RUTHLESS RAMBO RUBBISH.
Posted on July 15, 2014 1 Comment
Today we carry on with the Rambo rampage that started last week by diving deep into online auction sites to discover a few vintage treasures birthed by the franchise. Out of all the action icons of ‘the heyday’, the Gods of promotional marketing were shining down the most on Stallone. At any given time on eBay, you’ll find truckloads of toys, promo madness and obscure gold. Even some countries outside the U.S. generated their own collection of sellable or marketable Stallone items, which are often times pretty bizarre because of language barriers and low budgets, I’m assuming (we’ll touch on that in a little bit).
Over the years I’ve become a bloodthirsty collector of items from his truck-driving/arm wrestling classic, Over the Top. It wasn’t until just recently that I realized I’d been neglecting the mega saga RAMBO, which of course spawned a whole mess of stuff. Without further ado, here are my current top (5) pieces of RUTHLESS RAMBO RUBBISH…
![IMG_1124[1]](https://uncletnuc.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/img_11241.jpg)
5) Rambo Black Flak Bubble Gum (USA)
When you’re John Joseph Rambo, you spend all sorts of time turning enemies into corpses and brutally wiping out entire armies with heavy artillery. During these times you’re typically alone, either way up in a birds nest or shielded behind a hunk of metal, picking off bodies left and right. Being secluded can get pretty lonesome and sometimes a comfort snack is all you crave. Something sugary and sweet to keep the mouth busy. The answer to that problem is Rambo Black Flak Bubble Gum. The “Black Flak” is supposed to be chunks of shrapnel. At least that’s what I read on the eBay listing when I bought it. There’s no way Uncle T was letting 30 year old promotional chewing gum get away, so head over to the Instagram to have a closer, in-depth look at this excellence.
4) Rambo School Folder (ARGENTINA)
The kid that walks down the hallway with this under their arm is easily the most intimidating kid in school and easily the first one that will get to grope a boob. In order to match the intensity and HEAVINESS of the cover, the inside would need to be stuffed with 80 pounds of paper and junk spilling out of it. So full that it’s impossible to turn a page. So explosive that the spine looks like it’s going to snap and whack the nearest person in the face. But if someone were to venture inside, they’d find evil drawings of teachers, heavy metal logos, treehouse building plans and a poindexter kill list!
3) Rambo Water Squirt (ARGENTINA)
Who say’s it’s too early to break out this year’s Christmas list for Santa?! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the idea of a bunch of workers standing in line in a dimly lit factory waiting to fasten the squirters on yellow Rambo moulds coming out of a machine. These must have been tons of fun for families. In the morning the kids can can have Rambo squirt-gun fights and in the afternoon Rambo can join Mom for some window cleaning. There’s a blue string around his neck which has a clear suction cup tied to the end of it (see listing), making me even more confused. Here’s the full listing: http://www.ebay.com/itm/vintage-RAMBO-STALLONE-water-squirt-ARGENTINA-TOY-/131231098144?pt=US_Action_Figures&hash=item1e8dfba520
2) Fat Rambo (country of origin unknown)
There isn’t too much to say about Fat Rambo except that he looks like a shitty, third-rate bodyguard for a crime boss. Not the sidekick that gets to have his share of the money and ladies…he’d be the other guy who just stands there, breathing heavily and waiting to get killed first. Or does he look like he works in the back of a kitchen at a submarine shop in Jersey? Either way he needs to ease up on the pastrami sandwiches.
1) Rambo Pencil Case (GREECE)
Take a long, hard look at this “Rambo” pencil case. I place quotation marks around Rambo because this pencil case is so confusing it makes my brain hurt. First of all, on the front appears to be Stallone’s Cobra character from a completely different movie, only I don’t remember Cobra wearing a hot pink shirt & yellow gloves. There’s a jeep jumping over a stream and a pterodactyl/ostrich thing eating a snake. On top of everything, they appear to be in some prehistoric-neon world.
Maybe Stallone’s head of movie marketing in Greece loathed his movies so much that he could only eat a sheet of acid tabs to come up with any ideas.
The pencil case sat in my eBay watch list for a few weeks until someone ended up actually buying it. Have mercy.
JULY’S DEADBEAT OF THE MONTH: FAKE RAMBO.
Posted on July 8, 2014 9 Comments
The war was never over for United States Special Forces soldier John J. Rambo. Whether being tortured in Vietnamese prison camps or hunted down in his own country for crimes he didn’t commit, Rambo was always engaged in combat. For impersonator/lookalike Wayne Scott, life has a different set of concerns. The only battle he’s fighting is a homoerotic battle on the dance floor! Say hello to July’s Deadbeat-Of-The-Month, Fake Rambo.
[NOTE: DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH is an ongoing saga giving thanks and praise to a chosen deadbeat character each month. To see the rest of em’, go here]
Required viewing before proceeding (audio is poor so turn it way up):
In the video, Wayne Scott presents himself as a nice enough guy. Almost too nice. He also claims to have known both Frank and Sly Stallone. I don’t believe any of it. This guy is dripping with sleaze. In a world full of imposters, impersonators, phonies and gimmicky people trying to earn a buck off someone else’s career, Fake Rambo takes it to a completely different level because of one thing…ITALO DISCO.
It all started when he looked in the mirror one day and saw his future staring back at him. The droopy face, puffy hair and tanned skin genetic talent he came into this world with was too good to pass up a hot gig like being a shitty, disco rendition of a cinematic American war hero. Wayne Scott holds true to the old statement that “the saddest thing in life is wasted talent”. So in the midst of (real) Rambo’s franchise success he runs into an out-of-work, Italian disco troll in a damp alley and hires him to produce his single and direct the performance video for “Rambo (This Time We’re Gonna Win)”. Here’s what happened…
The result is a poorly-choreographed video featuring Fake Rambo dancing, lip-syncing and thrusting his fully-automatic weaponry to a room filled with…no one. Well, only a frantic Chinese delivery guy posed as a Viet Cong enemy that Fake Rambo met outside in the parking lot. I’ll admit it, I love this fucking guy. His current whereabouts are unknown but I expect with Stallone’s recent comeback that we’ll see our chosen deadbeat making a big return this year with disco hits for Cobra, Over the Top and Nighthawks. 
A NEW BEGINNING.
Posted on July 4, 2014 7 Comments
That wise-cracking, pizza loving neanderthal Uncle TNUC (tee-nuk) is back at it again folks. Over the last two months he’s been held up in his backyard treehouse hangout, eating bag after bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos, watching horror movies and mulling over the details to this new land that we’re calling home.
Weclome to the brand new, unadulterated, unprotected LAND OF TNUC!
The only monumental movement I can compare this change to is when the Double Deuce bar went through it’s slick new renovations. The honky tonk hell-house that was once home to sleazebags and degenerates galore was transformed into a red-hot slice of nightlife, thanks to one man with a vicious mane and freshly ironed pair of slacks. Just like Dalton, Uncle T simply took out the trash and never forgot to “be nice”.
Make no mistake, the grittiness and slaughterhouse-mentality of our old stomping grounds still remains. The place just needed a renovation. So expect to see what we hold forever true; pizza, long-butt babes, fog, synthesizers, wailing guitars, mud wrestling, loincloths, barbarians, saxophones, lethal manes, trenchcoats, t-top convertibles, steamy back alleys, graveyards, crypts, pools lit at night, summer camp, dream-dates, explosions, and so so much more. To put it in a nutshell, our goal is to make this place give you that Friday night with a pizza and a rental from the video store feeling, every time you show up.
Now a question: What do all true cults and covens have in common? Answer: They NEVER want you to leave. That’s precisely what Uncle T had in mind when he designed this lustful land. The navigation bar on the side, for example, avoids having to leave and start searching elsewhere for your favorite TNUC video or mix. Just gallop over to the VIDEO VAMPS and MIXES pages and you can get lost in every video edit and harmonious meditation that we’ve ever done.
Now…onto our feature presentation…
FINALLY…TNUC MERCH IS BACK!
Stickers. Beer Koozies. Beach Balls. Head over to our new store, THE FOOD COURT to grab these beauties before they’re gone!
THE SHARK LOUNGE.
Posted on July 4, 2014 3 Comments
When levels of raunchiness reach a point where a law enforcement sting operation is being planned in attempts to shut down your establishment, it’s more than likely a sign that things aren’t good. This, my disciples, was the heart-wrenching demise of The Shark Lounge.
If someone wanted to assassinate Uncle TNUC in 1991, it would have been wayyy too easy. That’s because my ass was pretty much firmly planted on a janky, Hep C-ridden bar stool at Daytona Beach, Florida’s The Shark Lounge.
It was earlier that year when I received a call from Vince Neil inviting me down to spring break in Daytona Beach. Vince was out of Motley Crue at the time (as it’s been well documented over the years, he spent this entire phase of his life drinking, jet-skiing, yachting, fishing and being a 100% beach bum). I hung up the phone, booked a flight and was touching down in Florida that very night. The first place we wandered into was a stinky, hole in the wall club called The Shark Lounge. My assumptions of this place being nothing more than a tourist trap were quickly put down as I stepped inside and witnessed a freakish spectacle that will be forever burned into my brain.
There were pregnant strippers, granny strippers, mud wrestlers, hookers, wild animals, a house band surrounded by chicken wire and even a one-legged stripper with a wooden leg (peg leg!). Of course this was also during the primetime long-butt era in society, so every female in the room was fully equipped with a high-cut thong and/or bikini…generating a long-butt. This pleased me very much, and so did the monster truck parked in the front parking lot. But things would enter even weirder territory…
The wildest feature of this seedy paradise was definitely the STRIPPER STAGE SITTING ON TOP OF A SHARK TANK. In the middle of the room sat a fairly large aquarium with a shark swimming around inside that the dancers “performed” on. The poor creature swam around with nothing to look at all day but a tiny reef and a bunch of old clams! This is NOT a mythical TNUC tale. It’s absolutely real and I encourage all of you to do some research on this deadbeat establishment.
Several years later a 16-month investigation by Daytona Beach’s vice squad resulted in a raid of The Shark Lounge where police made over 20 arrests for prostitution, cocaine trafficking and God knows what else. They called the sting “operation chum bucket” and one officer was quoted saying “it hasn’t been cleaned in over 1,000 years”…”it’s skanky, it’s filthy…if I was a roach, I wouldn’t live inside”.
Uncle T just wonders if that shark is still alive and and is up for adoption. I’d be thrilled to bring him or her home to Castle TNUC to stay up all night and listen to old tales from their dastardly days at The Shark Lounge!
DANCING FANTASY.
Posted on June 12, 2014 3 Comments
This week I’ve been locked inside the TNUC lair, hypnotized by the sounds of Dancing Fantasy, a German duo who bring that salty and sunwashed sound of our coastal states to your ears. During the early 1990’s the group released a string of incredible ambient synth/jazz records, the majority of them containing themes that focus on a certain time of day or particular setting.
Dancing Fantasy – California Girls d/l
Leave it to a bunch of Europeans who live some 5,000 miles from California to craft more accurate sounds than people who live here attempt to do. Jan Hammer, Tangerine Dream, Vangelis, Harold Faltermeyer…the list goes on. For decades these artists have demonstrated their ability to create music that captures the blissful feeling of being on vacation in places like Miami and Los Angeles…and even down various avenues of suburban, small town America. Their unique perspective of these destinations from such an outside view obviously has proven to be rewarding.
JUNE’S DEADBEAT OF THE MONTH: ARTIE THE COOK [SUMMER CAMP EDITION].
Posted on June 10, 2014 2 Comments
The birds are chirpin’ and the sun is shining. Sunlight glimmers on the cool lake and a soft wind brushes through the maple trees. Canoes align the dock on a shoreline that stretches as far as the eye can see. Camp counselors prepare cabins and set up archery lanes. Dozens of excited youngsters anxiously wait for their buses to turn the corner and arrive at Camp Arawak. Last but certainly not least is the kitchen staff who prepare the daily slop to be serving tables at the mess hall, headed by a burly pedophile cook named Artie!
[NOTE: DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH is an ongoing saga giving thanks and praise to a chosen deadbeat character each month. To see the rest of em’, go here]
This piggish wonder of the world was picked up on our deadbeat radar and comes to us of course from 1981’s Sleepaway Camp. The first sign of Artie’s mega-sleaziness happens the first moment he steps on screen. As the kids arrive at Camp Arawak, he’s seen making a classic creep-pedo-stare as they run to their cabins, while muttering things like “Look at all that fresh young chicken. Where I come from, we call em’ baldies.”…
That’s right, this is by far the furthest we’ve sunken into the depths of depravity for this ongoing feature thanks to this sexual predator lowlife.
Later that day he lures young Angela into the back food storage area and tells her he has something she’s “gonna like real good”, then proceeds to unbutton his belt. Angela’s cousin and hero of the day Ricky suddenly bursts into the room and interrupts the almost-molestation. The kids run away and Artie heads back into the kitchen, flustered and heartbroken.
Pause! Notice how one of the boxes in the storage room has a label that discretely says TOPLESS and another that says TUBBY.
Several minutes later we see Artie cooking corn and standing on a stool over a massive pot of boiling water. Then, the camera pans to a revolting but important extreme-close-up of the dirty stained butt of his pants..
Suddenly a hand appears and begins to pull the step-stool out from below him. Without giving the entire scene away in the event that you still haven’t seen Sleepaway Camp (!?), here’s how our trusty head cook appears during his final moments..
Uncle T highly recommends you pay a revisit to this summer camp classic and pick up the newly restored Blu-Ray/DVD that Scream Factory released a couple weeks ago.
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