JAWS: THE RIDE.
Posted on August 28, 2013 7 Comments
Recently coming back from an east coast trip made three things very clear to me. (1) Human beings are more obsessed with sharks than EVER these days, (2) TNUC has never stopped and reflected on the remembrance of Universal Studios’ JAWS: THE RIDE and (3) I realize I owe this blog a hearty entry in light of my recent hiatus, but this post will have to do for now.
You know what’s depressing? Some miserable asshole(s) decided it was a good idea to close Jaws: The Ride. They’ve actually closed two additional classic theme park rides that I won’t even touch today, in fear that readers will never return to this site again. My apologies if reading this is the first time you’re hearing this bit of news. The attraction actually had it’s last voyage on January 2nd, 2012 to a lucky 48 special guests on board. For those lucky enough to visit Universal Studios Florida from 1990 to 2012, Jaws: The Ride was an unforgettable, must-see-attraction that even the longest, most sweltering line of people standing the Florida heat was worth waiting in. Riders were guests on a tour boat that would begin exploring beautiful Amity Harbor, but eventually became a violent chase through the water between the boat and the hungry great white shark. Guests were welcomed to explosions, water splashes and a host/captain named Skipper. Like many of the major theme park rides, the attention to detail throughout the ride was incredible. Even while waiting in long lines you’d be surrounded by a number of nautical items strung about boathouse and neighboring areas, creating what would feel like an authentic, New England marina setting.
Lucky as I was to be a guest on this vessel several times, I felt a little seasick when I heard the ride was closed. TNUC being TNUC, I had to own a piece of merchandise from this now piece of history. I got my hands on a Jaws: The Ride t-shirt, featuring a massive shark graphic on the front and bitchin’ artwork on the back with the words “Attacking Summer 1993”. Best part though? Sponsored by Thomas English Muffins!
R.I.P. June 7th, 1990 – January 2nd, 2012 R.I.P.
BUFFALO STYLE.
Posted on July 22, 2013 2 Comments
Get everyone in the room together and watch this:
YES, now scrape your jaw up off the ground and play it again! The adrenaline-pumping souls at the Jeep Corporation sure knew about making one thing very clear. One thing that most men didn’t quite get…CHICKS DIG BUFFALOS. Just watch the expression on the girl with the big-hair. She even pulls one of our favorite signature moves – the shade-tip. Ladies, could a date begin any better than a guy showing up galloping full-speed on a buffalo (bareback!) then simply reaching down with ONE sweaty arm to swing you on the back of his wild animal vehicle. If by the end of the night that lucky girl doesn’t put out, it could only be from the Buffalo dung-drops spoiling the mood.
I’d like to track down whoever pitched this idea and immediately hire this person at Camp TNUC. I’d tell them they could have a permanent stay, given they provide a sufficient amount of buffalo livestock for my buffalo shuttle service to and from Camp TNUC for ladies that end up having too much to drink and can’t drive home. This way, parents will rest easy when they see a guy galloping up their driveway full throttle, with their daughter on the back of a bison, rushing to make that 12:00pm curfew.
Of course one set back would be the aggressiveness of what bareback-buffalo riding would do to your crotch. I’d at least equip myself with a jock’ and cup under my loincloth for support. Another obvious vibe-killer would be the buffalo dung. We’d avoid this issue by having our beasts on a strict, special-blend-diet-formula of pizza, frozen fruit concentrate and Cookie Crisp cereal. Trust me, it works.
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The following is an alternate buffalo-riding Jeep adventure with our best friend at it again. He’s still throwing girls on the back of his buffalo, but this time he’s charging through an old western town. You’ll need to adjust your volume a little for this one.
If anyone has any information on this iconic figure of history, please immediately contact Uncle TNUC.
HEAVY METAL BEACH TOWELS.
Posted on July 15, 2013 3 Comments
You’ve probably never heard the words ‘Dokken‘ and ‘beach towel’ in the same sentence. That’s because for years society was deprived of being able to lay out in the sun and inspect bikinis while laying on a towel that sports our most cherished heavy metal bands…until now.
A guy in Bulgaria (of all places) has opened an Ebay store called HEADBANGER’S HEAVEN and is selling loud n’ proud heavy metal towels at a reasonable price.
From hair metal giants like Motley Crue, Ratt and Dokken…to righteous riffers like Kiss, Iron Maiden and Van Halen, you’re sure to find something up your alley. The towels are available in two sizes: sport (for the gym, sauna, solarium) and jumbo (for the beach, pool, water park). As you can see the towels are richly colored and pretty sexy so don’t be surprised if they don’t attract some attention. I can safely vouch for this seller on Ebay as I have bought several band t-shirts from him which are all incredible!
These towels couldn’t have come into TNUC’s radar at a better time. I’m supposed to be in Malibu this weekend to host a Long-Butt-Bikini-Contest and I’m in need of a new towel to dry off the salty babes as they emerge from the water. Which towel do you disciples think would be most appropriate? Take a look around the Headbanger’s Heaven store and let me know in the comment section below!
Oh, can’t leave out the most terrifying towel of them all, but maybe the best:
THOMAS ANDERS – ONE THING.
Posted on July 9, 2013 4 Comments
I don’t know what I was thinking with that “Top 11” list I made for July 4th last week. If I had known about this masterpiece, nothing would have mattered but the following 3-minutes and 50-seconds:
Thanks to my Cro-magnon colleague Mike Ballermann, I’ve now been introduced to German pop-sensation Thomas Anders. Note to everyone: model your life after this guy. I thought I was the only sane person around here that understood how important it was to not work a day in your life, instead drive around sports cars barefoot all day under the sunny palm trees, singing and smiling while my extra-long ponytail sways in the breeze. Seriously, Thomas’s love for EVERYTHING American/Californian should be taught in classrooms and lecture halls across this great nation. From the Pacific Ocean to Arby’s, he cherishes it ALL and wants YOU to know how happy it makes him feel.
I’m fairly confident Thomas Anders and Uncle TNUC were separated at birth. From cruising down the PCH with one-dangling earring glistening in the sun…to dancing/twirling on lifeguard towers at sunset when nobody else is around, it’s the only reasonable thought that makes any sense. Some may argue that the guy in this video is actually TNUC, but I would assure those people that it’s not. We’ve just been living identical lifestyles without even knowing it.
HAPPY 4TH.
Posted on July 4, 2013 1 Comment
TNUC’S TOP ELEVEN HARMONIOUS AMERICAN WAR CRIES TO CELEBRATE THIS GLORIOUS NATION’S BIG DAY.
Line these up –
Grab the nearest long-butted babe –
Press play.
1) HAROLD FALTERMEYER – TOP GUN ANTHEM LINK
2) JAMI JAMISON – I’M ALWAYS HERE [BAYWATCH] LINK
3) CHEAP TRICK – MIGHTY WINGS [TOP GUN] LINK
4) EMERSON, LAKE & POWELL – TOUCH AND GO LINK
5) JOURNEY – ONLY THE STRONG LINK
6) BILL CONTI – AMERICAN GLADIATORS THEME LINK
7) ROBERT TEPPER – NO EASY WAY OUT [ROCKY IV] LINK
8) HULK HOGAN THEME – REAL AMERICAN LINK
9) ALAN SILVESTRI – DELTA FORCE THEME LINK
10) TOUCH – THE SWEETEST VICTORY [ROCKY IV] LINK
11) GIORGIO MORODER – THE FIGHT [OVER THE TOP] LINK
HAPPY 4TH U.S.A.
WET-HOT-TNUC-SUMMER, PART 2.
Posted on June 24, 2013 5 Comments
You know what time it is. Another summer break approaches and that means heavy dosages of boat drinks, SPF 5000 and salty babes are headed our way. Cancel your piano lessons, abort your summer school requirements and come listen to some tantalizing tunes with TNUC. The following are Uncle T’s top five (5) “bare necessity anthems” that you’ll need for soundtracking your daily life in the coming months. Each is as spirited and exuberant as the setting sun. As more tracks come our direction, we’ll post them on the Facebook page, and we encourage you to do the same.
#1 Betty Who – Somebody Loves You (FM Attack Remix)
This song plays as you dance with your dreamgirl on the beach, who just happened to wash up on shore as you were taking a stroll that morning. It’s your first night together and you’re under the moonlight at the ultimate beach-bash of the decade. No Vegas-metrosexual club people or Euro-douche DJs in sight. Just a sea of tropical long-butts while TNUC mans the decks and plays the hits. Oh, and Doug Coughlin from Cocktail isn’t dead so he’s twirling around and serving drinks at the bar all night.
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#2 Journey – Suzanne
Stream the song:
Absolutely the juiciest deep-cut in the Journey catalogue, Suzanne captures the spirit of being young in the summer. Bonfires at the beach, arcades, Friday night at the drive-in, riding bikes over the dunes, “the point”, manhunt, the boardwalk, pools lit at night, kickball, parking at Pizza Hut, smoking a joint on the 50 yard line…..but most importantly, the many crushes and being in love. When Steve Perry belts out “those summer nights, those summer nights”….oh man, Uncle T just about loses it.
Suzanne is featured on Journey’s 1986 album, ‘Raised on Radio’.
Download the track / Buy the album here.
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#3 Sally Shapiro – I Dream With an Angel Tonight (Lovelock Remix)
We covered this exotic island beauty in great detail when it premiered on TNUC last month. If you missed that post, check it out here when you’ve finished reading this entry.
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#4 Silent Gloves feat. Patrick Baker – So Real
Electronic unit Silent Gloves released this single in April and it made everything in my penthouse suite stop on the first listen. Literally every person I play this for is floored by the vocals. Lads and ladies, meet Patrick Baker. If I were him, this song would be my ultimate go-to to make the girls melt. The synth work provides an equal, copious amount of balminess as well. Seriously, this is THE sound of summer. You’ll enjoy the remixes too, so do yourself a favor and pick up the EP here.
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#5 Tina Turner – We Don’t Need Another Hero (Instrumental Dub Version)
Let your Uncle be your guide and trust me on this one. With all due respect to Tina Turner, losing the vocal part on this song from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome gives a whole new feel to the track. It loses the AOR, big-budget soundtrack vibe and heads straight into Cocktail land. By simply cutting the vocals and extending a few parts, the song sails to tropical territory. Obviously Tim Cappelo’s saxophone solo did NOT get cut, otherwise we wouldn’t go anywhere near this version of the song. TNUC would also like to note that we love Elisabeth Shue and needed an excuse to include a picture of her somewhere on here.
Download the track.
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