TOP OF THE HILL MIX.

They say you never forget the first time you fall in love. For me it was at Squaw Valley during the winter of ’91. The air was cold and passions were hot. I never did catch her name.

That year I trained for Squaw Valley’s annual ‘Downhill Invitational’ like I’d never trained for anything in my life. Dumping my life savings into training regimens and expensive gear, while neglecting my own family and friends because my fight to the top was so pivotal. At no point during this focused determination did I realize that all of my hard work and discipline would be completely wiped away once I got a glimpse of that bare long-butt racing down the mountain.

The day started at 10:00 am — the sound of the gun going off at the starting line felt like ice in my veins. I was off like a Japanese bullet train, pummeling down the double-black diamond trail like 185 pounds of cold-blue steel and sex appeal. Nobody could catch me. At this point when my confidence level couldn’t have been any higher, suddenly everything came to a screeching halt when a beautiful figure was directly in my path like a desert oasis. I dropped to my knees in the snow.

A perfectly tanned, glistening long-butt was tearing down the mountain in front of me. Not just a long-butt, but a perfectly carved, chiseled-by-the-Gods, impervious to cold temperatures long-butt. My eyes and my heart started to simultaneously ache. I began short circuiting from sensory overload. Now helpless from its power, I had no choice but to follow this immaculate, natural beauty. At certain times she would look back at me and either wink or tip her shades down to see if I was still there. Questions entered my mind. Where did she come from? Why wasn’t she wearing any pants? Was I still in this race? Then I realized quickly…none of it mattered.

I looked back and remembered I had been competing in the invitational. By this time I had veered way off the trail due this horny vortex. I was caught in a web of mountaintop-long-butt fantasies (something I didn’t know existed). “Just hold on tight and enjoy the ride” I told myself.

When I approached the bottom after carving slopes at nearly 200 miles per hour– steamrolling through trees, moguls and any obstacle in my path — the long-butt-lady and I crashed into each other. We tumbled down the hill while taking out spectators, judges, advertisement banners and some small children. We locked eyes, saxophone started playing out of the PA system and she said something in another language that I didn’t understand. At that point nothing else mattered. We rode the enclosed ski lift for the rest of the afternoon and never got off until sunset. Windows were steamy.

TNUC’s TOP OF THE HILL mixtape is dedicated to all the fun you can have up on the mountain. Whether it’s throwing back pitchers of beer at the lodge or getting steamy in the hot tub with a lady friend, this mixtape will turn up the heat and get you out of the cold!

*A massive thank you Chad Allegro, Dan Gray (for the artwork!), Warren Miller, Dave Marshak, Squirrel Murphy and The Fantasy Inn in Tahoe City for their hospitality*