TIS’ THE SEASON.
Posted on October 3, 2013 2 Comments
Look who’s freshly waxed Trans Am just came rumbling down the dusty road to CAMP TNUC. Why if it isn’t Uncle T himself! This year he has some special plans for the new batch of counselors who think it’s wise to go skinny-dipping alone in the lake at night. It’s October, which means his primal and sensual urges are at full-swing, a nightly blood lust that must be fulfilled. But wait, it looks like the trunk of his Trans Am is about to burst with what appear to be…boxes of cereal?
Monster Cereal that is. I can think of no better way to kick off this month-long horror celebratory splurge than sitting down to a cold bowl of Monster Cereals from General Mills; Boo Berry, Frute Brute, Frankenberry, Yummy Mummy and the big man on campus, Count Chocula. I think it’s safe to assume that most people reading this are already aware of the return of Monster Cereals in 2013, but in the rare situation that you are not, now you’ve gained the wisdom to know what needs to be done.
So yeah, immediately after reading this entry, drive to your nearest Target store and buy up every Monster Cereal in plain sight. If this requires you to rent one of those bright-orange storage units that people keep bodies in to stockpile your hoards of Monster Cereals secured and safe, so be it. This monstrous comeback to the breakfast and horror communities is happening only now, and we have the fine folks of General Mills to thank for that. Don’t burn down your Target store if for some reason they aren’t carrying it, only because it will probably somehow trace back to Uncle TNUC and with all my divorce hearings, mopary allegations and quaalude-trafficking charges, I can’t afford anymore hijinks on my record.
To see extreme-close-ups of these beauties and to keep a watchful eye on TNUC this October, follow him on Instagram @uncletnuc.
CARPENTER BRUT.
Posted on September 18, 2013 2 Comments
As I type this, we’re smack dab in the middle of September and that means it’s that time of year when TNUC’s thirst for Halloween is at maximum overdrive. Days literally crawl by with the aching desire for EVERYTHING Halloween. As I sit here wanting to infect you disciples with every horror-flavored item and announcement we have in store this season, I somehow find a shred of discipline and decide to play by the rules. TNUC can’t unveil anything right now. Simply put, it’s too early and we wouldn’t want to prematurely splurge.
I have synth-lords Carpenter Brut to thank for lending TNUC a helping hand with not bopping my bologna too early in the Halloween season. Even though my anticipation for their newest EP of melodic macabre is sky-high, getting a taste of one of the new tracks Obituary was just the right amount of spook to keep me at bay until October.
For those new to Carpenter Brut, you’re in for a treat. Gritty electronic sounds combine with icey-synths that create a signature yet familiar sound reminiscent of the horror and eroticism you’d feel watching a Giallo film. Last year the group released their debut 6-track EP that included first single Le Perv, with a flawless accompanying “video tribute to Lucio Fulci and legwarmers” by editor Silver Strain. This Friday the group will continue their slick n’ savage onslaught with a follow up release simply titled “EP II”, an album that they describe “takes us away from the graveyards and into the mean streets of a crime infested metropolis”. You can read more about that here. But first, have a look at the video (above) for Obituary. It was once again put together by Silver Strain and features no shortage of ultra-violence, Asian girls, city steam, masturbation and good-clean-fun.
Big thanks to these lads for keeping it evil on “EP II”. With former slasher-disco duo Gatekeeper abandoning the genre for something “else”…(blah), we can be happy torchburners like Steve Moore, Antoni Maiovvi, Gianni Rossi and Carpenter Brut are going strong into the beyond.
Album is out this Friday, Sept. 20th. Pre-order the CD/Digital here.
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Carpenter Brut on Facebook
JAWS: THE RIDE.
Posted on August 28, 2013 7 Comments
Recently coming back from an east coast trip made three things very clear to me. (1) Human beings are more obsessed with sharks than EVER these days, (2) TNUC has never stopped and reflected on the remembrance of Universal Studios’ JAWS: THE RIDE and (3) I realize I owe this blog a hearty entry in light of my recent hiatus, but this post will have to do for now.
You know what’s depressing? Some miserable asshole(s) decided it was a good idea to close Jaws: The Ride. They’ve actually closed two additional classic theme park rides that I won’t even touch today, in fear that readers will never return to this site again. My apologies if reading this is the first time you’re hearing this bit of news. The attraction actually had it’s last voyage on January 2nd, 2012 to a lucky 48 special guests on board. For those lucky enough to visit Universal Studios Florida from 1990 to 2012, Jaws: The Ride was an unforgettable, must-see-attraction that even the longest, most sweltering line of people standing the Florida heat was worth waiting in. Riders were guests on a tour boat that would begin exploring beautiful Amity Harbor, but eventually became a violent chase through the water between the boat and the hungry great white shark. Guests were welcomed to explosions, water splashes and a host/captain named Skipper. Like many of the major theme park rides, the attention to detail throughout the ride was incredible. Even while waiting in long lines you’d be surrounded by a number of nautical items strung about boathouse and neighboring areas, creating what would feel like an authentic, New England marina setting.
Lucky as I was to be a guest on this vessel several times, I felt a little seasick when I heard the ride was closed. TNUC being TNUC, I had to own a piece of merchandise from this now piece of history. I got my hands on a Jaws: The Ride t-shirt, featuring a massive shark graphic on the front and bitchin’ artwork on the back with the words “Attacking Summer 1993”. Best part though? Sponsored by Thomas English Muffins!
R.I.P. June 7th, 1990 – January 2nd, 2012 R.I.P.
BUFFALO STYLE.
Posted on July 22, 2013 2 Comments
Get everyone in the room together and watch this:
YES, now scrape your jaw up off the ground and play it again! The adrenaline-pumping souls at the Jeep Corporation sure knew about making one thing very clear. One thing that most men didn’t quite get…CHICKS DIG BUFFALOS. Just watch the expression on the girl with the big-hair. She even pulls one of our favorite signature moves – the shade-tip. Ladies, could a date begin any better than a guy showing up galloping full-speed on a buffalo (bareback!) then simply reaching down with ONE sweaty arm to swing you on the back of his wild animal vehicle. If by the end of the night that lucky girl doesn’t put out, it could only be from the Buffalo dung-drops spoiling the mood.
I’d like to track down whoever pitched this idea and immediately hire this person at Camp TNUC. I’d tell them they could have a permanent stay, given they provide a sufficient amount of buffalo livestock for my buffalo shuttle service to and from Camp TNUC for ladies that end up having too much to drink and can’t drive home. This way, parents will rest easy when they see a guy galloping up their driveway full throttle, with their daughter on the back of a bison, rushing to make that 12:00pm curfew.
Of course one set back would be the aggressiveness of what bareback-buffalo riding would do to your crotch. I’d at least equip myself with a jock’ and cup under my loincloth for support. Another obvious vibe-killer would be the buffalo dung. We’d avoid this issue by having our beasts on a strict, special-blend-diet-formula of pizza, frozen fruit concentrate and Cookie Crisp cereal. Trust me, it works.
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The following is an alternate buffalo-riding Jeep adventure with our best friend at it again. He’s still throwing girls on the back of his buffalo, but this time he’s charging through an old western town. You’ll need to adjust your volume a little for this one.
If anyone has any information on this iconic figure of history, please immediately contact Uncle TNUC.
HEAVY METAL BEACH TOWELS.
Posted on July 15, 2013 3 Comments
You’ve probably never heard the words ‘Dokken‘ and ‘beach towel’ in the same sentence. That’s because for years society was deprived of being able to lay out in the sun and inspect bikinis while laying on a towel that sports our most cherished heavy metal bands…until now.
A guy in Bulgaria (of all places) has opened an Ebay store called HEADBANGER’S HEAVEN and is selling loud n’ proud heavy metal towels at a reasonable price.
From hair metal giants like Motley Crue, Ratt and Dokken…to righteous riffers like Kiss, Iron Maiden and Van Halen, you’re sure to find something up your alley. The towels are available in two sizes: sport (for the gym, sauna, solarium) and jumbo (for the beach, pool, water park). As you can see the towels are richly colored and pretty sexy so don’t be surprised if they don’t attract some attention. I can safely vouch for this seller on Ebay as I have bought several band t-shirts from him which are all incredible!
These towels couldn’t have come into TNUC’s radar at a better time. I’m supposed to be in Malibu this weekend to host a Long-Butt-Bikini-Contest and I’m in need of a new towel to dry off the salty babes as they emerge from the water. Which towel do you disciples think would be most appropriate? Take a look around the Headbanger’s Heaven store and let me know in the comment section below!
Oh, can’t leave out the most terrifying towel of them all, but maybe the best:
THOMAS ANDERS – ONE THING.
Posted on July 9, 2013 4 Comments
I don’t know what I was thinking with that “Top 11” list I made for July 4th last week. If I had known about this masterpiece, nothing would have mattered but the following 3-minutes and 50-seconds:
Thanks to my Cro-magnon colleague Mike Ballermann, I’ve now been introduced to German pop-sensation Thomas Anders. Note to everyone: model your life after this guy. I thought I was the only sane person around here that understood how important it was to not work a day in your life, instead drive around sports cars barefoot all day under the sunny palm trees, singing and smiling while my extra-long ponytail sways in the breeze. Seriously, Thomas’s love for EVERYTHING American/Californian should be taught in classrooms and lecture halls across this great nation. From the Pacific Ocean to Arby’s, he cherishes it ALL and wants YOU to know how happy it makes him feel.
I’m fairly confident Thomas Anders and Uncle TNUC were separated at birth. From cruising down the PCH with one-dangling earring glistening in the sun…to dancing/twirling on lifeguard towers at sunset when nobody else is around, it’s the only reasonable thought that makes any sense. Some may argue that the guy in this video is actually TNUC, but I would assure those people that it’s not. We’ve just been living identical lifestyles without even knowing it.
uncletnuc.com 