LONG LIVE THE LONG BUTT (L.L.T.L.B.)
Posted on August 25, 2012 4 Comments
I can remember fondly when they first came out with the long-butt. It was just at the start of summer in 89′ and one first trip to the beach brought memories that would last lifetimes and change the course of “TNUC Bikini Inspection” for a number of years.
That initial trip to the beach was the first encounter with long-butt culture. Everywhere you turned, girl’s butts seemed to have stretched a good 6-inches or so upward or downward. Not bigger, not smaller…just LONGER. A few crude dudes on the beach were so overcome with shock that they went into epileptic seizure and had to be rushed to the nearest medical clinic. One thing was for sure, this was a firm, in-shape butt. Athletically toned and geometrically correct. I even climbed the nearest lifeguard tower, knocking over the lifeguard and sending him flying into the sand in the process, just to bare witness through a pair of binoculars at this long-butt phenomenon.
This way of life only lasted a few summers but maybe one day will make a triumphant return. To fully embrace the long-butt memories of the past you need to seek out the appropriate material. Go out and rent the movie Side Out, WWF Pay-Per-Views, Baywatch, 1991 Beach Volleyball Tournaments and most importantly Point Break (example pictured above). The part where Angelo (Gary Busey) is undercover and pays a visit to the surf nazi’s house is a shining example of a forgotten long-butt babe. Watch the full scene below and wait for the 4:07 mark to bask in complete long-butt ultra-vision.
If you have pictorial evidence of long-butts, we’d like to see. Post and share them in the comment box of this post or at TNUC Facebook.
DROP OUT OF SUMMER SCHOOL WITH THE BEER WOLF.
Posted on August 9, 2012 7 Comments
Nothing can come between Beer Wolf and capturing the savage tan he so rightfully deserves this summer. That’s why during class last Friday he excused himself to go lift his leg in the bathroom and never looked back. This hadn’t exactly been a banner summer for Beer Wolf. On top of being forced to attend summer school, he was fired from his only job, the fast-food restaurant Clown Dog, for playing hockey in the kitchen with a mop and hamburger which resulted in spilling grease everywhere. The only reason he had this job was for the free food. He certainly wasn’t there for the money. Who needs money when you’re a furry, iconic figure with a lifetime supply of Coors Light at home?
WET-HOT-TNUC-SUMMER, PART 1.
Posted on August 3, 2012 7 Comments
TNUC returns this week after a short hiatus safariing on the jungle coast of a remote island that we don’t exactly have permission to talk about in detail at this time. What we can speak about is that much discussion has gone down regarding the 2012 TNUC Summer Line. Expect new shirts, limited “beach-party-bundle” packages for sale, plus an entirely new and explosive site layout. I realize August has already begun and many disciples are in deep depressive states from not having any new TNUC merch for your summer vacation. But I assure you, it’s coming and will be worth the wait. Just think, as you read this, we have underpaid and underprivileged factory workers in a 3rd world country slaving away at the new merchandise items that you’ll be able to grab soon. We also have completely cut their meal breaks & rest periods to be sure these items are finished as quickly as possible. For now, all we can do is have a little patience and crank our top six (6) WET-HOT-TNUC-SUMMER anthems…
Last year saw Dreams West debuting his impressive self-titled album on a limited number of beautiful looking blue cassette tapes. He returns this month with a split cassette release, entitled “12:56” through the label Chill Mega Chill, where he’ll have 4 new numbers that will surely melt our faces off. The split release will come in a “Limited edition gold encrusted, obsidian shells with mysterious exotic foliage artwork”, as stated at this location where you can also purchase the tape/digital download for some simple scraps ($5!)
Story-time: TNUC recently boarded a plane departing from the above aforementioned coastal region that was filled with nothing but bananas and cocaine. He departed on an amphibious aircraft (an aircraft that can land either on land or water). Wearing an exclusive Beer Wolf poncho and 4″ above-the-knee, tan-colored Bermuda shorts, TNUC took flight. Only one song was needed to soundtrack a risky ride such as this one and that song was Omni Island. The change-up you’ll hear @ 1:39 is exactly the moment when TNUC began to make his decent and prepare for his safe water landing.
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#2 Peter Maffay – Sonne in der Nacht
Big thanks to my German blood-brother Mike Ballermann for introducing me to this great track by Peter Maffay. The video is of equal top-quality as there is so much to love about it. The pristine water splashing on shore, Pete (shirtless) and his exotic woman running towards each other in slo-mo, Pete getting some teachings by a wise old oriental woman…but my favorite by far is how he begins the video lip-synching, but once he decides to light up a cigarette he just completely calls it quits with trying to voice the words. Download the song / Buy album here.
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#3 Goldroom – Fifteen
Southern California vibes are at all-time-highs throughout most of Goldroom’s work, and this one really takes it to the brink. This song is continuously blasting out of TNUC’s window, overlooking the pool, putting swimmers and loungers into a youthful, hypnotic bliss. Free download here!
#4. Miami Sound Machine – Dr. Beat
I feel like this song could have easily graced a never-before-seen, montage outtake from Cobra. Imagine over 6 minutes of Sly Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen sweating it out on the dancefloor in some slimy Miami club. This would make for a pretty heavy DVD bonus feature for all of us Marion Cobretti fans. We never really got a proper dosage of Stallone dance moves in any of his films, which I find to be an issue. Download the song / Buy album here.
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#5 Van She – Coconuts
Can you say Weekend at Bernies? Because this song is what living in that movie would be like. Buy album here.
#6 Thompson Twins – (Long) Beach Culture
JOHN STAMOS + THE BEACH BOYS [PART 2].
Posted on July 25, 2012 1 Comment
[Continued from Part 1] This is one of those “see it to believe it” duets of music + film that really pummels people’s minds when you tell them about it. A California surf-rock band from the 1960’s releases a music video from 1990 featuring a red-head tike running around getting into mischief…Oh but John Stamos is in it? OK, we’ll start paying attention now. This MUST BE GOOD.
Yes, again Stamos joins the boys for another dose of his precise percussion. He returns from the massive success of the Kokomo single, once again smiling and profiling behind the kit, but this time getting some pranks pulled on him. Junior Healy (Michael Oliver), adopted son of Ben Healy (John Ritter) and adopted grandson of BIG BEN HEALY (Jack Warden), spills what looks like milk all over Stamos. Or maybe it’s Greek yogurt? Stamos plays it cool and doesn’t freak out, but i’m pretty sure deep inside at this point he wishes he could grab Becky and hop on his Harley to blow off some steam. Many would argue that Stamos is the only redeeming quality of this video and song, but I disagree. Carl Wilson’s cocoa-butter voice is damn near perfection and always makes me want to kick back in my lawn chair and grab a colorful drink with an umbrella in it. Plus, I always dug that he looks like the carpenter you hired to do the addition on your kitchen. The no-frills beard, sunglasses and care-free “natural cool” attitude is admirable. Huey Lewis also dons this image and carries it effortlessly.
If anyone can locate the song on vinyl or digital, please let me know. Somewhere out there actually exists ‘Single edit’, ‘Movie edit’ and ‘Instrumental’ versions of the song, but I have yet to come across anything yet in my findings. It was not included on the official Problem Child soundtrack and remains lost in the shadows.
Have a look at this music video “making of” segment:
JOHN STAMOS + THE BEACH BOYS [PART 1].
Posted on July 17, 2012 3 Comments
The unity of John Stamos and The Beach Boys really sprung into global domination when Stamos appeared in the video for their comeback hit “Kokomo”, not only to wear his favorite pink tank-top but also to play conga steel drums. Stamos has a wealth of musical chops, practicing in drums, keyboard, guitar, bass and a number of exotic percussion instruments. The Beach Boys, who at the time were looking their absolute best in neon hats and a powerful dad-beard courtesy of Carl Wilson, scored big-time when the single became their first #1 hit in 22 years. Many would watch the following video and ask if Stamos’s “part-time Beach Boy” status would contribute to the massive success of the song. See for yourself…
Stamos is all smiles throughout the video and it makes perfect sense. The video was shot at the grand opening of the Floridian Resort in Walt Disney World, Florida and most of the crowd on the fake beach was made up of college cheerleaders from the University of Nevada. If these babes only knew that the man behind the bongos with the big grin on his face would later star as Jesse Katsopolis of Full House, they would have wasted no time in inviting him to a game of coed-naked volleyball the following day.
The song itself is perfect at every angle. One YouTube user comment says it best, “his voice is made of caramel”. The production is enormous and appears as though the louder you play it, the better and richer the output. With every listen, there’s new production-studio magic to be heard that allows the song to seem timeless. Still, for whatever reason I find myself struggling to convince people to revisit the song, unless Cocktail is playing on the television.
Buy Cocktail: The Motion Picture Soundtrack here
Download Kokomo here
“THAT DREAMY LOOK IN YOUR EYE, GIVE ME A TROPICAL CONTACT HIGH”
[Continue to PART II of our John Stamos + Beach Boys saga over here]
HEAVY HITTER MIDNITES.
Posted on July 4, 2012 1 Comment
A new “programming residency/bi-weekly Friday film explosion” has infiltrated our turf and promises to turn you into a certifiably obsessed, midnite-movie maniac. This cinematic full-course feast takes place at Cinefamily in Los Angeles. As chiseled in granite on their front steps they proclaim…
“HEAVY HITTER MIDNITES: A carefully curated collection of pizza party classics, fist explosions, international adrenaline-pumpers, ‘80s funbombs, white-hot laugh factories, total freakazoids and more. This is a dedicated study of all that is, and can be, AWESOME.”
Heavy Hitter Midnites hits a grand slam home to Camp TNUC this upcoming Friday when they screen the 1986 eruption Never Too Young To Die. Our FIRST-EVER post on the blog spotlighted a steamy scene from the flick featuring John Stamos & Vanity…plus a ton o’ sweat and soaring sounds of a mighty saxophone. Way back during TNUC’s first encounter with the film, he was so moved that he had a revelation…a revelation which whispered to him that the only permissible way to ignite this blog and christen it’s soil would be to feature a piece from this beloved pizza party masterpiece. Vanity would continue to rock TNUC’s universe for years afterwards and has become a iconic babe of power around these parts. The stars all align on Friday when Heavy Hitters screens the film, which quite possibly could be the only 35mm print in existence.
If you haven’t experienced this one on the big screen in 35mm, you need to drop everything and get to Los Angeles. You’d better cancel your brunch with Grandma and start preparing mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually for what could be a once-in-a-lifetime midnight movie-going explosion.
WATCH THE TRAILER:
Official Press Release:
Pack your bags and prepare for the RIDE OF YOUR LIFE, as gymnast heartthrob Lance Stargrove (a pre-”Full House” John Stamos!) avenges the death of his superspy father (former James Bond-er George Lazenby), meets-cute with the sexy Danja Deering (Prince protégé Vanity), and fights to save the world from hermaphrodite megavillain/sultry chanteuse Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons of Kiss, in the role he was born to play.) The ‘80s pizza party masterpiece that you’ve waited a lifetime to discover, Never Too Young To Die delivers on its promise of outrageous action, radical style, loud tunes and big hair, while simultaneously re-examining gender roles in modern cinema. Not to be missed and not on DVD, this Reagan-era time-bomb is screening from what may be the only remaining 35mm print in the known universe!
Dir. Gil Bettman, 1986, 35mm, 97 min.
(babes getting dropped off at a recent Heavy Hitter Midnites screening)
uncletnuc.com 
