TERROR TRAIN DEPOT.

All you need to do is go for a walk or take a drive during this time of year and I guarantee you will encounter spooky things. This was proven last weekend when Uncle T and Auntie T found an abandoned train depot in the woods of New Hampshire.

If I’m being completely honest, TNUC does develop canine-like senses this time of year to find such oddities. He’s like a sniffing, snarling, cunning, laser-sharp, four-legged-freak that picks up on strange things that lurk in the mist. So it was to no surprise that while rummaging through the woods one afternoon he spotted an abandoned structure that looked one part the house from Evil Dead and another…an old business?

There it sat, densely surrounded by trees and a rotting foundation causing it to dramatically slant to the left. The exterior siding had that perfect, grainy decay that set designers working on horror movies strive to replicate.

The interior had traces of all the usual suspects of an abandoned place in the woods. Beer cans, spray painted doodles on the walls, decomposing furniture and teenage attempts at Satanic markings.

After researching the location, I came to find out that this ghastly house was at one time a small Victorian train station that served a 19th-century resort hotel called “The Maplewood” which began business in 1876. The depot was abandoned during the early 20s due to the rise of the automobile and its counterpart hotel would eventually burn down decades later in January 1963.

Obviously such features as the staircases, columns and architectural details are long gone. All that is left is a spooky, silent beast that creaks in the cold winds.

P.S. We also happened to drive down a street called COFFIN LANE.

Get out there disciples…there’s spooky exploring to do. † † †

DAY OF THE BEAST.

The other night while chopping wood and raking leaves outside, I was suddenly overtaken with such a blast of Autumn power that it made the little hairs on my arm stand up. Before I went inside to my wood stove to calm down all the excitement, I chucked my axe into the nearest tree, feeling like George Lutz in The Amityville Horror“Don’t ever sneak up on a man with an axe”

That chilly evening I sat by the fire and ate soup while consulting with my farmer’s almanac. When I read that TWO full moons will be appearing in the month of October, I sent my pumpkin-shaped noodle soup flying out of my mouth and onto the carpet.

On October 1st the first harvest moon will appear to reign in the most triumphant month of the year…

† Then on October 31st (H A L L O W E E N) we’ll be spoiled with a very rare sighting of a second harvest moon referred to as the “hunters moon”. As legend tells us, this name represents the time when farmers realized the harvest was over and they needed to pack up and go hunt food for the family. It is also said that if you live in a place or area that is haunted, or if you work in a place where someone has passed, that if a ghost wants to materialize, this night will be when it will happen!

Now then, a perfect song in terms of lyrics and feeling to ignite the time of year when Uncle T feels the most alive.

I’m sitting up in my treehouse tonight, listening to this criminally underrated Blue Öyster Cult song while looking out at the moon casting a shadow over a rotting cornfield in the distance. I could sit here for hours reminiscing about Octobers of yesterday.

The neighborhood I grew up in was incredible for trick ‘r treating. Even now when I visit my old house and walk the streets at night, the nostalgia overload is unbelievable. Like walking in a dream, it’s difficult to explain unless I’m right there in the moment. It not only takes me back but makes me feel more appreciative than ever of the tiniest of details which I don’t take for granted these days.

Can you smell the apple cider donuts from looking at this photo? I can. 

Just because trick ‘r treating might be canceled for the youngsters this year doesn’t mean Halloween can’t be celebrated just as powerfully as ever. Give me a break. It’s October 1st and there’s a full moon tonight. So I’m declaring this day as the DAY OF THE BEAST because I plan on drowning myself in Hershey’s Vampire Kisses and watching werewolf movies all day with the windows open while waiting for the moon to rise tonight…

Also because this artwork is a direct representation of my Manimal transformation which will occur on the night of the second harvest moon in October. A huge thank you to Traci Lords (@tracilordss) completely killed it with this year’s illustration.

You disciples should be pleased with what Uncle T has in store for the 2020 season. It’s been a garbage year but I hope the Land of TNUC helps with the escape that you so desire.

BIKINI & LINGERIE CONTEST MIX.

Before we bid farewell to summer 2020, and because this year is for the pits, we owe it to ourselves to throw one last big bikini inspection party on the beach. And by “on the beach”, of course I really mean a carpeted, deadbeat topless bar that smells like hair spray, peanuts and stale beer.

So take Uncle T’s hand and we’ll transport back a few decades for a little 1-900-FANTASY…

It’s Friday night.

You and the crew are strutting down Manhattan Beach Boulevard, looking for hot moves and dangerous curves. Something suddenly catches your eye. It’s purple fog pouring out of a night club with a banner above the door that reads “Marble’s FoxHunt Bikini and Lingerie Championship”. The doorman with the ponytail is too busy schmoozing with some Samantha Fox lookalike to notice anything, so you slide inside…

Mud wrestling. Cole slaw wrestling. Wet t-shirt contests. White-hot lingerie. Glistening longbutts. Girls swinging on Tarzan ropes from the rafters. Fishnet gloves. Leather lovers. Cropped Dokken belly shirts. Mustached strangers of the night. A donkey. Squealing guitars. Pulsating rhythms. COCAINE. 

As your red hot evening comes to a close, you demand the guy at the DJ booth provide you with a copy of the audio recording of the evening. The music was too good to let go. The very horny DJ named Uncle TNUC hands you the crusty cassette…

A last hurrah to summer. 

PIZZA HUT’S CRUEL SUMMER.

As dark of a year as 2020 has been, a beacon of light emerged in the shape of a red roof.

Photo courtesy of Rolando Pujol

Yes…after years of Uncle TNUC and his loyal disciples campaigning #MakePizzaHutGreatAgain, the popular pizza chain finally started coming to their senses and showing some serious signs of getting back “the old charm”.

First it was small indicators like the old logos returning in TV commercials, then in just a matter of time, the original pizza boxes were back in their full glory. A simple marketing strategy to capitalize on nostalgia? Yes, and by all means that was a good thing. It works and goddammit…it’s just the right thing to do.

Then the company really took everyone for a loop when “classic” Pizza Hut restaurants were seen freshly restored in both Pennsylvania and Ohio. These locations were completely transformed back to the pizza parlors of our youth. Red roofs, checkered tablecloths, Tiffany-style lamps, the salad bar, carpeting, gold awnings, wood paneling and all the comforting vibes we missed from Pizza Hut. Could this truly be the end of the sad “mini” Pizza Huts crammed into junky strip malls?

A marketing ploy was one thing, but bringing back the classic restaurants was NEXT LEVEL. Adults could now bask in the memories while kids could discover what it meant to sit down at a pizza parlor with friends or family for some Friday night fun. Would tabletop video games return next? How about “Pizza Pete”, the forgotten mascot? Hope was definitely restored and the future was bright.

Fast forward to a summer weekend in August when Uncle T stopped by his neighborhood Pizza Hut for a little lunch. Due to all the recent excitement and me being enthusiastic for the future of the Hut, I wore my best Pizza Hut BIGFOOT wardrobe to maybe strike up a conversation with management about how their BIGFOOT pizza campaign should be the next item on the list to make a return.

What I saw before my eyes was devastating, soul-sucking and downright despicable.

This beloved location was not only vacant and clearly shut down, but it had been stripped of all its glory. Gone was the red pitched roof. The exterior had been painted over with new colors as to hide any traces that this was indeed a living, breathing Pizza Hut at one time. The soulless sacks of excrement didn’t even have the courtesy of giving Uncle T a phone call at his 1-900 hotline to prepare him for this death.

I quickly did some internet research and discovered that 300 locations were in the process of closing down. Still though, why shut down the family restaurants and not the junky, strip mall, poor-excuse-for-a-Pizza-Hut’s instead? Obviously I was a wreck, so I sat in my 1990 Firebird in the parking lot for the next two hours playing Dokken’s “Alone Again” over and over and over again while burning through a pack of cigs.

Just before I decided to leave and drown my sorrows at the nearest Hooters bar, I walked around the corner and noticed another man paying tribute to the fallen Pizza Hut.

There he was. Everyone’s favorite, friendly bigfoot, HARRY, eating a moldy pizza he found in a dumpster with a big, shit-eating grin on his face. Something about that smiling bigfoot just can’t help but bring a gleam to my eye. It was the glimmer of hope I needed during these dark times.

I decided right at that moment that the FIGHT is far from over. #MakePizzaHutGreatAgain is an ongoing battle but thankfully TNUC is fortunate enough to have so many supporters who share this passion. So please, continue to post your memories of classic Pizza Hut, whether that be in photos, merchandise items, eBay discoveries, artwork, stories or anything you can conjure up. We need our restaurant back.

Harry is actually taking it pretty hard.

PRIYA PANDA – FREAKY GIRL [VIDEO PREMIERE].

If you’re a regular bum around the Land of TNUC, surely you’ve felt the “Vanity Insanity” that happens quite often here. We cherish everything about Vanity. Her music, her films, her aura, her mystique. Vanity left this earth in 2016, but in her wake, she’s inspired more young people that some may realize in terms of style and allure.

So if you aren’t familiar with singer/songwriter Priya Panda, start paying attention, ya dingus! Not only has Priya been channeling Vanity since day 1 but she’s also a tremendous vocalist for the hard rock band Diemonds. While these accolades are obviously impressive, they are not what we’re here to talk about today.

Miss Panda will be releasing her debut solo album very soon and TNUC now has the privilege of premiering an exclusive new song and music video! Check it out below.

I was pretty intrigued when Priya announced a solo project was coming because as much as I dig her band Diemonds, she seemed like the sort of artist that could venture into really interesting and vastly different territory outside of rock ‘n roll. Like a true chameleon, Priya brings very diverse styles on all three songs released thus far from the upcoming EP, aptly titled Snacks. Each track represents a piece of her musical smorgasbord, whether that be rock, new wave, freestyle or something obscure.

With ‘Freaky Girl’, i’m getting some dreamy 90’s feelings that conjure up Shirley Manson, Hole and 1992’s drama/erotic thriller, Poison Ivy. There’s a lot going on musically in the song which I was able to decipher with my Pizza Hut headphones…so dig right in and enjoy.

Photo by Natalie Chahal (@MissWorldInc) in Burbank, CA

In touring with the band Diemonds over the last decade, Priya crossed paths with many people who became friends and now collaborators. The soon to be released album will be a reflection of that. Be sure to check out the previously released singles, “Shook U Off” and “Take Me Back”, two summer heartbreakers that you’ll be humming for days on end.

Purchase the single on AmazoniTunes / Google

SUN POWER.

Even during a sweltering summer in the excruciating heat, at Camp TNUC we never take the sun for granted.

First and foremost, it brings out all the long butts in town. The sun is a sizzling magnet for long-butts of all lengths, girths and colors of the wind. At any given afternoon on the shores of Lake TNUC, diverse long-butts can be inspected as far as the eye can see. It’s been happening since our ancestors roamed this great land.

*BREAKING NEWS* The forgotten midwest band Shooting Star will be making a special appearance tomorrow night at the TNUC WEENIE ROAST by Cabin #9 for a special concert! They are scheduled to perform their long-lost summer camp hit, ‘Summer Sun’!

If you can’t make it, Camp TNUC sends our deepest sympathies, but we’ve provided the following video link for you to enjoy with a frosty drink in hand. Crank it up and listen to those keys! 

 

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