MYSTERY MEAT MIX 3: ROOM FOR DESSERT?
“Room for dessert?” Grandma TNUC asks in that sweet voice, as she slides a putrid-green thing filled with God-knows-what nuclear waste across the dinner table. Family members gasp and shriek in horror when they see what just landed on the otherwise very pleasant Thanksgiving holiday spread.
Kids at the kid’s table run away crying. In-laws quietly creep out the back door and get in their cars. It’s worse than any steaming roadkill scraped off the highway. It’s scarier than Aunt Bethany’s cat food Jell-O from the Griswold’s infamous family Christmas of 1989.
Poor old Granny T used to be a wonder in the kitchen. Her hot dog casseroles and ambrosia salads were talked about several towns away. But the old buzzard was finally showing her age and starting to lose her marbles. At the last family function, Cousin Larry found several cigarette butts in his soup, cranberry sauce mixed with moth balls, her new “Peppermint Schnapps Pie” recipe and finally, a hearing aid floating in a cup of Egg Nog.
Granny T tries her damnedest, but one thing’s for sure..she isn’t so out of touch or loopy to notice people’s reactions to her cooking. It breaks her heart to know that her time is almost up.
Suddenly from the living room there is a devastating stomping coming closer. People look up and it’s Uncle TNUC himself, abruptly waken from a 3 hour nap after polishing off that bottle of Wild Turkey in the morning. He witnesses what’s going on and sees Grandma TNUC’s heartbroken face. His fist slams down on the table, sending drinks splashing and the white fine china dinnerware chattering. He lashes out at the family members, scolding them about how ungrateful they’ve become. He mumbles something about how they could possibly treat Nana this way after “all she’s been through”. No one knows what this means, and he’s rambling…but they let him finish.
UT pulls up a chair and grabs a massive spoonful of Nana’s nuclear casserole. He swallows and then pauses. Suddenly a belch so loud erupts that it shakes the dining room table and even the family dog does the paws over the eyes thing. His face turns a sour, swampy color and seconds later he face-plants into the table.
Remembering what happened after that fateful dessert of 1982 is hazy but one memory is quite clear. After peeling his face off the dinner plate hours later, he went up to his old bedroom and put together another mixture of appetizing songs to help his symptoms. It’s the 3rd mixtape in the ‘Mystery Meat’ series and we have it right here in time for the holidays!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, DISCIPLES.
Listen however you please, but I strongly recommend taking this one on the road. Aside from being obviously food-themed, it’s also heavily inspired by TNUC’s favorite holiday travel movies. These songs make me think of the open road and the way the sun hits this time of year. Have fun.