Welcome to Castle TNUC’s Saturday Night Special! Tonight we’re putting the boob in boob tube by watching the pilot episode of our Halloween queen’s failed TV show for CBS, The Elvira Show.
Elvira shines on a level right on par with her 1988 motion picture debut Mistress of the Dark with that quick wit and saucy delivery. Apparently plans for the show to air in 1993 were squashed after executives watched the pilot and thought it was too raunchy for CBS. It’s a bummer because the show presents itself as a worthy continuation of her big hit movie and who in their right mind would complain about that?
Just a few years later “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” AKA a family-friendly version of The Elvira Show would air on a different network. Even though “Sabrina” derived from a comic book, the similarities were obvious. Talking black cat, aunts who are witches, the teenage niece….
Enough rambling. Watch and enjoy.
As they approached the glowing draw bridge entryway into the giant ceramic head of the TNUC Manimal, nervous excitement set in. It was hard to accept this reality but regardless they decided to ride out the surreal dream/nightmare. The visually appetizing airbrushed exterior alone of this funhouse castle was too good to not want to be completely immersed in.
Loud music continued to blast from the lo-fi speakers. This time it was Holocaust’s carnival-headbanger “Heavy Metal Mania”.
Greeting them at the entrance was Sir Nigel Penneyweight…(you know, the little guy from Ghoulies 2 who looks like a tiny Lionel Richie or John Oates). This was obviously very appropriate, as the setting for Ghoulies 2 was a seedy carnival! They all scratched their heads, confused but amazed. Then Mr. Penneyweight stood up on a stool and proclaimed loudly in a Shakespearean accent “Something is alive in Castle TNUC! Something that has the form of a long-blonde-haired Manimal, but is something else…something that feeds off the flesh and blood of young mischievous teens!”
The gang should’ve listened to the little man’s fair warning, but instead were downright rude and so distracted they blew him off and stormed inside, laughing and flicking a half-lit cigarette in his direction.
They were shoved aggressively into a mechanical cart that smelled of stale beer and rubber latex. A massive black handlebar came flying down from above and almost decapitated poor Linda (the innocent, presumed-to-be virgin of the group).
The cart began to take off, bucking and jolting uncontrollably, leaving a rain of sparks in its path. The black handlebar immediately came loose and fell into the bottomless pit below. They all looked at each other in pure terror, thinking this might be the last carnival “dark ride” they ever see if they can make it out alive. But each time one of the girls started whimpering or Ricky began giving some moral safety warning, Snake (intimidating dickhead of the group) started threatening them and screaming about how important it was for him to see Elvira’s big gothic mammaries in person. Based on the exterior artwork of Castle TNUC, he had this inkling she was signing autographs inside. But even as Snake took swigs of his Peach Schnapps and bumps of some powdery substance from his pinky ring, they could see the fear in his eyes.
The cart made a violent and drastic downward drop, followed by a smelly mist that entered the air. They passed through thick cobwebs, then were dowsed with an unidentifiable pink slimy goo. Ricky wiped the giant glop of slime from his face using the arm of his high school letter jacket. Linda was trembling. Roxie was still passed out from the handful of quaaludes she swallowed earlier in the parking lot (lucky her). Snake was so unnerved that he jumped into his own cart behind the group.
They heard a gurgling sound and looked back to see that Snake had been axed in the chest with a huge blade! As gross as it was to see him get butchered, they secretly sighed with relief because Snake was definitely that asshole of the group who nobody ever really wanted to be around. Roxie finally began to rise from her sedative-induced slumber to a nervous Ricky and terrified Linda. She lit up a cigarette as they tried to explain what happened.
The hazardous cart continued rumbling down the track into the bleak darkness. As they clenched onto each other with dear life, Ricky pointed out that the music getting louder in the distance was Paul Stanley’s “Shocker”. With both girls on opposite sides of him, seeking his embrace, Ricky was still fighting feelings of arousal even inside this dangerous arena of terror.
They passed by ceramic skeletons, dried up buckets of blood, multicolored ghouls and airbrushed reapers, then into a circular shaped room. The cart began rotating 360 degrees in view of display rooms containing abandoned horror props, gags and some shockingly impressive scenes. The first was The Cryptkeeper and Elvira competing in a Bud Light VS Coors Light promotional throw down. The once-working animatronics would’ve featured Cryptkeeper dressed in a tuxedo, passing out draft beers and decrepit looking “haunted hot dogs”. Elvira was dressed like Elvira, but her breasts had morphed 3x their original size and she was pushing around a foam cooler stocked with Night Brew™!
Suddenly sparks came down from the ceiling and a strange blue electrical current struck the stage. The cart motioned onto the next display. An animatronic, life-size dummy that Roxie identified as scream queen Linnea Quigley (Return of the Living Dead, Night of the Demons) miraculously came to life before their eyes! Linnea and her aerobics class of rubber zombies began reenacting a scene from 1990’s Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout.
(Ricky bootlegged the audio from the performance on a cassette. Have a listen below!)
When the music was over, the cart drifted through purple fog and into a new realm that smelled of grizzly hair and expired Brut cologne. They all looked up in unison. A pair of bright reptilian eyes were set against a handsome face, surrounded by wild locks of blond hair that penetrated the darkness beyond the group. He was staring into Roxie, and she could no longer be distracted by the feeble morality of Linda or Ricky. The ride had taken her, and whoever – whatever lay ahead that they couldn’t yet see, was her ultimate destiny…
STAY TUNED FOR CHAPTER 3: THE FINAL CHAPTER!
We get a bunch of Friday the 13th’s throughout the calendar year, but an OCTOBER Friday the 13th? This calls for something big. Something worthy of celebrating America’s favorite blade-wielding maniac, JASON! So break out the machetes, severed heads and piñatas. It’s time to party.
If you’re a regular around these parts or just a fan of horror, chances are you’ve listened to Alice Cooper’s “He’s Back (The Man Behind the Mask)” over 45,000 times. The infamous track from the soundtrack to Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives is a crown jewel of the heavy-metal-horror world, for crying out loud.
Ah, but have you heard the DEMO VERSION OF “HE’S BACK”?
It may not top the final movie version, but something about guitarist Kane Robert’s thrusting riffs are really owning it for me right now. I’m having a hard time not doing power slides on my knees through the apartment, while the family fog machine pumps in the background and a Reese’s peanut butter bat dangles from my mouth.
Not a peanut butter bat, but you get the idea…
Eventually Alice or a producer had a change of heart and went with the synthesizer-heavy final mix, which ended up being very successful on radio and MTV. If there’s anything to critique about the hit song, it’s that Alice always sounded a little like Weird Al on some of those vocals. Not as raw and punchy as the demo version!
Did the demo ripper get tossed on a shelf to rot? Not exactly. The main components of the song – sans the lyrics – were used for the song “Trick Bag” from Alice’s 1986 album Constrictor.
In closing, on this blessed OCTOBER Friday the 13th, let’s dedicate this song to Cort from Part VI. It’s probably no surprise that TNUC is a huge supporter of this classic bonehead counselor. The shredded denim, walkman earmuffs, crop top and general “let’s party” attitude earns him maximum respect around Castle TNUC. I’m confident if Cort had lived to see 21, he would’ve been a big fan of TNUC. *Fun Fact* Cort was Jason Voorhees’ 48th victim!
TGIF13TH, disciples. What are your plans tonight? Jason marathon? Boozing it up at the local cemetery? Luring a loved one into an RV in the middle of the woods for some 1 on 1 action? Tell us in the comments section.
Nothing oozes more Halloween spirit than a few grainy commercials from the prime-time era of horror. Low budget and campy? You betcha. Heartfelt and sincere? Absofuckinglutely.
Uncle T is real sucker for local costume shop commercials. Watching these ads brings me back to this long-gone shop in Pawtucket, Rhode Island that my parents took me as a pint-sized demon which if memory serves me correctly was called “Morris Novelty”. I still remember the feeling of seeing all these disgusting, intimidating and amazing latex masks hanging on a wooden pitched ceiling in the shop’s upstairs area. Everything expensive and ultra creepy seemed to be displayed in that upper section of the mom and pop store. Plus it was an old mill building with creaky floors and everything covered in dust.
As you reached the summit of the stairs to the third floor, one look up and it was wall-to-wall horror masks. Seeing these grotesque faces in person for the first time was something to behold. I didn’t stop thinking about it for weeks.
Here are some of my other favorite Halloween costume shop commercials lingering around the internet thanks to uploaders like Dinosaur Dracula and other gnarly historians…
Now for something even more obscure. On October 30th, 1980 a local nighty news program decided to have a little fun with a local costume shop for their Halloween evening news “sign off”.
Yes, that’s Jean-Michel Jarre’s classic track ‘Oxygéne’ heard humming in the background. It’s hard to explain the genuinely spooky-nostalgic feeling that’s pumping through my loins as I watch this over and over again! The Halloween season is a bizarre and wonderful thing.
A wise old woman once screamed at me in the night “Ghouls Just Wanna Have Fun!” and while yes, she was a babbling baggage lady who ate rats and collected crucifixes in the alley behind TNUC’s penthouse suite, the phrase resonated with me for a long time.
In its purest form the Halloween season should revolve around pumpkins, candy, horror movies and trick or treating. While most of TNUC’s disciples have long overgrown trick or treating, hopefully we can look back with fun memories of walking around the neighborhood on chilly nights, ruffling through damp leaves in our costumes and ringing doorbells. It’s a short but sweet slice of life that we sort of take for granted at the time.
In an effort to bring us back to those innocent but rambunctious times of creeping around in cheap Jason Voorhees masks and your dad’s greasy-old work coveralls, TNUC proudly presents GHOULIE BAGS!™ (Limited quantities on sale now!)
GHOULIE BAGS™ feature special appearances by:
- Castle TNUC postcards
- ‘Serpent Manimal’ stickers
- Vintage Miller Beer zombie fingers
- Vintage McDonalds jack-o’-lantern rings
- Rubber rats
- Rubber bats
- Rubber ghouls
- Video Vamp teeth
- Goosebumps stickers
- Illegal narcotics
- special surprises!
*Please note that no two bags contain the same contents! But we promise each and every bag is equally spooky and nasty!*
GO HERE TO GRAB YOUR GHOULIE BAG™ NOW! (extremely limited quantities)
It happened when the clock struck midnight on September 30th, the eve of October. Those frequent detention hall delinquents (Ricky, Linda, Snake and Roxie) were roaming the local carnival at the wee hours of the night, trying their best to hide from the fat security guard who who was too distracted by the leftover fried dough and cold hot dogs he was scarfing down from the day. Once they hopped the bushes behind The Devil’s Tower, it started to all soak in – the carnival shrouded in darkness, the absolute silence and the unnerving stillness. As they dusted their leather and flannels and took one last lungful of the wet, chilly air, Ricky pulled out a Winston from his back pocket, put it up to his lips and flicked the lighter. They belonged to the night.
Suddenly a faint, rhythmic sound was heard in the distance. It was coming from behind the trailers and carny compounds where all the sideshow carnies slept at night. God it reeked back there. As they approached a little closer, it became clear that it was heavy metal music blaring from a crappy PA system. Who could it be? The bearded lady and walrus boy getting it on? A bunch of teenage brats having a drinking party? The latter simply couldn’t be possible since Uncle T and his goons run this boardwalk during these hours of the night.
As the music grew louder, it started to become so dark that it was nearly impossible to see two inches in front of their faces. Everything around them simply blackened…the trees, ground and surroundings. A dizzying effect took over. They were forced to their knees as if they were being pushed down by some ghastly entity in the air.
They looked up and gazed upon a radical airbrushed fortress that was bathed in heavenly glow…
STAY TUNED FOR CHAPTER 2!
[Calling all deviants, weirdos, freaks, jocks, dweebs, sluts, ghouls and ghoulettes! Welcome to the 2017 TNUC Halloween season! Inspired by carnival funhouses, pretzel dark rides and seedy county fairs, Castle TNUC is a dreamland for anyone who enjoys rubber monsters, hairy beasts and busty boogeybabes. So step right up and get your tickets to Castle TNUC paradise! Pay to get in…PRAY to get out!]
Huge thanks and appreciation to Cody Kaufman who killed it with this year’s artwork!