APRIL’S EROTIC THRILLS IN THE NIGHT: THIEF OF HEARTS (1984).
Posted on April 17, 2024 Leave a Comment
They say “April showers bring TNUC powers” and in today’s case that couldn’t be more true, as we present our Erotic Thrills In The Night for the month of April: the slice of erotica known as THIEF OF HEARTS.
In Thief of Hearts, vicarious indulgence through the fulfillment of one’s fantasies is given a new twist.
If you met Ray and Mickey Davis, you’d swear they had a perfect marriage. But if you read Mickey’s diary, you’d know that unrest is lurking just beneath the surface. Enter Scott Muller, a smalltime burglar who robs the Davis home – making off with assorted valuables and Mickey’s diary.
Muller becomes obsessed with Mickey. He plots to seduce her and play out her most secret fantasies. Mickey is an easy target for Muller’s advances and soon the Davis’s perfect marriage and perfect world is turned upside down.
Hot on the hells of playing Tony Montana’s right hand man as the beloved character Manny in 1983’s Scarface, Steven Bauer gets his big leading role as Scott, a curious crook who one day ends up with the diary of a woman from one of the houses he robs. The diary is filled with fantasies and desires from an unsatisfied housewife who Scott becomes obsessed with and begins popping up wherever she is, saying just the right thing to lure her in.
Sounds like a promising story, doesn’t it? Well…this movie stinks with a capital S. I’ve been watching a lot of questionable erotic thrillers as of late — but this one is especially bad because it has all the makings of a solid, big-feel thriller…but fails to deliver. I kept wondering who are we supposed to be rooting for? Scott is a brood with zero charm, the wife is a boring dud, her husband is a clueless dweeb and the character “Buddy” is played by David Caruso, one of the worst gingers in all of Hollywood. Once again, Caruso shows up in a film role trying to do the hardcore “cool guy” act and once again, he’s the worst. There are no likeable characters in this film.
Now for some good news. It’s time to discuss the one redeeming quality with Thief of Hearts: the soundtrack. This soundtrack has absolutely NO BUSINESS BEING THIS GOOD. Take a glimpse at the track-listing of artists and that will tell you everything you need to know. All the heavy hitters show up on this one. Giorgio Moroder, Harold Faltermeyer, E.G. Daily, Melissa Manchester, Joe Esposito and more.
The film was produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson, who had a huge hit the previous year with Flashdance at the box office and also on the charts with its smash theme song by Irene Cara. They once again turned to Giorgio Moroder, hoping to recreate that success after Mr. Moroder also composed the score to Flashdance. Moroder ended up composing the main theme but the score would be written by his longtime collaborator Harold Faltermeyer, one of the biggest synth slayers in pulsating, electronic movie scores (Top Gun, The Running Man, Beverly Hills Cop, Tango & Cash).
I can’t think of another instance when a soundtrack is leaps and bounds superior to the actual movie. All this music does is bring me back to my dark alley nights driving around through streets of LA in my ’84 Buick Grand National after my third divorce. Let’s just say I picked up my fair share of leather mistresses as we drove around all night, listening to the new Thief of Hearts soundtrack on cassette.
Don’t just sit there like a lump. Get off your ass and grab Thief of Hearts on compact disc, vinyl or digital if you like convenience. Soundtracks will never be this good again.
‘Erotic Thrills In The Night’ is a monthly chronicle into the forgotten world of the erotic thriller movie genre. These sultry titles and steamy VHS covers were at their absolute peak during the early 1990’s but as years progress, they fall deeper into the abyss. Inspired by the recent documentary We Kill For Love, this monthly feature will attempt to resurrect these films and keep you on the brink of seduction. We can’t predict what indecent behavior will be committed or how much illicit, unprotected, promiscuous activity will ensue, but prepare for a wild ride with lots of saxophone.
THE BEER BELL.
Posted on April 9, 2024 1 Comment
What your witnessing here today is no dream. It’s absolutely real and it’s definitely happening. A beer glass…a dumbbell…a BEER BELL.
Here we have, sent down from the heavens, a weightlifting/alcohol-consuming device that is simply the key to all greatness. A beer glass firmly sealed to the top of a 1 1/4 lbs dumbbell, crucial for your rigorous, exercise-while boozing workout sessions.
In the event that your brain has a little room left to handle one more explosion, the final whiplash is that it’s a ROAD HOUSE beer bell. I seriously had to pinch myself in the nads’ a couple times when I first discovered this.
Wherever the The Double Deuce is located in heaven, this has to be what Wade Garrett is drinking his twenty-seventh Coors banquet out of at this very moment (garnished with drops of Jimmy’s blood). Not only Wade, but every forty-year old adolescent, felon, power drinker and trustee of modern chemistry. All are fully equipped with Road House beer bells.
With every drunken raise of the beer bell, you get a free small arm workout. Couldn’t ask for anything more. Well, maybe Dr. Elisabeth Clay shaking her 1989 long-butt in that tablecloth skirt would be one additional bonus, but other than that, the beer bell…excuse me, the ROAD HOUSE BEER BELL – is the holy grail of everything and beyond.
But wait. What would this prized possession be without an instructional book on how to “exercise while you drink”? The booklet features helpful tips and techniques such as the two-handed arm curl, the toast, the lover’s chug, the killer chest fly and even a progress chart to keep track of your workouts.
Wacky promotional items like these are what keep me going in this crazy world. Who knows what we’ll discover next!
STRANGER IN THIS TOWN.
Posted on March 27, 2024 2 Comments
1991 is a year that I never intentionally plan on revisiting but for reasons beyond time and space, I’m seduced back to this specific year again and again. Many times I’ll be obsessing over a recent discovery only to find out it came from 1991. That year did give us a lot and just look at the movies released if you want further proof. Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Point Break, Problem Child 2, Stone Cold, TMNT: Secret of the Ooze, Thelma & Louise and Out for Justice were just a few that dropped on planet earth in ’91 to blow our sandy mullets back under the setting sun.
OK, TNUC Confessional Booth time: Bon Jovi never did a hell of a lot for me. I enjoy some of the songs but nothing has ever catapulted me in an awe-inspiring sort of way. I was never compelled to turn anything up and hammer down the highway with a cigarette dangling onto dear life and my black duster jacket flapping in the wind. That didn’t happen until guitarist Richie Sambora released his debut album, Stranger In This Town, on September 3rd, 1991.
Stranger In This Town is a damn miracle. You could cut the atmosphere on this album with a knife. The production is so massive and dynamic sounding that I don’t think rock albums will ever sound this ‘big’ again, unless you’re willing to shell out $100,000 for recording studio costs and you have a time machine. Rock ‘n roll was on an absolute plateau at this time. This record is a reflection of that.
The songs are cinematic in their massiveness, as it feels like the music might be pulled from some thrillingly epic, baking-in-the-desert-sun movie scene. Aside from the ‘One Light Burning’ music video which depicts horses, flames and a lusty but honorable lady, what comes to mind when listening to this song is the ending of True Romance, a slow-motion race from Days of Thunder or the unbelievable last few minutes of Thelma & Louise.
The last movie reference I’ll make here is that the music on Stranger In This Town sounds ripped right from the Road House soundtrack. Or hell, just about any Sam Elliott movie during one of his peak performances, even including the Coors commercials every time he says the word “BEER”.
It’s tough not to picture all the dusty-haired warriors you’ve come to know when listening to this record. With the record being aptly titled Stranger In This Town, Richie definitely nailed that renegade-drifter, guy-who-barely-speaks-but-gets-all-the-women vibe amazingly well. I’m tempted to crack a Michelob Genuine Draft and light up a Winston as I cruise the lonely streets in my Buick Grand National after my 4th divorce.
Sambora’s guitar work is obviously fantastic (and again sounds straight out of a scene from Road House!) but his vocals are super impressive and one of the highlights on the album. His voice is something I don’t think he’s ever received much credit for, being somewhat in the shadow of Jon Bon Jovi.
Do yourself a favor and give Stranger In This Town a deep listen. Don’t overlook this dusty masterpiece!
MARCH’S EROTIC THRILLS IN THE NIGHT: LADY BEWARE (1987).
Posted on March 13, 2024 Leave a Comment
“A stodgy old department store in downtown Pittsburg, PA isn’t ready for the likes of Katya Yarno (Diane Lane). This young, innovative window designer sets tongues wagging and heads turning with her erotic, provocative displays. But unfortunately, her work entices the sinister advances of a secret admirer…an attractive but degenerate lab technician who makes it his obsession to possess Katya. This unbalanced voyeur secretly observes her every move…makes obscene phone calls…peeps through the window when she takes a bath…and even breaks into her apartment to watch Katya and her boyfriend make love. Driven to the edge of sanity, Katya finally decides to fight back. Now it’s an all-out war, as this courageous woman cleverly battles this pervert to an explosive conclusion”.
Now THAT is a synopsis I can get behind. So people, brace yourselves for night stalking, mannequins and erotic storefront window displays because 1987’s LADY BEWARE is our Erotic Thrills In The Night for March!
As mentioned in the narrative, Katya (a sizzling Diane Lane) gets hired by a bigtime department store for her abstract window display talents. Her window displays are WILD and look like a Robert Palmer music video meets a Patrick Nagel painting come to life. Kayta is so passionate about the ‘scenes’ she creates in the windows that she even dreams about them at night. During one dream, we see a handsome mannequin come to life, the two of them dry hump and Katya wakes up sweaty the next morning.
At the department store, crowds of people on the sidewalk begin to gather to see her lavish designs. This also catches the eye of a stalker-pervert X-ray technician named Jack who works across the street.
Jack is a poor man’s Patrick Bateman, which is not necessarily a bad thing but he’s a vile pervert of the highest order. He begins taunting Katya with phone calls. Then breaks into her apartment to watch Katya and her boyfriend make love. Then he peeks through her window as she bathes (by candlelight, sipping champagne). Finally, he breaks into her loft and defiles it with his johnson.
Diane Lane plays the character of Katya with an intensity that proves again why she’s one of the underappreciated gems of the film world. In this role she balances between a confident career woman and a vulnerable girl who doesn’t know any better.
Sleazy Jack also spends a lot of time “blind tippin” those venetian blinds throughout the film, which if you’re a devoted disciple of Uncle TNUC’s, you know is a movement of the 1980’s that continues to fascinate me. Below, check out a sampling of the blind-tippin’ that happens in Lady Beware.
While Jack’s ultimate intention is to physically get Katya, he spends most of the time terrorizing her mind with the phone calls and psychological threats. One has to think real life serial killer Ted Bundy was in mind for the character of Jack. He’s a good looking chap with a wife and young daughter, similar to Bundy. He’s clean-cut, is a snappy dresser and has a normal, successful-earning job.
One element I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t mention is all the mannequins in this movie. Katya’s window dressing expertise leads to working a lot with androgynous mannequins and the movie has droves of them. This subtlety adds to the film’s erotic, creep factor and makes me want to listen to some Drab Majesty or SPIROS.
Speaking of music, I think the filmmakers (Scotti Bros) had high hopes for the soundtrack because I’ve personally come across the LP and CD in a number of record stores over the years. It’s a combination of score elements from Craig Safan (The Legend of Billie Jean, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, The Last Starfighter) and songs by David Hallyday and La Marca. There’s also a song not featured on the actual soundtrack used in the movie when Jack is doing a Patrick Bateman-esque dance wearing one of Katya’s bath towels through her apartment.
If you’re a fan of the erotic thriller genre, seek out Lady Beware and put it at the top of your watch list. It has a different energy and suspense than many of it’s peers in the genre. Unfortunately what most of these films share is a lack of proper release (digitally or DVD/Blu-Ray) so finding Lady Beware might be challenging. This is an ongoing issue that I plan on figuring out by the end of this Erotic Thrills In The Night series.
‘Erotic Thrills In The Night’ is a monthly chronicle into the forgotten world of the erotic thriller movie genre. These sultry titles and steamy VHS covers were at their absolute peak during the early 1990’s but as years progress, they fall deeper into the abyss. Inspired by the recent documentary We Kill For Love, this monthly feature will attempt to resurrect these films and keep you on the brink of seduction. We can’t predict what indecent behavior will be committed or how much illicit, unprotected, promiscuous activity will ensue, but prepare for a wild ride with lots of saxophone.
FOR THE MEMORY OF A LIFETIME.
Posted on March 4, 2024 1 Comment
Pre-planning a vacation for you and the family? Or just needing to escape on a solo mission? Stop for a moment to consider taking a trip far, far away from the ordinary.
As we await winter to turn spring, TNUC cordially invites you to a time-travel-extravaganza-vacation to the planet Mars. We’ve partnered up with Rekall Inc., a corporation that sells exotic and adventurous memory brain implants, to give you a vacation like never before.
Face it, a real holiday vacation is a pain. Lousy weather, lost luggage, crooked taxi drivers. But when you travel with Rekall, every thing is perfect. Think about it, what’s exactly the same about every vacation you take? The answer is YOU. You’re the same. So why not take a vacation from yourself? Rekall can offer you alternate identities while on your trip. Why go to mars as a tourist when you can go as a playboy, famous jock or a secret agent? Sure, this type of traveling won’t surface to the general public until the year 2084, and you may hear rumors about a first traveler who was lobotomized but…TNUC pulled some strings to bring this voyage of a lifetime to you, yes you!
Now before you bon voyage, I’d like to share some musical selections which I feel are healthy choices for your journey to Mars. The first is Electric Light Orchestra’s “Letter from Spain”. Most ELO fans loathe this song and consider it to be one of the weaker moments in the band’s catalogue. We listen to this and hear a perfect swirl of atmospherics that will serve as the pristine background music as the aircraft descends onto the surface of Mars. Gaze out the window of the shuttle and cast your eyes on the rich landscapes of this fiery planet..
Once you’ve settled, I recommend making your way over to the hottest night club in downtown’s Venus-Ville called The Last Resort. Ask for a triple-breasted-prostitute named Mary. Tell her that Uncle T sent you and she will take care of your every need.
But this club had more to offer than just mutant-hookers. Looking back at my expedition to Mars, memories of the many endless nights I spent at The Last Resort are pretty hazy. The only memory I have of this galaxy-hot-spot was the moment the lights would dim at midnight. This would typically be the time that the club would drift into a sea of dance floor violence backed by a steady playlist of Italo-Mars-disco, specifically the following song which echoes in my head to this day.
FEBRUARY’S EROTIC THRILLS IN THE NIGHT: SEA OF LOVE (1989).
Posted on February 14, 2024 2 Comments
“Deception is dangerous. Desire is deadly.” Light up a cigarette and throw on your favorite trench coat with nothing else underneath because it’s time for our Erotic Thrills In The Night for February: 1989’s SEA OF LOVE.
Al Pacino plays New York City detective Frank Keller, a burnt-out cop investigating a serial killer who lures his victims using personal ads and leaves the Phil Phillips song “Sea of Love” playing at the crime scenes. Detective Frank is pulled into a classic vortex of seduction as he falls head over heels for one of his prime suspects after conducting a plan to find the killer by posting his own personal ads.
Al Pacino delivers on all fronts playing a burnt-out detective. I absolutely cherish burnt-out cop movies, and hell, now that I’m thinking about it, we could easily devote a month-long chronicle of the best burnt-out cops to ever grace the screen. The classic case of these brooding men is a cop who has a troubled history and therefore now works too hard, doesn’t sleep, has no life, is always grumpy, drinks too much and lives haunted by his past. Detective Frank Keller is a textbook case. He wanders the streets at night, smokes 497 cigarettes, obsesses over the killer and is permanently tired but still sharp as a nail.
When Frank begins getting involved with prime suspect #1 Helen Cruger, peak horniness ensues as passions burn and desires are felt. Yes, those might be Dokken lyrics but they are also a good indication of the animal attraction that Frank and Helen bring to these scenes.
A supermarket rendezvous is prompted by Frank when he calls Helen on a pay phone, asking her what she’s wearing and requesting that she meet him. This is right when he’s having a stressed-out cop moment by working too hard on the case and being lonely. It couldn’t come at a better time and she gives Frank the sultry distraction that he so needs. Without spoiling the scene for those who haven’t seen the film, below is a sneak peek.
After watching this scene you might not be just thinking of vegetables the next time you’re standing at the produce section of the grocery store. Or perhaps you’ll lock eyes with a lucky someone while picking out yellow peppers and lettuce. Just be sure to have some sensuous saxophone music like this in the background…
Trevor Jones composed the music for Sea of Love and it’s truly one of those perfect scores for a film of this caliber. Have a listen and just try not to get hot and bothered.
The “Main Title Theme” has been a personal favorite of mine for a long time. Listen to how the percussion and saxophone drift over the synth melody like city steam rising from the sewers and dissipating into thin air just a moment later. Then it repeats itself, again and again. I can picture the empty streets at 4 a.m. and dimly lit street lamps. Then suddenly, the sound of high heels walking against the pavement from the distance. A rhythmic, click-clack sound of red stillettos that evokes feelings of elegance, power and potential danger.
Sea of Love is an absolute staple in the erotic thriller genre. TNUC recommends watching it preferably late into the night when the mood is right and you find yourself in a haze of crime, lust and cigarettes. (Or just watch it how you please).
‘Erotic Thrills In The Night’ is a monthly chronicle into the forgotten world of the erotic thriller movie genre. These sultry titles and steamy VHS covers were at their absolute peak during the early 1990’s but as years progress, they fall deeper into the abyss. Inspired by the recent documentary We Kill For Love, this monthly feature will attempt to resurrect these films and keep you on the brink of seduction. We can’t predict what indecent behavior will be committed or how much illicit, unprotected, promiscuous activity will ensue, but prepare for a wild ride with lots of saxophone.
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