MYSTERY MEAT MIX (UPDATED).
Can ‘ya smell it? That tingling aroma of meat and Chex Mix could only mean one thing. Uncle T must be in the kitchen, wearing that “Kiss the Cook” apron and cooking up his mysterious meat spread that promises to put guests/listeners into a maximum food coma. That’s right, the MYSTERY MEAT MIX is back! Well, sort of.
Taking a step back and reflecting over last year’s mix, it was obvious that some adjustments needed to be made. So we trimmed the fat, sucked out the lard, sprinkled some garnish and packed as much Grade A meat as was possible in under one hour. Now juicer, leaner and more tender – we’re happy with the results. So gather the family and crank this one to eleven. Again, if you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas, you’re actually in luck as this mix goes great with wintertime dance parties and solo eggnog binges.
¿¿¿Tracklisting??? That’s the Mystery!
This year’s mix is dedicated to all the drunken, out of work, bum Uncles of the world. The one your family avoids 95% of the year but during the holidays feel guilty enough to invite him at the last minute. You know the guy. In his mind, he’s the life of the party – from his unfiltered, cringe-worthy statements to his late night confessions which range from stories about Vietnamese hookers to how vinyl siding is the only way to go. The older family members who’ve had to put up with him the longest roll their eyes when he walks in the door holding only a case of generic, snake-piss beer and a power drill. He drove straight from the construction site, the place where they laid him off months ago but he continues to show up to in the morning. His relatives’ anxiety levels grow as his 17th can of Milwaukee’s Best goes flying towards the fireplace. They know what’s coming. When it’s time for dinner, suddenly he and the female next door neighbor are nowhere to be found but moaning noises are heard coming from the basement. Also the casserole dish is missing from the table. They don’t even want to know what happened to the dish nor do they want it back. Later that night he polishes off the 100 year old bottle of scotch and face-plants into the Christmas tree while taking down Great-Gramps with the gimpy leg in the process. All anyone can do is let him sleep it off. The fun old-fashioned family affair concludes with a rude awakening at 7:00 am. Family members head into to the kitchen for breakfast and find him passed out naked on the doggy bed in the fetal position. This one’s for YOU pal.
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