DONNY BENÉT.

The world needs to be talking more about Donny Benet. After all, he’s the smoothest man in music today and his disco-lounge compositions are goddamned exceptional. In a music scene filled with people trying to emulate a sound of the past, Donny glimmers and grooves high above the rest. He carries an air of authenticity that is so rare when comparing with most of his genre contemporaries.

Uncle Don keeps things light and humorous but there’s a genuine layer to what he does and it’s this very thing that sets him apart. Plus, his silky basslines are the sultriest I’ve heard in decades…

personal favorite track/video of mine

Now let’s talk about the look. The head of hair on this iconic human being is something not many could ever dream of pulling off. Donny seems to do it with effortless ease. When I first watched the above music video, I almost fell out of my seat. Was this guy cryogenically frozen in 1983 and thawed out thirty years later? Not only does he posses the look, but he’s got the energy and songs to back it up. We are almost not worthy,

I had the pleasure of catching one of his live shows last weekend during the start of his US tour. He didn’t bring his backing band so you could say it was more of an intimate evening with The Don. Just him wearing a brown leisure suit and a synth thingy he had plugged in, crooning to the crowd for 90 minutes. The audience erupted in a dance frenzy from start to finish.

While Donny’s had great success in his native land of Australia as well as in Europe, he still isn’t on everyone’s radar like he should be. Hell, I just found out about him about a year ago from my good friend Mike Ballermann.

I cannot recommend highly enough picking up his last two albums The Don (2018) and Mr. Experience (2020). Then watch ALL his music videos. If you don’t admire Donny Benet after that, I simply cannot connect with you on any emotional, intellectual, spiritual or mental level. Goodbye.

Lyrically Donny tackles all the appropriate subjects. Passion, romance, seduction, exotic destinations, food.

— 2022 US & CANADA DATES —

10 Mar Turf Club, Minneapolis, MN

11 Mar Lincoln Hall, Chicago, IL

12 Mar Globe Hall, Denver, CO

13 Mar Larimer Lounge, Denver, CO

15 Mar Echoplex, Los Angeles, CA

16 Mar Independent, San Francisco, CA

18 Mar Wonder Ballroom, Portland, OR

19 Mar The Crocodile, Seattle, WA

20 Mar Imperial, Vancouver, BC

www.DonnyBenet.com

‘HEAVY WEEPERS’ PLATINUM PLAYLIST.

As a wise man from a Monster Ballads commercial once said, “every bad boy has a soft side”.

Power ballads, monster ballads, tearjerkers, panty droppers, heavy weepers. Whatever you call them, they are without question an important part of music history and we as a society don’t talk about them enough. Shame on us.

It’s actually not that the genre within a genre isn’t talked about enough, rather not in the right regard. For many of our favorite artists these particular songs were the exact ones that catapulted them to massive success. For even the harder-hitting tough guys of the scene, it wasn’t happening for them until “the ballad” made them darlings of MTV and kept their record on the charts for weeks and months. It took many of them several singles and albums before they finally broke with a love song.

Make no mistake, there were plenty of clunkers and bad eggs. When things got too poufy and sappy, lines were blurred and suddenly these “rock bands” actually weren’t doing any rocking (see: the Nelson twins). These songs could be painful to listen to at times, but for all the bad there was still plenty of POWER. Heavy metal ballads tailor-made for long nights, going all the way, senior prom, beach sunsets or a recently divorced dad cruise-controlling down the road at 35mph in his ’87 Cutlass with a cigarette in one hand and a tear on one cheek.

PLAYLIST LINK!

In honor of Valentine’s Day coming up, we thought instead of making a usual TNUC mixtape, how about just a monstrous, heavily lubricated, long-lasting, ribbed for her pleasure, platinum playlist of HEAVY WEEPERS to help you through the intimate times. The 100-song playlist is available through Apple Music and YouTube. Just click the big red play button! *Bonus videos on the YouTube version below*

To assist Uncle T in choosing such a vast amount of crucial weepers, my Colorado compadre Rachel (IG: axe_crazy) included her favorites as well. Many of the super obvious ballads didn’t make the cut (November Rain, More Than Words, To Be With You) because I think we’ve been clobbered over the head with those enough. Everything else though, was fair game. You’ll hear anthems of power love that haven’t seen the light of day in a very long time, as well as favorites to revisit.

So on one of these upcoming nights, take a drive to “the point” on top of the hill, past the big water tower. Set that baby in park, ease the seat back, crack open a Whitman’s Chocolate Sampler, that 6-pack of High Life, get the HEAVY WEEPERS PLATINUM PLAYLIST going and give your partner the look. You know the one.

Call 1-900-UNCLE-T today to order Volume One. *Don’t ask your parents. Just buy it!*

TOP OF THE HILL MIX.

They say you never forget the first time you fall in love. For me it was at Squaw Valley during the winter of ’91. The air was cold and passions were hot. I never did catch her name.

That year I trained for Squaw Valley’s annual ‘Downhill Invitational’ like I’d never trained for anything in my life. Dumping my life savings into training regimens and expensive gear, while neglecting my own family and friends because my fight to the top was so pivotal. At no point during this focused determination did I realize that all of my hard work and discipline would be completely wiped away once I got a glimpse of that bare long-butt racing down the mountain.

The day started at 10:00 am — the sound of the gun going off at the starting line felt like ice in my veins. I was off like a Japanese bullet train, pummeling down the double-black diamond trail like 185 pounds of cold-blue steel and sex appeal. Nobody could catch me. At this point when my confidence level couldn’t have been any higher, suddenly everything came to a screeching halt when a beautiful figure was directly in my path like a desert oasis. I dropped to my knees in the snow.

A perfectly tanned, glistening long-butt was tearing down the mountain in front of me. Not just a long-butt, but a perfectly carved, chiseled-by-the-Gods, impervious to cold temperatures long-butt. My eyes and my heart started to simultaneously ache. I began short circuiting from sensory overload. Now helpless from its power, I had no choice but to follow this immaculate, natural beauty. At certain times she would look back at me and either wink or tip her shades down to see if I was still there. Questions entered my mind. Where did she come from? Why wasn’t she wearing any pants? Was I still in this race? Then I realized quickly…none of it mattered.

I looked back and remembered I had been competing in the invitational. By this time I had veered way off the trail due this horny vortex. I was caught in a web of mountaintop-long-butt fantasies (something I didn’t know existed). “Just hold on tight and enjoy the ride” I told myself.

When I approached the bottom after carving slopes at nearly 200 miles per hour– steamrolling through trees, moguls and any obstacle in my path — the long-butt-lady and I crashed into each other. We tumbled down the hill while taking out spectators, judges, advertisement banners and some small children. We locked eyes, saxophone started playing out of the PA system and she said something in another language that I didn’t understand. At that point nothing else mattered. We rode the enclosed ski lift for the rest of the afternoon and never got off until sunset. Windows were steamy.

TNUC’s TOP OF THE HILL mixtape is dedicated to all the fun you can have up on the mountain. Whether it’s throwing back pitchers of beer at the lodge or getting steamy in the hot tub with a lady friend, this mixtape will turn up the heat and get you out of the cold!

*A massive thank you Chad Allegro, Dan Gray (for the artwork!), Warren Miller, Dave Marshak, Squirrel Murphy and The Fantasy Inn in Tahoe City for their hospitality*

REST EASY, MR. TANNER.

This week Bob Saget passed away at only 65 years old and and the sudden loss reverberates tremendously in the Land of TNUC.

Mr. Tanner (or Danny) earned the title of “America’s Dad” and if you grew up religiously watching TGIF on Friday nights in the early 1990’s, you probably agree. To me, he will always be remembered as the ultimate dorky dad. Either you could relate with your own father or you had a friend’s dad who had Danny Tanner-isms. A neurotic clean freak, nervous about everything, too many sweaters and probably has a few Yanni CD’s in front of the home stereo system.

Full House was always a show with endless cornball moments, but no one can deny the charming dynamic between those characters. Three middle aged guys, vastly different from one another, raising three girls in one house. Jesse, the renegade rocker who lives in a room with pink bunny wallpaper — Joey, the goofball with a heart bigger than his brain — and Danny, the lanky widower with a vast amount of life lessons.

Every episode of Full House ended with 5 minutes remaining and Danny offering tender advice to someone in the family or a complete stranger. Followed by the heartfelt “ahhhs” from the studio audience. It was a golden recipe and it worked.

To this day Full House remains one of the all-time best comfort shows. Something you can tune into whenever and wherever, especially the times when you don’t feel like having to decide between a movie, multiple streaming networks and seven thousand TV shows. Stop on the channel guide when you see the half hour blocks that say Full House and just sit there.

Of course Bob’s successful career would continue through the decades with America’s Funniest Home Videos, movie directing, stand-up comedy and of course the Fuller House reunion series on Netflix.

When I made this video edit for Fleetwood Mac’s “Family Man” on Father’s Day of last year, it sort of fell on deaf ears and blind eyes. Part of that being because YouTube wouldn’t host it due to copyright issues. Well, I can’t think of a better time to post it again. I hope you disciples enjoy.

Expect to see more Danny Tanner coverage on this site in 2022. Cleaning tips, life lessons, and favorite moments like the time he tried dating a younger girl and almost went to a Slaughter concert.

Our deepest condolences go out to Bob’s family as well as Jesse, Joey and the rest of the San Francisco crew.
Rest easy, Bob Saget and thanks for the memories.

DANCE LIKE DOKKEN.

For the first TNUC article of 2022, I wanted something that will both fry your brain and make you get up out of your seat to jump around the room. This isn’t the time for wallowing in post-holiday season blues. Get ready for a thrill ride.

This dance cover of the all-time classic ripper ‘In My Dreams’ by Dokken came across my desk this week and I pretty much launched out of my chair and coughed up Cooler Ranch Dorito dust all over myself. My initial thought was how am I only NOW finding out about this?! With Dokken being one of TNUC’s most sacred bands, I can’t wrap my head around how this got by me.

I should hate it…but I don’t. Being also a fan of early 90s dance music, this works for me. I wouldn’t trade it for the original song even if I was held at gunpoint, but if this came on inside the club and I was wearing my Z Cavariccis, I would be doing cartwheels across the dancefloor.

Kiddie pop group The Party were created by The Disney Channel and were made up of cast members from The All New Mickey Mouse Club. “The Party” was a backronym for “Positive Attitude Reflects Today’s Youth”!

The group had some moderate success and toured as openers for both Vanilla Ice and Taylor Dayne. Their cover of ‘In My Dreams’ ended up being the band’s biggest hit on the charts, peaking at #34 on the Billboard Hot 100 and #16 on R&R (Radio and Records Chart Top 100). The song would also score the group appearances on shows such as Club MTV, a Disney Channel special titled “Go Party!” and another concert tour — this time with the R&B group Hi-Five.

This probably never happened, but it’s fun to imagine Don Dokken showing up all strung out and pissed off in 1990 for a lunch meeting with members of The Mickey Mouse Club. “Do any of your parents know a good blow dealer?”

The Party – In My Dreams [free d/l]

THE TOY STORE FROM AIRHEADS!

“You look like half a butt puppet.” Welcome to Rex’s part time gig at this fantastic toy store in early 90s Los Angeles. You remember Rex, right? The long-haired, mustached bassist for ‘The Lone Rangers’. Yes, the infamous trio who hijacked the Southern California rock radio station, KPPX. And yes, they pluralized the lone ranger.

In case you weren’t paying attention, the entire premise of Airheads fell on the hands of this toy store and I’ll explain why. These boneheads were only able to take over a radio station, hold hostages and demand their record be played on the air thanks to Rex’s toy guns filled with pepper spray that he smuggled from his days at “Clowny’s Toy Town”. Rex was smart enough to stash a few of the guns (and some Crash Dummies dolls) before he tossed his apron at dweeby store manager Zachary and quit to serve full time at the altar of rock ‘n roll.

Exhibit 1

Seeing as though Christmas is this week, let’s take a crusty cruise down this beautiful aisle and marvel at all the wonderful toys. Enlarge these screen grabs from Airheads and see what you recognize. Maybe Santa Claus left you some of these under your tree when you were a child. Or perhaps he might bring a vintage toy from 1994 down the chimney this year, Or neither. Maybe we just enjoy staring at toy aisles because the world desperately needs Toys ‘R Us and Kaybee Toys to return. YEAH.

1. ROBO BLASTER (Cap Toys, 1992)
Sometimes I just simply refer to the early nineties as the super soaker era because society was at the absolute brink of squirt gun mania. By 1992, companies began trying different spins on soaker guns and ROBO BLASTER was definitely one example. The unique feature of this water gun was that water shoots from your fingertips and requires NO PUMPING. Every kid knows the anxieties of pumping vigorously as a pack of wild, preteen hyenas are in close range and about to take you down. This toy had clear inspiration from the Terminator/Robocop obsession of those days. “Soaks Without Mercy”

2. GAK SPLAT (Nickelodeon, 1992 – present)
Nickelodeon and slime have been synonymous with each other since the days of You Can’t Do That On Television in ’79. For decades the corporation has made slime an evolving money maker. When squished around in it’s star shaped container, “Gak” made fart noises and we all know that joke never gets old. The name “Gak” was first used by Marc Summers on the TV show Double Dare when referring to the slime on the show. Of course “gak” was also a street term for heroin but apparently nobody gave a damn. Since ’92 there have been multiple variations of the squishy product which include Gak-In-The-Dark, Solar Gak, Smell My Gak, Gak Pack, Gak’s Alive and Gakoids.

3. MONSTER FACE (Hasbro, 1992)
Pausing this scene in Airheads and for the first time catching a MONSTER FACE box on the shelves almost brought a tear to my eye for two reasons. One, I’ll never forget Christmas morning of ’92 and unwrapping a box to find a demented, oozing skull looking back at me (see the above embarrassing video). And two, my mom “sold” my Monster Face in a yard sale many years later. It’s gone and they now sell for hundreds of dollars on eBay.

I don’t actually remember seeing the Monster Face commercial or seeing him advertised in the Sears Holiday Catalog, so even though I hold resentment, I ‘gotta give props to my parents for seeing this thing in Kaybee Toys and saying yes, our son needs this. Read all about Monster Face here from a TNUC article years ago.

Exhibit 2

4. HOME RUN DERBY (Tiger Electronics, 1992)
“The electronic home run hitting machine!” Home Run Derby came equipped with a digital scoring display, realistic sounds of a ball game and fireworks lighting up on the scoreboard. This wouldn’t have been my cup of tea, but I have no doubt it was a fun time. Check out the commercial above!

5. TOTAL CONTROL RACING (TCR) SPORTS CAR CHALLENGE (Tyco, 1992)
“Pass, Steer, Block!” Plastic racecar track sets were such a blast. These were the types of toys that we’d watch the commercials for and immediately want to replicate the vibe and environment of the commercial set, whether it was a desert storm commando habitat or a blackened room with lights flashing, music pumping, guitar squeals and a commentator shouting things.

6. THE INCREDIBLE CRASH DUMMIES TOYS (Tyco, 1991 – 1994)
I sometimes forget how popular Crash *Test* Dummies toys were. Strangely enough the popularity only lasted about 4 years. The action figure line was modeled after the mannequin characters used in a public service campaign during the late eighties to educate people about wearing seat belts. ‘Vince’ and ‘Larry’ were the original dummies and each one had two “impact buttons” on their torsos that, when pushed, would spring their limbs from their bodies. The toy line launched further into various characters, playsets and of course vehicles. Each toy could be destroyed and later be reassembled. Vehicles came equipped with appropriate safety features such as helmets, airbags, and working seatbelts to promote saving lives from safe usage!

7. MOBILE MASTER WALKIE TALKIES (1990, Sound Master)
What better way to spy on your sister’s friend with the huge cans than with the help of a good old pair of Walkie Talkies? Communicate in Morse code while you hide under a couch fort and your best neighborhood pal hovers under the backyard trampoline.

8. UNKNOWN??
I’m going to need some toy expert assistance on this one because I have no idea what this is. It appears to be a ball shooting came and there’s a “Cap Toys, Inc.” logo on the upper left corner of the box. Dinosaur Dracula and Branded In The 80s…help me out!

Exhibit 3

9) STRETCH ARMSTRONG (Cap Toys, Inc., 1992)
Though he was first introduced in 1979, I don’t think there is a better defining nineties toy than Stretch Armstrong. I haven’t seen or held one in decades but in my mind I can still feel those squishy arms and legs. Did you know that his stretchy body is made of latex rubber filled with gelled corn syrup? This allows “America’s Favorite Stretching Hero” to retain shape for a short time before returning to original form.

The first Stretch wore simply black trunks, but by the time ’92 rolled around, he morphed into a total Venice Beach-bum. Crop-top, gym shorts, blonde mullet and exaggerated smile. An early ancestor of Big Mike Colonia.

Kids went absolutely berserk for Stretch Armstrong. This was one of those toys that caused mass hysteria and didn’t last on shelves more than a few minutes. He was seemingly indestructible as proven by stretching, bending, twisting, pulling and even tying him in knots. Of course, over time he would disintegrate or melt from exposed sun or heat. If you can find an existing one from the 70s or 90s, that means some person kept him in a pristine climate controlled environment, and that person is a psychopath.

10) 2-XL TALKING ROBOT (Tiger Electronics, 1992)
There are three different versions of this big deal robot but the one in Rex’s toy store is the second edition which ran on cassette tapes (previous was 8-track tapes). 2-XL was made by Dr. Michael J. Freeman, Ph.D, an inventor with an interest in educational robots. 2-XL’s basic function was to teach, hence his name, “To Excell.” However this toy robot could also ask questions, play cool music, tell jokes, play games and puzzles. He was meant to be not only educational and entertaining, for children and adults alike.

2-XL gained so much popularity that he even got his own TV game show at this time, called “Pick Your Brain,” with Marc Summers. This show featured a giant, 10 foot tall 2-XL that helped give the topics to the kid contestants.

11) NIGHTMARE THE VHS BOARD GAME DISPLAY (J.W. Spear & Sons, 1991)
Thinking back to childhood days, many times it was something out of left field to generate true nightmares. Something beyond horror movies and television shows. Enter the appropriately titled board game NIGHTMARE.
The scary thing about Nightmare was the creepy bastard “Gatekeeper” host who spoke to players through a VHS tape that would be inserted at the beginning of the game. He would not only lay out the rules of the game but popped up randomly, giving commands and scaring the bejesus out of you.

Nightmare was such an effective board game of the era, specifically the VHS era by capitalizing on the technology. The truly scary part of this game as a kid was that it seemed as though Mr. Gatekeeper really was listening, waiting and watching your every move. His eye movements and spontaneous outbursts kept players on edge to say the least. I know from experience because this is one of only two items on this list that I personally have at home!

12) HORROR MASKS! (miscellaneous)
That’s right, I saved the best for last. Until recently pausing this toy store scene, I never saw the plethora of horror masks that line the upper walls of Rex’s toy aisle! This is exciting because we’ve written many times about how the old shops would keep all the bad ass, expensive Halloween masks up in hard to reach areas of the aisles. It actually made the whole vibe that much scarier as you’d look up and see dozens of grotesque masks looking down at you. They’re easy to miss, but if you zoom up it appears that Pinhead, Michael Myers and Dracula were hot sellers of Clowny’s Toy Shop. And really why wouldn’t they be?

*Thanks for checking out this “I Spy” feature from the all-time classic, Airheads. If you’re thirsty for more, TNUC did a virtual tour of Buzz McCallister’s bedroom from a few years ago over here*

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
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