RAMBO RETURNS! START PAYING ATTENTION.

It’s 2019 and a brand new RAMBO movie is just a mere few days away from existing. Everyone needs to stop complaining, whining and being offended by every day things in life because we have so much to be thankful for…like for instance the 73 year old unstoppable force known as Sylvester Stallone brutally slaying what hopes to be hundreds of drug cartel savages in Rambo: Last Blood.

It’s been 37 years since the American action classic First Blood rocked our souls. The original film was about a man pushed until he wouldn’t be pushed any further. Not just a man, but a green beret war hero from Vietnam who returns home to the USA to find himself lost and having no one to trust except his 15″ hunting knife. A man who’s been trained to ignore pain, ignore weather, to live off the land, to eat things that would “make a billy goat puke” as stated by Colonel Trautman. It’s a movie that is equally effective and relative in 1981 as it is today.

The sequels that followed were less meaningful, but more explosive and big-budgeted with highlights such as the exploding head guy that Rambo shot with one of his explosive arrow tips at in Rambo: First Blood Part II.

After a long break from the trilogy, John James Rambo returned in 2008 in the film simply titled Rambo, which I believed to be another blockbuster achievement in the film franchise. Sly and his disciples did a fantastic job bringing the character back to life after such a long hiatus of John living in Thailand, making a crappy living being a snake catcher and providing boat rides across the river.

254 was the number of confirmed on-screen kills by 62-year old John Rambo in Rambo IV. LOOK AT THIS SON OF A BITCH.

Now in 2019, in a mission to save his daughter from the Mexican drug cartels, this senior citizen war machine is back in Rambo: Last Blood. Such a perfect title. Go see it this Friday and report back to Uncle T!

Before we part ways, let’s examine some of pop culture’s more strange fascination with this character through the decades. Rambo has been portrayed by actors in TV/movies such as Elvira: Mistress of the Dark, The Simpsons, Hot Shots! Part Deux, “Weird Al” Yankovic’s UHF and many other notable appearances.

Let’s dig into some of the less remembered, more bizarre tributes…

DISCO RAMBO! This song is actually pretty great. Apparently the character made a big impact on the European disco scene in the mid-1980’s, because this it’s actually 1 of 2 different tracks that tribute the man…

ANOTHER DISCO RAMBO! A few years ago TNUC published a monthly saga called “Deadbeat Of The Month”. One of our chosen deadbeats was “Fake Rambo”, a Rambo impersonator named Wayne Scott who released an Italian disco record in 1985. More on that here https://uncletnuc.com/2014/07/08/julys-deadbeat-of-the-month-fake-rambo/

BLACKIE LAWLESS OF W.A.S.P.! Even the iconic lead singer was portrayed on a very hot slice of tour merchandise which goes for a pretty penny on eBay these days. This makes sense because Blackie was into EVERYTHING COOL back in the day like Rambo, the Ghoulies movies and The Dungeonmaster!

CRAPPY BOOTLEGS! In the United States, Rambo: The Force of Freedom was a popular kids television show based on the films and naturally like all animated shows, a toy line was created. In several other countries, bootlegs were created which made for some amazing disasters as pictured here. Sculpting Stallone’s facial features had to always be challenging even for the most skilled of artists, but these knock offs are another level. He constantly looks like someone just hit him in the head with a shovel.

HALLOWEEN MASKS! Last year Uncle T picked up one of these terrifyingly detailed and realistic Rambo masks which hail from 1988. We took to the woods with the mask to capture Rambo in his most comfortable territory. Watch the video.

In all seriousness, I hope Rambo: Last Blood gives the action movie genre a much needed kick in the ass. The horror and sci-fi genres will always have a huge supporting community, but these explosive blockbusters don’t get enough respect. Although we need some new blood to step up as well, Stallone at 73 years old still doing what he loves is just fucking cool. The action hero really doesn’t exist anymore, and please I’m not talking about comic book people with capes. I miss the oiled up, long-haired, 1-man army war machines that didn’t say much, loved America, always looked pissed, hung out of helicopters with one hand, fired off rocket launchers with ease, ran around to pulse-pumping soundtracks, ate sandwiches, wore lots of denim and made women melt.

Unfortunately like all the greats, Stallone won’t be around forever. Now go show some respect and see Rambo: Last Blood!

PATRICK SWAYZE OWNED A DELOREAN.

Uncle T’s deepest apologies for the lack of content this summer. What can I say…it’s been a busy few months but the good news is that I’ll be back in full form very soon.

To ease our souls during these times of suffering, let me remind everyone that Patrick Swayze bought a Delorean on October 19, 1982 after a little success starring as the leader of a street gang in the TV show The Renegades. Let that sink in while looking over these photos.

With TNUC’s lack of time for writing, there’s nothing like a dose of Swayze to hold us over.

BONUS: Johnny Castle singing his seminal hit “She’s Like The Wind” off the Dirty Dancing soundtrack from somewhere in Norway. I’ve always cherished these TV performances and could care less about it being lip-synched.

Leather jacket. Baddest mullet. Bolo tie. Black jeans. Bulge. He’s the best there ever was.

Rest In Power, brother. Miss you everyday.

BILLY’S HOT CAMARO TAPE.

Billy goddamn Hargrove. When this character first appeared in Season 2 of Stranger Things back in 2017, the parallels between him and our mascot the TNUC “Manimal” hit me like a ton of bricks. The greasy mullet, denim on denim, single dangly earring, slaying of cougars, ripping of cigarettes, nasty attitude, iconic muscle cars, being pissed off, loving RATT, having a bulge. BILLY = TNUC.

From the first time he graces the screen it’s a nonstop roller coaster of TNUC Detention Hall 101. It was almost too good to be true.

As episodes progressed, the similarities kept coming and not a day went by that I didn’t hear from one of you TNUC maniac disciples comparing these two brothers from other mothers. Of course we noticed it, but the outpour of comments from total strangers was a bit overwhelming. Even my friend Big Mike aka Mike Ballermann had strong feelings that series creators The Duffer Brothers were directly inspired by the Land of TNUC.

Now that we’ve watched Season 3 and witnessed the arc of this character, all this son of a bitch needed BADLY was his own power hour mixtape for cruising in the blue ’79 Camaro. Amidst all the Stranger Things mania happening in the world right now, a crucial tribute to Billy Hargrove is absolutely paramount. Billy rules. Crank it up!

“Billy’s Hot Camaro Tape” is also a nod to some of those older brothers we knew growing up. The intimidating ones who were into ice hockey and Iron Maiden while us impressionable kids were still into kiddie stuff. They could be total dicks at times but were scary and cool as well (Billy). I’ll never forget meeting my friend’s older, long-haired brother “Rocky” for the first time. We wandered into his cigarette-hazed bedroom and looked around at skulls, blacklight posters, a shitty weight bench and band logos written in black marker all over the walls while this band called Pantera blasted from the stereo. I was never the same.

Hot tip: Don’t listen to this mixtape “passively” i.e. through a cell phone or while doing stuff on your computers. This thing was engineered for hot nights, long drives, backyard BBQs, house parties, panty raids, sweaty air drumming or bedroom rage-outs with the door closed and mom downstairs ironing. *REALLY LISTEN*

Download link. 

LET’S SCARE UNCLE T TO DEATH.

In the summer of 1971, the whack-job horror movie titled Let’s Scare Jessica To Death was released.

Forty-eight years later, a whack-job manimal named Uncle T paid a visit to Old Saybrook, Connecticut to visit the terrifying house seen in the movie!

But first, a little plot explanation for people who maybe aren’t familiar with the film:

Jessica has been released from a mental institution and her husband Duncan thinks it’s a good idea to take her to the quiet and peaceful country. Duncan, Jessica and their friend Woody head upstate with plans to shack up in a farmhouse that one of them recently purchased. Jessica begins hearing voices and seeing a mysterious girl around the property. This leads to a series of oddball events throughout the movie which involves Jessica either suffering from a mental state of daytime hallucinations or the reality that the group have landed in a small town of actual vampires.

The bizarre nature of this movie is thanks to the spooky atmosphere and slow-burn dreaminess. There’s something about daytime horror films and the off-beat mood that keeps you immersed in a different sense than nighttime horror. It’s always struck a nerve with me. Rarely do filmmakers pull it off effectively, but prime examples can also be found in Jaws, Cujo, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Creepshow 2’s “The Raft”. Jessica is played by Zorah Lampert and her performance is also a huge reason why the film is so strangely intriguing. Her dialogue, facial expressions and frolicking around will have you asking if this “actress” could possibly be a real escape mental patient. It’s also one of those movies with weird 1970’s realistic-looking small town folk that you’d never want to run into if your car broke down.

OK, back to TNUC’s excursion…

From reports from the internet, I knew the old farmhouse was off a turnpike but shrouded with trees and overgrown vegetation. The only thing else to do was keep that foggy shot from the movie in mind.

THERE IT WAS. IT HAD TO BE THE PLACE. I crept up the driveway, neglecting the “No Trespassing” and “Private Property” signage because that’s the sort of curious asshole your Uncle T is.

There she was, all decrepit and rotted and glorious as could be.

The exterior has this yellowish-grey crust that most horror movies dream of recreating. The windows are mostly boarded up, shielding any creatures or hippie cannibal cult members that are attempting to make this place a home. Can you imagine what the BASEMENT looks like?

I’m such a sucker for eerie locations like this. Abandoned structures dying a slow death, only effected by the elements. What’s the history of the house? When was it built? Why hasn’t it been bulldozed? All I can tell you is that forty-eight years following the release of Let’s Scare Jessica to Death, the house is exactly what a horror movie house should look like.

Clearest shot of the house in 1971. 

2019!

Apparently a couple of the cemeteries seen in the movie are in the neighboring towns as well, but I’ll save those for next time.

Big thanks to JW Ocker over at OTIS for the much needed location info and scaring Uncle T to death!

WHO’S HUNGRY?

If there’s one thing Uncle T loves about heavy metal besides the music, it’s all the lyrical cliches and repeated war-cries. Take for example popular lines in songs such as “in heat of the night”, “fires burning”, “desires”, “lonely nights”, and my absolute personal favorite, “HUNGRY”.

The word hunger/hungry is used so often in the music that I love and you wanna know what? It’s always executed so strongly that I never grow tired of it. Why these guys were so starving all the time is beyond me, but I’m sure it has something to do with being aggressive and wishing so bad for their dreams and desires to be fulfilled during such a fun era to be alive. Plus they were young, horny and doing a ton of cocaine.

The following examples are my favorite HUNGRY songs of all time. Hope you brought an appetite!

I could really go for a meatball sub right about now! Or a ball bearing sandwich w/ lettuce + extra mustard.

ONE SUMMER CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING.

Although the first day of summer doesn’t hit for another couple weeks, it sure felt like the season had officially began the moment this New Coke and Stranger Things 1985 Limited Edition Collectors Pack landed on my doorstep on a sunny late afternoon this week.

As I stood on my porch just about to open the box, the sky became stormy with clouds rolling in, looking very apocalyptic. Then I started to smell raindrops hitting the warm asphalt in the street. Nothing beats that feeling in the air just before a storm breaks.

Now this next part might sound fabricated but I swear to you it’s 100% true. As I cracked open the packaging tape around the box and opened it up, a spider crawled out. Mind you this box was sealed up very tight so I’m pretty sure this spider traveled all this way directly to the TNUC lair…as if he or she was sent for a purpose. If that isn’t some sort of sign from the secret laboratories in Hawkins, Indiana, I don’t know what is.

When Coca-Cola announced in May that the company was bringing back “New Coke” in a partnership with Stranger Things Season 3, my excitement went through the roof because not only do I love the TV series but I cherish a good promotional tie-in and this one makes so much sense. Plus I missed the original launch of New Coke back in 1985 during its three-month lifespan, which means I missed out on tasting the product and witnessing its quick demise.

In case you disciples aren’t up on your soft drink history, in the mid-eighties Coca-Cola sales were rapidly declining due to diet drinks and non-cola beverages being all the rage. Pepsi was on the rise with a majority of people preferring its sweeter taste. So in an effort to mix things up, Coca-Cola experts and researchers developed a new recipe that they predicted would revolutionize the soft drink world. “New Coke” was introduced to the public and became almost an instant failure. People didn’t respond well and the company reintroduced the original recipe within three months.

…Well, that sad story suddenly took a wild turn because 12 oz cans of New Coke are BACK (yes, the original batch) for a limited time available at CokeStore.com/1985. Purchase yours today or regret it for the rest of your life.

GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY. While listening to the latest Purple Stuff Podcast, Uncle T came to find out that “upside-down” Stranger Things-inspired vending machines started popping up in select cities and dispensing free cans! If you can find one of these in a 100 mile radius of your location, GET THERE. Otherwise pick up New Coke at CokeStore.com/1985! 

So…how does it taste? TNUC will conduct a full-frontal taste test this week! Stay tuned to the Instagram

%d bloggers like this: