CASTLE TNUC [Chapter 1].

WELLLCOMMMEEEE KIDDIES! 

It happened when the clock struck midnight on September 30th, the eve of October. Those frequent detention hall delinquents (Ricky, Linda, Snake and Roxie) were roaming the local carnival at the wee hours of the night, trying their best to hide from the fat security guard who who was too distracted by the leftover fried dough and cold hot dogs he was scarfing down from the day. Once they hopped the bushes behind The Devil’s Tower, it started to all soak in – the carnival shrouded in darkness, the absolute silence and the unnerving stillness. As they dusted their leather and flannels and took one last lungful of the wet, chilly air, Ricky pulled out a Winston from his back pocket, put it up to his lips and flicked the lighter. They belonged to the night.

Suddenly a faint, rhythmic sound was heard in the distance. It was coming from behind the trailers and carny compounds where all the sideshow carnies slept at night. God it reeked back there. As they approached a little closer, it became clear that it was heavy metal music blaring from a crappy PA system. Who could it be? The bearded lady and walrus boy getting it on? A bunch of teenage brats having a drinking party? The latter simply couldn’t be possible since Uncle T and his goons run this boardwalk during these hours of the night.

As the music grew louder, it started to become so dark that it was nearly impossible to see two inches in front of their faces. Everything around them simply blackened…the trees, ground and surroundings. A dizzying effect took over. They were forced to their knees as if they were being pushed down by some ghastly entity in the air.

They looked up and gazed upon a radical airbrushed fortress that was bathed in heavenly glow…

Could this be heaven…or could it be hell?!? Who cares! They all looked at each other and shouted simultaneously “WE WANT IN!”  (to be continued…)

STAY TUNED FOR CHAPTER 2!

[Calling all deviants, weirdos, freaks, jocks, dweebs, sluts, ghouls and ghoulettes! Welcome to the 2017 TNUC Halloween season! Inspired by carnival funhouses, pretzel dark rides and seedy county fairs, Castle TNUC is a dreamland for anyone who enjoys rubber monsters, hairy beasts and busty boogeybabes. So step right up and get your tickets to Castle TNUC paradise! Pay to get in…PRAY to get out!]

Huge thanks and appreciation to Cody Kaufman who killed it with this year’s artwork!

SLASHBACK VIDEO!

Who can recall their first glimpse at VHS horror tapes? How about when you actually had to leave your house to rent one?

If you grew up in the golden era of VHS and home video, you probably have nostalgic feelings about the whole thing. Almost every day I hear someone bumming over the reality that video stores are long gone and how charming it was to roam down aisles of videos, checking out the striking artwork.

Well, pretend for a moment that the video rental store downfall never happened.
Now get ready to enter a dream land of video horror splendor…

Welcome to Burbank, California’s SLASHBACK VIDEO, where nothing has changed and 1980’s horror is king! DOUBLE FUCK YES.

Housed inside Bearded Lady’s Mystic Museum in Burbank, Slashback Video is an artwork installation and tribute to mom and pop video stores of yesteryear. The temporary pop-up shop is a collaboration between the museum and Ryan Turek, horror movie lover and Director of Development at Blumhouse Productions.


Above, Uncle T devoting some quality time to work the cash register.

Below, Uncle T locating tapes for local customers with busty-lusty long butts.  

To say these people did a phenomenal job is an understatement. Slashback Video doesn’t just look like a horror rental store, it FEELS like one. It’s packed with atmosphere and reeks of golden nostalgia. The poster-plastered walls and racks of videos are detailed and set up just right to achieve that authentic and effortless look that existed during the mom and pop video store era.

…Like it’s understandable that a bunch of horror genre disciples created this magic, but one blink and it could’ve easily been setup by that local greaseball shop owner Norm. (The one with the lazy eye!)

For those living in California, get off the internet immediately and get down to Slashback Video! Nothing compares to experiencing this in person. For people in other parts of the country and world, sit back and let Uncle T be your virtual guide…

Movie maniacs and curious browsers enjoy aisles of videos, wall-to-wall posters, popcorn, soda, candy and those cardboard cutout things.


Yes, they are real VHS tapes borrowed from personal collections of some of the creators.


Even the register slays! On the bottom shelf are 6-packs of Crystal Pepsi and Surge! I’m ready to retire and become a janitor here.


These righteous rulers also included the absolutely mandatory ADULTS ONLY section! I bet there’s a Peter North poster behind that curtain.


A section at the front of the store titled “Artist’s Picks” featured custom artwork by artists (such as my pal Marc of Sadist Art Designs) taking a stab at their favorite box covers. This 3D Critters box art (forgot to grab the artist’s name) was one of my favorites.

SLASHBACK VIDEO!
live @ Bearded Lady’s Mystic Museum
3204 W. Magnolia Blvd
Burbank, CA 91505

DAYTONA THUNDER.

At the very ass end of summer TNUC always demands a proper send off. Right before things start to get pretty exciting around here (OCTOBER!), we can’t say bon voyage to the balmy months without one final clenched fist in the air, screaming like a horny gorilla chasing lady apes in the jungle.

Uh, what the heck does that mean? It means that last weekend Uncle T had a private screening of the 1990 fast-action blockbuster DAYS OF THUNDER…and man did it do the trick. Talk about a power hour and 47 minutes of motion picture adrenaline! This movie really does have it all. Fast cars, great hair, hot romance, emotions escalating, risky moves, tight denim, neon ballcaps, homoeroticism (though nothing compared to Top Gun), sunburst cinematography, extreme product placements and last but certainly not least…Cole Fucking Trickle.



It’s easy to grasp the reality that Tom Cruise was experiencing probably the biggest mega-stardom of his career right before Days of Thunder came out. This movie followed in the footsteps of Risky Business, Rainman, Cocktail and Top Gun just to name a few. Days of Thunder is sort of like Top Gun’s dumb little brother. Also, this was the summer of 1990 and everything on screen had a certain air of crispiness to achieve that cinematic awe. It might be a big dumb movie about dickhead NASCAR drivers, but man did it look good!

By the time Cole Trickle storms the big race in Daytona, I’m already 13 Zimas deep and my eyes are bulging out of my sockets. This type of hot action just doesn’t grace the big screen these days. When the credits hit, I’m feeling more alive than I’ve felt in a long time, although the credit music is a bit underwhelming during this euphoria. It’s fine and all, but let’s just say it’s a far cry from Point Break’s end credits featuring Ratt’s ‘Nobody Rides for Free’.

But one tune immediately came to mind hence the title and that’s Russ Chimes’ ‘Daytona’. It’s been years since I’ve heard the track and we haven’t posted anything Valerie Collective related in some time, so we’re definitiely due for a revisit.

Blast this into oblivion, feel the engine roar and join Uncle T in bidding a final farewell to summer.
 

 
Don’t forget to stay hydrated with a frosty Mello Yello as you sit back in your big boy chair tonight to watch Days of Thunder (currently streaming on Amazon Prime)!

Too fired up and need a piece of the action now? Do an eBay search for “Days of Thunder” promo stuff and vintage merchandise. There’s literally endless hats, shirts, posters, visors and other promotional crap. The marketing on this movie saw no limit and why should it have really?

WENDY’S SUPERBAR.

As fast food establishments go, Wendy’s has always been a slight cut above the rest. Maybe they weren’t as fun as their gimmicky competitors, but what Lord Dave Thomas and his disciples lacked in kiddie gimmicks and promotional tie-ins was made up for with slightly better food, therefore making you not feel like a total lump of lard, like the post-nuclear effects of eating McDonald’s or Burger King.

When the company unleashed the SUPERBAR in 1988, Wendy’s rose to the upper echelon.

The SuperBar was a total hodgepodge of interracial food fornication, spread out on three buffet tables under beautiful, beaming, fluorescent light. The epic spread featured a culture clash of frightening concoctions not for the faint of heart. Tacos? Spaghetti? Greek Salad? Mystery meat? Pudding? SURE THING…LINE UP KIDS!

The SuperBar layout was made up of three stations: “THE GARDEN SPOT”, “PASTA PASTA” and “MEXICAN FIESTA”. You’d begin by skipping directly over the green nonsense at “The Garden Spot” and sail over to the island of “Pasta Pasta” (cool name). Get that plate loaded to the brim with freeze dried macaroni and your choice of alfredo or tomato sauce so generic it would make Little Cesears sauce look fancy. Then head south of the border into “Mexican Fiesta” and slap a big enchilada (w/ mystery meat) on top of everything. But wait! Turn around and go back to the “The Garden Spot” to clothesline everyone because you somehow skipped the little corner by the salad dressing containing chocolate pudding with your name written all over it. Add that to your plate of destruction…all for the kids lunch special price of $2.99!

Enjoy the commercial break:

Is TNUC guilty of raving and embellishing a bit to make the SuperBar sound better than it actually was? Maybe, but I think we can all agree that these commercials are an immediate mood lifter. Something about the grainy looking video mixed with goofy music and extreme-close-ups of food is pure comfort viewing.

Check out what counselor Brenda scored last weekend at the SuperBar following a long day at the water park. She claims the Wendy’s manager gave it to her because she was “nice” but we all know it came from him getting one look at her massive mammaries in that Camp TNUC halter top! 

CRUDE DUDE RECORD REVIEW #6.

||| If you’re new to the “Crude Dude Record Reviews” chronicles, the following is part of an on-going series that you’ll first be required to read about in an official “manifesto” at this location |||

CRUDE DUDE RECORD REVIEW #6
 BABYLON A.D. – SELF-TITLED (1989)
Review by: Mike Ballermann 

Once upon a time, on a Saturday in 1990, a true-2-the-bone Crude Dude awoke at noon while still sporting his Nike Force shorts and pink Body Glove shirt. He began sobering up following last night’s win at the beer shotgunnin’ contest at the arcade by smashin’ three fistfuls of Ralston’s Batman Cereal into his bowl, totally neglecting the fact that his paper route should’ve been done five hrs earlier. He kicked his Air Jordan IV hi-tops on the coffee table, sunk deep into the couch and hit the play button on his VCR to catch last night’s recording of MTV’s “Headbangers Ball”. This is what he saw…


San Francisco’s BABYLON A.D. are truly one of the most underrated forgotten gems of the Crude Dude era. Their 1989 self-titled debut album is considered a true classic among the Crude Dude community worldwide. So why did these kids never get the fame and credit of Mötley or Cinderella?

For starters, like many other bands at the tail end of the decade and beginning of the 1990’s, the piss-poor cover artwork didn’t help their cause. What is that actually supposed to depict? Liquid heroin? The designer must’ve been heavily chasin’ the dragon when he created this trash. But similar to other Crude Dude bands that dropped the ball with shitty artwork, you quickly learn not to judge by the lame visuals that haunted this era. Just look at the first Lynch Mob’s Wicked Sensation and Ratt’s Detonator!

The Babylon A.D. boys deliver a very pissed-off and coherent record on this debut (all killer, no filler!) The groovy opener ‘Bang Go the Bells’ is a sleazy, mid-tempo anthem made for those way too young to be denim & leather biker criminals.

This Crude gang certainly did their homework, music and style-wise. The hardest tune on the record, ‘The Kid Goes Wild’ was featured in Robocop 2, an underrated flick as well.

This song has it all. Police siren intro over guitar feedback, killer riffage, a window-shattering high scream by singer Derek Davis, lyrics that perfectly describe the Crude Dude way of life and one HARD hitting, mega pissed-off chorus to instantly ignite a punchfest at your local bar. Those sick screams over the final break of the song get you into high energy/high testosterone/high emotion mode on every conceivable level.

Be sure to bust out this track at maxxximum volume my crude brothers! Goin’ mental guaranteed! ‘The Kid Goes Wild’ is also featured on Uncle T and Big Mike’s infamous “Two Crude Dudes: Part Deux” megamix.

The hottest song on the LP has to be “Shot O’ Love”. This 6-minute über-power ballad eases into your senses thanks to the acoustic intro by Dan de la Rosa which is so pure and classy, the dude must’ve recorded it on a desert mountain wearing nothing but a purple bandana, loincloth and cowboy boots, while his lion’s mane waved in the wind. When the vocals kick in and the second guitar solo howls in the back, that initial heavy riff hits like a wrecking ball and grooves your mind straight to the final scene of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Blast this steamy slice on the tape-deck of a 1988 Camaro Iroc-Z while prowlin’ the streets of abandoned industrial parks under a full moon…then get ready for a Crude Dude time & space melting experience!

CRUDE DUDE RICHTER SCALE = 5/5 PERSONAL PAN PIZZAS! 

Buy it here!

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