TRICK TURNING ANTHEM.
Posted on January 28, 2020 2 Comments
The following article goes out to anyone who’s ever had to turn a trick to make a living. You’re not alone.
Face the facts. At some point in your life, you’ve had to encounter the treacherous underworld of pimps, hookers and johns while doing your best to maintain hope and dignity.
It all started when Uncle T came across a movie while channel surfing the other night from called “Daughter of the Streets” from 1990. The film stars John Stamos, playing a sadistic pimp who seduces an activist single mom’s neglected daughter into becoming a hooker. As you could imagine based on that plot outline, it was FANTASTIC. Since this discovery, I’ve been fascinated by films about prostitutes. Specifically the grainy, older material that captures a style that is long gone from today’s culture.
Beyond the serious issues of broken families, neglect, drug use and sex slavery, these movies share a stylistic approach that is just plain fun to watch. The portrayal of gritty night life and the depraved atmosphere in which these girls occupy is a feast for the eyes. The best films are the ones that start with a teenage runaway who flees to the big city. From there it’s a nonstop assault of neon-soaked sidewalks, XXX theater marquees, silk stalkings, fishnet, teased hair, off-the-shoulder tube tops, shadowy men, steamy alleys, muffler exhaust, cigarettes, trench coats, vice squads, broken street lights, switchblades, lace gloves, empty parks, random burning barrels and lonely wanderers. I can’t get enough!
On the music side of things, plenty of songs have been written about streetwalkin’ and turning tricks. Sharon O’Neil’s “Maxine” immediately comes to mind. Or even in more recent years, Uncle Acid and The Deadbeats with “Melody Lane” from their 2015 night stalker-vibed album The Night Creeper. As far as older rock songs go, the theme did surface from time to time but very seldom was it thrust into the spotlight. There isn’t exactly a history of rock n’ roll songs about hookers tearing up the charts.
Ah, but in 1992 however, just before a bunch of shitty whiners in flannel shirts would migrate from Seattle and wipe off so many of our beloved bands, a killer group called WILDSIDE released the incredible debut album, Under the Influence. Unfortunately for them, the album was hardly noticed due to the downfall of party rock and the emerging, melodramatic grunge scene. The ironic part was that the band’s first single and music video was for a song about the rough life of a girl on the streets called “Hang On Lucy”!
Standin on the corner, looking like some Hollywood queen
Sellin’ her soul to the world, since she was just sixteen
Ohh, friday night and the stakes are high
She’s got a lot of money to earn
Workin’ the streets ’til the crack of dawn
For such serious subject matter, the song is insanely catchy and it’s hard not to enter party-mode when hearing it. That’s why we undoubtedly declare “Hang On Lucy” our #1 TRICK TURNING ANTHEM. Turn it up!
These aren’t prostitutes. It’s Wildside in ’92.
Wildside’s lead singer Drew Hannah commented in an interview from 2015 that the song was written about a real hooker in Hollywood who hung out by a liquor store where the band would go for booze runs during the recording of the album.
I love knowing when stuff like that happens.
So the next time you pass by a working girl on the corner who’s fighting to survive, think twice before you ignore her or make a disgusted face. You just might be inspired to write a song, help her out or take her to a concert. ♥
BUICK GRAND NATIONAL.
Posted on January 15, 2020 Leave a Comment
A ruthless snarl rumbles menacingly through the city. Tires roll over the slick wet asphalt. A proud hawk soars above. A cigarette dangles from a bottom lip. It could only mean one thing.
A 1987 BUICK GRAND NATIONAL IS PROWLING THE STREETS.
You know how people talk about the feeling of “goosebumps” or “chills” when hearing a great song? Or it could happen from watching a really epic movie scene that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up? I get the same power when seeing a Buick Grand National roll down the highway…and I know I’m not alone.
If you see one and get lucky, a platinum blonde with teased hair the size of Texas and legs for days will be driving. If you get REALLY lucky, someone that is basically Wade Garrett (Road House) is behind the wheel. Mid-50’s, sandy mullet, black jeans, scars, half asleep, lucky horseshoe ring, I ♥ Wanda tattoo, soft-pack cigarettes, empty Miller High Life bottles clanging around, rabbit’s foot keychain, faded maroon interior, faded cassette tapes on the dash, faded scratch tickets, faded painters’ union card, divorce papers crumbled up on the floor, JUGGS magazine, the same Dokken tape stuck in the stereo for the last 7 years and a pair of LLBP’s (lacy long-butt panties) on the backseat.
That’s right, this son of a bitch is headed straight to the bowling alley.
It’s hard to believe that a car can evoke this type of adrenaline, but the feeling is real. It’s absolutely real.
Uncle TNUC isn’t going to pretend he’s an automobile guru, so I’ll spare you with the long history lesson. What’s of great importance is that the 1987 “Grand National Experimental” (GNX) is highly regarded as being the last American muscle car. For Buick’s final production of Grand Nationals, they created a monster.
The ’87 GNX had an output of 300 brake horse power and 355 lb-ft of torque from its turbocharged, intercooled V-6. It beat out a Ferrari F40 and Porsche 930 in a performance test. Changes to its interior included an analog turbo boost gage. The GNX was created to be “The Grand National to end all Grand Nationals”. Any color was available…as long as it was black.
If a gun was pointed at my head and I had to choose just one song that captures the essence of the ’87 GNX, not a list of songs, ONE FUCKING SONG, I’d look up at the gunman with a shit-eating grin because the answer is too easy. The clear choice is The Doobie Brothers’ “Dangerous” from the 1991 action movie Stone Cold. Sure the song lyrics reference Harley motorcycles, but listen to those grooves and try not to imagine a guy in a sandy mullet screeching down the highway in a black Buick of death. Empty soft-packs of Vantage 100s crumbled up in the rear dash window. A sun-faded Garfield suction cup clinger hangs on for dear life. Now turn this up…
“Dangerous, that’s why you love it”
R.I.P. 1982 – 1987
“I RIDE THE WIND FOREVER FREE”
QUICK TRIP TO THE COCO FORESTS.
Posted on January 7, 2020 1 Comment
At the beginning of a cold and bleak January, I think we could all use an escape. Some place warm.
Let’s hop aboard a private jet at a Miami airport, donning an $800 suit and a tie with a toucan printed on it.
Now imagine being whisked away to the tropical paradise of the coca forests in Cochabamba, Bolivia. I can’t think of a better way to begin 2020.
Press play in the video link above and join me as we revisit the home of cultivated businessman and winner of “best dressed cocaine messiah” 4 years in a row, Alejandro Sosa.
A wealthy landowner. Educated in England. Comes from a very good family. The business brain and drug overlord of an empire that stretches across the Andes. Everyone knows and respects Sosa. His close friends and colleagues call him “Alex”. If he likes you and doesn’t think you’re a liar, Mr. Sosa will have his associates fly you to his backyard patio in Cochabamba for a pleasant afternoon lunch. After a salad and tour of Sosa’s luxurious estate, you’ll browse his cocaine factory. If things don’t work out and he ends up “smelling your garbage”, you’ll be lynched from a helicopter above his home by a henchman wearing sunglasses. *Binoculars will be provided to guests for watching your death*
Quick thanks to the remarkable YouTube uploader who created that 10-hour recording of the “Bolivia Theme” from 1983’s Scarface. I thought Uncle T was the only psycho who would enjoy such a thing. It’s also a reminder of how incredible every second of Giorgio Moroder’s music is from the Scarface soundtrack, even sequences such as this quick theme. Which leads us to our next feature…
Make no mistake, the music in Scarface is probably my favorite music ever put to film. However I’d be lying if I said I haven’t beaten those songs to smithereens over the years. I need a little break from “Vamos A Bailar”. My understanding is that Giorgio Moroder is sitting on hours and hours of the (still) unreleased score and bonus tracks that didn’t make the soundtrack nor the film.
Today we present a small taste that was provided to Uncle T while on a pilgrimage in the Andes Mountains with Kurt Sloan many years ago. I’ve had these tracks in storage for a while, and longtime TNUC disciples might remember when we shared them over a decade ago.
From what I’ve gathered these are the only bonus tracks to be released. Enjoy them with a spicy cocktail and plant-based narcotics courtesy of Uncle T. ♦
WOOD PANELING DREAMS.
Posted on December 10, 2019 2 Comments
If there’s one thing TNUC loves, it’s a house full of wood paneling. Plop me on a beanbag chair in the middle of a basement or den with wall-to-wall wood panelling and I’m in heaven. It’s my ultimate comfort living situation. So when Uncle T was narrowing down his Christmas list for Santy Claus this year, I came to the sudden realization that instead of presents this year, all I really want is my wood paneled TNUC lair back again.
Several years ago, our wood paneled fortress burned to the ground after one of my compadres was drunkenly blowing fireballs on a set of curtains. Fireball is a 180 proof bottle of alcohol that you and your friends can use spit out into a flame and cause a big poof of fire. *Not recommended*
During an unforgettable scene in the 1984 holiday horror classic Silent Night Deadly Night, the babysitter played by scream queen Linnea Quigley wrestles around with a boyfriend in a house which can only be described as what wood paneling dreams are made of.
I’ve always wondered what those hairy muppet things on the wall were all about. Tina Turner wigs?
Sure it’s a gruesome death scene featuring a homicidal maniac dressed as Santa, but as a fan of wood paneled interiors, you can’t help but smile in awe.
Now for your listening pleasure, here’s the Z-grade Christmas song that can be heard in the background of this very scene. OH LINNEA!
SAX = GRAVY.
Posted on November 27, 2019 Leave a Comment
Listen up jive turkeys. With the holiday’s just around the corner, how’s about a heavy pouring of saxophone?
Studies have shown that leading up to Thanksgiving, Uncle T and Auntie T listen to way more saxophone than any other time of the year. So what’s that all about?
After extensive psychoanalysis and research, it seems that deep in the TNUC subconscious brain, saxophone is to music to as gravy is to turkey. It’s the feeling of tenderness saxophone brings to a song that TNUC lusts for during the colder months. There’s nothing quite like nestling up with a lover in front of a roaring fire, sweating to death while the sounds of promiscuous sax reverberate through the air.
Our #2 oily sax warrior, Everette Harp (second to only Tim Cappello), really brings the heat in this performance of Phil Collins’ ‘Take a Look at me Now” live at Red Rocks featuring John Tesh looking like Grimace as he mans the piano. This video is mandatory viewing.
Mr. Harp has provided promiscuous sax for a number of artists including Teena Marie, Anita Baker, Billy Joel, Chaka Khan, Kenny Loggins and Luther Vandross. His debut album arrived in 1992 featuring thirteen tracks to make your ponytail swing and earring dangle. Listen to “When I Think Of You”….
Wise men understand that a quick way to a ladies’ heart is showering her with some unadulterated, unprotected sax. But the ladies don’t just get swooned by the sax, they also partake in the movement. Dutch saxophonist Candy Dulfer made a big impact with the major hit song “Lily Was Here” in 1989.
If what you need is a holiday mix of saxophone, piano-infused rock, dance numbers and other treats to set the mood, look no further than TNUC’s ‘Mystery Meat Mix’. It’s the only Thanksgiving themed mixtape you’re likely to hear…ever!
HEAVY METAL STUFFING MIX.
Posted on November 13, 2019 Leave a Comment
Without question, my favorite Thanksgiving dish is stuffing. It’s the all-out-assault that combines every taste and mouth-watering aroma of the holiday into one big, lumpy, delicious glory. It’s also just as amazing right out of the oven as it is leftover and cold the next day. Stuffing can do no wrong.
Much like a delicious mixture of bread crumbs, celery, onions, parsley, savory seasonings and turkey flavor, in 1986 the world was treated to a heavy metal smorgasbord of luscious locks, teased cuts, floppy mops, puffy grandma melons, tough mullets, power vocalists, screamers, screechers and shredders for a charity project called HEAR ‘N AID.
The following is the full, ‘making of’ documentary, which is absolutely one of the best things you’ll ever watch.
I was up late the other night and stumbled on this video for the 900th time. I’ve always loved the “Stars” song & video to death, but for the first time it really hit me how truly remarkable this moment in heavy metal history was. All these legends in one room, coming together for a worthy cause to feed starving people in Africa. Of course, cocaine was also part of the experience, but hey, their hearts were in the right place!
Hats off to Ronnie James Dio for conquering the daunting task of getting all these guys together to raise money for a great cause. The “who’s who” of rock and metal all got involved and by the looks of things, it certainly paid off. Apparently the Hear N Aid project generated $1 million within a year. ♥
Here is a group shot of the “singers” of Hear ‘N Aid. Can you name them all?
If the pilgrims and Native Americans could come together, than I don’t see why these heavy metal turkeys couldn’t either.
It’s interesting to note that apparently most of them actually didn’t know each other at the time, which is astonishing but believable at the same time. There had to be tension and awkwardness during those recording sessions. Since all we ever see is these bands individually, or at the most, maybe a jam session together on stage or something, watching them together in one room is fascinating. I can’t picture Rob Halford and Vince Neil ever hanging out together.
BONUS: Now it’s time for Swedish Metal Aid….the Scandanavian version of Hear ‘N Aid! This is truly a sight to behold.
Uncle T can’t say anything better than one YouTuber commented already, “Can you imagine how many Trans AMs and Firebirds there were in the parking lot.”
