APRIL’S DEADBEAT OF THE MONTH: CHRIS HOLMES.
Posted on April 3, 2014 6 Comments
April’s appointed deadbeat is a real humdinger. We actually almost had to interrupt in the middle of last month and pull a never-before emergency DOTM. Why the sudden urgency? We’ll get to that shortly. First, watch this infamous clip from The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years, a classic documentary about the LA metal scene.
[NOTE: DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH is an ongoing saga giving thanks and praise to a chosen deadbeat character each month. To see the rest of em’, go here]
Former W.A.S.P. guitarist and self-proclaimed “happiest son of a bitch motherfucker that ever was” CHRIS HOLMES knows a thing or two about deadbeat life. Like many of us do this time of year, last month Chris partook in some “spring cleaning” of some prized possessions from his heavy metal glory days. Before jetting off to tour with a new band in Europe, he tapped a friend to put his 1987 Pontiac Firebird up for sale on Craigslist. Luckily for us, this precious family killwagon can be yours for the low asking price of $1,500…and it’s in tiptop shape!
If the decaying exterior/interior and rape victim seating doesn’t fill you with enough excitement, just wait until you read the full listing on Craigslist. Some highlights from that include:
“This car has never been registered in California and is doubtful that is will pass smog/emissions in its current state.”
“It does start and can be driven, although I would not attempt to drive it any distance in its current condition.”
Laugh it up, but this Firebird has been kicking dicks in the dirt for almost 30 years…and it’s owner was the mean man himself CHRIS HOLMES. Can you even fucking imagine what ruthless partying went down in and adjacent to this heavy metal machinery? This face says it all…
Hop in kids. Time for soccer practice!Not only did his friend take this touching photo of his final moments with the Firebird, but look what he did to the hood! Now you can forget about getting a paint job AND going to the car wash, ever.
For the record, crowning Chris Holmes as April’s DOTM doesn’t mean I don’t cherish and appreciate what this modern day rock-neanderthal has brought to this world. There’s nothing I’d rather do this weekend than pop a ‘lude with this wild child and float around my pool shotgunning bottles of vodka, then fire up our motorbikes and take off into the Texas sunset.
BOOF.
Posted on March 23, 2014 5 Comments
A constant heart-wrenching and crotch-tingling debate throughout society over the past 30 years has been who is truly the numero uno girl in Teen Wolf. In one corner there’s the sexy but shallow Pamela Wells and in the other corner…the cute, girl-next-door Lisa ‘Boof’ Marconi. For Uncle T, the choice was clear.
Boof, hands down. Pamela might be fun for a roll in the hay, but Boof is the one who’ll stick by your side when times are rough, play basketball with your dad after school and make out with you in a dark closet even if by chance you transform into a wolf or something.
Pamela will most likely end up cheating on you and probably has an STD that she picked up from Mick “16 going on 31” McAllister of rival high school basketball team The Dragons.
Boof also has a Phoebe Cates thing going on that I couldn’t help but immediately respond to.
Here’s Miles Goodman’s slice of music taken from the scene when her and Scott are walking home from school. Grab the track for free below, or download the entire out-of-print soundtrack here.
Hopefully one of the great vinyl soundtrack revival companies like Waxwork, Mondo or Death Waltz picks up the music from Teen Wolf and releases it in a pleasant little package with some unreleased treats. It’s an underappreciated soundtrack that deserves to be brought back to life.
MARCH’S DEADBEAT OF THE MONTH: RICHIE MADANO.
Posted on March 13, 2014 1 Comment
[NOTE: DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH is an ongoing saga giving thanks and praise to a chosen deadbeat character each month. To see the rest of em’, go here]
Our choice for March is without a doubt the deadliest deadbeat in our monthly feature thus far. Folks, it’s time to sit back and rejoice in the life of Brooklyn’s most intimidating crack addict of 1991, Richie Madano.
Rather than regurgitate the entire plot of Out for Justice, i’ll stick to the cold hard facts. Richie came into this world (late eighties Brooklyn) the son of two sweet Italian immigrants. He was the brother to seedy Italian pool hall manager Vinnie and his local bed-hopper of a sister, Patti. According to local historian and cop Gino Felino, Richie was “always into bad stuff”, even in his younger days. Once drugs came into play, his viciousness took to new levels. Killing innocent people, murdering cops, smoking crack and teasing the handicapped are just some of the fun & games that Richie brought to the ol’ neighborhood during his rampage.
I suppose Richie would eventually deserve to get his ass handed to him by a New York cop that makes a beret and sleeveless t-shirt look very menacing, which is exactly what happens in the final moments of Out for Justice. Detective Gino Felino party crashes Richie’s girlfriend’s house and takes out each of Richie’s mamalukes one by one. Then using his black-belt aikido moves and every kitchen appliance available, he kills Richie by putting a corkscrew bottle opener through his head.
So what has TNUC learned from this late-great Deadbeat? Well, to this day if someone cuts me off while driving and I feel an urge to yell at them out my window, I first make sure it’s not Richie in his IROC-Z! (see consequences below).
MOVING CAMERA (ALT SCORE).
Posted on February 26, 2014 3 Comments
Please stop whatever you’re doing and focus your energy on the following:
What you’ve just witnessed is absolutely real. As in, real cameras operated by real people using real film. It was actually a theater trailer produced by the Los Angeles Times made to show off some of the hot moves that camera people use to shoot scenes using various machines, interesting devices and a really frantic guy in white shorts. Oh, and VAN DAMME.
The scene rules on so many levels. But what if I were to sit here today and proclaim that there was an alternate music score to the clip done by synth-maniac Steve Moore?
Steve injected an already awe-inspiring clip with 15cc’s of sunny, late-afternoon euphoria that even Jan Hammer would tip his sunglasses to. I actually felt strong emotions rush through me while watching this.
From what I can gather this happened after a conversation and request by someone on Twitter to Steve. Keep an eye out this year for his full length score for the upcoming action-thriller The Guest, directed by Adam Wingard (You’re Next).
Long live analog, skillful camerawork, late afternoon sun, denim, leather and gas powered engines.
Death to CGI, green screens, electric cars and smart-phones.
MORE CHUCK FOR THE BUCK.
Posted on February 18, 2014 5 Comments
As hard as I try to save the heavy-hitter-horror output for October, once in a while the orbiting planets of TNUC’s universe align and there’s no saying no, especially to a pint-sized demon of joy like Charles “Chucky” Lee Ray.
Feast your eyes on some samples from a photo shoot done by a horror photographer/fanatic named Jason Sheppard. Last year found the artist celebrating both the re-launch of his site TrueHorror.net and the release of 2013’s Curse of Chucky by throwing a photo session with his pal Holly and his very own Good Guy doll. I really love and appreciate that his inspiration was the toy factory in Child’s Play 2.
The way I dream about walking into this manufacturing plant of red-haired bastard dolls is probably how some kids dream about entering Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. I’d give just about anything to wander aimlessly for hours through the aisles of the warehouse and tour the machinery of the Play Pals Toys headquarters. When I stumbled on these photos and discovered Jason’s unbelievable, vivid attention to detail, my eyes lit up.
Not only has Jason taken exquisite photos, but he’s created a limited run of Good Guys posters, prints and stickers that are now for sale in his store. Extreme amounts of attention and detail went into the artwork and layout, so be a sport and cough up the mere few bucks that he’s charging to grab one of the colorful prints before they’re all gone…and support a fellow friend till’ the end!
But my recent Chucky explosion wouldn’t quit just yet…remember my rambling at the top of this post about planets aligning? It just so happens that a 35mm print of Child’s Play 2 was recently announced to be screened at one of the great repertory cinemas in Los Angeles, New Beverly Cinema. The great Horror-Movie-A-Day will host the event this Saturday at midnight, with the franchise’s longtime creator Don Mancini and director of the movie John Lafia IN-PERSON for a Q&A. Tickets can be bought in advance through Brown Paper Tickets. This one guarantees to pack a madhouse, so if you’re planning on attending, get them sooner than later.
Lastly, have a look at the following TV trailers for the film, and stay ’till the end to see moviegoer reactions (including my favorite, “MORE CHUCK FOR THE BUCK!”)
FEBRUARY’S DEADBEAT OF THE MONTH: GLENN GUGLIA.
Posted on February 14, 2014 Leave a Comment
[NOTE: DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH is an ongoing saga giving thanks and praise to a chosen deadbeat character each month. To see the rest of em’, go here]
Only a sly piece of swine like Glenn Gulia would meander his way into the month that Valentine’s Day falls into for our DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH feature for February.
What sets Glenn apart from other famed deadbeats you’ll read about on here is that he made a living as a successful, functioning deadbeat. While spending his days making coin through the bond market in the big city, this Sonny Crockett protege was able to “work late” most nights – which translates to going out at night and slipping all kinds of women the Glenn special…all this while still holding down a forward-moving relationship at home. This secures him into the very exclusive, functioning-deadbeat category. He even refers to attractive women as “top choice, grade A meat”, a line that actually ends up adding to his demise at the end of The Wedding Singer. That, and when he chooses to fuck with Billy Idol.
My absolute favorite Glenn scene is the one below, specifically the look on his face after he asks Julia “How about I let you lean over me when we fly over the strip?”…
This guy is INSANE and that arrogant smirk kills me every time. But enough about the CONS, how about some posi-PROS? Here we go:
- his impressive blazer/t-shirt combinations
- the flawless head of hair
- the Delorean
- his clear love and commitment to all-things-MIAMI VICE
Oh there’s no doubt about it, he’s a selfish womanizer that lies to his pleasant girlfriend/fiance all the time. However, by the looks of it his PROS actually outweigh his CONS, which I suppose is expected when you conduct this type of important journalism on TNUC.
What do Glenn and Uncle T have most in common? Obviously how they wake up every morning!
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