THE HOUSE WHERE TNUC DWELLS.
Rod, Vikki, Stu and Chip wanted something more this Halloween. They needed danger. They lusted for excitement. They craved passion.
The weeks leading up to the 31st were always fun, but over the years Halloween night itself had been pretty underwhelming. Lackluster parties, curfews, town ordinances, chaperoned dances, PTA regulations, Tipper Gore, no costumes in school, no summoning demons, no sacrifices, no grave robbing, no good old fashioned seances and the absolute worst of all…lame, non-Halloween music being played at parties and nightclubs.
Is there anything more gut-wrenching and soul-sucking than hearing top 40 music at a Halloween related event? What sort of sick imbecile allows this to happen? Halloween is all about celebrating the frights, spooks, shrieks and things that go bump in the night. It’s the one time of year when everyday, mundane things are flipped upside down to revel in the darkness. Give me some vampire rock bands, devilish songs or even something as overplayed as Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. It doesn’t matter. Just keep it goddamned Halloweeny.
Earlier this year, Rod’s Uncle Biff died in a tragic motorcycle accident. In his very small will, Uncle Biff left one crucial artifact…a mysterious, sealed cassette tape titled “The House Where TNUC Dwells” for his nephew Rod with strict instructions to only open on Halloween night, when the moon is full. Sure enough, a full moon was looming ahead this very Halloween. Rod, Vikki, Stu and Chip all looked at each other with the same thought in mind. This was about to be a Halloween they’d never forget.
They opened the tape and inside was a detailed map of how to access the elusive, sacred “Manimal Mansion”. The letter stated it was of great importance to present this tape to the Manimal himself.
Dozens of people had died just attempting to access the old haunted mansion, but in Uncle Biff’s notes it listed how his entry plan was somewhat safe.
They waited until darkness and followed the map to a back entrance of the old Victorian. Coming from inside they could hear thunderous drums, squealing guitars and sensual moans. A tall, lurking man approached the door and reached out his hand. Rod gave him the cassette tape and the man told them to wait. The music inside stopped. The lurking man returned to the door, grinned and grunted “WELLLLLCOMMMMME”.
The music inside restarted immediately. The group stepped inside and feasted their eyes on what could only be described as the best Halloween party known to mankind. The guest list at this gathering was a dream come true. At first glance, a conga line went by with Elvira in the front, followed by Coors Light’s Beer Wolf, Vincent Price, Patrick Swayze, Cousin It, four female mud wrestlers, Dolph Lundgren and the trolls from Troll 2.
Other eyewitness accounts:
• Refreshments table which included a real coffin stacked with beer, one of those glass bowls filled with generic red punch, a snack spread of Universal Monster cereals, slices of Freddy’s “soul pizza” and Frank ‘n Stuff hot dogs.
• Over by the staircase, the Ghoulies creatures were stair-diving into a kiddie pool filled with beer.
• Barbara Crampton was giving cash to a zombie pizza delivery guy at the door.
• Then, Barbara took the pizza to a private room and enjoyed a saxophone lap-dance from oily-sax beast Tim Cappello.
• Bats were flying freely throughout the mansion and no one seemed to care. They belonged there.
• Linnea Quigley was leading a dance group of topless living dead babes wearing hot-orange Hooters shorts.
• Alice Cooper was playing with a bucket of slime he picked up at Kaybee Toys that afternoon.
…and of course, there was The Manimal who was seated up in the tower. He was controlling the fog machines and playing his organ along to The House Where TNUC Dwells mixtape with a big grin on his face. “NOW THIS IS HALLOWEEN”, he screamed…
Now it’s your turn. Enter at your own risk but whatever you do, don’t go in the attic!
1) JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH – TOCCATA AND FUGUE IN D MINOR
2) LOUDNESS – CRAZY NIGHTS
3) PARASITE – NIGHTWINDS
4) LORI CHACKO – ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY
5) JOHN HARRISON – THE DEAD WALK
6) BLACK SABBATH – NEON KNIGHTS
7) BUDDY MILES – CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT
8) DEMON – NIGHT OF THE DEMON
9) MALICE – LICENSE TO KILL
10) WHODINI – HAUNTED HOUSE OF ROCK
11) IRON MAIDEN – 22 ACACIA AVENUE
12) 3 SPEED – ONCE BITTEN
13) KROKUS – SCREAMING IN THE NIGHT
14) DANCE WITH THE DEAD – MIDNIGHT NEVER ENDS
15) D/A/D – MEMORIAM
††† HAPPY HALLOWEEN †††