TOO YOUNG TO DIE.
Posted on February 25, 2016 1 Comment
Another crushing blow to TNUC’s entire universe came last week with the sudden death of Vanity a.k.a. Denise Matthews, the former film star and musician who passed away from kidney failure at the far too young age of 57. In a short period of time Vanity created a string of pop music on her own and in Prince’s protégé girl group Vanity 6, some of which still gets played in clubs and on the radio. In the mid-eighties she ventured into film and television, starring in a handful of movies alongside greats like Carl Weathers, Sharon Stone, Jamie Lee Curtis, Roy Sheider, Gene Simmons and of course, John Stamos.
In her prime years before drugs began to take their toll, Vanity was the sultriest sex panther in cinema. Even those who had doubts on her acting abilities couldn’t help but gaze at the screen in awe. She had a presence that was unmatched. Apollonia who?
This weekend we urge everyone to carve out a little time to watch some Vanity movies. Here’s an easy start to your vanity-insanity weekend:
The Last Dragon (1985) :: Never Too Young to Die (1986) :: Action Jackson (1988)
These three should keep you busy for a while, but if 2 a.m. rolls around and you’re thirsty for more, seek out her overlooked films like Tanya’s Island, 52 Pick-Up and Neon City. Then when the sun comes up, grab a bowl of French Toast Crunch and just start watching Never Too Young to Die repeatedly until your eyes ooze out of your skull. It’ll be worth it.
To celebrate Vanity’s contributions to pop culture, let’s dive into some music. We could listen to a steamy anthem like ‘Pretty Mess’ or the haunting ‘Samuelle’ (TNUC’s personal favorite)…or maybe ‘Nasty Girl’ from Vanity 6, which rose to #7 on the U.S. Billboard “Hot Black Singles” chart in 1982…
Nah. Instead, we’re choosing a song not even sung by the tantalizing temptress. Just press play and allow your trusty Uncle to explain.
Never Too Young to Die disciples should immediately rise up out of their seats like John Stamos under the seductive spell of Vanity when this song starts playing. The song is of course from the over the top scene in the movie involving Perrier water, an apple, a pair of white slacks, Stamos and our red hot vixen in her absolute prime. This track from the movie’s unreleased soundtrack will always remind me of her, even though the person cited in the credits is an artist named Dee Dee Bellson. The song also has extra special meaning around these parts because this particular scene was featured in the 1st post ever on this website. Enough teasing. It’s time to revisit.
Unfortunately our babe of power partied a bit too hard, as her drug problems have been well documented in the media over the past twenty years. She battled crack addition into the nineties and in 1992 told Joan Rivers she felt as though she’d been possessed by demons and that a friend had found her levitating three feet off her bed.
Although her raunchy relationships with high profile people like Prince, Billy Idol and Nikki Sixx of Mötley Crüe are no doubt stuff of legend (read Nikki Sixx’s “The Heroin Diaries”), hopefully we’ve persuaded some people to look past the dark times most will remember about Vanity.
Our flags will remain half mass throughout the season. The stone masons and sculptors are already hard at work on a marble statue of Vanity to be chiseled onto the front steps of Castle TNUC.
Rest in Power.
FEBRUARY’S LOCAL HOT SPOT OF THE MONTH: THE DOUBLE DEUCE.
Posted on February 17, 2016 7 Comments
IT HAD TO BE DONE.
The original honky-tonk slaughterhouse! The place they sweep up the eyeballs after closing! The only establishment where you can get laid, smash bottles over stranger’s heads, walk around shirtless and get into a fight all under a single roof! Ladies and gentlemen, for February’s Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month, please climb in the back of Uncle T’s 1964 Buick Riviera for a long, smokey ride into the belly of Jasper, Missouri as we closely examine the DOUBLE DEUCE.
*Ease the seat back, reach for a Miller Genuine Draft longneck (sober disciples can grab a cup of stale black coffee), tear open the shittiest cigarettes money can buy and get ready to enter our favorite “hot spot” of all eternity.*
Before we begin I’d like to note that watching Road House is way more than just watching some movie. The energy of these scenes makes me feel like I’m a spectator at a concert or some sort of live action, once in a lifetime event. Sometimes I refuse to believe that these people are actors. Really WATCH these people. When was the last time you saw this many realistic looking deadbeats in a movie? They’re like the drunks that hang around with that uncle your family barely visits. Not people you should follow, but absolutely worth listening to and examining. Then add the bluesy, no-bullshit attitude of the songs playing in the movie and it’s just a pure spectacle. It’s nasty…it’s dangerous, but at the same time comforting, if that makes any sense.
DANCING SHIRTLESS GUY.
The Double Deuce(s) were the mecca of deadbeats and lost legends. We pluralize it because to truly honor the legacy of the place, everyone needs to come to terms that there are TWO Double Deuce bars. One, the snake-piss sleazefest at the beginning of Road House and two, the place that was cleaned up by philosopher-turned-bouncer, Dalton. Although it was sad to bid farewell to that drunken hellhole/degenerate nest from the beginning of the film, the newly reformed DD still packed plenty of good intended sleaze – only this time you could make it to last call without catching herpes. Rock on!
Enter at your own risk. Prepare to be engulfed with smoke and watch out for flying beer bottles!
“Ooooh, Mercedes. Hey hot shot, what’s wrong with De-troit cars?!”
Amazing blind guitarist Jeff Healey and his band perform behind chicken wire in hopes to shield them from being pelted with beer bottles and cigarette butts while doing their damnedest to entertain folks. Tough crowd!
Another hot night at the Deuce! DANCING SHIRTLESS GUY AGAIN.
“I get off at 2:00 and I would just love to get you off about a half hour after that.”
Drunk guy passed out on the bar!
Classic scene when the bar’s manager changes ‘FOR A GREAT FUCK’ to ‘FOR A GREAT BUICK’. A closer look reveals other amusing graffiti like ‘hairpie’, ‘eat this’, ‘take a chance Linda’ and more.
“Ever seen a fairer pair of attitudes? For twenty bucks, you can kiss ’em!” Check out the receding hairline creeper to the left.
FIGHT!
Question on the job application for being a bouncer at the Double Deuce: “Can you hoist people up in the air and toss them into tables?”. Needless to say, Morgan got the job. Even DANCING SHIRTLESS GUY looks impressed.
Typical night at the DD. Check out Morgan on the right still tossing customers over his head. In the world of wrestling that’s called a ‘gorilla press slam’. Oh, and he’s wearing giant wrestling boots.
Dalton’s not amused. Passed out drunk guy couldn’t care less.
ONLY American beer on tap (Miller Genuine Draft and Miller Lite).
Local horny bimbos are always a plus.
Underage girls using Sear’s credit cards as I.D.’s, then getting snuck in by Steve the bouncer.
Ah yes, Steve the bouncer. He’s caught with his “regular Saturday night thang” in the back by Dalton and fired on the spot. Slightly harsh call. Steve was one of our most beloved Deadbeats of the Month in 2014.
ONLY American vehicles in the Deuce parking lot…including a Ford Bronco, Ford “Bigfoot” and a ton of Buicks.
“RIGHT BOOT”.
These are of course just glimpses into the depravity found at the original DD. Like Dalton says, “there are way too many 40-year old adolescents, felons, power drinkers and trustees of modern chemistry”. As for the renovated Double Deuce, a slew of new features were introduced including red polo shirts, a carpeted stage, removal of the chicken wire, neon signs, friendlier clientele and a certain mystical icon known as WADE GARRETT.
It’s hard for TNUC to casually sit down and watch Road House. As soon as Jeff Healey’s guitar starts and I hear a punching/jabbing sound effect, I’m forced to start drinking and raise my fist in the air. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever watched Road House completely sober.
Thanks for reading about February’s notorious, local hot-spot. Don’t forget to check out last month’s hot spot while you’re here!
PAUL’S MOTORCYCLE MIXTAPE.
Posted on February 8, 2016 6 Comments
When news broke last December that Brooke McCarter had passed at the young age of 52, the ground shook and lightning struck down in the Land of TNUC. Not only do we consider The Lost Boys to be one of the finest works of art/cinema, but honestly if this movie didn’t exist — this place might not either.
Growing up watching this movie, there was no badder and radder gang of misfits than “Paul” and those vamp brothers of his. Brooke McCarter’s portrayal of Paul personified everything this place strives for in terms of looks, style and brute ‘tude. His dialogue in the movie may have been brief – but the clothes, boots, motorcycle, moussed hair, single earring and shadowy mysteriousness created something bigger than words could have done.
In a non-planned and organic sort of situation, Paul became the “Manimal” mascot for the Land of TNUC. I’ve attempted to change mascots and start completely new on several occasions, but in the end it never feels right. Some of you may be scratching your heads, wondering how this single character from a vampire film almost 30 years old could possibly make such an impact on anything, but anyone who digs deep in our archives will eventually “get it”.
One thought that pops in my head after every viewing of The Lost Boys is what music this guy would’ve been cranking on his beat up, rusty cassette player. Aside from the incredible soundtrack and songs used in the film that certainly need to introduction here, what other songs would he bang that blonde rat’s nest on top of his head to? What nasty numbers would prompt him to dance around in the cave at Hudson’s Bluff? What was he blasting on moto night rides down the beach? Let’s face it, this guy listened to TUNES. Heavy metal, goth rock, bubble gum, rare out-of-print Tim Cappello “Live in Santa Carla” vinyl pressings…I’m pretty sure nothing was out of bounds for the boardwalk bloodsucker.
So instead of pouting and complaining about how crude dudes like Paul aren’t bred to this world anymore (although it’s true), today we’re celebrating the man’s legacy by saying hello to the night and getting lost in the shadows with a “Paul’s Motorcycle Mixtape” playlist….the (10) best handpicked tunes our vamp brother would have been cranking on his cassette Walkman!
SIDE A:
1) Mötley Crüe – Knock ‘Em Dead Kid
2) Sisters of Mercy – Lucretia My Reflection
3) Judas Priest – Hot Rockin’
4) Sandra – Midnight Man
5) Skid Row – Sweet Little Sister
SIDE B:
6) WASP – Restless Gypsy
7) Mitch Murder – Savage
8) Dokken – Lost Behind the Wall
9) Rainbow – Street of Dreams
10) Mark Isham – End Credits from The Hitcher
MEGA BONUS: Check out this Lost Boys Drinking Game from DrinkingCinema.com.
JANUARY’S LOCAL HOT SPOT OF THE MONTH: CABAZON DINOSAURS.
Posted on January 31, 2016 6 Comments
In the 1989 Nintendo-worshipping film The Wizard, three youngsters hitch to California with hopes of entering into a video game tournament with a $50,000 cash prize. While the movie certainly turned kids into Super Mario 3 and Power Glove disciples, I think TNUC speaks for many by saying it made us dream of California and dinosaurs even more.
Similar to how I blame the Ninja Turtles for 50% of my obsession with pizza, Uncle T holds The Wizard responsible for an early fascination with “Cali-fornia” from all the scenes portraying the west coast state as the ultimate sun-washed, dreamy place to live. The clear highlight that kept me coming back for repeated viewings more than anything else – yes, even more than the Power Glove – was the wild dinosaur park during the film’s final scenes.
This brings us to announce TNUC’s brand new monthly onslaught for 2016, ‘Heavy-Hot Spot-of-the-Month’. First up, California’s very own (and still fully functional) roadside attraction, the CABAZON DINOSAURS.
If you didn’t already know, yes….THIS PLACE STILL EXISTS. So last Saturday Uncle T and Lady T hopped aboard the old front wheel drive sleigh and headed for Cabazon, a town right outside of Palm Springs.
As the sun began to set behind the San Bernardino mountains and palms blew violently from powerful wind gusts, suddenly there in the distance appeared the two towering dinosaurs sitting to the side of the I-10 freeway. Truly a strange and surreal sight to behold.
To much surprise the area appeared to have barely been tampered with. What I had pictured in my mind was almost exactly what stood before us. Living in California you get accustomed to overpopulation and massive amounts of development constantly changing things. Besides a few gas stations and a restaurant, Jimmy Wood’s dreamy dinos were still sitting in the middle of the desert surrounded by beautiful landscape.
2016:
The gift shop could still be found inside the Brontosaurus and the entryway was the same door through the tail, just like in the movie.
1989:
Inside not a whole lot had been modified either. Same prehistoric fleshy walls, paint chipped green railings and shelving (just more stocked than it was in the movie). See below.
2016:
1989:
The area through the gift shop where Jimmy runs up and opens his lunchbox was closed off, but I peeked under the curtain and saw that something had obviously been there not long ago. I asked the front desk girl if she had any fun facts about The Wizard and she looked at me like I was on a 9-day quaalude bender. She said her only knowledge was of the few scenes from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure that were shot on location.
However I did find out that construction began on the Cabazon Dinosaurs in 1964. They were built by Claude Bell, a sculptor for the popular amusement park Knott’s Berry Farm. The T-Rex and Brontosaurs took more than 10 years to build and ended up costing a fortune.
Beyond the park’s two big giants that can be seen from the freeway, visitors can pay an $8 admission and go through a maze of medium sized dinosaurs in the back. I was praying the guy at the ticket admission window was a strung out Lucas Barton – living in the desert and waiting for Jimmy to return for a rematch – but sadly it was just some teenager.
Up a spiral staircase inside T-Rex’s head is a spot to sit and gaze out at the desert through his chompers.
Final Thoughts: Even if your not a Wizard or Pee-Wee disciple, by all means stop at Cabazon Dinosaurs to bask in everything it has to offer if you’re in the Palm Springs area. As for The Wizard, the movie gets a lot of immediate flack for being “basically a Nintendo infomercial” but I think it has way too much charm to be reduced to such a thing. For one, the cinematography is incredible and something that gets overlooked. The sun reflecting off the desert has a certain effect that makes everything in this movie glow. Pair that with a atmospheric score, a soundtrack that features Real Life’s “Send Me An Angel” and CHRISTIAN SLATER and what’s there to criticize?
**Thanks for checking out our 1st entrant into the Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month. Our apologies for getting off to a late start, but the good news is that February’s chosen hellhole is right around the corner! If you feel this entry was a little ‘tame’ compared to TNUC’s “Lost Legend” and “Deadbeat” champions of yesteryear, wait till you see what’s coming. Oh just wait.**
As always, past monthly countdowns are readily available here:
2015: LOST-LEGEND-OF-THE-MONTH
2014: DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH
SPIROS SIGHTINGS.
Posted on January 27, 2016 Leave a Comment
SPIROS exists. This much I know to be true. After last gracing these lands with The Final Eclipse and opening his world to Uncle T via an exclusive invite to his villa, further traces of the Mediterranean phantom have been scant, but rest assured, there have been traces.
I received word from a museum curator friend of mine in Southern Italy that he received a request from a mysterious man, whose physical description and mannerisms matched those of SPIROS himself. The man requested a private viewing of the museums showcase of the paintings, as well as works of Max Ernst and Paul Delvaux. He said the man wandered around the galleries, losing himself in the surreal landscapes like a drifter at sea in search of the Siren’s song.
I also heard of a correspondence he had with another fellow musician in which he confided that he was going on a tour of Southeast Asia in search of ‘The Lost City of the Emerald Tiger’ and the glittering temples adorned with jade that lie hidden somewhere amongst the dense jungles that snake alongside the Mekong.
Most recently, I heard of a rather strange encounter a friend of mine had while she was touring Italy. She told me that she saw a lone gondolier parked beside a bridge in Palermo, who promised to take her to a land of exotic beauty and intrigue. He took her hand, guided her into the boat and began to row and serenade her with songs of great passion, gently rocking her to sleep. When she awoke, she found herself enshrouded in mist, approaching a majestic villa atop a rocky cliff overlooking the Mediterranean…
And then there’s this. Perhaps as direct a piece of evidence that one could hope for that confirms SPIROS is out there. So far, all of my research on this video has lead to nothing but further questions and dead ends. It does appear that SPIROS has wrote the song, sang the song, starred in the video, directed it, and also had it filmed in his haunting villa. See for yourself.
Let’s examine the hard evidence if you will:
♦ Blue lighting
♦ Rolling mist
♦ White linens
♦ Long, flowing black mane
♦ Venetian masks
♦ Billowing curtains
♦ That look 43 seconds in
Not to mention everything about the very nature of the song itself. Is this none other than our Mediterranean phantom himself? What do you think? Have you had any encounters or sightings yourself? Please, let us know.
-Kurt Sloan
Confused and bewildered? Who is this SPIROS we speak of? Check out these links to begin your journey:
SPIROS 1: A MIX SONG FOR YOU
SPIROS 2: THE MAGIC OF SPIROS
SPIROS 3: THE FINAL ECLIPSE
TEXTBOOK TRENCHCOAT-NOIR.
Posted on January 20, 2016 2 Comments
R.I.P. Glenn Frey 1948 – 2016
He’ll be remembered by most for his groundbreaking work with The Eagles but over here at the Land of TNUC, Glenn Frey’s impact meant something completely different. When ‘You Belong to the City’ was birthed into this world during an episode of Miami Vice in 1985, this man brought us the gift of trenchcoat-noir. Make no mistake, this song isn’t merely a “slice” from this sacred genre of music or just another track pulled from its growing library…this is the granddaddy, quintessential, textbook trenchcoat-noir song of the century. FACT.
What are you babbling about Uncle T? What the hell is “trenchcoat-noir”? For starters, it’s a certain style of music that has an almost indescribable chilly-night “feeling” attached to it. Cold synths, smooth basslines and flashy production are just some of the ingredients that when this music hits, it inspires us to wander the streets at night with that trusty trenchcoat and a cigarette dangling from the mouth, while night rhythms echo in our minds. The pale moonlight and neon signs provide just enough light to guide you through the damp streets and dark alleys of the buzzing city. You pass by sports cars, people in nightclubs drinking Zima, steaming hot dog carts, sexy silhouettes, homeless people hovering over burning barrels and the usual leather-clad hooker on the corner named Sharise. These are the visuals that accompany trenchcoat-noir. Extremely polished. Masterfully slick. Rawness of the city. Tons of heart.
Time to listen and watch the five minutes and forty-eight seconds that started this entire movement. If this is your 7,000th listen to this song (like me), shut off all distractions around you and turn up the volume. It’s time for a revisit and to bid this man a proper farewell.
Right from the start it’s everything you could possibly ask for in a song. When that signature saxophone slides into my eardrums and down into my pants, I can’t help but stop whatever I’m doing and sink into an entirely new listening experience. Studio musician Bill Bergman isn’t just “playing” that saxophone. That sax is crying, aching and ripping into all of our hearts. I don’t think this instrument has ever sounded so rich and tough at the same time. It’s the perfect balance of elegance and BALLS.
But hey, if what you long for is the complete audio/visual experience, plant your ass to the all-white leather sofa and watch the Miami Vice episode “Prodigal Son” (Season 2, Episode 1). New viewers will quickly find out why the show is infamous for being so innovative when it came to music and fashion. Director Michael Mann wasn’t just throwing great music into these episodes because he could afford to. Songs like ‘You Belong to the City’ were carefully placed to accompany the story, provide exquisite montage and evoke emotion.
I feel like some people take this show for granted and forget how truly great it still is. With the tired “retro-eighties” revival thing constantly regurgitating images of Ferrari’s, palm trees and pastel leisure suits in our faces, it seems like some people only associate Miami Vice with these types of things, not realizing the level of quality and the intense magic of the series. If people have preconceptions of Vice being all style and no substance, they’re dead wrong.
OK, it’s time to talk about when ‘You Belong’ showed up in other forms of entertainment. During an episode of Married With Children that aired in 1988, Al Bundy and Steve walk through the streets of Chicago looking for Marcy’s old Barbie doll that they sold while trying to start a baseball card collection. When Al and Steve start asking every bum on the street if they’ve seen the doll, a low budget SOFTCORE SAXOPHONE version of the song plays in the background, as heard in the scene above. Of course some glorious psycho on YouTube uploaded the scene and cut out the audience laughter, providing us with the best possible recording of this strange rendition. (Big thank you to my friend Jessica-Lee for reminding TNUC about this precious moment!).
T H A N K Y O U G L E N N !
See you in the river of darkness, pal. Under the neon lights.
uncletnuc.com 