For most of the year, Uncle T floats through life like a lump of crap, barely surviving on a steady diet of beer, cigarettes and Hungry Man dinners. However, once the holiday season rolls around a different kind of animal is unleashed.
Since “at risk senior” Granny TNUC fled to the mountains of Nicaragua to get away from everyone, this year the family were left with only one option. Let Uncle T handle kitchen duties. In the past this dangerous decision has proved horrible results. Illegal pyrotechnics, adultery, cattle tipping, mopery, divorce, living room mud wrestling pits, crying, overdoses and someone urinating in the kitty litter box. What starts out as something new and exciting turns into a threshold of holiday hell.
So for the last few weeks, an atrocious smell has been wafting from TNUC kitchen headquarters that can best be described as a blend of rosemary, sage, thyme, Cheez Whiz, salami, Orange Julius, a chimpanzee cage and Aqua Net. He strongly forbids anyone from entering the kitchen but ensures guests that his “roast” will be delicious and nutritious. The neighbors have already called the police several times because of “screaming” coming from the kitchen. The department of health were also notified about a strange purple ooze coming from the house and onto the street.
When Thanksgiving day arrives and it’s time to eat, the centerpiece monstrosity that sits before these innocent family members is pure, unadulterated MYSTERY MEAT. This obscene pile of sloppiness should come with warning labels or waivers to sign before eating. “WHAT IS IT?!” they cry out in agony. Off in the corner of the room Uncle T stands, his eyes gleaming with a wild and ravenous light. He whispers that the meal is approved for both carnivores, vegans, gorillas and even babies. Whatever that means. Then he lets out a big belch and Thanksgiving is officially underway.
To celebrate Thanksgiving week, we’ve also provided a soundtrack. Mystery Meat Mix 2: The Second Helping is best served around the dinner table or played for your late night dance party when the food has settled but alcohol has not. Although, my favorite time to listen is while traveling to relative’s houses. This is definitely a proper “road mix”. Mystery Meat Mix 2: The Second Helping is probably the only Thanksgiving mixtape you’ll ever hear, aside from the first Mystery Meat Mix…so please dig in and enjoy.
“Some will laugh. Some will cry. Some will hurl. ALL WILL EAT.”
Leave it to watching Alien movies and drinking ice cold Pepsi to bring me out of my annual post-Halloween-blues slump. Watch the commercial below.
As that Xemomorph stuck out its claw for a can of Pepsi, I felt my whole 2020 year shift in a positive direction. If you disciples were experiencing a similar thing, I strongly recommend watching a bunch of alien and space movies as the autumn season deepens. Something about it just makes a lot of sense.
TNUC has a tasty treat coming next week. But for now, what are some of your favorite sci-fi, alien, space movies?
The crunch of dead leaves, the smell of wood burning stoves, apple cider mills and a four-legged, savage nomad they call The Night Beast. That’s exactly what came to our small town this Autumn season. For most people, 2020 had been dampened by a different threat. Not for the TNUC villagers. The only fear that filled the air was the stench of a lurking maneater they call The Night Beast.
For sorority sweetheart Cindy Davenport, all she thought about that year was how she missed Michael. Each time she attempted to forget him and date other guys, it was pure disappointment. Self-aware wimps, overly-politically correct and worst of all, listened to despicable music. Even when she took a leap of faith and hung out with one of the guys from the local heavy metal circle, he ended up being just a bookworm who loved intricate role-playing board games, his beard and craft beer. Yuck. They just paled in comparison to Michael aka The Night Beast.
Sure, this man she missed happened to be a man covered in fur who wandered the countryside, killing off innocent people and livestock. And yes, he had an insatiable lust for blood, beer and eating Old Man Covington’s entire pumpkin patch in one night. But for all his savagery and killer of the night instincts, he had a compassionate side that only Cindy got to see. He always treated her with respect and could show her a night on the town like no other. Cranking his Dokken bootlegs, galloping through the woods, over streams and under the pale moonlight with Cindy on his back. Then to end the night with candy apples, putt-putt golf and some rolling around in the hay.
When the college held their annual Autumn social, Cindy didn’t feel up for it. She told the other sorority sisters that she’d rather sit in the house and read monster books. A strange sensation of doubt came over her. She searched within her soul and asked why her one true love in this world was a creature from the darkest pits of superstition.
That evening she heard a rustling noise coming from the window trellis. A ghoulishly glowing set of eyes appeared as she got a whiff of stale beer and wet fur. Then an angry mob of villagers with pitchforks and flaming torches could be heard in the distance. HER MAN HAD RETURNED. She knew it was wrong. She knew it was dangerous. But she couldn’t resist. The Night Beast leaped up the side of the house and crashed through her bedroom window.
The angry mob were getting closer and Beast had only a moment to embrace Cindy. He stuck out his paw and handed her a crusty tape with the words NIGHT BEAST 4: THE BEAST IN ME. He snarled, belched and went crashing down the staircase, taking out the 300 pound sorority house mother in his path. Cindy held back her tears as she inserted the cassette into her boombox — but within 15 seconds of listening she smiled a sinister grin. For the very first time she dreamed of transforming into a she-beast and galloping into the night with her lover to devour anything in their path.
1) THE BEAST IN ME
2) DIO – EVIL EYES
3) WARLOCK – KISS OF DEATH
4) FELONY – I’M NO ANIMAL
5) VICTIM – SHE’S A SAVAGE
6) JUSTIN HAYWARD – SOMETHING EVIL, SOMETHING DANGEROUS
7) JOKER – PARTY FOR YOUR LIFE
TRANSFORMATION INTERMISSION (MILES GOODMAN – TRANSFORMATION)
8) KROKUS – NIGHT WOLF
9) JIM MANZIE – THE WAY OF ALL FLESH
10) CRAZY LIXX – KILLER
11) OINGO BOINGO – NO ONE LIVES FOREVER
12) AL FESTA – LIVING AFTER DEATH
13) BLUE ÖYSTER CULT – HARVEST MOON
14) METALLICA – OF WOLF AND MAN
15) POWER GLOVE – HAUNTED
16) JAY CHATTAWAY – LOOKING FOR MR. ONE-EYE
††† HAPPY HALLOWEEN †††
A note from the author: For anyone wondering where “Bark at the Moon”, “Werewolves in London” and countless others are, you need to seek out the previous Night Beast chapters! There’s so much to devour. I’m insanely appreciative of the people who come here and actually read these articles. It’s easy to scroll through the social media dump and call it a day. To those of you I’m talking about, THANK YOU THE MOST!
Just how many tales have been told of a drunken, heavy metal dwarf? The answer is probably not many.
Tonight’s scary story dates back from 1981 when Ozzy Osbourne had a personal dwarf that he used in his live shows for both the Diary of a Madman and Speak of the Devil tours. John Edward Allen aka “Ronnie the Dwarf” was not only featured in the live performances but he also appeared inside of the classic gatefold of the Speak of the Devil album.
During the band’s performances of “Goodbye to Romance”, Ozzy would execute Ronnie on stage by hanging him from a noose. Allen would also make random appearances throughout the show to bring his master booze and towels. Ozzy gave Allen the stage name “Ronnie the Dwarf” as a direct shot to his former Black Sabbath band members and their new vocalist (the legend) Ronnie James Dio.
The story of John Edward Allen begins in Southhampton, Hampshire, England. He was a theater actor who had dreams of making it big in New York City. He would fulfill those dreams by performing in off-Broadway musicals and even had a gig at the White House for Jimmy Carter at one point. He also progressed his career into movies with roles in the 1978 John Carpenter film The Eyes of Laura Mars and 1982’s Bladerunner. The sky was looking bright for Allen aside from some demons he faced in his personal life. One of those demons was a hard alcohol addiction. The little fellow really loved the sauce and this would only skyrocket when meeting up with Ozzy Osbourne(!)
(Pictured right) John Edward Allen in 1982’s Bladerunner.
Borrowed from Dangerousminds.net: On one particular occasion, Ozzy was chatting with a journalist outside the band’s tour bus when a seriously blotto Allen came stumbling by. This pissed off the Prince of Darkness and once Allen was within arms reach, he grabbed him and threw him inside the luggage compartment of the bus, leaning on the door so Allen couldn’t get out. The journalist recoiled in shock (which I find hilarious, because OZZY), then stammered at Osbourne telling him his treatment of Allen was uncalled for. Ozzy allegedly responded by telling the journalist he could do “what he liked with him” because he was “my dwarf.” Following this bizarre proclamation, Allen’s voice arose from the luggage compartment saying:
“He’s right, you know. I’m his dwarf, and he can do what he likes with me…”
When guitarist Randy Rhodes and four other people died after a plane crash during the North American leg of the Diary of a Madman tour, Ozzy’s drinking and drug use soared to new levels. Allen also paralleled this behavior and things progressively got worse for the whole tour. He continued to swing from the noose on stage during the Speak of the Devil shows. When the tour wrapped up, Allen was either fired by Ozzy or he moved on. The truth is up for debate.
Allen appeared in a few more films and then tragically committed suicide from overdose in 1999 at the young age of 49.
Rest In Peace John Edward Allen! We could send him off in typical TNUC fashion by listening to a bunch of Ozzy songs, but since the Prince of Darkness probably tormented the man enough, I have a better idea…
With all due respect to the man, when I first heard about this little Halloween project called Fiendish Imp, my mind went immediately to Ronnie the Drunken Dwarf. This lo-fi dungeon synth EP came out in 2018 and features three short tracks that are perfect in their village evilness. Enjoy.
Speaking of fiendish imps, here’s a photo of my Uncle Gabe who my family hasn’t spoken to since “the incident”.
Without question, the breakout hit of last year’s Halloween mixtape was ‘Children of the Night’, borrowed from the soundtrack to Maniac Cop 2.
I know nothing about the artist, but it’s hard to believe a man named ‘Buddy Miles’ could create such a sinister and sexy tune. It also perfectly encapsulates a city-terror vibe that I’ve always been fascinated with. It literally sounds like a song that should only be played in back alleys and seedy strip bars.
Download Buddy Miles – Children of the Night
The “horror in the big city” genre could become a Halloween mixtape someday all on its own. I love film depictions of terror-soaked cities with silhouette figures, desolate parks, dim streetlights, prostitutes, pushcart vendors, steam coming up from sewer grates, wet alleys and a shadowy guy in a trenchcoat.
Have you ever been stalked by a city slasher? Felt eyes watching you in the park? Followed home by a prostitute with a large Adams apple?
Please continue listening to ‘Children of the Night’ on repeat and then report back to TNUC.
Trick or Treat, Black Roses, Rock N Roll Nightmare, Rocktober Blood, Hard Rock Zombies…
Freddy Krueger and Dokken, Jason Voorhees and Alice Cooper, The Ghoulies and W.A.S.P…
You know them. You love them. You covet them. They are your horror + heavy metal lifeblood.
Since we all know that horror and heavy metal is a delicious sandwich that’s impossible to get sick of, it sure is nice when you discover a nasty new nugget that’s been buried in the ground and in need of a lightning bolt resurrection.
Today that’s about to happen with the song “Killer Machine” by a band called THE SEX MUTANTS from the 1989 goofball movie I Was A Teenage Sex Mutant (aka Dr. Alien). Strap in and turn this molten heat up to eleven!
The song is such a ripper and once that chug-a-chug, butthead riff starts at 0:43 seconds, you know things are about to get gnarly. And how about that performance? While the band members do just fine strutting their stuff, they’re overpowered by the singer’s cocaine-fueled mission from Satan on stage! It really makes me miss going to concerts.
I’ve still never seen the film but from my perspective this clip is the best thing about it. Apparently the plot revolves around a virgin nerd in school named Wesley (played by Billy Jacoby) who ends up doing it with a sex-starved substitute teacher who injects some sort of serum in him. Wesley starts to change and becomes more confident. He eventually joins the band The Sex Mutants as the lead singer (prior to this, he played classical piano).
A soundtrack to Dr. Alien definitely doesn’t exist, but here’s a download of the song for your October playlists! I would like to dedicate this song to all you midnight maniacs who’d give anything for a ghoul’s night out with some friends, live music and sudsy beer.
Uncle T’s team of researchers just discovered that “Killer Machine” is actually a cover and originally done by the band Lancelot. The original track below is a much more refined and slower tempo version. Still pretty rad…but I’m a Sex Mutants supporter all the way.