PERV OF HEARTS.

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As Valentine’s Day approached this month, I couldn’t help thinking about all the hilarious perverts we’ve had the pleasure of getting to know on the big screen. From all the peeping toms falling off windowsills, to a guy arrested for “mopary” (exposing yourself to a blind person), I think we can agree that at the very least, these degenerates are creative. Their horniness knows no boundaries and for that we thank them for all their sleazy efforts.

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On this Valentine’s Day we’d like to call attention to a certain lovable tub of lard by the name of Principal Anderson a.k.a. THE REVOLTING BLOB. He’s our very own perv of hearts for February!

Play the clip above and revisit Principal Anderson mastering the art of a triple-threat pervert attack:
a) Creeper frames b) Glasses-tip c) Horny head-nod!

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Max Anderson didn’t always live the life of a distinguished elementary school principal. If you own the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World, the cover story on a wrestler named “The Revolting Blob” centers around an incident of that year when the deranged superstar sat on some guys head in the ring and killed him.

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While he redeems himself in the film by coming to the aid of Billy Madison at a time of need, Anderson can’t help squeezing in one more “I’m still horny” while groping Madison on the podium in front of dozens of onlookers.

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Happy Valentine’s Day everybody! 

THOSE CRISP MOMENTS.

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Everyone knows that Uncle T’s favorite time to drive around and listen to music is at dusk. Right after the sun goes down and before the vamps come out, it’s a shadowy time when daylight is transitioning to night and the sun casts a shadow, silhouetting everything in it’s path. Given the right circumstances, those brief few minutes can bring true moments of paramount when paired with the right music.

The TNUC lair is luckily nestled in the canyons of Los Angeles, making Manimal’s ride home extra crispy with music blaring, warm breezes blowing, palm trees swaying and a cigarette dangling from his mouth effortlessly in the wind.

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It’s times like these when TNUC’s powers are heightened. This has to do with something supernatural that happens in the air which seems to enhance everything…especially music. Still light enough to see everything but just the right amount of darkness. There are records in my collection I listened to for the first time during these early evening drives which I know wouldn’t be as cherished if they hadn’t been heard during that time of day. It’s crazy to think that where music is heard can be such a significant factor in your listening experience.

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There are literally dozens of songs to pick from in the TNUC library that I fondly remember having these crisp moments with. Most of them are electronic based songs which is understandable given the emotion a synthesizer can create without vocals. But what about rock bands? Have any groups of dusty-haired warriors created songs that fit into this category? Instead of going the easy route, I thought it might be more fun to see we could hunt down actual music videos that feature that sexy, sunwashed glow…

Ratt – Nobody Rides for Free! (1991)

Given that 1992’s Point Break is one of the quintessential “California” movies, fully equipped with no shortage of salty babes, sandy dudes, SWAYZE, baja sweatshirts, the LAPD and breathtaking cinematography of the sunshine state, it was a complete no-brainer that Ratt crawled their way onto the movie’s soundtrack with ‘Nobody Rides for Free’. The video captures the essence of Point Break beautifully without looking like it’s trying to…know what I mean? While the band play on one of the Ex-Presidents beaches, the camera pans over cliff edges and tidal waves while flashing to clips from the film. Wide helicopter shots also add to the massive nature of the song and movie. Besides a few campfires and a large scaffold holding up billowing curtains, that’s pretty much it, and it works. Also pay attention for Bobby Blotzer drumming in a pink wetsuit!

Dokken – Walk Away! (1988)

While this song certainly takes the taco for being one of the most monstrous power ballads to ever echo inside Uncle T’s Chevy Caprice station wagon during his first nasty divorce, Dokken’s ‘Walk Away’ is also the group’s final crucial hit before the band started to implode. The video actually starts out in the morning hours but dips into dusk towards the end when the sun fades behind a nearby mountain after George Lynch’s devastating guitar solo. Pure musical chills.

Winger – Can’t Get Enuff! (1990)

To this day no rock videos ooze sexuality as much as Winger videos. It’s a deadly mixture of muscly riffs, female and male perspiration, Kip’s blazing white smile and everyone looking like they showed up to film a shampoo commercial. CAN’T GET ENUFF. I always wave the flag for Winger because they really got a shitty deal towards the end of the ’80s, but were one of the most technical and talented bands to come out of that era.

Great White – Desert Moon! (1991)

The majority of Great White’s music video for ‘Desert Moon’ is shot around a beach bonfire at nighttime, but there are plenty of late afternoon sun moments too, plus a plethora of other tasty delights, like denim-clad long butts! Doesn’t this video also remind you of Bodhi’s beach parties? I swear I caught Roach, Grommet and Nathaniel in there somewhere.

Which movie scenes and music videos do you consider worthy of this category? Share your thoughts in the comment section!

FOOD FIGHT!

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Think of all the great food fights we’ve witnessed in movies and television. Now search within yourself and ask, what’s the all-time best? Animal House, Hook, Valley Girl, Little Darlings, Family Matters, Full House…the list goes on!

For TNUC the choice is clear. Nothing tops Junior and Trixie’s pizza parlor food fight in the motion picture masterpiece, Problem Child 2.

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My favorite food fights are the ones involving fake and exaggerated versions of real food. Take for instance the slimy pizza in this scene. Has pizza ever been this oozy and sticky-icky? The chef must have run out of real cheese and figured anyone eating at Pizzarific won’t notice if he slides some Ghostbusters’ ectoplazm onto the pizza pies. But hey, who cares! I’d host the TNUC pizza party every year at this place if it meant drippy pizza food battles and Junior Fucking Healy.

***UPDATE: Immediately after writing this paragraph, I watched this behind-the-scenes video with Michael Oliver (Junior) confirming that the pizza slime was in fact the same stuff they used in Ghostbusters. WHOA!***

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Of course in real life, our annual summertime food fights at Camp TNUC are the most fun. One afternoon in July is set aside to completely destroy the cafeteria in a sloppy explosion of hurling meatballs, squirting ketchup, flyin’ pickles, launchin’ Lunchables, raining mustard, mayonnaise assault, catapulting mashed potatoes, Kool-Aid baths, flinging noodles, burger battles and pie wars. 100% PURE ADRENALINE.

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On a related note, the debut of Nickelodeon’s Double Dare did wonders for food fight disciples like Uncle T. It wasn’t exactly a “fight” but it still felt like a culmination of every great food explosion scene balled into one — plus trivia, prizes and Mark ‘Slaughterhouse’ Summers.

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Just when I finished scouring God’s green earth, coming to terms with the harsh reality that every great food battle had been fought and seen already on television, a vision came to me while I was floating around on the 10 foot alligator raft in the TNUC grotto, drinking a frothy Löwenbrau. As I drifted off to sleep, the vision of two powerful worlds collided: food fights + women’s mud wrestling.

The next morning I received something at my doorstep. Something big. Something mega. Something copious. Something cajunga…

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Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? No need to pinch yourself because this was no dream. It’s 1987’s FOXY FOOD FIGHT!

After all the TNUC research on women’s mud & oil wrestling (we spent a month doing this in 2015), you’d think something like Foxy Food Fight would’ve come across our radar. Instead, this VHS tape was a blessing that arrived out of the clear blue sky.

Shot at the world famous Whiskey a Go Go on the Sunset Strip, this 60 minute fabulous feast stars a group of America’s most luscious ladies “with bodies sculptured by every sexual fantasy ever bestowed on womankind” battling it out on a mat in a three round/three coarse meal. Watch as these finely toned vixens start body slamming each other on beds of salad, spaghetti with red sauce and finally dessert…whipped cream and cherries. You’ll never look at food the same way again!

Just like watching one of those old mud wrestling videos, you need to be constantly on the lookout for familiar faces both in the ring and audience. Sure enough, not one but two girls from the 1984 comedy classic Hardbodies came into focus on the TNUC long-butt radar! The ring girl holding up cards between rounds is actress Kristi Somers who played the sexy, spirited blonde in the movie (the one who the old cowboy dude in the movie couldn’t keep up with). The second was actress Teal Roberts, one of the last dynamic damsels to enter the ring, who in Hardbodies played the girlfriend of main character Scotty!

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Whether food fights go down in the cafeteria or mall food court, most people leap at the opportunity to hurl sloppy shit around at their friends or foes. The one food fight that comes to mind for me personally was at a Chuck E. Cheese’s birthday party in early ’90s. We annihilated that place in more ways than one. Put it this way, when you invite the entire 3rd grade class to a place dedicated to pizza, cake, games and animatronic animals, you’ve created a monster.

Do YOU have food fight memories? Share them in the comment section!

WARNING.

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German Death Disco from 1982. That’s the topic of today’s discussion, courtesy of the brave souls over at Dangerous Minds.

Long before your favorite darkwave artists like Perturbator, Umberto and SURVIVE even knew what a synthesizer was, there were a couple weirdos in Germany creating a devastating blend of robotic horror music a thousand times more scarier. May I present WARNING.

When you’ve finished traveling through Tron-land with these harbingers of death in the video above, read over the full article at this location. There’s no need for me to reiterate the myth and mystery of Warning after Dangerous Minds’ write-up executed it so perfectly. Plus – I need time to dip into my private stash of expired quaaludes just to try and sleep tonight after watching this.

 “What were they warning us about? We may never know, but I will tell you this much, once you hear Warning, you will never forget them. Even if you really want to…”

STRIPPED DOWN SUNDAYS, Part 1.

Ahhhh Sunday.

A day of rest and much deserved break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

In my younger years, Sundays meant only one thing: school was coming. Even with a full day off – free to ride dirt bikes to the arcade and eat all the rubbish you want – the dread of Monday was always there.

Now I cherish Sundays for one reason: Uncle T can finally ease back in his wood-paneled “devil’s den” after unplugging the amps, breaking out the acoustics and stripping down to the bare necessities of guitar-picking bliss.

Welcome to Part 1 of STRIPPED DOWN SUNDAYS, a series of relaxing Sunday afternoon reflections on stripped down performances chosen by TNUC. Up first is some MTV Unplugged jams from Ratt!

While I’ve always been an unapologetic Ratt disciple, this performance of the boys covering Fleetwood Mac and Creedence Clearwater Revival shed a new light on the band for me.

Lead singer Stephen Pearcy’s 3-packs-of-cigs-a-day vocal style never sounded better than it does right here. His raspy singing works tremendously on “Born on the Bayou”, a bluesy approach I’ve never heard him tackle before. As Pearcy snarls through cajun country it immediately had me fantasizing about a music video featuring a stretch limousine, pet alligator and dozens of women in all-white, mesh miniskirts and nylons.

Ratt were never a power ballad type of band which is unfortunate because one massive MTV hit could have launched them to Mötley Crüe levels of success. However hearing them groove over a swamp rock song has to make you wonder what they could’ve done had they introduced some alternate styles in their music. The guy slapping bongos on the life side of the stage is Fred Coury of Cinderella. The big blonde guitarist on the opposite side is actually not Robbin Crosby (RIP), who we came to learn years later was sick and battling drug addition at the time. His fill-in was legendary guitarist Michael Schenker of UFO, The Scorpions, MSG, etc.

We’re blessed to have this recording available on YouTube, but apparently the band also performed stripped down versions of “Givin Yourself Away” and “Way Cool Jr.” during this show. If anyone out there has the keys to these sonic gems, please grant access to Uncle T.

Now TURN IT UP and have a powerful Sunday.

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