FUNHOUSES.
Posted on October 14, 2013 1 Comment
If you ventured into “funhouses” during the 1980’s and are living to tell about it, consider yourself lucky. Lucky that you aren’t DEAD + BURIED. Grandfather TNUC told tales of how kids were being swallowed up inside these things, and if Grandfather TNUC said it, consider it true. To this day, the entire concept of the carnival, fair or traveling amusement park is pretty terrifying to begin with. The typical deal is that a bunch of strangers roll into your city or town who have been tearing it up on the road for God knows how long, some of them possibly even born on the road, facing a lifelong sentence of being a carny. Rides are set up with just enough nuts + bolts installed the equipment to not kill anyone…but even if that happens, they’ll be packed up and off to the next town before a lawsuit or investigation can even begin. Normally trailer-semis unfold to what becomes the full-blown funhouse. Space is limited inside, which allows for elaborate wackiness and in-your-face hijinks. Curious ones like TNUC like to creep around to the backside of the funhouse to see how this magical transformation takes place, but quickly turn back and walk away after getting some rapey glares from the bearded lady and lobster boy who are on break, sharing a carton of cigarettes.
Presented so far is a pretty grim look at the funhouse, but I assure you TNUC is a longtime supporter of these places. The funhouse is a staple at the typical carnival, but probably remains the most unpopular attraction of the bunch. It’s an easy attraction to skip if you’re a thrill-seeker who paid to go on a ride that will have you hurling up that combination fried-dough-corn-dog you insisted on having. The next time you frequent the fair or carnival, take a stroll through the funhouse. The comic book-style artwork and design alone should lure you inside – it’s usually pretty impressive, many times with horror as a main focal point, which is a great feature if your fair comes around during the summer months (it’s like having an off-season haunted house). Blinking and fluorescent lights are peppered throughout the exterior and usually the carnies, being big heavy metal fans, blast this type of heavy metal to allure crowds over:
The inner-features of the funhouse vary from one carnival production to the next. If lucky you’ll get a walkthrough and you won’t be forced to ride in a foolish cart. Walkthroughs are appealing because it allows you and your group to roam free. If you happen to be on a hot carnival date, this might be your chance to seduce your partner behind a dark corner…just try to avoid being eaten by a ghoulie, clown or inbred carny-worker. Most commonly the entire walkthrough will be a maze consisting of such features as tipping/moving floors, strobe lights, distorting mirrors, dark corridors, loud noises, fog and strange smells……with a slam-damn guarantee on the bad smells.
My recommendation to people who have the unfortunate disadvantage of not being able to visit a nearby funhouse, your best bet is renting Ghoulies 2 or The Funhouse for the most accurate depiction of what generally happens inside. Take it as a warning!
Below, an abandoned funhouse.
CHAINSAW’S ALARM CLOCK.
Posted on October 10, 2013 2 Comments
No one on this planet wakes up as refreshed and ready to conquer the day like Francis “Chainsaw” Gremp. If you’re the type that has trouble waking up in the morning, my advice to you is to follow the advice of this horror-obsessed student from Ocean Front High..
Up and at em’! Just look at the expressions on his face throughout the sequence. Is that not how you’d like to wake up every morning? Sure, that blissful look is partly due to particular morning glory-symptoms from hazy dreams about the new Italian exchange student Anna-Maria, but the hand was a big help too. Go ahead and toss your digital alarm clocks in the garbage because this severed hand tickling your neck is all you’ll require for a proper way to start your day. TNUC will begin to examine Chainsaw’s amazing bedroom on post coming next week. Stay tuned..
COME TO ME.
Posted on October 7, 2013 2 Comments
As much as TNUC looks forward to a good ol’ homicidal, disfigured maniac stalking the streets after a pack of promiscuous teens, it’s nice to see the tables turn once in a while. In 1988’s Fright Night Part 2, babe-vamp Regine Dandrige has big plans of avenging her brothers death (Jerry “Trench-coat” Dandrige) by turning young Charley Brewster into a bloodsucking creature of the night so that he can face the ultimate punishment that he deserves – immortality. Regine is quite the alluring hellcat who mesmerizes Charley with her sultry moves and tender touch.
TNUC likes to think of himself as someone who could easily turn away from Regine’s hypnotic eyes and find the strength to slay this nighttime biter…but if I ran into this sort of situation while Deborah Holland’s ‘Come to Me’ was playing in the background, forget it. I’d be neck-to-fangs with the she-bat and soon be living in eternal hell! But at least I’d be going out with a wonderful roll-in-the-hay with Regine Dandrige. It could be worse.
This song comes from the still-unreleased soundtrack to the film and capitalizes on one of the pivotal themes from the first Fright Night movie, Brad Fiedel’s ‘Come to Me’. The vocals on the original song were weak and didn’t produce the boner-chiling vibes that you’re hearing now. I always preferred the moodier instrumental, which we featured here on a post for CAMP TNUC back in 2009. Watching the sequel led me to realize that the song needed a woman’s touch, which happened when Deborah Holland was asked to cover the track. The music is taken to it’s sexual peak and I could not be happier with having this bootleg version from our bud Phaota which upon first listen made me feel like I was living in some VHS-sexual-dream-fantasy. Hopefully you experience similar symptoms. Enjoy.
TIS’ THE SEASON.
Posted on October 3, 2013 2 Comments
Look who’s freshly waxed Trans Am just came rumbling down the dusty road to CAMP TNUC. Why if it isn’t Uncle T himself! This year he has some special plans for the new batch of counselors who think it’s wise to go skinny-dipping alone in the lake at night. It’s October, which means his primal and sensual urges are at full-swing, a nightly blood lust that must be fulfilled. But wait, it looks like the trunk of his Trans Am is about to burst with what appear to be…boxes of cereal?
Monster Cereal that is. I can think of no better way to kick off this month-long horror celebratory splurge than sitting down to a cold bowl of Monster Cereals from General Mills; Boo Berry, Frute Brute, Frankenberry, Yummy Mummy and the big man on campus, Count Chocula. I think it’s safe to assume that most people reading this are already aware of the return of Monster Cereals in 2013, but in the rare situation that you are not, now you’ve gained the wisdom to know what needs to be done.
So yeah, immediately after reading this entry, drive to your nearest Target store and buy up every Monster Cereal in plain sight. If this requires you to rent one of those bright-orange storage units that people keep bodies in to stockpile your hoards of Monster Cereals secured and safe, so be it. This monstrous comeback to the breakfast and horror communities is happening only now, and we have the fine folks of General Mills to thank for that. Don’t burn down your Target store if for some reason they aren’t carrying it, only because it will probably somehow trace back to Uncle TNUC and with all my divorce hearings, mopary allegations and quaalude-trafficking charges, I can’t afford anymore hijinks on my record.
To see extreme-close-ups of these beauties and to keep a watchful eye on TNUC this October, follow him on Instagram @uncletnuc.
CARPENTER BRUT.
Posted on September 18, 2013 2 Comments
As I type this, we’re smack dab in the middle of September and that means it’s that time of year when TNUC’s thirst for Halloween is at maximum overdrive. Days literally crawl by with the aching desire for EVERYTHING Halloween. As I sit here wanting to infect you disciples with every horror-flavored item and announcement we have in store this season, I somehow find a shred of discipline and decide to play by the rules. TNUC can’t unveil anything right now. Simply put, it’s too early and we wouldn’t want to prematurely splurge.
I have synth-lords Carpenter Brut to thank for lending TNUC a helping hand with not bopping my bologna too early in the Halloween season. Even though my anticipation for their newest EP of melodic macabre is sky-high, getting a taste of one of the new tracks Obituary was just the right amount of spook to keep me at bay until October.
For those new to Carpenter Brut, you’re in for a treat. Gritty electronic sounds combine with icey-synths that create a signature yet familiar sound reminiscent of the horror and eroticism you’d feel watching a Giallo film. Last year the group released their debut 6-track EP that included first single Le Perv, with a flawless accompanying “video tribute to Lucio Fulci and legwarmers” by editor Silver Strain. This Friday the group will continue their slick n’ savage onslaught with a follow up release simply titled “EP II”, an album that they describe “takes us away from the graveyards and into the mean streets of a crime infested metropolis”. You can read more about that here. But first, have a look at the video (above) for Obituary. It was once again put together by Silver Strain and features no shortage of ultra-violence, Asian girls, city steam, masturbation and good-clean-fun.
Big thanks to these lads for keeping it evil on “EP II”. With former slasher-disco duo Gatekeeper abandoning the genre for something “else”…(blah), we can be happy torchburners like Steve Moore, Antoni Maiovvi, Gianni Rossi and Carpenter Brut are going strong into the beyond.
Album is out this Friday, Sept. 20th. Pre-order the CD/Digital here.
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Carpenter Brut on Facebook
JAWS: THE RIDE.
Posted on August 28, 2013 7 Comments
Recently coming back from an east coast trip made three things very clear to me. (1) Human beings are more obsessed with sharks than EVER these days, (2) TNUC has never stopped and reflected on the remembrance of Universal Studios’ JAWS: THE RIDE and (3) I realize I owe this blog a hearty entry in light of my recent hiatus, but this post will have to do for now.
You know what’s depressing? Some miserable asshole(s) decided it was a good idea to close Jaws: The Ride. They’ve actually closed two additional classic theme park rides that I won’t even touch today, in fear that readers will never return to this site again. My apologies if reading this is the first time you’re hearing this bit of news. The attraction actually had it’s last voyage on January 2nd, 2012 to a lucky 48 special guests on board. For those lucky enough to visit Universal Studios Florida from 1990 to 2012, Jaws: The Ride was an unforgettable, must-see-attraction that even the longest, most sweltering line of people standing the Florida heat was worth waiting in. Riders were guests on a tour boat that would begin exploring beautiful Amity Harbor, but eventually became a violent chase through the water between the boat and the hungry great white shark. Guests were welcomed to explosions, water splashes and a host/captain named Skipper. Like many of the major theme park rides, the attention to detail throughout the ride was incredible. Even while waiting in long lines you’d be surrounded by a number of nautical items strung about boathouse and neighboring areas, creating what would feel like an authentic, New England marina setting.
Lucky as I was to be a guest on this vessel several times, I felt a little seasick when I heard the ride was closed. TNUC being TNUC, I had to own a piece of merchandise from this now piece of history. I got my hands on a Jaws: The Ride t-shirt, featuring a massive shark graphic on the front and bitchin’ artwork on the back with the words “Attacking Summer 1993”. Best part though? Sponsored by Thomas English Muffins!
R.I.P. June 7th, 1990 – January 2nd, 2012 R.I.P.
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