ABANDONED SUMMER CAMP FOR SALE.
Posted on July 27, 2017 21 Comments
Just the other day an opportunity far too good to pass up presented itself on my desk.
AN ABANDONED GIRL SCOUT CAMP IS BEING AUCTIONED OFF!
That’s right, your summer camp dreams (or nightmares) might be coming to life in 2018 as long as Uncle TNUC can scrounge together enough money to purchase this beautiful and terrifying property. (I’ll need more investors so please speak up in the comments section if you can help make this a reality!)
Nestled in the middle of nowhere sits this 282-acre former Girl Scouts camp in Loudonville, Ohio which includes several cabins, pavilions and a pool as reported by Dailymail.co.uk.
It was an active Girl Scouts camp until 2002, and housed up to 140 campers in its heyday. Its current owner has used the property has a hunting and nature lodge.
Now imagine the possibilities…
All heavy business happens at Camp Counselor Uncle T’s private lodge! Hot-wet-long-butt contests every Friday night at 9pm SHARP. During opening ceremony we’re hosting a very special Don Dokken intimate acoustic set around the campfire at midnight. Be there or we’ll unleash Manimal from his cage to hunt you down in the woods!
This dirty shed is the perfect living quarters for our deformed Camp TNUC janitor, “Sludge”.
We don’t call it a mess hall for nothing. In fact we take the term very seriously. Once that dinner bell rings, report to the mess hall which quickly turns into a full-fledged food fight, even sloppier than the restaurant scene from Problem Child 2. This place literally becomes a battlefield of flying pizza, hot dogs, sloppy joes, spaghetti, mustard, cream pies, generic red punch and miscellaneous gross-out monstrosities.
Campers are also encouraged to partake in our nightly Goosebumps book swap, nudie magazine trading, VHS discussions and the midnight roasting of pervert cook Artie who was caught fondling a box of tomatoes in the kitchen pantry with his pants down.
The many ponds around Camp TNUC contain no shortage of wildlife, canoes, homemade rafts, foam noodles, severed heads, hacked off limbs and other unrecognizable body parts floating up from the murky depths.
Bring your Zinka sunblock because the heat is on at our campground pool. While that photo might not be too convincing, just wait until mid-July hits and this place turns into a shade-tipping, eyebrow-raising, scantily-clad daydream come to life!
♦ ♦ ♦
If Uncle T manages to capitalize on this abandoned camp next year, what sort of accommodations and activities would YOU like to see? Voice your ideas in the comments section.
SONGS FROM ‘THE POINT’ [Part 2].
Posted on July 13, 2017 2 Comments
Greetings cosmic travelers and horny wanderers of the night. You’ve come to the right place.
Hopefully you remember back to Part 1 of this special feature, a unique offering that saw Uncle T crawling out of his usual 1980’s shtick and into a plum-colored, velvet-interiored 1977 van filled with nothing but crucial tunes for that frisky spot up on the hill most commonly referred to as ‘THE POINT’.
Every town has a ‘Point’ but yours might be called ‘Make-Out Point’ or simply ‘The Spot’. Essentially these places are destinations for you and a curious lover to park your ride with the intention of getting hot n’ bothered in the back seat. The ideal setting that’s portrayed in countless movies overlooks a city’s skyline, valley, football field, cliff, ocean or any decent-enough view in hopes of “wowing” your lady friend (or manimal). Also typical during movie scenes is the girl in this situation smirking and whispering a “where are you taking me?” when she so obviously knows exactly where they’re headed.
In two years time since the Part 1 of this feature, TNUC rifled through stacks of dusty LPs and gathered the next batch of songs for a sequel. We sincerely hope these glory stompers inspire you take action, for example like finding the prom queen from your high school who was so desperately unsatisfied and bored to death by going to senior prom with Brad. You remember that preppy, Coldplay-loving, plaid-wearing cheesedick who bullied her into going with him. Time to bring the sad prom queen to ‘The Point’ and show her you were the magic man!
So fire up the wagon, get those joints rolled, grab a bottle of 151, steal that unopened bottle of Quaaludes from your Uncle Ned’s medicine cabinet and get ready to boogie! You’ve got a long night ahead of you…
7) Sniff n’ the Tears – Driver’s Seat
You can practically hear the meaty exhaust humming as guitarist Mick Dyche’s sweet licks penetrate your earlobes on ‘Driver’s Seat’. This is the most upbeat song of today’s list and that’s on purpose because this is for cranking up while you and the little miss are driving to your chosen ‘Point’. You eager beavers make a quick pit stop at Stop ‘n Go for some fuel, which means a couple Renaldo’s Burritos from the frozen food section. Then a moment of clarity hits you. This needs to be a night she never forgets and you cancel your burrito decision based on the potential after-effects and you buy a 12 pack of Löwenbräu and some goat pills instead. Turn up the night!
Moment of Climax: Those smokey riffs.
Preferred ride of choice: 1976 Dodge Tradesman Van with the little teardrop window in the back.
Buy the album: Sniff ‘n’ the Tears – Fickle Heart (1978)
∴ ∴ ∴
6) KISS – Magic Touch
https://www.audiomack.com/song/uncle-tnuc/magic-touch
We’ve arrived at the moment in the night when your shy, reserved, slightly timid date transforms into a bonafide dream woman/sex panther right before your eyes! “Jenny” whips off her v-neck college sweater to reveal a shredded denim vest with a big BÖC emblem airbrushed on the back. Then she opens up her backpack filled to the brim with 8-track tapes…KISS, Blue Öyster Cult, Hawkwind, Deep Purple, T-Rex, Electric Prunes and even some Charles Manson demos. Finally she cracks open a couple tall cans and sparks up the thick, burlacious ganja-bud, getting totally horned out! DREAM WOMAN.
Moment of Climax: The moment you realize this is a KISS song and it’s really fucking sexy and groovy.
Preferred ride of choice: 1971 Jeep Wagoneer (with wood-grain side panels)
Buy the album: KISS – Dynasty (1979)
∴ ∴ ∴
5) The Doobie Brothers – Flying Cloud
https://www.audiomack.com/song/uncle-tnuc/flying-cloud
This 2-minute celestial slice of wonder echoes through the night air as the sky opens up and bursts of multicolored light form prisms as both of you gaze up in awe. Couldn’t be that brown acid you took during school detention right?! I mean…it’s been hours! Suddenly a mystical woman knocks on the passenger door and demands she join the party. You can’t be rude and say no, and surprisingly your lady tiger is more than welcoming. Time for a devil’s dandruff magic carpet ride!
Moment of climax: The entire two minutes. Welcome to the pleasure dome.
Preferred ride of choice: 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88
Buy the album: The Doobie Brothers – What Were Once Vices Are Now Habits (1974)
∴ ∴ ∴
4) Cliff Richard – Devil Woman
Special music video selection! Please just watch this performance and enjoy everything it has to offer. Cliff Richard casts a spell on this TV studio audience which is something I really miss watching these days. Imagine for a moment, all these people so captivated. No cell phones, no distractions, no bullshit. Just them and the music, even if this “live” performance is probably lip-synced.
Moment of climax: “I drank the potion she offered me
I found myself on the floor
Then I looked in those big green eyes
And I wondered what I came there for”
Preferred ride of choice: 1969 Mercury Marauder
Buy the album: Cliff Richard – I’m Nearly Famous (1976)
∴ ∴ ∴
3) Cheap Trick – Heaven Tonight
https://www.audiomack.com/song/uncle-tnuc/heaven-tonight
If you were a teenager or young person in 1978, there’s a good chance Cheap Trick swooned and enchanted your girlfriend lonnnng before you entered the picture. Singer Robin Zander and guitarist Rick Nielsen were two of the most popular lads to grace the posters on bedroom walls throughout the 1970s. Girls went crazy for that man’s voice. OK…time to turn the nobs up and raise the levels of your father’s car stereo that he literally spent your entire college tuition money on. Your evening at ‘The Point’ just took on entirely new meaning.
Moment of Climax: The haunting middle part which combines cello, harpsicord and Nielsen’s mandocello.
Preferred ride of choice: 1976 Chevy Chevette
Buy the album: Cheap Trick – Heaven Tonight (1978)
∴ ∴ ∴
2) Blue Öyster Cult – Lips in the Hills
There’s no way in hell BÖC weren’t making the list. Returning for the second time following Part 1, Buck Dharma, Eric Bloom and gang bring the weirdness with a song from their underrated album Cultösaurus Erectus entitled ‘Lips in the Hills’. This band will always and forever remind me of all the bad ass uncles, dads, grandpas, helpful neighbors and local gurus TOO COOL and WAY BURNT OUT on Led Zeppelin and overplayed radio bands. This character is many times the family member that your relatives seldom get together with, not because he’s a bad person, but he’s just a little raw and too seasoned with life. Maybe it was serving in ‘Nam or it could’ve been just hanging around the bowling alley with sleazebags for too long. The youngsters in the family love him to death but even they are a little uneasy at times, especially when he babysits and brings that weird lady around who sells tires. He’s the one always in the garage welding nonstop, owns a shitkicker old van and absolutely refuses to update his wood-paneled, cigarette stained basement. He’s on a steady diet of cold black coffee, Newport menthols and construction lunch-truck sandwiches. This man RULES and worships at the altar of BÖC.
Moment of climax: The powerhouse guitar work of Buck Dharma that shoots laser beams into your skull.
Preferred ride of choice: The Blue Torpedo! (1973 Volkswagen Type 3 Squareback)
Buy the album: Blue Öyster Cult – Cultösaurus Erectus (1980)
∴ ∴ ∴
1) Nazareth – Please Don’t Judas Me
https://www.audiomack.com/song/uncle-tnuc/please-dont-judas-me
Here’s the song that puts you over the edge and “seals your fate forever”. Why? Because it contains the build up and climax you’ve been longing for all evening at ‘The Point’. Sure it’s been fun but the two of you are searching for that peak moment. THIS IS IT. Plus, Nazareth are that band you found out about at a young age from winning one of those framed carnival mirrors at the fair that said NAZARETH in big purple writing with a dragon drawn with it. Enough said…just listen.
Moment of climax: The descending psychedelic tour de force that starts around the 6-minute mark.
Preferred ride of choice: 1978 Buick Regal
Buy the album: Nazareth – Hair of the Dog (1975)
∴ ∴ ∴
Thanks for reading, listening and hanging out!
Hungry for more? Check out Songs from ‘The Point’ [Part 1]!
PUTRID POOL PARTY!
Posted on July 6, 2017 2 Comments
No, that’s not a pool filled with Hi-C Ecto Cooler. It’s a putrid mix of unknown atrocities that our disgruntled janitor “Sludge” poured into the Camp TNUC pool this week!
You see, our longtime janitor Sludge was fired this week for creeping around shower stalls and breathing heavy in cabin windows at night while campers are sleeping. Truth be told, Sludge is actually a gentle giant. He might be a deformed, half-witted, frightening product of inbreeding, but he’s a harmless soul with a heart much bigger than his brain. Plus, we haven’t given him a paycheck for his janitorial work since 1989 and he’s never complained. It worked out great for production and the TNUC payroll.
But what does Sludge do in retaliation for getting fired? Infects our pool with a sickening substance, turning it putrid green!
So unless you’re a rubbery creature like a Boglin, Critter or Goosebumps “Mud Monster” with a taste for key-lime-slime, choosing to swim in the Camp TNUC pool this summer will make you so deformed you’ll probably give ol’ Sludgy a run for his money!
HOT N’ FRESH BEER WOLF DELIVERY.
Posted on June 28, 2017 Leave a Comment
Just this afternoon I arrived at the TNUC lair to find an all-too-familiar box sitting at my doorstep.
Now, a box of pizza wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary if I had actually ordered a steamy-hot-delicious-cheese-pie.
So something about this strange box gave me an uneasy feeling which gave way to profuse sweating and frantic looks over my shoulder. There was plastic tape on the outside and nothing about it smelled like food. Practical joke? Severed head? Anthrax? A letter confirming my reservation at the nut house? WHAT COULD THIS BE?!
I carefully opened the box and after it didn’t explode, I noticed zebra print peeking out from inside. Were the folks at Zubaz finally responding to my letters requesting uniforms for Camp TNUC counselors?
Negative. What unveiled before my eyes was something of epic goddamned proportions.
A MEGA-MOTHERLOAD BEER WOLF PACKAGE!
Shirts! Beer koozies! Stickers! All wrapped up in some mysterious Pizza Hut box? What good deed has Uncle T done to deserve such a precious gift?
The most mind-boggling thing about this hot n’ fresh Beer Wolf delivery is that these are NEW merchandise items. As we’ve come to understand, Coors Light haven’t run their Beer Wolf campaign in probably 25 years. Literally all those radical prints and artwork explosions ceased to exist after the early ’90s. Over the years TNUC has contacted them on several occasions, pondering the possibility of a comeback tour for the beloved beast…
So in the midst of this alleged return, I contacted Coors executives to get the full scoop. They responded with a message explaining to me they knew nothing about Beer Wolf returning and they would be looking into this matter!
So come to find out, apparently the Coors Brewery gift shop in Golden, Colorado decided to have some fun on their own by reviving the furry, beer-guzzling icon exclusively for their store. You’ll notice on his ballcap that the original “Coors Light” has been replaced with “Coors Brewery”.
While it isn’t sanctioned by Coors Corporate and currently unavailable for purchase online, any comeback is a comeback! Maximum respect, Coors Brewery.
Also found inside my package was a note from the shipper, a Colorado native and devoted TNUC disciple named Keith who runs a site called Something Strange. Keith, you are a bulging god amongst tiny men.
◊ ◊ ◊
***Throughout the annals of history, Coors Light’s Beer Wolf has been celebrated religiously at the Land of TNUC. There are a million reasons why we worship this sexy ball of fur, most of which stem from how overlooked Beer Wolf was during his short-lived career. Agreed upon by top scholars inside TNUC’s lair, Beer Wolf could run circles around Bud Light’s Spuds MacKenzie. He was buffer, tougher, nastier and could polish off dog bowls of beer faster than that little pooch could ever dream of. But Spuds captured almost 100% of the spotlight and glory. Aside from competition, Beer Wolf earned most of our respect by just being the bikini-inspecting, babe-chasing, beer-chugging iconic wolf he was born to be. Join the movement by participating in our #BeerWolfWednesday campaign on the social media outlets.***
HUT BY THE LAKE.
Posted on June 20, 2017 2 Comments
Spending your summer at Camp TNUC really does have its rewards.
Sure you’ll find deformed psychopaths wielding knives and chainsaws in the woods nearby, but on the flip side you get to experience once in a lifetime opportunities thanks to our team of counselors, lifeguards, perverted chefs and of course “The Manimal”.
Now for the groundbreaking news announcement of 2017! PIZZA HUT IS COMING TO CAMP TNUC. Not just a Pizza Hut, but a Pizza Hut boat dock, exclusively settled on our rotten, deadly campgrounds!
The “COURTESY DOCK” will provide camp customers an easily accessible area to dock their jet skis, canoes, rafts and inflatable alligator floaties while they get set for pizza! Or choose to call ahead and your steaming hot pizza will be ready for pick-up in no time! There you’ll be, lounging with some Body Glove-adorned Betty on your raft, while some dude named Jeff, Donny, Marcus, Randy, Zeke or Bart hustles down the hill to hand deliver your pizza directly on your watercraft. Hot tip: Avoid ordering the extra sausage special, or you’ll be in for a big surprise!
Customers can also choose to make the climb up the hill and enjoy the air conditioning and red vinyl booths at the actual Pizza Hut which sits directly beside the lake. Or relax on the restaurant’s deck while you bask in lakefront sunsets, summer breezes and topless water-skiing events sponsored by Body Glove.
Ricky Wade, hottest water-ski instructor around.
How exactly did TNUC hook up with the ‘Hut? Early in 2017 we signed a lucrative deal with the only remaining decent souls at Pizza Hut headquarters. They installed the boat dock and agreed to keep the company’s original logo, signature Red Roof and all the features and qualities that made the legendary franchise so unforgettable from 1975 to 1999.
By the time I finished this blog entry, those aforementioned Pizza Hut representatives who expedited this great idea have now been fired by the dead souls at ‘modern day’ Pizza Hut. However…Uncle T came to their rescue and gave these individuals jobs in our mess hall at Camp TNUC, mopping up hurl and lung butter. TNUC TO THE RESCUE!
See YOU at camp this summer! As always, please continue to join in our fight to
#MakePizzaHutGreatAgain
HAPPY 30TH, HARRY.
Posted on June 6, 2017 Leave a Comment
This week the cherished masterpiece Harry and the Hendersons turns 30 years old! Before we start the party, a couple quick thoughts from Harry’s #1 disciple, Uncle TNUC.
Just the other day when the topic of a ‘Bigfoot’ came up in a group conversation, 3 out of the 4 people immediately rolled their eyes after just mentioning the elusive beast. At first I was enraged and wanted to club them over their heads, but then I quickly realized why they displayed this knee-jerk sort of reaction. The current state of Sasquatch SUCKS.
It has nothing to do with our lack of actual evidence that a Bigfoot exists. The blame goes entirely to those pasty, loser virgins on the Discovery channel who made a reality show about ‘Finding Bigfoot’. It’s not worth delving into, but let’s just all agree that these uncool tubs of lard have temporarily ruined the mystique of Sasquatch thanks to their whining, crying and blobbing around in the woods, farting in their sweatpants.
DEATH TO FALSE SASQUATCH SUPPORTERS.
I know I’m not alone in admitting that still to this day when I think of a Bigfoot/Sasquatch/Yeti, only one lovable creature with a heart as big as his feet comes to mind: HARRY!
As a kid and throughout most of my manhood I’ve been intrigued by this big stinky creature and I credit Harry and the Hendersons for 97% of the fascination. It felt like more than a movie. This was a unique, first glimpse at everything you dreamed a Sasquatch to be, with serious thanks to the special effects magic of legendary artist, Rick Baker.
OK…time to pump this party by reliving some fond memories of Harry and the Hendersons — released 30 years ago this week in 1987!
As seen in the clip, Harry was created from a genius combination of face animatronics and an actor in a massive, furry costume played by Kevin Peter Hall (he also played the Predator). A big reason why Harry connected to so many people was the expressions and emotions that Rick Baker was able to create though control mechanisms. Multiple puppeteers had the job of controlling his facial gestures which were constantly changing during any given scene. Rick Baker’s creation won him the award for Best Makeup at the 1988 Oscars.
Click images to enlarge.
The rip-roaring success of Harry and the Hendersons was followed by pop culture megastardom. Harry appeared in trading cards, gum packaging, in toy lines and a special residency at Universal Studios Florida as part of a studio tour. But my favorite Harry take-home item is the stuffed animal version who resembles a nice old man morphing into a gorilla…
Made by Galoob in 1990, these furry-rubber, miniature companions were probably the closest you could get to having a Bigfoot live with your family, even if he’s 99,000x smaller than the real thing. One year later in 1991, a talking version of Harry was introduced.
However it does beg the question of why this guy arrived almost three years after the film’s release? Answer: Because the doll was actually based off the Harry and the Hendersons: THE TV SHOW!
Harry and the Hendersons: The TV Series enjoyed a three season span on NBC from 1991 – 1993. Aside from the fantastic intro song “Your Feet’s too Big” by Leon Redbone, the show didn’t perform as expected. One crushing blow was the death of Kevin Peter Hall which happened late into production of the first season. As previously stated, Hall also played Harry in the original film. He was replaced with several other actors, but the loss of Hall made a significant impact. Also, no offense to Bruce Davinson who played the dad in the series, but I think if John Lithgow had reprised his role from the movie it could’ve been more successful. Everyone knows Lithgow hit a goddamn grand slam playing George Henderson.
Looking back now, the scenic beauty of the Pacific Northwest played a significant role in this film’s appeal. Everything from the wood-paneled automobiles to George Henderson’s flannel collection portrayed a quality that wouldn’t have been possible if the movie’s location was New York City or Los Angeles.
If you’re ever passing through the town of Index, Washington, look for the Bigfoot statue which marks one of the spots where the movie was filmed. Stop in at the nearby coffee shop which sells Bigfoot hair and Bigfoot-shaped cookies.
Please join TNUC in celebrating Harry’s big 30th birthday by raising a sudsy can of beer and giving this heartwarming motion picture a fresh viewing. It’s truly the feel-good-flick of the century.
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