PIZZA HUT PECULIARITIES.

Back when Pizza Hut was a somewhat respected fast-food pizza chain and the restaurant was still recognizable thanks to the red vinyl booths, stained glass chandeliers, shiny red roof and most importantly – halfway decent pizza – the company was crazy about their promotions. Movie tie-ins were a big thing as the ‘Hut struck deals with Land Before Time, Back to the Future and of course the biggest of them all, the TMNT franchise, with the restaurant being coined as “the official pizza power for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles“.

These generated a truckload of promotional items and materials that can now be found at crusty flea markets and on auction sites like eBay. Most commonly found are cups, glasses and kid’s plush toys. Once in a while Pizza Hut glory day aficionados like Uncle T will come across something really precious like a pair of Back to the Future Part II “Solar Shades” from 1989. Or one of their delivery boy jackets from the early ’90s. However every so often something really, really bizarre surfaces. An item that really makes us scratch our heads and wonder what type of acid a disgruntled teen employee dropped into the mozzarella cheese barrel before a corporate exec ate their lunch that day.

The monster announcement of 2017 came last week when Pizza Hut unveiled their “pizza tops” sneakers which have a built-in app, allowing you to order a pizza directly from your sneakers. Due to the sudden rage and TNUC getting multiple messages from fans about these wild things (thank you), now is probably a good time to shed some light on some of Pizza Hut’s most peculiar items throughout the company’s legacy. Some are promotional items while others are just oddities that popped up at different restaurant locations. Let’s go ahead and start discussing some of the great Pizza Hut Peculiarities! 

#1 Radio & Headphones!

The late eighties saw the partnering of two pop culture giants, Pizza Hut and Radio Shack. In 1986 they released the Radio with Headphones, a true triumph of technology equipped with little pizzas that hugged around your ears! Plus, this was during the age when all headphones had those puffy muffs (don’t know the technical term) to rest on your ‘lobes. Why did those go away? Also why weren’t these pizza headphones more of a big deal? I know whenever TNUC gets a request to DJ pool parties and monster truck gatherings, he’s always wearing these hot numbers while cranking the hits.

#2 Dirty Doily!

This lil’ nasty hails from the 1970’s(!) and has a current listing price of $12.31 on eBay (price including food stains). I don’t know what’s more unsettling, the fact that someone’s held onto this stained napkin since the 1970’s or that they want to sell it. If Uncle T was the seller, I’d pretend it was used by a famous person and have an elaborate story to back it up. “Rod Stewart and a bunch of hookers stopped by Pizza Hut one night while on tour in ’78. After devouring a Priazzo pan pizza in 90 seconds, they ran out of the restaurant without paying, leaving only this dirty doily and cocaine residue all over the table”.

#3 Pocket Knife! 

“You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.” – Glenn, Manager of Stan Mikita’s Donuts.

If the dirty doily gets the grand prize for the creepiest item on this list, the Pizza Hut KNIFE follows shortly behind. I get a real uneasy feeling looking at this, like it must have been used in a murder or dangerous love affair/scandal. I bet it was a love triangle that resulted in heartbreak and some jealous soul being stabbed by an enraged lustful lover. From its box to even the blue blanket it was photographed on, this had to have showed up in an episode of Unsolved Mysteries.

#4 Vinyl Record! 

From 1982 the smash-success Pizza Hut Hits exploded into the hearts and minds of the youth. In all seriousness this is a very peculiar promo item. There isn’t much information available about how the record was released however we did discover that it can be easily purchased and typically for very cheap. The songs on this compilation range from country-rock to soul, which isn’t exactly the type of music that comes to mind when thinking about Pizza Hut. It would have made way more sense to have Huey Lewis, The Beach Boys, Eddie Money, Whitesnake, etc. Maximum respect goes out to the cover artist though who nailed it with the pizza spinning on an ancient record player.

#5 Hawaiian Shirt!

Ah, there’s no better way to celebrate Hawaiian Shirt Friday at the office than donning this tantalizing tropical button-down made by the designer dream team over at Pizza Hut. To accompany this carefree fashion statement, it’s best to display a similar “fuck it all” attitude while wearing it. Consider roller blading into your office Friday morning (at least 2 and a half hours late), balancing a steamy large cheese with one hand and a boom-box blasting David Lee Roth’s “A Lil Ain’t Enough” in the other. Lastly cruise by your bosses’ office and pause, pulling your sunglasses down to give him a viscous eyebrow shake, then keep cruising until you trip and fall face-first into the secretary’s lap between her legs. Cobwebs!

#6 Lunch Cooler!

Some might suggest the Pizza Hut cooler is just a plastic lunchbox with a logo slapped on it, but they’d be dead fucking wrong. This juggernaut is a STATEMENT. Bring this thing to the beach party or better yet the CONSTRUCTION SITE. While everyone’s rolling in with their boring Igloo coolers filled with mundane lunches, show your love of the ‘Hut with the Pizza Hut cooler! You’ll be the talk of the job site. Plus, how rad would this look sitting on a stack of 2 x 4’s? Bonus points if you stuff a bunch of gooey pizza inside and share with the crew.

#7 Dehydrated Miniature Pizzas!

Pizza Hut jumped all over the opportunity for a corporate tie-in with 1989’s Back to the Future Part II. Futuristic commercials aired on TV and kids went wild for Pizza Hut’s $1.99 “Solar Shades” as worn by characters in the movie that hang out at Cafe 80’s. One of the most memorable moments in BTTF 2 was when the McFly family sits down for a hydrated pizza. In the scene, Mrs. McFly takes a dehydrated pizza (about the size of a cookie) and pops it into the Black & Decker hydrator and within a matter of seconds, it comes out piping hot and the size of a conventional pizza!

While replicas like the one pictured above aren’t officially licensed, they’re simply too good to exclude from this list. Several sellers on eBay have them available to purchase but of course we’re waiting on Pizza Hut to raise the bar and invent the technology to make these a reality.

#8 Classy Watch! 

Pizza Hut could’ve easily went the kiddie route with this one, making neon red watches that kids could wear to school and destroy at recess. Maybe throw a Ninja Turtle on there and shove it with the rest of the TMNT merchandise.

NOPE. Pizza Hut had a far different, more “executive” idea. Leather bands, gold framing and a degree of class and sophistication unmatched by most. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the Pizza Hut watch. Worn by top doctors, lawyers, wall street execs and CEO’s of fortune 500 companies, the Pizza Hut watch is a way to impress the board room, swoon the ladies and give you that boost of confidence you so rightfully deserve. You’ve earned it, champ. Now roll up those blazer sleeves, pour yourself a icy glass of Zima and thank God you were born.

TNUC’s dream promo item to own? My very own Pizza Hut delivery “car topper”. You know, those light up boxes that delivery drivers install on the top of their cars. Bonus points if it’s one of those triangular ones mirroring the restaurant’s signature red roof. 

Thanks for reading yet another article on goddamn Pizza Hut. The real reason this place fascinates me so much is because of what it used to be. Beyond TNUC being a total sucker for sit-down pizza parlors, Pizza Hut was simply a fun place that took risks with a bunch of wacky ideas for menu options and fun promotional tie-ins. The commercials really tired to pull at the heartstrings and were sometimes very effective. If the little league commercial at the beginning of TMNT the movie doesn’t get your heart pumping, you’re a deadbeat. Even the generic Italian “mama mia” murals that hung on the restaurant walls at least showed they cared. The place had heart.

If you have memories of the glory days of this legendary American franchise, share them on the social media networks and tag #MakePizzaHutGreatAgain.

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AWAKENING.

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We live in a time where the “synthwave” genre is without question over-saturated. It seems as though anyone with a laptop and photoshopped palm tree/neon glow logo is posting their version of something somebody already did better. It’s rare when a song comes along and really surprises us or makes you genuinely feel something, like so frequently during those first few years. Many artists have progressed into different or more commercial music styles, but as far as the instrumental synthwave/dreamwave/future synth guys are concerned, there are only a select few consistently making quality, exciting music. Uncle T apologizes if he sounds like a crusty old weasel.

Thankfully Lazerhawk is one of them. It’s a good thing, because his new album Dream Rider could’ve easily slipped through the cracks. With track titles like ‘Neon Dawn’ and ‘Cruise’, on the surface that sounds like something we’ve heard over and over again. There isn’t anything very special about the cover artwork either. I mean, it’s cool, but does nothing to stand out among the 7,000 other images of neon, grids, palm trees and cars.

Ah, BUT THEN THE MUSIC KICKS IN.


‘Awakening’ is just one example of how LazerHawk changes up the formula to bring us on a five minute voyage to depths hardly ever reached inside this style of music. The songs sound broad and massive. I like to imagine this music being recorded in an all-glass studio that sits at the top of a plateau with panoramic views of the desert. LazerHawk did it, folks.

TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Edward Furlong, 1991, ©TriStar Pictures

His previous album Skull and Shark was a heavy and fast paced effort, suitably fit for a night drive or maybe a Soviet Russian boxer’s workout session. In contrast, Dream Rider is more of a daytime album that takes it’s time and focuses way more on the individual musical journey of each song, packed with dramatic ups and downs and sweeping synths. There’s also an alien-like, celestial feeling in some of the songs that I hadn’t heard him explore before.


Enough reading. Go find the nearest automobile, fire up Lazerhawk’s Dream Rider and ride directly into the sunset. Hopefully wherever you are in the world, these songs make your days a little warmer, your nights a little more seductive.

Buy Dream Rider here.

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STRIPPED DOWN SUNDAYS, Part 2.

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In this month’s edition of Stripped Down Sundays, we’re greeted by the heavy metal creature himself, Blackie Lawless of WASP. Today Blackie is almost unrecognizable without blood drooling from his mouth, the saw blade cod piece, motorcycle mic stand or those pesky Ghoulies running about.

Sans the gimmicks, these solo acoustic performances further defend our testament that Lawless was one of the greatest signers and songwriters of the decade.

These songs come from WASP’s fifth studio album The Crimson Idol, a concept album about the rise and fall of a fictional rock star named Jonathan Steel. The album marked a revolutionary turn for the band with songwriting taking a far more serious approach than their previous work. The Crimson Idol was originally recorded as a Blackie Lawless solo album but apparently the bandleader was pressured to release it under the WASP name.

Unfortunately WASP were already four albums deep and the general consensus about the band from mainstream media had been established. While the “glam shock rockers” had a nice little run on MTV which earned them a few hits, they weren’t to be taken as “serious songwriters”. WASP also never fit in with the poppy glam metal groups, nor did they mesh well with the straight up metal bands.

While Blackie & Co. will mostly be remembered for their violent theatrics, spitting blood and chewing raw meat on stage, there was a depth to this band that still to this day goes right over some people’s heads.

Time to pour yourself a bloody mary on this easy Sunday and crank up these stripped down hymns courtesy of Blackie Lawless! 

PERV OF HEARTS.

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As Valentine’s Day approached this month, I couldn’t help thinking about all the hilarious perverts we’ve had the pleasure of getting to know on the big screen. From all the peeping toms falling off windowsills, to a guy arrested for “mopary” (exposing yourself to a blind person), I think we can agree that at the very least, these degenerates are creative. Their horniness knows no boundaries and for that we thank them for all their sleazy efforts.

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On this Valentine’s Day we’d like to call attention to a certain lovable tub of lard by the name of Principal Anderson a.k.a. THE REVOLTING BLOB. He’s our very own perv of hearts for February!

Play the clip above and revisit Principal Anderson mastering the art of a triple-threat pervert attack:
a) Creeper frames b) Glasses-tip c) Horny head-nod!

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Max Anderson didn’t always live the life of a distinguished elementary school principal. If you own the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World, the cover story on a wrestler named “The Revolting Blob” centers around an incident of that year when the deranged superstar sat on some guys head in the ring and killed him.

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While he redeems himself in the film by coming to the aid of Billy Madison at a time of need, Anderson can’t help squeezing in one more “I’m still horny” while groping Madison on the podium in front of dozens of onlookers.

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Happy Valentine’s Day everybody! 

THOSE CRISP MOMENTS.

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Everyone knows that Uncle T’s favorite time to drive around and listen to music is at dusk. Right after the sun goes down and before the vamps come out, it’s a shadowy time when daylight is transitioning to night and the sun casts a shadow, silhouetting everything in it’s path. Given the right circumstances, those brief few minutes can bring true moments of paramount when paired with the right music.

The TNUC lair is luckily nestled in the canyons of Los Angeles, making Manimal’s ride home extra crispy with music blaring, warm breezes blowing, palm trees swaying and a cigarette dangling from his mouth effortlessly in the wind.

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It’s times like these when TNUC’s powers are heightened. This has to do with something supernatural that happens in the air which seems to enhance everything…especially music. Still light enough to see everything but just the right amount of darkness. There are records in my collection I listened to for the first time during these early evening drives which I know wouldn’t be as cherished if they hadn’t been heard during that time of day. It’s crazy to think that where music is heard can be such a significant factor in your listening experience.

silhouette TNUC

There are literally dozens of songs to pick from in the TNUC library that I fondly remember having these crisp moments with. Most of them are electronic based songs which is understandable given the emotion a synthesizer can create without vocals. But what about rock bands? Have any groups of dusty-haired warriors created songs that fit into this category? Instead of going the easy route, I thought it might be more fun to see we could hunt down actual music videos that feature that sexy, sunwashed glow…

Ratt – Nobody Rides for Free! (1991)

Given that 1992’s Point Break is one of the quintessential “California” movies, fully equipped with no shortage of salty babes, sandy dudes, SWAYZE, baja sweatshirts, the LAPD and breathtaking cinematography of the sunshine state, it was a complete no-brainer that Ratt crawled their way onto the movie’s soundtrack with ‘Nobody Rides for Free’. The video captures the essence of Point Break beautifully without looking like it’s trying to…know what I mean? While the band play on one of the Ex-Presidents beaches, the camera pans over cliff edges and tidal waves while flashing to clips from the film. Wide helicopter shots also add to the massive nature of the song and movie. Besides a few campfires and a large scaffold holding up billowing curtains, that’s pretty much it, and it works. Also pay attention for Bobby Blotzer drumming in a pink wetsuit!

Dokken – Walk Away! (1988)

While this song certainly takes the taco for being one of the most monstrous power ballads to ever echo inside Uncle T’s Chevy Caprice station wagon during his first nasty divorce, Dokken’s ‘Walk Away’ is also the group’s final crucial hit before the band started to implode. The video actually starts out in the morning hours but dips into dusk towards the end when the sun fades behind a nearby mountain after George Lynch’s devastating guitar solo. Pure musical chills.

Winger – Can’t Get Enuff! (1990)

To this day no rock videos ooze sexuality as much as Winger videos. It’s a deadly mixture of muscly riffs, female and male perspiration, Kip’s blazing white smile and everyone looking like they showed up to film a shampoo commercial. CAN’T GET ENUFF. I always wave the flag for Winger because they really got a shitty deal towards the end of the ’80s, but were one of the most technical and talented bands to come out of that era.

Great White – Desert Moon! (1991)

The majority of Great White’s music video for ‘Desert Moon’ is shot around a beach bonfire at nighttime, but there are plenty of late afternoon sun moments too, plus a plethora of other tasty delights, like denim-clad long butts! Doesn’t this video also remind you of Bodhi’s beach parties? I swear I caught Roach, Grommet and Nathaniel in there somewhere.

Which movie scenes and music videos do you consider worthy of this category? Share your thoughts in the comment section!

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