack cigarettes, empty Miller High Life bottles clanging around, rabbit’s foot keychain, faded maroon interior, faded cassette tapes on the dash, faded scratch tickets, faded painters’ union card, divorce papers crumbled up on the floor, JUGGS magazine, the same Dokken tape stuck in the stereo for the last 7 years and a pair of LLBP’s (lacy long-butt panties) on the backseat.
That’s right, this son of a bitch is headed straight to the bowling alley.
It’s hard to believe that a car can evoke this type of adrenaline, but the feeling is real. It’s absolutely real.
Uncle TNUC isn’t going to pretend he’s an automobile guru, so I’ll spare you with the long history lesson. What’s of great importance is that the 1987 “Grand National Experimental” (GNX) is highly regarded as being the last American muscle car. For Buick’s final production of Grand Nationals, they created a monster.
The ’87 GNX had an output of 300 brake horse power and 355 lb-ft of torque from its turbocharged, intercooled V-6. It beat out a Ferrari F40 and Porsche 930 in a performance test. Changes to its interior included an analog turbo boost gage. The GNX was created to be “The Grand National to end all Grand Nationals”. Any color was available…as long as it was black.
If a gun was pointed at my head and I had to choose just one song that captures the essence of the ’87 GNX, not a list of songs, ONE FUCKING SONG, I’d look up at the gunman with a shit-eating grin because the answer is too easy. The clear choice is The Doobie Brothers’ “Dangerous” from the 1991 action movie Stone Cold. Sure the song lyrics reference Harley motorcycles, but listen to those grooves and try not to imagine a guy in a sandy mullet screeching down the highway in a black Buick of death. Empty soft-packs of Vantage 100s crumbled up in the rear dash window. A sun-faded Garfield suction cup clinger hangs on for dear life. Now turn this up…
“Dangerous, that’s why you love it”
R.I.P. 1982 – 1987
“I RIDE THE WIND FOREVER FREE”
At the beginning of a cold and bleak January, I think we could all use an escape. Some place warm.
Let’s hop aboard a private jet at a Miami airport, donning an $800 suit and a tie with a toucan printed on it.
Now imagine being whisked away to the tropical paradise of the coca forests in Cochabamba, Bolivia. I can’t think of a better way to begin 2020.
Press play in the video link above and join me as we revisit the home of cultivated businessman and winner of “best dressed cocaine messiah” 4 years in a row, Alejandro Sosa.
A wealthy landowner. Educated in England. Comes from a very good family. The business brain and drug overlord of an empire that stretches across the Andes. Everyone knows and respects Sosa. His close friends and colleagues call him “Alex”. If he likes you and doesn’t think you’re a liar, Mr. Sosa will have his associates fly you to his backyard patio in Cochabamba for a pleasant afternoon lunch. After a salad and tour of Sosa’s luxurious estate, you’ll browse his cocaine factory. If things don’t work out and he ends up “smelling your garbage”, you’ll be lynched from a helicopter above his home by a henchman wearing sunglasses. *Binoculars will be provided to guests for watching your death*
Quick thanks to the remarkable YouTube uploader who created that 10-hour recording of the “Bolivia Theme” from 1983’s Scarface. I thought Uncle T was the only psycho who would enjoy such a thing. It’s also a reminder of how incredible every second of Giorgio Moroder’s music is from the Scarface soundtrack, even sequences such as this quick theme. Which leads us to our next feature…
Make no mistake, the music in Scarface is probably my favorite music ever put to film. However I’d be lying if I said I haven’t beaten those songs to smithereens over the years. I need a little break from “Vamos A Bailar”. My understanding is that Giorgio Moroder is sitting on hours and hours of the (still) unreleased score and bonus tracks that didn’t make the soundtrack nor the film.
Today we present a small taste that was provided to Uncle T while on a pilgrimage in the Andes Mountains with Kurt Sloan many years ago. I’ve had these tracks in storage for a while, and longtime TNUC disciples might remember when we shared them over a decade ago.
From what I’ve gathered these are the only bonus tracks to be released. Enjoy them with a spicy cocktail and plant-based narcotics courtesy of Uncle T. ♦
If there’s one thing TNUC loves, it’s a house full of wood paneling. Plop me on a beanbag chair in the middle of a basement or den with wall-to-wall wood panelling and I’m in heaven. It’s my ultimate comfort living situation. So when Uncle T was narrowing down his Christmas list for Santy Claus this year, I came to the sudden realization that instead of presents this year, all I really want is my wood paneled TNUC lair back again.
Several years ago, our wood paneled fortress burned to the ground after one of my compadres was drunkenly blowing fireballs on a set of curtains. Fireball is a 180 proof bottle of alcohol that you and your friends can use spit out into a flame and cause a big poof of fire. *Not recommended*
During an unforgettable scene in the 1984 holiday horror classic Silent Night Deadly Night, the babysitter played by scream queen Linnea Quigley wrestles around with a boyfriend in a house which can only be described as what wood paneling dreams are made of.
I’ve always wondered what those hairy muppet things on the wall were all about. Tina Turner wigs?
Sure it’s a gruesome death scene featuring a homicidal maniac dressed as Santa, but as a fan of wood paneled interiors, you can’t help but smile in awe.
Now for your listening pleasure, here’s the Z-grade Christmas song that can be heard in the background of this very scene. OH LINNEA!
Listen up jive turkeys. With the holiday’s just around the corner, how’s about a heavy pouring of saxophone?
Studies have shown that leading up to Thanksgiving, Uncle T and Auntie T listen to way more saxophone than any other time of the year. So what’s that all about?
After extensive psychoanalysis and research, it seems that deep in the TNUC subconscious brain, saxophone is to music to as gravy is to turkey. It’s the feeling of tenderness saxophone brings to a song that TNUC lusts for during the colder months. There’s nothing quite like nestling up with a lover in front of a roaring fire, sweating to death while the sounds of promiscuous sax reverberate through the air.
Our #2 oily sax warrior, Everette Harp (second to only Tim Cappello), really brings the heat in this performance of Phil Collins’ ‘Take a Look at me Now” live at Red Rocks featuring John Tesh looking like Grimace as he mans the piano. This video is mandatory viewing.
Mr. Harp has provided promiscuous sax for a number of artists including Teena Marie, Anita Baker, Billy Joel, Chaka Khan, Kenny Loggins and Luther Vandross. His debut album arrived in 1992 featuring thirteen tracks to make your ponytail swing and earring dangle. Listen to “When I Think Of You”….
Wise men understand that a quick way to a ladies’ heart is showering her with some unadulterated, unprotected sax. But the ladies don’t just get swooned by the sax, they also partake in the movement. Dutch saxophonist Candy Dulfer made a big impact with the major hit song “Lily Was Here” in 1989.
If what you need is a holiday mix of saxophone, piano-infused rock, dance numbers and other treats to set the mood, look no further than TNUC’s ‘Mystery Meat Mix’. It’s the only Thanksgiving themed mixtape you’re likely to hear…ever!
Rod, Vikki, Stu and Chip wanted something more this Halloween. They needed danger. They lusted for excitement. They craved passion.
The weeks leading up to the 31st were always fun, but over the years Halloween night itself had been pretty underwhelming. Lackluster parties, curfews, town ordinances, chaperoned dances, PTA regulations, Tipper Gore, no costumes in school, no summoning demons, no sacrifices, no grave robbing, no good old fashioned seances and the absolute worst of all…lame, non-Halloween music being played at parties and nightclubs.
Is there anything more gut-wrenching and soul-sucking than hearing top 40 music at a Halloween related event? What sort of sick imbecile allows this to happen? Halloween is all about celebrating the frights, spooks, shrieks and things that go bump in the night. It’s the one time of year when everyday, mundane things are flipped upside down to revel in the darkness. Give me some vampire rock bands, devilish songs or even something as overplayed as Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. It doesn’t matter. Just keep it goddamned Halloweeny.
Earlier this year, Rod’s Uncle Biff died in a tragic motorcycle accident. In his very small will, Uncle Biff left one crucial artifact…a mysterious, sealed cassette tape titled “The House Where TNUC Dwells” for his nephew Rod with strict instructions to only open on Halloween night, when the moon is full. Sure enough, a full moon was looming ahead this very Halloween. Rod, Vikki, Stu and Chip all looked at each other with the same thought in mind. This was about to be a Halloween they’d never forget.
They opened the tape and inside was a detailed map of how to access the elusive, sacred “Manimal Mansion”. The letter stated it was of great importance to present this tape to the Manimal himself.
Dozens of people had died just attempting to access the old haunted mansion, but in Uncle Biff’s notes it listed how his entry plan was somewhat safe.
They waited until darkness and followed the map to a back entrance of the old Victorian. Coming from inside they could hear thunderous drums, squealing guitars and sensual moans. A tall, lurking man approached the door and reached out his hand. Rod gave him the cassette tape and the man told them to wait. The music inside stopped. The lurking man returned to the door, grinned and grunted “WELLLLLCOMMMMME”.
The music inside restarted immediately. The group stepped inside and feasted their eyes on what could only be described as the best Halloween party known to mankind. The guest list at this gathering was a dream come true. At first glance, a conga line went by with Elvira in the front, followed by Coors Light’s Beer Wolf, Vincent Price, Patrick Swayze, Cousin It, four female mud wrestlers, Dolph Lundgren and the trolls from Troll 2.
Other eyewitness accounts:
• Refreshments table which included a real coffin stacked with beer, one of those glass bowls filled with generic red punch, a snack spread of Universal Monster cereals, slices of Freddy’s “soul pizza” and Frank ‘n Stuff hot dogs.
• Over by the staircase, the Ghoulies creatures were stair-diving into a kiddie pool filled with beer.
• Barbara Crampton was giving cash to a zombie pizza delivery guy at the door.
• Then, Barbara took the pizza to a private room and enjoyed a saxophone lap-dance from oily-sax beast Tim Cappello.
• Bats were flying freely throughout the mansion and no one seemed to care. They belonged there.
• Linnea Quigley was leading a dance group of topless living dead babes wearing hot-orange Hooters shorts.
• Alice Cooper was playing with a bucket of slime he picked up at Kaybee Toys that afternoon.
…and of course, there was The Manimal who was seated up in the tower. He was controlling the fog machines and playing his organ along to The House Where TNUC Dwells mixtape with a big grin on his face. “NOW THIS IS HALLOWEEN”, he screamed…
Now it’s your turn. Enter at your own risk but whatever you do, don’t go in the attic!
1) JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH – TOCCATA AND FUGUE IN D MINOR
2) LOUDNESS – CRAZY NIGHTS
3) PARASITE – NIGHTWINDS
4) LORI CHACKO – ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY
5) JOHN HARRISON – THE DEAD WALK
6) BLACK SABBATH – NEON KNIGHTS
7) BUDDY MILES – CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT
8) DEMON – NIGHT OF THE DEMON
9) MALICE – LICENSE TO KILL
10) WHODINI – HAUNTED HOUSE OF ROCK
11) IRON MAIDEN – 22 ACACIA AVENUE
12) 3 SPEED – ONCE BITTEN
13) KROKUS – SCREAMING IN THE NIGHT
14) DANCE WITH THE DEAD – MIDNIGHT NEVER ENDS
15) D/A/D – MEMORIAM
††† HAPPY HALLOWEEN †††