“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”
– Henry David Thoreau
The quiet solitude of nature, birds chirping and autumn’s majestic beauty weren’t the only things occupying the woods last weekend near the TNUC lair. A 30-year-old rubber latex RAMBO mask was hanging out down several paths of woodland serenity as well.
Just watch (and turn ↑ the volume):
This totally insane piece of high art hails from 1988 and was made by a company in France known for their horror masks called Cesar Masquerade. Looking over the factory’s enormous catalog of monsters, demons, ogres, werewolves and deranged freaks, I swear to you that nothing matches the sheer terror of this Rambo mask. The facial expression is pure Stallone. The hair is perfect.
This mask also strangely resembles every pizza cook I’d accidentally make eye contact with as a kid in the back of greasy pizza parlors.
Do you think Thoreau and Rambo would’ve got along? Henry could have taught John how to write poetry, while the warrior could’ve shown the philosopher how to aim explosive arrow torque tips at people’s heads.
I’m still in awe of this mask and how by a stroke of luck I found it. Now it’s time to put on the mask and shovel snow in the driveway…
Keeping up with discussions on all-things-Rocky and Stallone, now is probably a good time to shine a spotlight on the ravishing blonde powerhouse (and no, we don’t mean Ivan Drago).
Mention the name BRIGITTE NIELSEN in a typical crowd and I’m willing to bet the response will be an eye roll, smirk, sigh, the “ugh” sound or a quick chuckle. What those people fail to remember is that for all the wonky choices she’s made in her career and public life, BOY has she made some good ones and MAN do they outweigh the bad! In fact, most of her work (both creatively and publicly) fits right in the TNUC wheelhouse.
Allow Uncle T to break it down into three categories…
1) THE FILMS.
The 6’1″ Danish platinum princess made her on screen debut in 1985 with the fantasy juggernaut Red Sonja, playing the title character in this now-forgotten sword and sorcery action film. Not a very good movie by any means, but still better than 4,000 other far more terrible barbarian movies. Arnold Schwarzenegger co-stars, following the blockbuster success of Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer. To be honest. the movie has its flaws but is worthy of a revisit even just for the tantalizing visuals of busty nomads and loin cloths galore.
1985 continued to be a strong year for Brigitte as she landed the role of Drago’s wife in Rocky IV and then went on to marry Sylvester Stallone! (More on that later). ‘Gitte and Sly made Cobra the following year where she played the damsel in distress being night-stalked around the city and dimly lit parking garages. To me, it’s her strongest cinematic performance to date. In 1987 she landed her last major motion picture role in Beverly Hills Cop II, followed by a string of bombs including Bye Bye Baby, Domino, 976-Evil II and oodles of straight-to-video disasters over the next decade.
Her run may have been limited — but who cares? Examine that power pack of films…Red Sonja, Rocky IV, Cobra and Beverly Hills Cop II! Oh and you can add this to the mix: rumor has it that Brigitte was a big contributor to the casting of Stallone’s arm-wrestling/truck driving extravaganza OVER THE TOP. We owe her a debt of gratitude if that’s true.
2) THE MEN.
If there’s one thing Brigitte has done right in her life, it’s her plethora of great men! Married 5 times with 5 kids (the latest she recently gave birth to at 55 years old!), her lengthy list of male talent includes Sylvester Stallone, Mark Gastinau (NY Jets) and Flavor Flav…just to name a few. While the marriage to Stallone only lasted 19 months, one can only imagine the wild adventures a power couple of that caliber experienced. Sexual exploits, action movie role-playing, exotic encounters, the finest cuisine, nights in Milan…just the works.
In her autobiography, she revealed details about an affair with Schwarzenegger during the filming of Red Sonja, a promiscuous one night stand with Sean Penn and a bubble bath with that homely redheaded singer from Simply Red.
3) THE MUSIC?
Not many people know about Brigitte’s attempt at a music career. The model-turned-actress-turned-singer released two albums, the first effort Every Body Tells a Story in 1987. The single was a duet with pop star Falco of “rock me Amadeus” fame. It became a top 30 hit in Italy but even with the help of Giorgio Moroder, the track failed to capture the hearts of most and win the world over. Check it out:
Not the worst. Certainly not the best. Let’s cleanse our pallets by blasting the fuck out of ‘Angel of the City’ from the Cobra soundtrack featuring our blonde powerhouse and a sexy robot shoot. Stallone really had a thing for robots.
I hope you enjoyed digging into the career of Brigitte Nielsen. For the reasons explained, I’ve always found her to be a little bit fascinating. Now go watch Rocky IV and Creed II!
We’re now less than a week away from CREED II arriving in theaters, the highly anticipated revenge story following Russian monster Ivan Drago boxing Apollo Creed to death in Rocky IV.
I repeat…IT’S 2018 AND WE’RE ABOUT TO GET A REVENGE STORY FROM IVAN DRAGO BOXING APOLLO CREED TO DEATH IN ROCKY IV!!!
Naturally it seems like everyone is stoked for this movie, but in my opinion the excitement still isn’t enough as it should be through the roof. When Stallone announced last year that the project was actually happening, Uncle T totally lost his marbles, blasting James Brown’s “Living in America” repeatedly while doing naked cartwheels across his front lawn for twenty minutes. Rocky IV is one of my favorite movies of all time. The gripping story, soundtrack, training sequences, best montages in existence, Cold War themes, sexy robot, Rocky’s Lamborghini Jalpa. It’s a perfect motion picture and therefore this was a monumental announcement.
After the first Creed movie came out in 2015, TNUC and his colleagues talked endlessly about what it would be like to get a follow up story involving the Soviet killer Ivan Drago. Now after decades of watching Rocky IV, suddenly here comes the story of Apollo’s son, Adonis, ready to avenge the death of his father by fighting Ivan’s son, Viktor Drago.
Apollo was a critical opponent for Rocky Balboa and became both a mentor and good friend. But my biggest takeaway from the Apollo character is how much he loved America. Nobody cherished the United States like this son of a bitch. His flamboyant and over the top ring entrance with James Brown is still the first thing I think about when waking up on July 4th every single year since I can remember.
Let’s take a moment and revisit the scene…
This is another reason why I’m chomping at the bit to see justice given to those evil Soviets who killed one of my favorite American heroes.
If you’ve been sickened by this scene for the last 33 years, TNUC is right there with you. Now is the time to harness that rage and get out this week to watch Apollo’s son Adonis take down the Russians piece by piece in CREED II. The anticipation I’m feeling right now is more powerful than anything I’ve ever experienced for a sporting event.
Right after you’ve played the Rocky IV soundtrack 7,000 times this week, how about revisiting DRAGO’S POWER HOUR mixtape from last year? As much as Uncle T can’t wait to see the Drago family get pummeled, we still idolized the character enough to make a 50 min. music mix dedicated to the man.
Since everyone’s gone mental over the new Halloween movie (for good reasons because it RULED), Uncle T carved up a quick tribute pumpkin to the bastard child installment, 1982’s Halloween III: Season of the Witch, zeroing in on the disgusting mask scene in the factory where creepy crawlers pour out of Little Buddy’s skull!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN disciples. What are your plans tonight? If nothing, what wild adventures did you encounter this season? Tell us in the comment section!
The grunt. The snarl. The BELCH. Grab your pitchforks and burning torches ladies and gentlemen because HE’S BACK.
It had been over two years since the last sighting of the beast (Night Beast Part 2) and four years since the nasty savage of the night went his very first slaughtering spree (Night Beast Part 1). But just when townsfolk thought life was safe again, the stench of NIGHT BEAST entered the air, signifying a return to complete his trilogy of terror.
On the evening of a full moon just 6 days before Halloween, local grouchy bastard Old Man Covington was puttering around his barn when he heard a few grizzly burps and was engulfed in a foul haze in the air that he described to smell like a mixture of stale beer, Brut cologne and wet fur. He looked through the barn window and saw a mountain of empty beer cans, some half eaten, and a “Hot Ladies of 1986” wall calendar hung neatly above a bail of hay. What he witnessed next sent the old man running for his life and fumbling for his shotgun. Protruding out from one of the horse’s stalls was a massive, hairy leg with claws, wrapped in a pair of tropical shorts. Shivers went up his spine as he realized who it could only be.
When authorities and the angry town militia arrived, they figured NIGHT BEAST was hanging around the barn due to all the livestock. This actually wasn’t the case. Old Man Covington’s property was directly beside a sorority of one of the local universities where the BEAST’s ex-girlfriend (and one true love) once lived. He had been stalking the sorority on a nightly basis…stealing frozen dinners, beer, chips and panties.
When BEAST eventually discovered that his ex graduated from the university some 25 years ago, he was utterly devastated. His conception of time was severely skewed during the transformation sequence into becoming NIGHT BEAST.
This sent him into a bloodthirsty rage. Before galloping into town for a midnight feast, he spent the next few hours brewing what would be his 3rd and final opus in the NIGHT BEAST trilogy. On a lo-fi boombox from JC Penney, he created NIGHT BEAST 3-D and left it on the doorstep of the sorority.
1) SAMMY TERRY INTRO
2) WARRIOR – DAY OF THE EVIL (BEWARE)
3) MÖTLEY CRÜE – KNOCK ‘EM DEAD KID
4) PAUL SABU – ANGEL’S FIRST VICTIM
5) DOKKEN – NIGHTRIDER
6) JOE LAMONT – FLESH TO FLESH
7) RANDY – VICTIM OF THE NIGHT
8) HEAVY LOAD – MONSTERS OF THE NIGHT
9) OBSESSION – DESPERATE TO SURVIVE
10) THE DUDES OF WRATH – SHOCKER
11) WARREN ZEVON – WEREWOLVES OF LONDON
12) IRON MAIDEN – FEAR OF THE DARK
13) CARPENTER BRUT – BEWARE THE BEAST
14) JAY CHATTAWAY – MAKING THE SILVER BULLET
††† HAPPY HALLOWEEN †††
Download the mixtape here!
A note from Uncle TNUC: Serious thanks to everyone who’s supported this site. In the age of distractions and small attention spans, it means a lot to me when you come here and actually read these articles, listen to mixtapes and browse the archive. I am the keymaster and you are the gatekeepers!
Earlier this month I spent an afternoon feeling like I was inside the movie Silver Bullet.
The peaceful community of Ashfield, Massachusetts was holding their annual Harvest Festival and I could have sworn at any moment, I’d look into the trees and see a beast lurking in the shadows, waiting for darkness. There was something about this picturesque area that reminded me so much of Stephen King’s fictional town of Tarker’s Mills in the 1985 classic werewolf film, Silver Bullet.
It could have been the general landscape of the town; the chapel, trees, old fire station, cozy community folk, pop-up tents selling baked goods or just that fresh smell of autumn in the air, but for the life of me I couldn’t shake the feeling. Not that I wanted to at all.
Stephen King movie adaptations have always hit home with Uncle T, from growing up in the Northeast and taking trips to Maine. Walking through a town like this and imagining a bloodthirsty werewolf stalking a quiet community is where my imagination goes from these movies being such a part of my psyche. Still, I didn’t do anything drastic like walk up to a police officer and ask if there were any old-world craftsmen in the town who could cast silver.
But if a kid strapped to a chrome wheelchair started whizzing down the street with a drunk uncle cheering him on, I would have lost it.
Speaking of drunk uncles, TNUC is long overdue to pay respects to the one and only UNCLE RED.
Uncle Red is of course the legendary uncle of 13 year-old Marty Caslow (Corey Haim). The character is played seemingly effortlessly by Gary Busey, who knocks this performance out of the ballpark by being such a natural fun-loving, generous, heart-in-the-right-place, drunken uncle.
Marty’s parents are slightly overly protective since he’s confined to a wheelchair, which allows Uncle Red to swoop in and treat him like gold. Whether it’s staying up past his bedtime to play board games, buying fireworks or oh yeah, building him a custom “Silver Bullet” high-powered turbo wheelchair, he’s the uncle many of us cherished as a kid.
Of course like all classic, sauce-loving uncles of cinema, this good-natured soul has his demons. Red’s sister (Marty’s mom) disapproves of his behavior and thinks he’s a bad influence on Marty. Truth of the matter is, Marty needs someone who doesn’t pity him or make him feel less than others, and that’s exactly what Uncle Red is all about!
Ease up on the Wild Turkey, Uncle Red. We love ya.
In the meantime, TNUC will be here waiting until the moon is full.