APRIL’S DEADBEAT OF THE MONTH: CHRIS HOLMES.

April’s appointed deadbeat is a real humdinger. We actually almost had to interrupt in the middle of last month and pull a never-before emergency DOTM. Why the sudden urgency? We’ll get to that shortly. First, watch this infamous clip from The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years, a classic documentary about the LA metal scene.

[NOTE: DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH is an ongoing saga giving thanks and praise to a chosen deadbeat character each month. To see the rest of em’, go here]

Former W.A.S.P. guitarist and self-proclaimed “happiest son of a bitch motherfucker that ever was” CHRIS HOLMES knows a thing or two about deadbeat life. Like many of us do this time of year, last month Chris partook in some “spring cleaning” of some prized possessions from his heavy metal glory days. Before jetting off to tour with a new band in Europe, he tapped a friend to put his 1987 Pontiac Firebird up for sale on Craigslist. Luckily for us, this precious family killwagon can be yours for the low asking price of $1,500…and it’s in tiptop shape!

If the decaying exterior/interior and rape victim seating doesn’t fill you with enough excitement, just wait until you read the full listing on Craigslist. Some highlights from that include:

“This car has never been registered in California and is doubtful that is will pass smog/emissions in its current state.”

“It does start and can be driven, although I would not attempt to drive it any distance in its current condition.”

Laugh it up, but this Firebird has been kicking dicks in the dirt for almost 30 years…and it’s owner was the mean man himself CHRIS HOLMES. Can you even fucking imagine what ruthless partying went down in and adjacent to this heavy metal machinery? This face says it all…

Hop in kids. Time for soccer practice!

Not only did his friend take this touching photo of his final moments with the Firebird, but look what he did to the hood! Now you can forget about getting a paint job AND going to the car wash, ever.

For the record, crowning Chris Holmes as April’s DOTM doesn’t mean I don’t cherish and appreciate what this modern day rock-neanderthal has brought to this world. There’s nothing I’d rather do this weekend than pop a ‘lude with this wild child and float around my pool shotgunning bottles of vodka, then fire up our motorbikes and take off into the Texas sunset.

5 Comments on “APRIL’S DEADBEAT OF THE MONTH: CHRIS HOLMES.

  1. One of my fav. scenes from the Metal Years! It's a shame they haven't released The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years onto DVD. What's up with that!? Too much testosterone on one film?

  2. Was listening to the first two W.A.S.P. albums just last week. Not everything holds up but “Hellion” and “Blind In Texas” – that's some bitchin' hot tunage right there!

    “Hey dude les pahty!”

  3. Thanks for the comments disciples. I know I don't reply much in these comment sections, but trust me, I read every comment and appreciate it 100%!

    Who knows what the hold up is on Decline pt 2. What a shame! Blackie Lawless also needs to get off his lumpy ass and release a WASP videography.

  4. How can a single interview be hilarious, a firm testament to Crude Dude Lifestyle and absolutely haunting at the same time?

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