Tired of all the summer camp content around here lately? Well, here comes another…so strap in or hit the road!
Fact of the matter is, we’re smack dab in the middle of summer and Camp TNUC is currently undergoing the most wild ‘n willing season in years. Besides recent highlights like our new hot nurse with the huge cleavage, or when someone set fire to lunch lady Bertha’s hairnet and then raised it on the flagpole, what’s also played a huge part in making this summer so memorable is the CRUCIAL TUNES. The right music blasting out of the right vehicle can make or break your summer at camp. Everyone knows there’s nothing better than cranking a red-hot playlist of songs and hanging by the lake with friends.
Today we’re presenting the songs from Side A of the cassette tape that was heard playing from Counselor Bobby’s ’82 Trans Am this afternoon. Enjoy!
Kenny Loggins – No Looking Back
We’ve been cruising around to the Michael McDonald version of this song for years, but Kenny sprinkles some magic on this 1985 burner that you can’t help dancing around to and jumping on your bed. Just don’t spill the Pepsi!
∇ Δ ∇
Eddie Van Halen – Donut City
OK, time to get serrrrrrrriousss. This unreleased instrumental from guitar-molester Eddie Van Halen hails from the soundtrack to The Wild Life (1984), but more importantly makes for quite a statement when pulling up lakeside at Camp TNUC in your dream car…with your dream girl…ready to engage in an afternoon of sexy watersport hijnks. Get Set To Get Wet!
∇ Δ ∇
Extended Double Dare Theme
Now it might be easy to laugh and shrug this one off, but please follow our instructions and give this a proper CRANK to fully absorb it. This brilliantly extended 7 minute version of the Nickelodeon classic TV show theme is now the perfect length for the main event at Camp TNUC’s 9th annual Wetbike competition! Who said a bunch of boobs can’t win a race?
∇ Δ ∇
Chris Farren – Whole World is Celebratin’
Usually during the first week of camp Uncle T strolls in fashionably late at approximately 9pm on Friday night with a trunkful of warm beer, cigarette cartons, ‘ludes, Blockbuster VHS rentals, cans of TMNT pasta, Hormel Frank ‘N Stuff Hot Dogs, spiked red punch, Shark Bites fruit snacks, Dokken tapes, White Lion t-shirts, rubber puppets, latex monster masks, Nerf guns and a slew of neon Body Glove wetsuits. Then…he hijacks the camp loudspeaker system and plays Chris Farren’s party anthem ‘Whole World is Celebratin’ to wake everyone up and raid his merchandise!
∇ Δ ∇
Tony Carey – The First Day of Summer
There isn’t much to say about this one, and the song isn’t even very good, but our campers demand repeated viewings of the music video on a daily basis during the summer. Just watch.
∇ Δ ∇
Rick Wakeman – The Burning (1981) “The Wakeman Variations”
Changing gears for a moment, this 17 minute piece contains all the music Rick Wakeman (from the band Yes) composed for the iconic summer slasher film, The Burning.
Allow this music to be the reality check that all the partying and fun at Camp TNUC comes at a price. Those deformed weirdos in the woods have been watching, waiting and planning your demise. Especially you promiscuous wanderers wearing denim short-shorts. There is very fine print in the disclaimer at the bottom of our camp brochure that specifically states “Not all campers go home alive, so bring a
sleeping body bag!”
∇ Δ ∇
Gianni Rossi – C Beams
The closest attempt to capturing life on our campgrounds without actually being there is perfectly portrayed in this song + video. Even in the off season, whenever I hear it I’m suddenly driving down a dirt road with friends to the lake for some terror. That crunchy guitar-fuzz and bass-whomp get me every time. THE OFFICIAL CAMP TNUC THEME!
∇ Δ ∇
Just the other day an opportunity far too good to pass up presented itself on my desk.
AN ABANDONED GIRL SCOUT CAMP IS BEING AUCTIONED OFF!
That’s right, your summer camp dreams (or nightmares) might be coming to life in 2018 as long as Uncle TNUC can scrounge together enough money to purchase this beautiful and terrifying property. (I’ll need more investors so please speak up in the comments section if you can help make this a reality!)
Nestled in the middle of nowhere sits this 282-acre former Girl Scouts camp in Loudonville, Ohio which includes several cabins, pavilions and a pool as reported by Dailymail.co.uk.
It was an active Girl Scouts camp until 2002, and housed up to 140 campers in its heyday. Its current owner has used the property has a hunting and nature lodge.
Now imagine the possibilities…
All heavy business happens at Camp Counselor Uncle T’s private lodge! Hot-wet-long-butt contests every Friday night at 9pm SHARP. During opening ceremony we’re hosting a very special Don Dokken intimate acoustic set around the campfire at midnight. Be there or we’ll unleash Manimal from his cage to hunt you down in the woods!
This dirty shed is the perfect living quarters for our deformed Camp TNUC janitor, “Sludge”.
We don’t call it a mess hall for nothing. In fact we take the term very seriously. Once that dinner bell rings, report to the mess hall which quickly turns into a full-fledged food fight, even sloppier than the restaurant scene from Problem Child 2. This place literally becomes a battlefield of flying pizza, hot dogs, sloppy joes, spaghetti, mustard, cream pies, generic red punch and miscellaneous gross-out monstrosities.
Campers are also encouraged to partake in our nightly Goosebumps book swap, nudie magazine trading, VHS discussions and the midnight roasting of pervert cook Artie who was caught fondling a box of tomatoes in the kitchen pantry with his pants down.
The many ponds around Camp TNUC contain no shortage of wildlife, canoes, homemade rafts, foam noodles, severed heads, hacked off limbs and other unrecognizable body parts floating up from the murky depths.
Bring your Zinka sunblock because the heat is on at our campground pool. While that photo might not be too convincing, just wait until mid-July hits and this place turns into a shade-tipping, eyebrow-raising, scantily-clad daydream come to life!
♦ ♦ ♦
If Uncle T manages to capitalize on this abandoned camp next year, what sort of accommodations and activities would YOU like to see? Voice your ideas in the comments section.
Greetings cosmic travelers and horny wanderers of the night. You’ve come to the right place.
Hopefully you remember back to Part 1 of this special feature, a unique offering that saw Uncle T crawling out of his usual 1980’s shtick and into a plum-colored, velvet-interiored 1977 van filled with nothing but crucial tunes for that frisky spot up on the hill most commonly referred to as ‘THE POINT’.
Every town has a ‘Point’ but yours might be called ‘Make-Out Point’ or simply ‘The Spot’. Essentially these places are destinations for you and a curious lover to park your ride with the intention of getting hot n’ bothered in the back seat. The ideal setting that’s portrayed in countless movies overlooks a city’s skyline, valley, football field, cliff, ocean or any decent-enough view in hopes of “wowing” your lady friend (or manimal). Also typical during movie scenes is the girl in this situation smirking and whispering a “where are you taking me?” when she so obviously knows exactly where they’re headed.
In two years time since the Part 1 of this feature, TNUC rifled through stacks of dusty LPs and gathered the next batch of songs for a sequel. We sincerely hope these glory stompers inspire you take action, for example like finding the prom queen from your high school who was so desperately unsatisfied and bored to death by going to senior prom with Brad. You remember that preppy, Coldplay-loving, plaid-wearing cheesedick who bullied her into going with him. Time to bring the sad prom queen to ‘The Point’ and show her you were the magic man!
So fire up the wagon, get those joints rolled, grab a bottle of 151, steal that unopened bottle of Quaaludes from your Uncle Ned’s medicine cabinet and get ready to boogie! You’ve got a long night ahead of you…
7) Sniff n’ the Tears – Driver’s Seat
You can practically hear the meaty exhaust humming as guitarist Mick Dyche’s sweet licks penetrate your earlobes on ‘Driver’s Seat’. This is the most upbeat song of today’s list and that’s on purpose because this is for cranking up while you and the little miss are driving to your chosen ‘Point’. You eager beavers make a quick pit stop at Stop ‘n Go for some fuel, which means a couple Renaldo’s Burritos from the frozen food section. Then a moment of clarity hits you. This needs to be a night she never forgets and you cancel your burrito decision based on the potential after-effects and you buy a 12 pack of Löwenbräu and some goat pills instead. Turn up the night!
Moment of Climax: Those smokey riffs.
Preferred ride of choice: 1976 Dodge Tradesman Van with the little teardrop window in the back.
Buy the album: Sniff ‘n’ the Tears – Fickle Heart (1978)
∴ ∴ ∴
6) KISS – Magic Touch
We’ve arrived at the moment in the night when your shy, reserved, slightly timid date transforms into a bonafide dream woman/sex panther right before your eyes! “Jenny” whips off her v-neck college sweater to reveal a shredded denim vest with a big BÖC emblem airbrushed on the back. Then she opens up her backpack filled to the brim with 8-track tapes…KISS, Blue Öyster Cult, Hawkwind, Deep Purple, T-Rex, Electric Prunes and even some Charles Manson demos. Finally she cracks open a couple tall cans and sparks up the thick, burlacious ganja-bud, getting totally horned out! DREAM WOMAN.
Moment of Climax: The moment you realize this is a KISS song and it’s really fucking sexy and groovy.
Preferred ride of choice: 1971 Jeep Wagoneer (with wood-grain side panels)
Buy the album: KISS – Dynasty (1979)
∴ ∴ ∴
5) The Doobie Brothers – Flying Cloud
This 2-minute celestial slice of wonder echoes through the night air as the sky opens up and bursts of multicolored light form prisms as both of you gaze up in awe. Couldn’t be that brown acid you took during school detention right?! I mean…it’s been hours! Suddenly a mystical woman knocks on the passenger door and demands she join the party. You can’t be rude and say no, and surprisingly your lady tiger is more than welcoming. Time for a devil’s dandruff magic carpet ride!
Moment of climax: The entire two minutes. Welcome to the pleasure dome.
Preferred ride of choice: 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88
Buy the album: The Doobie Brothers – What Were Once Vices Are Now Habits (1974)
∴ ∴ ∴
4) Cliff Richard – Devil Woman
Special music video selection! Please just watch this performance and enjoy everything it has to offer. Cliff Richard casts a spell on this TV studio audience which is something I really miss watching these days. Imagine for a moment, all these people so captivated. No cell phones, no distractions, no bullshit. Just them and the music, even if this “live” performance is probably lip-synced.
Moment of climax: “I drank the potion she offered me
I found myself on the floor
Then I looked in those big green eyes
And I wondered what I came there for”
Preferred ride of choice: 1969 Mercury Marauder
Buy the album: Cliff Richard – I’m Nearly Famous (1976)
∴ ∴ ∴
3) Cheap Trick – Heaven Tonight
If you were a teenager or young person in 1978, there’s a good chance Cheap Trick swooned and enchanted your girlfriend lonnnng before you entered the picture. Singer Robin Zander and guitarist Rick Nielsen were two of the most popular lads to grace the posters on bedroom walls throughout the 1970s. Girls went crazy for that man’s voice. OK…time to turn the nobs up and raise the levels of your father’s car stereo that he literally spent your entire college tuition money on. Your evening at ‘The Point’ just took on entirely new meaning.
Moment of Climax: The haunting middle part which combines cello, harpsicord and Nielsen’s mandocello.
Preferred ride of choice: 1976 Chevy Chevette
Buy the album: Cheap Trick – Heaven Tonight (1978)
∴ ∴ ∴
2) Blue Öyster Cult – Lips in the Hills
There’s no way in hell BÖC weren’t making the list. Returning for the second time following Part 1, Buck Dharma, Eric Bloom and gang bring the weirdness with a song from their underrated album Cultösaurus Erectus entitled ‘Lips in the Hills’. This band will always and forever remind me of all the bad ass uncles, dads, grandpas, helpful neighbors and local gurus TOO COOL and WAY BURNT OUT on Led Zeppelin and overplayed radio bands. This character is many times the family member that your relatives seldom get together with, not because he’s a bad person, but he’s just a little raw and too seasoned with life. Maybe it was serving in ‘Nam or it could’ve been just hanging around the bowling alley with sleazebags for too long. The youngsters in the family love him to death but even they are a little uneasy at times, especially when he babysits and brings that weird lady around who sells tires. He’s the one always in the garage welding nonstop, owns a shitkicker old van and absolutely refuses to update his wood-paneled, cigarette stained basement. He’s on a steady diet of cold black coffee, Newport menthols and construction lunch-truck sandwiches. This man RULES and worships at the altar of BÖC.
Moment of climax: The powerhouse guitar work of Buck Dharma that shoots laser beams into your skull.
Preferred ride of choice: The Blue Torpedo! (1973 Volkswagen Type 3 Squareback)
Buy the album: Blue Öyster Cult – Cultösaurus Erectus (1980)
∴ ∴ ∴
1) Nazareth – Please Don’t Judas Me
Here’s the song that puts you over the edge and “seals your fate forever”. Why? Because it contains the build up and climax you’ve been longing for all evening at ‘The Point’. Sure it’s been fun but the two of you are searching for that peak moment. THIS IS IT. Plus, Nazareth are that band you found out about at a young age from winning one of those framed carnival mirrors at the fair that said NAZARETH in big purple writing with a dragon drawn with it. Enough said…just listen.
Moment of climax: The descending psychedelic tour de force that starts around the 6-minute mark.
Preferred ride of choice: 1978 Buick Regal
Buy the album: Nazareth – Hair of the Dog (1975)
∴ ∴ ∴
Thanks for reading, listening and hanging out!
Hungry for more? Check out Songs from ‘The Point’ [Part 1]!
No, that’s not a pool filled with Hi-C Ecto Cooler. It’s a putrid mix of unknown atrocities that our disgruntled janitor “Sludge” poured into the Camp TNUC pool this week!
You see, our longtime janitor Sludge was fired this week for creeping around shower stalls and breathing heavy in cabin windows at night while campers are sleeping. Truth be told, Sludge is actually a gentle giant. He might be a deformed, half-witted, frightening product of inbreeding, but he’s a harmless soul with a heart much bigger than his brain. Plus, we haven’t given him a paycheck for his janitorial work since 1989 and he’s never complained. It worked out great for production and the TNUC payroll.
But what does Sludge do in retaliation for getting fired? Infects our pool with a sickening substance, turning it putrid green!
So unless you’re a rubbery creature like a Boglin, Critter or Goosebumps “Mud Monster” with a taste for key-lime-slime, choosing to swim in the Camp TNUC pool this summer will make you so deformed you’ll probably give ol’ Sludgy a run for his money!
Just this afternoon I arrived at the TNUC lair to find an all-too-familiar box sitting at my doorstep.
Now, a box of pizza wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary if I had actually ordered a steamy-hot-delicious-cheese-pie.
So something about this strange box gave me an uneasy feeling which gave way to profuse sweating and frantic looks over my shoulder. There was plastic tape on the outside and nothing about it smelled like food. Practical joke? Severed head? Anthrax? A letter confirming my reservation at the nut house? WHAT COULD THIS BE?!
I carefully opened the box and after it didn’t explode, I noticed zebra print peeking out from inside. Were the folks at Zubaz finally responding to my letters requesting uniforms for Camp TNUC counselors?
Negative. What unveiled before my eyes was something of epic goddamned proportions.
A MEGA-MOTHERLOAD BEER WOLF PACKAGE!
Shirts! Beer koozies! Stickers! All wrapped up in some mysterious Pizza Hut box? What good deed has Uncle T done to deserve such a precious gift?
The most mind-boggling thing about this hot n’ fresh Beer Wolf delivery is that these are NEW merchandise items. As we’ve come to understand, Coors Light haven’t run their Beer Wolf campaign in probably 25 years. Literally all those radical prints and artwork explosions ceased to exist after the early ’90s. Over the years TNUC has contacted them on several occasions, pondering the possibility of a comeback tour for the beloved beast…
So in the midst of this alleged return, I contacted Coors executives to get the full scoop. They responded with a message explaining to me they knew nothing about Beer Wolf returning and they would be looking into this matter!
So come to find out, apparently the Coors Brewery gift shop in Golden, Colorado decided to have some fun on their own by reviving the furry, beer-guzzling icon exclusively for their store. You’ll notice on his ballcap that the original “Coors Light” has been replaced with “Coors Brewery”.
While it isn’t sanctioned by Coors Corporate and currently unavailable for purchase online, any comeback is a comeback! Maximum respect, Coors Brewery.
Also found inside my package was a note from the shipper, a Colorado native and devoted TNUC disciple named Keith who runs a site called Something Strange. Keith, you are a bulging god amongst tiny men.
◊ ◊ ◊
***Throughout the annals of history, Coors Light’s Beer Wolf has been celebrated religiously at the Land of TNUC. There are a million reasons why we worship this sexy ball of fur, most of which stem from how overlooked Beer Wolf was during his short-lived career. Agreed upon by top scholars inside TNUC’s lair, Beer Wolf could run circles around Bud Light’s Spuds MacKenzie. He was buffer, tougher, nastier and could polish off dog bowls of beer faster than that little pooch could ever dream of. But Spuds captured almost 100% of the spotlight and glory. Aside from competition, Beer Wolf earned most of our respect by just being the bikini-inspecting, babe-chasing, beer-chugging iconic wolf he was born to be. Join the movement by participating in our #BeerWolfWednesday campaign on the social media outlets.***