TOP PIZZA DELIVERY DUDES!

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Welcome to another discussion revolving around everyone’s favorite and gooiest topic, P I Z Z A.

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I think Uncle TNUC speaks for many of us in confessing that the thought of being a pizza delivery dude is something we’ve imagined doing at one time during this lifetime. Even if that meant filling out a job application for Pizza Hut, working for 1 night and then then throwing a cigarette butt in the manager’s face and quitting, it’s probably worth it just for the experience, right? There’s something about cruising around all night and delivering pizzas to stranger’s doorsteps that is alluring. Whether it’s the unknown adventure or slight dangerous aspect of who’s lurking behind the door, it’s a little bit exciting.

These pizza providing fantasies typically stem from watching movies. On so many occasions we’ve witnessed guys in goofy uniforms carrying big, steaming hot pizza sleeves, walking up to a house about to ring a doorbell and see where fate takes them. For some reason the most common scenario ends with the pizza guy being used or abused in some way (beat up, mugged, seduced, kidnapped, stiffed for a tip, etc.).

To honor these brave men of society (to this day I’ve never seen a pizza delivery lady), today we’re counting down our TOP PIZZA DELIVERY DUDES of all eternity!

men-at-work-pizza-guy#5 “Pizza Guy”
Restaurant: Pedros Pizza & Pancakes
Movie: Men At Work (1990)

Kicking off this countdown is our old pal “Chainsaw” from Summer School (Dean Cameron) who plays a pizza guy at the wrong place and wrong time in the trash truck driving epic Men At Work. When he shows up to Emilio Estevez’ place to drop off an innocent pie, he witnesses them wheeling a lifeless body through the apartment. Before he can split, the lunatic Vietnam vet played by Keith David decides very quickly that the pizza guy has seen too much. On top of having to wear that uniform in public, the guys kidnap him, put his head through a wall and cause the poor delivery boy a whole lot of heartache.

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gary-last-american#4 “Gary”
Restaurant: Pink Pizza
Movie: The Last American Virgin (1982)

This movie proves that being a virgin who delivers pizzas in a hot pink station wagon across the valley can eventually lead to endless adventures, even if that means getting into trouble. Dropping off pizzas allowed Gary and his friends to be invited inside the home of a mature nymphomaniac who wanted more than a hot lunch. In fact, she was seeking a triple-sausage special which if you haven’t seen the movie I won’t spoil it for you.

TNUC rates The Last American Virgin up there with the greats like Revenge of the Nerds and the Vacation movies. It’s THAT precious.

P.S. Pink Pizza also delivers beer with their pizza which is a monumental plus.

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tony-hawk-gleaming-the-cube-tnuc#3 “Buddy”
Restaurant: Pizza Hut
Movie: Gleaming the Cube (1989)

Skateboarding icon Tony Hawk shows up with his floppy California-butthead hairdo as one of Christian Slater’s friends in 1989’s Gleaming the Cube. “Buddy” works for Pizza Hut….but not just any Pizza Hut…1980’S PIZZA HUT. You know, the place with the red vinyl booths, golden crust aroma, stained-glass chandeliers, brick walls and respectable pizza! Uncle T could go on for days about this golden era (and we have).

Buddy cruises around with his skater friends in the infamous and mysterious Pizza Hut red-roof-delivery-truck, which we actually spent an entire week researching it’s authenticity and existence a couple years ago. This little truck with epic proportions featured a miniature version of the restaurant’s signature red roof as it’s car topper. Even when I was younger and couldn’t drive a car, I wanted that little roof for the top of my backyard treehouse.

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#2 “Pizza Dude”
Restaurant: Domino’s
Movie: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) 

Some of these pizza delivery dudes deserve their entire performance to be posted in full video form, and the Domino’s pizza delivery dude from TMNT is definitely one of them.

There’s a lot to love about this movie, but what’s stuck with me the most throughout the years is the grimy and gritty portrayal of New York City. For a live action movie about four giant Turtles who know karate, the creators kept the movie as dark and real as they could swing for a PG rating. Scenes of mugging, warehouse parties, dank sewers, city creepers and secret underground clans kept kids on edge and never allowed the story to came across soft at all.

This pizza guy fits the aesthetic perfectly as he’s clearly built up a toughness for what strange shit comes his way in the city, as shown when he accepts a 10 dollar bill being handed up to him from a sewer. Instead of running off into the night when he hears voices from underground, he slips the Domino’s box through the grates and even complains when the Turtles don’t tip!

Fun Fact: “Pizza Dude” was played by Michelan Sisti who also played the Michaelangelo character inside the rubber costume!

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#1 “Pizza Boy”
Restaurant: Little Nero’s Pizza 
Movie: Home Alone (1990)

During not only the greatest pizza delivery dude scene ever but also one of the best moments in motion picture history, Little Nero’s #1 pizza boy goes toe to toe with local professional prankster Kevin McCallister and the result is an all-out audio machine gun assault courtesy of an 8 year old. Other reasons why “Pizza Boy” rules this list:

Patience level while trying to get the $122.50 someone in this rich obnoxious home owes him
Speedy delivery. Ever notice how hot n’ steamy Kevin’s pizza is when he opens the box? Maximum respect, pizza boy.
Crucial hair-flop under that Little Nero’s ball cap!

“Pizza Boy” joins an unbelievably rich group of legends in Home Alone including Kevin, Buzz, Fuller, Uncle Frank, Marv, Harry, a pet tarantula, Gus Polinski, Snakes, Johnny and Old Man Marley. There really isn’t much else to say about him…just go watch this holiday hit of the season!

HUNGRY now? Wet your appetite by revisiting our Ooey Gooey Cheesy Pizza Mixtape below!

STEVE MOORE – THE MIND’S EYE.

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More people need to be talking about 2015’s The Mind’s Eye. 

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When I first learned that Zombi’s Steve Moore was brewing up a hot bubbly score to an upcoming science fiction horror film that revolved around a telekinetic revenge story, my body reacted with feverish excitement. Being a long time fan of Moore’s work in Zombi, his solo projects, remixes and other soundtracks, I was pretty much locked in already. But given the fact that this particular score was headed into dark, whackjob sci-fi territory, I felt like this was a long time coming.

With so many of us listening to this guy crank out brooding, mind-destroying synthesizer music over the past 10 years, there’s always been this question of “when are horror/sci-fi directors going to wake up and use this guy?”. Keep in mind, this was long before the synth-soundtrack craze took off like we’re experiencing these days.

Then in 2011, it all seemed to come into fruition when two lower budget horror movies surfaced – Gutterballs and Star Vehicle – with Moore providing music under the Italian maestro alias Gianni Rossi. Fast forward to 2014 and Adam Wingard (You’re Next) taps Moore to score his upcoming military PTSD thriller The Guest. Then just a few months later, a foreign film called Cub arrives with another impressive release from Steve. It all seemed to be finally happening.

With those releases under his belt, next up was hearing what this guy could do for a movie which looked to feature promising things like head explosions, snowy landscapes, telekinetic mind trauma and balls-to-the-wall practical gore effects. Enter director Joe Begos’ THE MIND’S EYE… 

Well disciples, I’m happy to report that this is THE ONE. Never before has Moore’s music been such a integral part of a film than it is in The Mind’s Eye. Not to take anything away from prior work in other films (because they’re seriously great too) but this one just seems like the mega match up. The pulsating electronic drive and emotional synth-shrieks heard throughout the 90 minute feature create such a heightened tension when it’s needed, while swooping down and getting eerily subtle during quieter moments. The score elevates outrageous scenes of blood n’ guts to their absolute fullest while never taking anything away from the film nor distracting you from what’s happening on screen. Hear “It’s Complicated” below [TNUC exclusive!]

You know how impossible it is to imagine The Shining, Nightmare on Elm Street or The Fog without their crucial musical themes we know so well? That’s how it feels with this one.

I had the privilege of catching The Mind’s Eye in a packed theater on a gigantic screen in Los Angeles last year, which felt like the best way to see this movie immediately after seeing the words pop up on screen before the intro titles “THIS FILM SHOULD BE PLAYED LOUD”. There were scenes in the movie where people were literally cheering and applauding what they were watching on the screen. It’s aggressive. It’s nasty. It rules.

I can’t say enough positive things about this score. At 85 minutes in length, it remarkably still feels like an album you can just throw on the car stereo and cruise around all night, much like one of the Zombi records. Now Relapse Records will be releasing Steve Moore’s mesmerizing score to The Mind’s Eye on 2xLP/CD/digital on December 2nd!

Details: http://www.relapse.com/steve-moore-the-minds-eye/ 

NOVEMBER’S LOCAL HOT SPOT OF THE MONTH: THE VIDEO RENTAL STORE.

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Your bored and have nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Not old enough to drive but still too young for permission to walk around town. Then suddenly, your sister screeches up the driveway in the wood-paneled, family station wagon and calls out to you…

“HEY LET’S GO TO THE VIDEO STORE”

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Whether it was Blockbuster or the little ratty video store on the corner with the grumpy desk clerk who also sold cigarettes and rubbers, EVERYONE misses video rental stores. The current age of “movie browsing convenience at your fingertips” will never hold a candle to walking those carpeted aisles of endless VHS wonder. The ritual of physically walking into a video store to choose a movie is something we didn’t even realize at the time was so precious.

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Anyone remember TNUC’s Love Letter to Blockbuster? That was basically our attempt at an apology on behalf of all the online bashing the video rental legend received from whiny nerds who somehow were still complaining about their “bad experiences” at Blockbuster back in the day. Mind you, this was also happening while the business was rotting away and slowly closing their stores. Soulless idiots!

I have just as many fond memories of browsing rows of VHS covers at the mom n’ pop rental places as I do at Blockbuster. When I was in 5th grade I clearly remember reaching into the bargain bin at our Blockbuster and pulling out a copy of Surf Nazis Must Die for $2.99. Normally I’d be too intimidated by horror titles to actually rent one during that time, and browsing around just staring at them was enough excitement. But a Nazi with a robotic hand and machine gun, surfing a wave over a babe looking up in pure terror? Count me in.

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There are many things these days that instantly remind me of being at the video store. Fake-buttery popcorn, microwaved pizza, clam-shell plastic, weird carpet smells…the list is massive. Also whenever I see those rubbery Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from from the 1990 movie…instant video store dreams.

One strange memory that sticks out in my mind from video store days, which would actually foreshadow an obsession later down the road, was this:

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I’ll never forget combing the action/adventure section and seeing 1987’s THE BARBARIANS staring right back at me. I’d usually do one of those quick looks back and forth while moving down the aisle, excited but a little uncomfortable at what I was looking at. It isn’t everyday a 9 year old comes across an image of oily, bulging twin meatballs in loin cloths.

Are there any video rental locations still in operation where you live? Did your local shop have an adult XXX section with those bizarre saloon doors? Tell TNUC everything in the comment section!

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† R.I.P. †

[Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month is a adrenaline-thrusting history lesson and celebration of signature hangout spots one might recognize from television, film or real life. Our objective is to not just rediscover and dissect these places, but more importantly create a feeling like you’re really there. Take your time with these entries. Hang out. Turn some music on.
To visit the rest of ’em, go here.]

CRUDE DUDE RECORD REVIEW #5.

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Winger’s sistine chapel of their impressive but misunderstood legacy was the band’s third album, Pull. The only problem? It came out in 1993. 

Poor bastards…they never stood a chance.

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CRUDE DUDE RECORD REVIEW #5
WINGER – PULL
Review by: Uncle TNUC

First, please excuse the horrendous album cover. What was with bands during this time suddenly changing their logos and releasing dull album artwork? This dreary look may have worked for Alice in Chains, but not so much here.

To be perfectly honest, Pull was my Winger gateway drug. I was familiar with the band’s bigger hits, but this album really slapped the sense into me that these boys were not fucking around. This wasn’t Warrant or Bang Tango. Just listening to the fusions of styles and technical skill that Winger brought to this record, I quickly realized the magnitude of talent within this band. It also occurred to me that this notion probably went over a number of people’s heads during that latter part of the decade.

The big difference between Pull and the previous two records is the meatier sound and muscly production. It’s still the Winger we all know, but more aggressive and packed with louder, thicker grooves. Again similar to many of these Crude Dude reviews, the band had clearly gravitated to a “bigger” sound and were undoubtedly at the top of their game.

It’s a shame Pull went unnoticed by so many because once again, if record labels and mainstream radio weren’t humping the leg of grunge so hard, the album would’ve reached more listeners and been more successful. Fans would’ve grasped onto the fact that Winger had morphed into a guitar-squealing wrecking machine by album numero 3. I’m serious. Any existing pop comparisons to bands like Poison and Bon Jovi would be silenced and slit at the throat from these 10 songs.

Find a rock record with a juicer, slicker production and I will grant you the keys to TNUC’s freshly waxed 4×4. You won’t! It’s one my most beloved heavy metal albums and it sits comfortably beside my favorite Mötley, Def Lep and WASP albums. But Winger are a band still rarely lumped in with those bands. How come?

Three reasons.

#1 Their early successful hits “Seventeen” and “Headed for a Heartbreak” came at a time in 1988 when the dynamic in heavy metal, hair metal, hard rock (whatever you call it) was changing. More and more bands were dropping their glam/pop sensibilities and adopting a rougher edge thanks to Guns N’ Roses exploding. With these initial two hits, Winger earned early success but rock fans didn’t take them seriously enough to leave a lasting impression. Due to this disconnect, people didn’t realize there was way more to this band beneath the surface. In reality Winger could run CIRCLES around most bands of that era, talent wise. They also had a progressive-rock edge to them which is seldom talked about!

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#2 Kip Winger’s hunky qualities complete with that pearly white smile threw a large number of dudes off. While the ladies ached and swooned at the sight of this great rock vocalist twirling around on stage and humping the air, some of the male audience tuned out. It was a blessing but perhaps a curse as well. I for one never understood this. I can switch from Slayer and Obituary to Winger with ease. Never an issue. (The red hot rocker did actually pose for Playgirl in the May 1991 issue. Again, no issue with Uncle T as he has three copies at home.)

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#3 It’s been well documented that Winger’s career took a serious plunge thanks to that no-talent turd Mike Judge (creator of Beavis & Butt-head). When the show decided to have the wet noodle character “Stewart” always wearing a Winger shirt, the overall message was that Winger were probably uncool. While the Beavis & Butt-head characters wore Metallica and AC/DC merch, the dweeb of the show walked around in a Winger shirt. Shitty move. 

Common denominator of all these reasons? Bad timing.

Turn the clock back four years and a song like ‘Spell I’m Under’ would’ve achieved monster ballad success. Listening now leaves me baffled and a little emotionally scarred that it didn’t dominate radio and knock some moody grunge stuff off the charts in ’93. Blame the media! This song should have spent years rocking hot dates, prom nights, basement make-out parties and Friday nights at “the point”.

This is an album that needs to be listened to in full. Do yourself a favor and pick up Pull at your local record shop or Amazon, which probably won’t run you over $2. If you happen to be in the Los Angeles area this weekend, Winger are playing a show at the world famous Whiskey a Go Go on the Sunset Strip tomorrow night! (11/11/2016) Come find Uncle T trying to split a pizza with Kip Winger down the street at the Rainbow Bar & Grill before the gig.

||| What is this “Crude Dude era” we speak of? Read our official manifesto at this location to understand everything about this crucially important array of bodacious bands + albums! |||

NIGHT BEAST II.

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The other weekend I was visiting my Uncle Frank up the coast near Santa Carla. He’s an old burnout and metalhead from the 80s AND he has a pretty sweet condo on the beach – so I’m up there often to explore the boardwalk, scope out babes and have a few cold ones with the big guy.

There I was, hanging around Saturday afternoon while he was out at a lecture on crystals or some shit, and I decided to snoop around a bit – he was an aging bachelor after all, who knows what kind of saucy delights he had stashed. One Penthouse and two dusty old Quaaludes later, I was feeling pretty righteous. Craving some tunes, I moved on to a bin of old CDs and tapes he had. It was a veritable treasure trove: Ratt, Trixter, Fastway – the sort of greasy Neanderthal rock my uncle always had blaring from his 1985 Pontiac Trans Am.

Near the bottom of the stash was another cassette that upon discovering made the hair on my arms rise. The artwork featured a raging wolf creature – jaws curled in a bloodthirsty scream towards a pale yellow moon. I opened up the case to find a tape with a handwritten label bearing NIGHT BEAST II.

Now I’m an aficionado of all things slime and spooky – but this listening experience was hard to describe. There was fire, forests, fiends and the howling of creatures that I had never seen or heard before. So, I did what I felt would be best for the disciples and copied it for you to investigate. Is there something going on with this tape? It’s that time of year again when the veil between the world of the living and that of the dead is at its thinnest, leaving us with a prime opportunity to explore the realm of NIGHT BEAST II.

1) VINCENT PRICE INTRO
2) SORCERY – I’M BACK
3) SAVATAGE – POWER OF THE NIGHT
4) DENNIS MICHAEL TENNEY – THE BEAST INSIDE
5) METAL CHURCH – START THE FIRE
6) MECO – BAD MOON RISING
7) FASTWAY – AFTER MIDNIGHT
8) ICON – OUT FOR BLOOD
9) SORCERY – RAINBOW EYES
10) OZZY OSBOURNE – WAITING FOR DARKNESS
11) DANCE WITH THE DEAD – WATCHING YOU
12) JAY CHATTAWAY – MAKING THE SILVER BULLET

Download it here!

††† HAPPY HALLOWEEN! †††

[…And don’t forget about part 1 of this saga: 2014’s ‘The Night Beast’! Listen here.]

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