APRIL’S DEADBEAT OF THE MONTH: CHRIS HOLMES.
April’s appointed deadbeat is a real humdinger. We actually almost had to interrupt in the middle of last month and pull a never-before emergency DOTM. Why the sudden urgency? We’ll get to that shortly. First, watch this infamous clip from The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years, a classic documentary about the LA metal scene.
[NOTE: DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH is an ongoing saga giving thanks and praise to a chosen deadbeat character each month. To see the rest of em’, go here]
Former W.A.S.P. guitarist and self-proclaimed “happiest son of a bitch motherfucker that ever was” CHRIS HOLMES knows a thing or two about deadbeat life. Like many of us do this time of year, last month Chris partook in some “spring cleaning” of some prized possessions from his heavy metal glory days. Before jetting off to tour with a new band in Europe, he tapped a friend to put his 1987 Pontiac Firebird up for sale on Craigslist. Luckily for us, this precious family killwagon can be yours for the low asking price of $1,500…and it’s in tiptop shape!
If the decaying exterior/interior and rape victim seating doesn’t fill you with enough excitement, just wait until you read the full listing on Craigslist. Some highlights from that include:
“This car has never been registered in California and is doubtful that is will pass smog/emissions in its current state.”
“It does start and can be driven, although I would not attempt to drive it any distance in its current condition.”
Laugh it up, but this Firebird has been kicking dicks in the dirt for almost 30 years…and it’s owner was the mean man himself CHRIS HOLMES. Can you even fucking imagine what ruthless partying went down in and adjacent to this heavy metal machinery? This face says it all…
Not only did his friend take this touching photo of his final moments with the Firebird, but look what he did to the hood! Now you can forget about getting a paint job AND going to the car wash, ever.
For the record, crowning Chris Holmes as April’s DOTM doesn’t mean I don’t cherish and appreciate what this modern day rock-neanderthal has brought to this world. There’s nothing I’d rather do this weekend than pop a ‘lude with this wild child and float around my pool shotgunning bottles of vodka, then fire up our motorbikes and take off into the Texas sunset.