JANUARY’S DEADBEAT OF THE MONTH: STEVE THE BOUNCER.

Posted on January 7, 2014     5 Comments

[NOTE: DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH is an ongoing saga giving thanks and praise to a chosen deadbeat character each month. To see the rest of em’, go here]

Trying to choose a favorite deadbeat from Road House is like trying to choose a favorite hair pie from all the sorority girls at Pi Delta Pi. It’s a dirty and daunting job, but someone’s gotta’ do it.

For January’s chosen one, we’ve selected Steve, former bouncer of legendary honky tonk slaughterhouse the Double Deuce. I had reservations about choosing Steve among the sea of deadbeat-low-lifes in this movie because in my eye he appears to be a pretty likable guy. Let’s comb over the facts and understand why:

  • He puts the ladies at #1.
  • He gets paid to beat people up.
  • He wears cut-off shirts to work.
  • He does his job, but never tries too hard.
  • He cares about his image, specifically his face as seen after he roughs up his cheek during the first barroom brawl and is heard asking very angrily, “DOES ANYONE HAVE A MIRROR?!”
  • He treats eligible ladies to a hot night out at the DOUBLE DEUCE. Yes, the same place that sweeps the eyeballs off the floor after closing. Hey lucky ladies…drop your pants and give this degenerate a chance!

Based on the above information it’s clear that Uncle T and Steve share some of the same moral beliefs, but sadly for most of society…he’s a textbook deadbeat. After sneaking two underage girls with ridiculously fake ID’s (Sears credit cards) into the Double Deuce, about a minute passes and we see Steve giving one of the ladies his Saturday-night-beef-injection in a nearby stock room.

“You’re gonna be my regular Saturday night thang’, baby.”
“Yo Steve! You’re history.”
“But I’m on my break!”
“Stay on it.”

“Ah, shit!”
 

I’ll go on record right now and say that the only mistake Dalton made during his debut performance at the Double Deuce was firing Steve. You can tell by the smirk on his face that a part of him definitely admires Steve. He had a job to do and the bulk of those duties was to clean the joint up, but that smirk totally says “I get it”. Let’s turn the tables for a moment…if Elizabeth Clay had lured Dalton into some dirty closet and pulled up that tablecloth dress of hers, “no” wouldn’t be a word found in Dalton’s dictionary. If nothing else Steve at least brought some positivity to the Double Deuce. I for one can’t fault this guy for being at the sexual peak in his life and simply capitalizing on what nightlife in Jasper, Missouri had to offer.

So here’s to you, Steve – a dedicated deadbeat that secured a #1 spot on our January calendar. Speaking of which, who reading this right now would be interested in a 2014 DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH calendar? I already have each and every sleazeball identified for the entire year…so it could happen.

Remember to pay your respects to our former deadbeats at this location!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE HUT.

Posted on December 24, 2013     1 Comment

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Not only the “Hut”, but Uncle T wishes all you disciples a holly jolly Christmas. If you’re injured and bed ridden from crashing your Trans AM on the way to your grandparents holiday party and are now alone, with absolutely no festive grindage to eat, why not give your neighborhood Pizza Hut a call? If the answer to that question is because I don’t want to feel any worse than I already do, than at least find some joy in the following excavated commercial jingle from 1983 – in Hi-Fi audio! Exclusively on TNUC: **UPDATE** This track has been taken down until next Christmas! If you REALLY want it, send me an email and I’ll forward it over.

2013 was another banner year for us, and I thank all of you for allowing some of your precious time to be taken up by my ramblings on pizza, the Barbarian Brothers, saxophone, summer camp, Vanity, fog, WWF, synth music, Dolph Lundgren, Kelly Bundy, Patrick Swayze, quaaludes, horror movies, forgotten warriors and well, you know the rest!

Mark my words…2014 will bring new TNUC merchandise, FINALLY. Be sure to follow TNUC on all the various outputs including Instagram, Soundcloud and Facebook.

new tnuc deer

KEVIN’S LOST DINNER.

Posted on December 20, 2013     1 Comment

“Bless this highly nutritional microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.”

There’s so much to love about Home Alone, but something about this 9 year old not giving this good looking, well balanced, nuked dish a simple bite that never ceases to frustrate me to my very core….I know i’m not alone in this either.

This isn’t the first marvelous looking plate of food that Kevin sat down to feast on. From his Little Nero’s personal cheese pizza, to that ice cream sundae explosion that he scarfed down while watching Angels With Filthy Souls, to the steaming hot thin crust pizza courtesy of the Plaza Hotel on the limo drive over to Duncan’s Toy Shop in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York…let’s face it, Kevin knew how to eat.

Some brave and generous soul took the time to put together the following video of Kraft and Velveeta vintage commercials that really relaxed TNUC when he recently watched it all the way through. There’s something about these recipes and their phenomenal blend of cheese and fat that helped TNUC forget about Kevin’s lost dinner.

 

OK, time to get the kitchen staff pumping out these dishes by the 25th. Don’t be surprised if the next update you hear about TNUC is his triple bypass surgery.

ORIGINS OF THE BOGLINS.

Posted on December 16, 2013     3 Comments

Every so often I have to remind myself that a Christmas Boglin just doesn’t exist. Given the fact that Mattel pumped out not one, but two Halloween editions of these rubbery bundles of joy, and that their green & yellow flesh somewhat resembles the Grinch’s putrid skin, it seemed like a Christmas version would come out of natural progression. But that never happened! So if you’re insisting on bringing your Boglin home for the holidays this year but are embarrassed about his lack of Christmas flare, throw your cat’s Santa hat on him, strap a bottle of spiked Bog-Nog to those dangly arms of his and you’ll be a golden God in the eye of your family.

* *If you haven’t already, be sure to read TNUC’s first passage about the Boglins from 2012 here before continuing* *

The real reason why they’re in the spotlight this week is in response to a recent message that landed on the desk of TNUC regarding the actual origins of the Boglins! The message came from the toy line’s original creator Tim Clarke, which led me on a discovery of way more than I could have possibly imagined about the beginnings of these freakish little beasts. Prior to Tim’s creation of the Boglins, he worked with the one and only Jim Henson for The Henson Company. His first start in the toy business was designing the first line of figures for The Dark Crystal, which actually never saw the light of day because of issues that Hasbro had with how “dark” the film ended up being. Tim did however keep working with Henson on projects like the Muppets and Fraggle Rock.

 
After eventually being let go from The Henson Co. due to a lack of work at their end, Tim’s next creation would be the Sectaurs, another popular toy line which landed around the height of Thundercats and Masters of the Universe. Shortly after he commenced work on his pride and joy, the Boglins. He had previously learned about the endless possibilities of working with latex rubber from working with veteran make-up artist Dick Smith on The Dark Crystal. Using this knowledge and inspiration from Mexican “Olmec” heads, the Boglins were created. Even on the earliest prototype of the puppet, they were easily hand-operated and somewhat human-like. If you pulled on the original Boglin’s tail, it’s hands would open and close.

 
Deals were made and contracts were signed that in time had Tim’s creatures in the hands of Mattel and the Boglins as we know would rise to success and popularity. Years later and following multiple versions of the puppets (both big & small), the final Boglin was released sometime during the nineties.

Recently there’s been a resurgence and appreciation of these grotesque but lovable tiny beings. Besides being traded by collectors for high prices on auction sites, over the past few months I’ve seen Boglin t-shirts and artwork being bought and sold from fans. As for mastermind Tim Clarke, he unveiled a new toy line called TOTIMS at Designer-Con in Pasadena, CA last November. Be sure to head on over to his site TimClarkeToys.tumblr.com to see more behind the scenes photos, drawings and prototypes of the beloved Boglins!

 

DECEMBER’S DEADBEAT OF THE MONTH: ELLIS.

Posted on December 3, 2013     2 Comments

If it weren’t for a certain slimy cokehead who annually creeps into my life during Christmastime, I would have begun the first chapter of this brand new TNUC feature during the first of next year. But like always, Ellis becomes a strong moral hero every December as we sit down to watch one of the essential films of the holiday, Die Hard.

“Hey babe, I negotiate million dollar deals over breakfast. I think I can handle this Eurotrash.”

 

We can only ponder what would have been of Ellis if not for the fatal night at Nakatomi Plaza’s company Christmas party. As depressed as TNUC was to witness his brutal demise, I have strong feelings that Ellis left this world on top. The reasoning behind this is largely due to the 8-ball it appears that he finished before he was killed. Ellis’ booger-sugar marathon begins before the terrorists arrive and he’s even seen  keeping the party going strong during the violent hostage takeover. By the time he enters Hans’ office to work the smooth moves, he’s sweating profusely and making some of the most explosive facial gestures this side of the Mississippi.

His coke-fueled charisma during this scene ultimately gave this white knight first dibs on the Deadbeat Of The Month feature. From sleazing over female co-workers at the holiday party to being held hostage by foreign terrorists at gunpoint, Ellis remained dedicated to a higher purpose…riding the white lighting to the VERY end.

If you’re out there listening, congrats Ellis. You’ve just been crowned as December’s Deadbeat Of The Month!

TOP 5 MEAT MEDLEYS.

Posted on November 27, 2013     Leave a Comment

The aggressive title to this post would suggest that the following list is a savage stew of meat-themed heavy metal songs, but that in fact is not the case today.

The following feast of carefully selected meat medleys are ones that evoke that crispy vibe that’s in the air this time of year. Weather your entertaining a luscious lady tiger, shot-gunning Egg Nog and butterscotch candies with your grandparents or just sitting around in your jockstrap watching sports, TNUC urges you to secure these on your holiday playlists:

5) Steve Winwood – Freedom Overspill

Totally unrelated to holidays, but there’s something about this one that instantly gives me a mental image of a drunken Uncle dancing around the living room and eventually falling down on the tree and taking it with him to the floor.
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4) Glenn Frey – The One You Love

Deep burn. That’s the feeling you get from this forgotten gem from Glenn Frey’s catalog. He’s always held the saxophone in high regard and obviously it worked out for him. Everyone needs to stop talking about “You Belong to the City” for 4 minutes and 34 seconds and let this one slide in and sink in.
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3) David Foster – Love Theme

Here’s the first real “holiday” sounding track of the bunch, a beautiful ballad from the St. Elmo’s Fire soundtrack. This is a crucial number for curling up with your lady tiger in front of a roaring fireplace, preferably spread out on a Buffalo rug.
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2) Dream Academy – Power to Believe

Weeper of all eternity right here, but in a good way. Like so many others, we watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles every year at the TNUC castle and it’s this scene in the movie that really pulls at the heartstrings.
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1) Hugh Harris – The Rhythm of Life

To me, it’s the official John Candy war cry. The saxophone enters this song like a tidal wave and all it’s emotion comes splashing down right with it. The freeze-frame moment at the end of Uncle Buck when he’s waving goodbye to Tia will always get me! We miss you John.

Here’s a download of all the meaty medleys.

Enjoy.

MOLTEN HEAT