RETURN TO SUMMER CAMP MIX.
As the morning sun shines on the dew soaked grass, a rooster lets out a cock-a-doodle-doo, Nurse Davenport’s giant underpants go flying up the flagpole and Uncle T lets out a huge belch over the outside loudspeaker. Just another morning at Camp TNUC.
That prior evening, Camp TNUC held their 2nd annual ‘Beer Can Mountain’ party where we invite the neighboring camps from Lake Waramaug into our lair for a beer guzzling contest like no other. It begins with gathering the worst beer we can find, which campers refer to as “deadbeat beer” or “horse piss”. You know, the bottom of the barrel crap that’s only sold in 30-packs to the low budget alcoholics of the world and the stuff you can’t believe is still made. “Brewed in a prison sweat sock!” as Counselor “Rad” Chad likes to say.
Once we’ve cornered the market in shitty brew, we extend the invite to the other nearby summer camps from up the creek. Computer Camp, Fat Camp, Bible Camp…you name it. Each group then chooses (1) power camper to engage in a battle of who can annihilate the most beers. Funnels, ice luges, turkey basters and other tools of the trade are acceptable means of consumption.
All finished cans and bottles are tossed into a pit in the middle of the campground. Whoever is deemed the weakest and finishes the least amount of beers has to spend a night sleeping under BEER CAN MOUNTAIN. Smothered in a 20-foot pile of stale beer cans dripping with warm deadbeat juice, they do what they can to survive the night.
Everyone aside from the weakest link gets to party all night with the girls — excuse me, WOMEN, from Wrinkle’s Gentlemen’s Club, the only exclusively 60+ elderly exotic dancing club in the Northeast. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t knock these golden gals until you try ’em. Linda, Laverne, Florence, Ruth, Diane and Winifred “Winnie” Whoppers will show you an old fashioned good time that you shall never forget. Plus — as a major bonus, Winnie makes a mean French Toast that you’ll want to devour the next morning to help with that hangover. Just make sure the old bird remembers to put her dentures in!
To commemorate such a meaningful event, we’ve brewed up a brand new mixtape of songs (a sequel to Part 1) that have been playing at Camp TNUC all summer long. Enjoy it and thanks for listening. Now go out and hit the lake!