No, that’s not a pool filled with Hi-C Ecto Cooler. It’s a putrid mix of unknown atrocities that our disgruntled janitor “Sludge” poured into the Camp TNUC pool this week!
You see, our longtime janitor Sludge was fired this week for creeping around shower stalls and breathing heavy in cabin windows at night while campers are sleeping. Truth be told, Sludge is actually a gentle giant. He might be a deformed, half-witted, frightening product of inbreeding, but he’s a harmless soul with a heart much bigger than his brain. Plus, we haven’t given him a paycheck for his janitorial work since 1989 and he’s never complained. It worked out great for production and the TNUC payroll.
But what does Sludge do in retaliation for getting fired? Infects our pool with a sickening substance, turning it putrid green!
So unless you’re a rubbery creature like a Boglin, Critter or Goosebumps “Mud Monster” with a taste for key-lime-slime, choosing to swim in the Camp TNUC pool this summer will make you so deformed you’ll probably give ol’ Sludgy a run for his money!
Just this afternoon I arrived at the TNUC lair to find an all-too-familiar box sitting at my doorstep.
Now, a box of pizza wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary if I had actually ordered a steamy-hot-delicious-cheese-pie.
So something about this strange box gave me an uneasy feeling which gave way to profuse sweating and frantic looks over my shoulder. There was plastic tape on the outside and nothing about it smelled like food. Practical joke? Severed head? Anthrax? A letter confirming my reservation at the nut house? WHAT COULD THIS BE?!
I carefully opened the box and after it didn’t explode, I noticed zebra print peeking out from inside. Were the folks at Zubaz finally responding to my letters requesting uniforms for Camp TNUC counselors?
Negative. What unveiled before my eyes was something of epic goddamned proportions.
A MEGA-MOTHERLOAD BEER WOLF PACKAGE!
Shirts! Beer koozies! Stickers! All wrapped up in some mysterious Pizza Hut box? What good deed has Uncle T done to deserve such a precious gift?
The most mind-boggling thing about this hot n’ fresh Beer Wolf delivery is that these are NEW merchandise items. As we’ve come to understand, Coors Light haven’t run their Beer Wolf campaign in probably 25 years. Literally all those radical prints and artwork explosions ceased to exist after the early ’90s. Over the years TNUC has contacted them on several occasions, pondering the possibility of a comeback tour for the beloved beast…
So in the midst of this alleged return, I contacted Coors executives to get the full scoop. They responded with a message explaining to me they knew nothing about Beer Wolf returning and they would be looking into this matter!
So come to find out, apparently the Coors Brewery gift shop in Golden, Colorado decided to have some fun on their own by reviving the furry, beer-guzzling icon exclusively for their store. You’ll notice on his ballcap that the original “Coors Light” has been replaced with “Coors Brewery”.
While it isn’t sanctioned by Coors Corporate and currently unavailable for purchase online, any comeback is a comeback! Maximum respect, Coors Brewery.
Also found inside my package was a note from the shipper, a Colorado native and devoted TNUC disciple named Keith who runs a site called Something Strange. Keith, you are a bulging god amongst tiny men.
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***Throughout the annals of history, Coors Light’s Beer Wolf has been celebrated religiously at the Land of TNUC. There are a million reasons why we worship this sexy ball of fur, most of which stem from how overlooked Beer Wolf was during his short-lived career. Agreed upon by top scholars inside TNUC’s lair, Beer Wolf could run circles around Bud Light’s Spuds MacKenzie. He was buffer, tougher, nastier and could polish off dog bowls of beer faster than that little pooch could ever dream of. But Spuds captured almost 100% of the spotlight and glory. Aside from competition, Beer Wolf earned most of our respect by just being the bikini-inspecting, babe-chasing, beer-chugging iconic wolf he was born to be. Join the movement by participating in our #BeerWolfWednesday campaign on the social media outlets.***
Spending your summer at Camp TNUC really does have its rewards.
Sure you’ll find deformed psychopaths wielding knives and chainsaws in the woods nearby, but on the flip side you get to experience once in a lifetime opportunities thanks to our team of counselors, lifeguards, perverted chefs and of course “The Manimal”.
Now for the groundbreaking news announcement of 2017! PIZZA HUT IS COMING TO CAMP TNUC. Not just a Pizza Hut, but a Pizza Hut boat dock, exclusively settled on our rotten, deadly campgrounds!
The “COURTESY DOCK” will provide camp customers an easily accessible area to dock their jet skis, canoes, rafts and inflatable alligator floaties while they get set for pizza! Or choose to call ahead and your steaming hot pizza will be ready for pick-up in no time! There you’ll be, lounging with some Body Glove-adorned Betty on your raft, while some dude named Jeff, Donny, Marcus, Randy, Zeke or Bart hustles down the hill to hand deliver your pizza directly on your watercraft. Hot tip: Avoid ordering the extra sausage special, or you’ll be in for a big surprise!
Customers can also choose to make the climb up the hill and enjoy the air conditioning and red vinyl booths at the actual Pizza Hut which sits directly beside the lake. Or relax on the restaurant’s deck while you bask in lakefront sunsets, summer breezes and topless water-skiing events sponsored by Body Glove.
Ricky Wade, hottest water-ski instructor around.
How exactly did TNUC hook up with the ‘Hut? Early in 2017 we signed a lucrative deal with the only remaining decent souls at Pizza Hut headquarters. They installed the boat dock and agreed to keep the company’s original logo, signature Red Roof and all the features and qualities that made the legendary franchise so unforgettable from 1975 to 1999.
By the time I finished this blog entry, those aforementioned Pizza Hut representatives who expedited this great idea have now been fired by the dead souls at ‘modern day’ Pizza Hut. However…Uncle T came to their rescue and gave these individuals jobs in our mess hall at Camp TNUC, mopping up hurl and lung butter. TNUC TO THE RESCUE!
See YOU at camp this summer! As always, please continue to join in our fight to
This week the cherished masterpiece Harry and the Hendersons turns 30 years old! Before we start the party, a couple quick thoughts from Harry’s #1 disciple, Uncle TNUC.
Just the other day when the topic of a ‘Bigfoot’ came up in a group conversation, 3 out of the 4 people immediately rolled their eyes after just mentioning the elusive beast. At first I was enraged and wanted to club them over their heads, but then I quickly realized why they displayed this knee-jerk sort of reaction. The current state of Sasquatch SUCKS.
It has nothing to do with our lack of actual evidence that a Bigfoot exists. The blame goes entirely to those pasty, loser virgins on the Discovery channel who made a reality show about ‘Finding Bigfoot’. It’s not worth delving into, but let’s just all agree that these uncool tubs of lard have temporarily ruined the mystique of Sasquatch thanks to their whining, crying and blobbing around in the woods, farting in their sweatpants.
DEATH TO FALSE SASQUATCH SUPPORTERS.
I know I’m not alone in admitting that still to this day when I think of a Bigfoot/Sasquatch/Yeti, only one lovable creature with a heart as big as his feet comes to mind: HARRY!
As a kid and throughout most of my manhood I’ve been intrigued by this big stinky creature and I credit Harry and the Hendersons for 97% of the fascination. It felt like more than a movie. This was a unique, first glimpse at everything you dreamed a Sasquatch to be, with serious thanks to the special effects magic of legendary artist, Rick Baker.
OK…time to pump this party by reliving some fond memories of Harry and the Hendersons — released 30 years ago this week in 1987!
As seen in the clip, Harry was created from a genius combination of face animatronics and an actor in a massive, furry costume played by Kevin Peter Hall (he also played the Predator). A big reason why Harry connected to so many people was the expressions and emotions that Rick Baker was able to create though control mechanisms. Multiple puppeteers had the job of controlling his facial gestures which were constantly changing during any given scene. Rick Baker’s creation won him the award for Best Makeup at the 1988 Oscars.
Click images to enlarge.
The rip-roaring success of Harry and the Hendersons was followed by pop culture megastardom. Harry appeared in trading cards, gum packaging, in toy lines and a special residency at Universal Studios Florida as part of a studio tour. But my favorite Harry take-home item is the stuffed animal version who resembles a nice old man morphing into a gorilla…
Made by Galoob in 1990, these furry-rubber, miniature companions were probably the closest you could get to having a Bigfoot live with your family, even if he’s 99,000x smaller than the real thing. One year later in 1991, a talking version of Harry was introduced.
However it does beg the question of why this guy arrived almost three years after the film’s release? Answer: Because the doll was actually based off the Harry and the Hendersons: THE TV SHOW!
Harry and the Hendersons: The TV Series enjoyed a three season span on NBC from 1991 – 1993. Aside from the fantastic intro song “Your Feet’s too Big” by Leon Redbone, the show didn’t perform as expected. One crushing blow was the death of Kevin Peter Hall which happened late into production of the first season. As previously stated, Hall also played Harry in the original film. He was replaced with several other actors, but the loss of Hall made a significant impact. Also, no offense to Bruce Davinson who played the dad in the series, but I think if John Lithgow had reprised his role from the movie it could’ve been more successful. Everyone knows Lithgow hit a goddamn grand slam playing George Henderson.
Looking back now, the scenic beauty of the Pacific Northwest played a significant role in this film’s appeal. Everything from the wood-paneled automobiles to George Henderson’s flannel collection portrayed a quality that wouldn’t have been possible if the movie’s location was New York City or Los Angeles.
If you’re ever passing through the town of Index, Washington, look for the Bigfoot statue which marks one of the spots where the movie was filmed. Stop in at the nearby coffee shop which sells Bigfoot hair and Bigfoot-shaped cookies.
Please join TNUC in celebrating Harry’s big 30th birthday by raising a sudsy can of beer and giving this heartwarming motion picture a fresh viewing. It’s truly the feel-good-flick of the century.
We still have a ways to go until October…
My longing for chilly nights and the smell of damp leaves has officially set in. But while thoughts consume my mind of gazing out on those cold, oceanic waters from TNUC’s old Victorian mansion on the coast of Maine, right out of thin air something arrived to ease our suffering.
Spooky masters of the macabre Carpenter Brut have announced the release of a LIVE album after their massively successful LIVE tour earlier this year. I’m obnoxiously capitalizing LIVE because I can’t emphasize enough how raw and ferocious their performances were from transitioning to a full band.
When electronic artists strap on instruments and take the plunge into performing live, it can be hit or miss. NOT FOR THESE PSYCHOS. The live platform allowed the music to enter a new dimension – full of visceral power and lust-charged energy. While the man himself worked the synth machines and the drummer pummeled away, guitars wailed radically courtesy of some long-haired barbarian axe-grinder. The intensity and energy in the room was pure heavy metal glory. Uncle T was at the Los Angeles show and it was a beautiful sight to behold.
Watch the video for ‘Maniac’ (Michael Sembello cover) featuring some live footage and saucy, vixen violence.
TNUC has been praising the Brut gospel since the first EP in 2012 but I’d be lying if I said I predicted this level of growth for the group. That’s not a shot to them at all, but too many times we see artists come strong out of the gate but lose their momentum or creative juice.
Three EPs, a world tour, live album and Carpenter Brut haven’t shown the any signs of slowing down. Like a fine bottle of blood/wine, these warlocks are getting better with time.
Pre-order the 2xLP/CD/Digital at https://carpenterbrut.lnk.to/CARPENTERBRUTLIVE