RUTHLESS RAMBO RUBBISH.
Today we carry on with the Rambo rampage that started last week by diving deep into online auction sites to discover a few vintage treasures birthed by the franchise. Out of all the action icons of ‘the heyday’, the Gods of promotional marketing were shining down the most on Stallone. At any given time on eBay, you’ll find truckloads of toys, promo madness and obscure gold. Even some countries outside the U.S. generated their own collection of sellable or marketable Stallone items, which are often times pretty bizarre because of language barriers and low budgets, I’m assuming (we’ll touch on that in a little bit).
Over the years I’ve become a bloodthirsty collector of items from his truck-driving/arm wrestling classic, Over the Top. It wasn’t until just recently that I realized I’d been neglecting the mega saga RAMBO, which of course spawned a whole mess of stuff. Without further ado, here are my current top (5) pieces of RUTHLESS RAMBO RUBBISH…
When you’re John Joseph Rambo, you spend all sorts of time turning enemies into corpses and brutally wiping out entire armies with heavy artillery. During these times you’re typically alone, either way up in a birds nest or shielded behind a hunk of metal, picking off bodies left and right. Being secluded can get pretty lonesome and sometimes a comfort snack is all you crave. Something sugary and sweet to keep the mouth busy. The answer to that problem is Rambo Black Flak Bubble Gum. The “Black Flak” is supposed to be chunks of shrapnel. At least that’s what I read on the eBay listing when I bought it. There’s no way Uncle T was letting 30 year old promotional chewing gum get away, so head over to the Instagram to have a closer, in-depth look at this excellence.
4) Rambo School Folder (ARGENTINA)
The kid that walks down the hallway with this under their arm is easily the most intimidating kid in school and easily the first one that will get to grope a boob. In order to match the intensity and HEAVINESS of the cover, the inside would need to be stuffed with 80 pounds of paper and junk spilling out of it. So full that it’s impossible to turn a page. So explosive that the spine looks like it’s going to snap and whack the nearest person in the face. But if someone were to venture inside, they’d find evil drawings of teachers, heavy metal logos, treehouse building plans and a poindexter kill list!
3) Rambo Water Squirt (ARGENTINA)
Who say’s it’s too early to break out this year’s Christmas list for Santa?! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the idea of a bunch of workers standing in line in a dimly lit factory waiting to fasten the squirters on yellow Rambo moulds coming out of a machine. These must have been tons of fun for families. In the morning the kids can can have Rambo squirt-gun fights and in the afternoon Rambo can join Mom for some window cleaning. There’s a blue string around his neck which has a clear suction cup tied to the end of it (see listing), making me even more confused. Here’s the full listing: http://www.ebay.com/itm/vintage-RAMBO-STALLONE-water-squirt-ARGENTINA-TOY-/131231098144?pt=US_Action_Figures&hash=item1e8dfba520
2) Fat Rambo (country of origin unknown)
There isn’t too much to say about Fat Rambo except that he looks like a shitty, third-rate bodyguard for a crime boss. Not the sidekick that gets to have his share of the money and ladies…he’d be the other guy who just stands there, breathing heavily and waiting to get killed first. Or does he look like he works in the back of a kitchen at a submarine shop in Jersey? Either way he needs to ease up on the pastrami sandwiches.
1) Rambo Pencil Case (GREECE)
Take a long, hard look at this “Rambo” pencil case. I place quotation marks around Rambo because this pencil case is so confusing it makes my brain hurt. First of all, on the front appears to be Stallone’s Cobra character from a completely different movie, only I don’t remember Cobra wearing a hot pink shirt & yellow gloves. There’s a jeep jumping over a stream and a pterodactyl/ostrich thing eating a snake. On top of everything, they appear to be in some prehistoric-neon world.
Maybe Stallone’s head of movie marketing in Greece loathed his movies so much that he could only eat a sheet of acid tabs to come up with any ideas.
The pencil case sat in my eBay watch list for a few weeks until someone ended up actually buying it. Have mercy.