ABANDONED CRYPT IN THE WOODS.
Posted on October 7, 2024 Leave a Comment
It was an early September afternoon that I went hiking through a rural corner of Eastern Connecticut to find an abandoned crypt.
I had read about (2) ancient stone structures that were supposedly located in close proximity of each other, but had only actually found one of them which was directly next to a path in the woods. The first was a small “hobbit hole” opening on a hill which you would need to get down and crawl through to see inside, resembling a root cellar inside. This abandoned crypt however, was not easily found. As if the locals in the town are going out of there way to keep this piece of history a secret.
Thanks to my pal over at Ghost of New England, I was given walking directions to find the old tomb in the woods which I was asked to keep private for reasons unknown to me. Even with instructions, it was very challenging to find. There was no path, no markings and I had almost given up until I made a final attempt by just walking through random areas of thick brush, dense trees and a mess of bugs and cobwebs. Suddenly there it stood, shrouded by trees and overgrowth.
Uncle T doesn’t really spook easily when finding these ancient creepy locations and I’ve never seen a ghost or apparition in my life. However I’d be lying if I said the quietness of the area and the appearance of this crypt didn’t give me an uneasy feeling. I kept looking over my shoulder into the woods as if something was going to be there. Mind you, this was around three o’clock on a sunny afternoon. As I walked towards the chamber I couldn’t shake this cold eeriness in the air.
The open doorway was approximately five foot in height and inside was clearly enough space for a family burial to exist. In what I could gather from the little information available, the crypt was never completed and thus never actually used for a final resting place. The story behind the wealthy farmers who owned it has been lost to history.
The inside construction of meticulously placed stones to make the ‘arch’ was impressive to see. Until I looked down and saw a racoon skull and called it a day.
With all do respect to the family of farmers who this crypt once belonged to, I had to include this painting by artist Ken Barr because visuals like this one are where my imagination was going on my drive home after discovering this mysterious crypt in the woods.
THE RED GODS CALL.
Posted on October 1, 2024 1 Comment
“The slow fire spreads from the blazing maples to the gold of the birches on our high slopes. The threat of winter is not yet upon the land, but rather a sense of awakening from the sultry bondage of summer—and the Red Gods call. The smell of burning leaves in the still dusk, the bells of night-wandering cattle, brittle limbs on enormous moons, mists aglow in the valleys—these and a hundred such will always be New England October. And to them even the dullest heart must make some answer.”
—“October,” by Ben Rice, October 1945, Yankee Magazine
WELCOME TO HALLOWEEN SEASON: 2024.
These days how I cherish Halloween and Autumn has evolved. While we all appreciate the retail stores going all out for the season as they get creatively competitive with their $300 dollar skeletons, witches and clowns, there’s just something so corporate about it at the end of the day. It’s all entertaining as hell and I love it — but it doesn’t quench my thirst for the real down to earth stuff.
Hayride smell. The crunch of leaves under boots. Rotting apples falling from trees. Moonlit cornfields. Walks at dusk. A rusty scythe. The old town church with the steeple. The old town burial ground. The old town werewolf. Driving aimlessly through country roads. Pumpkins on stone walls. The local DIY haunted house. Horror movie marathons. Tales from a creepy, old book. Apple cider donuts. A hearse driving by.
My words may not be as poetic as Ben Rice’s of 1945 — but this is what I’ve got for you. To me, this year is all about getting back to the essence and purity of our favorite holiday. The little moments count…and they usually come without notice.
I remember back a few Octobers ago I was watching Pet Sematary (1989) one evening. The living room was a bit stuffy so I opened up all the windows to get a feel of that 62° weather outside. The cool night air filled the room and within seconds and it became an immersive movie experience. There we sat watching Pet Sematary with chilly winds blowing in and it goes down as one of the best movie experiences of my life. For a movie I’ve seen 900 times.
Another moment was driving home from visiting a horse cemetery a few years back (yes a horse cemetery in Littleton, New Hampshire). We stumbled on a beautiful and haunting small town a few miles away with virtually no people existing. TNUC’s Halloween Mixtapes were playing in the car and it felt like we were the only people on the planet. We had no GPS directions or any planned route. Just taking random roads to see where they would lead. Right as the next song started, we pulled onto a street called COFFIN LANE and gazed out at the foliage behind it. Spooky season stars aligned and what a moment it was.
You can’t really predict or plan out events like that. They just sort of happen in the moment but it’s what I’m always chasing during the season. Aside from splatter flicks and fun-sized candy, that is.
As for around these parts, expect plenty of ghosts, goblins, werewolf transformations, pentagrams, grim reapers, foam tombstones, graveyard guitar solos, monsters, gigantic gorillas and sexy girls in 3D bikinis! You know, the usual.
Check out this year’s “Harvester of Sorrow” artwork by Sarah aka @slushiehellhound! Can’t thank her enough! The TNUC Manimal sure knows his way around a moonlit cornfield.
Happy hauntings this October, disciples. Stay close!
SEPTEMBER’S EROTIC THRILLS IN THE NIGHT: THE NIGHT EYES SERIES.
Posted on September 18, 2024 1 Comment
With sincere apologies for skipping an Erotic Thrills In The Night entry for the month of August, now Uncle T is really in for it because we’re forced to make up for it by reviewing NIGHT EYES parts 1 – 3.
If you’re a fan of erotic thrillers, you unquestionably know about Night Eyes. Even the most casual movie viewer at least has heard of Night Eyes. Why? Because people walked by these VHS box covers at virtually every movie rental store during the 1990s. As a kid, these covers were my personal introduction to steamy cinema and softcore erotica, long before finding my friend’s uncle’s Playboy stash and even before calling late night 1-900 hotlines (and abruptly hanging up the phone).
Night Eyes (1990)
The first in the series stars erotic thriller king Andrew Stevens alongside Tanya Roberts, with Stevens being a home security guard who’s “hired” to protect a David Coverdale-looking rockstar’s estranged wife during their messy divorce. As we quickly find out in this film franchise, Andrew Stevens’ character Will Griffith is the worst security guard of all time. The rockstar ex-husband is a perfectly burnt-out, miserable musician who’s way past his prime. His ego and all his money makes him a monster towards his ex-wife. Security expert Griffith sympathizes and of course his horniness takes over, with the security guard and mistreated woman left in the house to make sure his nightstick still works — if you know what I mean and I think you do. The erotic scenes are off the charts in this one and it proves that Andrew Stevens really paved the way for the straight-to-video erotic thriller genre.
Night Eyes II (1991)
Andrew Stevens. SHANNON TWEED. If saying those two names back to back doesn’t give you a slight tingling sensation, you better check your libido. Night Eyes 2 is the continuing story of security guard Will Griffith, who this time is hired to protect a foreign diplomat after an assassination attempt. The diplomat’s wife is played by the empress of erotica Shannon Tweed who of course becomes involved with Griffith because Griffith can’t help falling for these neglected housewives immediately after he’s installed his surveillance home security systems. Unfortunately this sequel was too predictable with the only memorable scenes being Shannon Tweed working out and a sexual encounter featuring a bowl of raspberries…
Night Eyes III (1993)
Oh boy. Here’s where things get a little confusing but mighty entertaining. Shannon Tweed returns for the 3rd installment but she plays an entirely different character! All while looking exactly like the blonde bombshell that is she is (and not in disguise). This time she plays a mega TV star on a cop show called Sweet Justice. Tracy Tweed (her real life sister) plays her partner on the fictional TV show. When Shannon starts being stalked by a relentless ex-boyfriend who’ll stop at nothing, she hires a bodyguard and you guessed it — it’s everyone’s #1 security guard Will Griffith! Sexual, animal attraction quickly ensues between Tweed’s character and Griffith. Not only does Andrew Stevens star in the movie once again but he also wrote and directed this entry! Night Eyes 3 is probably the most interesting and dare I say “thought out” movie of the series.
Before I get ripped apart by the Night Eyes faithful, I fully realize there is a fourth movie titled Night Eyes 4: Fatal Passion which is on my watch-list.
These movies are difficult to track down as they have become almost completely lost in the home video market (even streaming). This is the case with so many erotic thrillers of the era. They fell in a strange time where VHS was still reigning supreme but the once the DVD market came into play, many of them didn’t make the crossover. Perhaps it’s because so many titles were lumped into the “softcore” or “adult” universe. This is unfortunate because erotic thrillers have much more to offer. It’s interesting to think about all the low budget movies in the horror genre that initially bombed and went nowehere — now decades later getting the gold treatment and resurgence. That’s due to the horror community being such a tight and powerful group of movie lovers. The erotic thriller community needs to step up. I’m here to support.
Hopefully you can track down the Night Eyes movies and pay your respects to Andrew Stevens, a guy who the genre would not be the same without. One interesting thing to note is that the “story” of Night Eyes reportedly was inspired by Stevens’ affair with one of Rod Stewart’s ex-wives. As Night Eyes director Jag Mundhra explained in an interview with rediff.com “One night, as Andrew was quietly slipping out [of Stewart’s house], a security guard came up to him and said, “Goodnight, Mr. Stevens.” He then realised that the entire house was bugged.”
‘Erotic Thrills In The Night’ is a monthly chronicle into the forgotten world of the erotic thriller movie genre. These sultry titles and steamy VHS covers were at their absolute peak during the early 1990’s but as years progress, they fall deeper into the abyss. Inspired by the recent documentary We Kill For Love, this monthly feature will attempt to resurrect these films and keep you on the brink of seduction. We can’t predict what indecent behavior will be committed or how much illicit, unprotected, promiscuous activity will ensue, but prepare for a wild ride with lots of saxophone.
MINXTAPE.
Posted on August 28, 2024 2 Comments
It had to be done.
Hard on the heels of Ti West’s action-packed trilogy of X, Pearl and Maxxxine, the latest mixtape “Minxtape” from TNUC is a reimagining of the last film in the series. “A reimagining? What gives, Uncle T?”
Well to be totally honest, the last installment of the trilogy, Maxxxine, really left a lot to be desired from my perspective. Was that partly due to my built-up imagination and overhyped anticipation leading up to the movie’s release? Probably. Did Uncle T think Maxxxine would be a sleazy, trenchcoat-noir film with a damsel in distress getting her revenge ending? Yes, yes I sure did. That is my own fault. I absolutely loved X and thought Pearl was also fantastic. That is why I still haven’t stopped thinking about what a letdown this movie was.
Instead of going into detail about my disappointment with Maxxxine, I wondered what it would be like to reimagine the movie with a different tone and spicer attitude. One with sexier moments, stronger characters, emotional highs and savage lows by creating a soundtrack to ease my frustrations.
With the songs you’re about to hear on Maxine Minx’s Minxtape, imagine stepping into the seedy underbelly of 1980’s Los Angeles in all its night prowling, streetwalkin’, switchblade knife glory. Think of movies like Savage Streets and Vice Squad. The ‘down on her luck’ lady hitting the mean streets because she has to, while putting up with a bunch of sickos, punkers and killer pimps — then finally having her way with them in the end.
Listen only at night.
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(I’ve started to sell downloads because these mixtapes always cost Uncle T a few bucks and they are time consuming. Support TNUC and I’ll keep making them for all eternity.)
THE LEGEND OF CARNY T.
Posted on August 8, 2024 1 Comment
During the dog days of summer, hardworking carnival laborer “Carny T” does everything in his power to keep his spirit together. The days are long. Living conditions are brutal. It’s hard work and low pay. But none of that actually bothers him. What bothers him is looking out at the crowds of young people and seeing the sad excuse for modern society. Pure slobs in pajama pants, oversized hoodies, guys with broccoli haircuts and worst of all, “Crocs”. Has there ever been anything worse in the history of mankind? Nothing screams “limp noodle” more than a pair of these hideous, neutered, rubber sandals. It’s an epidemic that must be contained, stopped and inevitably…destroyed.
Carny T digresses. Because when night falls, this carnival takes on a whole new life.
“The day is OK and the sun can be fun but I live to see those rays slip away”
Blue Öyster Cult – I Love The Night
There’s just something about carnivals at night. Blinking neon lights under dark skies as a Ferris wheel rotates in slow motion and frisky lovers make their move. Watching the “Tilt-A-Whirl” spin around as screaming voices carry is almost dreamlike. Songs blast from the “Flying Bobs” ride as cars swing in-and-out, hearing the distant cries of Ozzy Osbourne, Nuovo Testamento, Whitesnake and your kid sister screaming her head off. Massive airbrushed artwork is lit up on the backdrop of rides, depicting drawings of everything from Madonna to “Pinhead” from Hellraiser. The sweet, sweet aroma of corndogs, fried dough, caramel apples, cotton candy, sno-cones, popcorn, handcut fries and apple crisp is something you wish they could bottle up or at least make a candle out of.
Hell, you can even include hay bales and cigarettes into that perfect-smelling euphoria.
Once it’s nighttime, Carny T is so consumed with the dreamlike bliss of the carnival environment, he lets go of any gripes and groans about modern society. All his cares and worries drift away as he makes out with his lady after crashing into each other on the bumper cars. He watches the fat kid from his high school who was held back 5 times stuff his face with funnel cake and it makes him smile. Carny T then takes a swig of bourbon and bums a cigarette from the bearded lady. She rolls her eyes and asks “hunny, is this summer ever going to be over?”. He replies, “I sure hope not”.
This nomadic way of life isn’t for the fainthearted. Most carnies choose this life because they are running away from something. Many are haggard, weather-beaten and not well fed. Some are just a few cigarettes and deep fried pickles away from death. But not Carny T. This wandering warrior of the wind is right where he’s supposed to be.
Oh, you must be wondering what his job is at the carnival? Well my friends, it just so happens Carny T is the proud operator of the GIANT RAT EXHIBIT. That’s right, he not only handles the rats but he feeds them and gives them a comfortable home with plenty of cheese and beer. Feast your eyes below!
So the next time you’re at the traveling carnival or hometown county fair and some carny gives your old lady a look, think about Carny T and consider letting it go.
TO BE CONTINUED…
JULY’S EROTIC THRILLS IN THE NIGHT: DISCLOSURE (1994).
Posted on July 30, 2024 1 Comment
While our nations may be divided, there is one thing we can all agree on. The ultimate trifecta moment in erotic thriller history is the Michael Douglas triple assault of Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct and today’s spotlighted masterpiece, Disclosure. Nobody has been pushed and seduced to the ultimate brink like our pal Michael Douglas. For all the straight-to-video VHS thrillers and Andrew Stevens/Shannon Tweed late night Skinemax splendor, at the end of the day Mr. Douglas wipes of the floor with all of them and reigns supreme.
The only challenge is choosing just one erotic thriller from his unmatched run from ’87 to ’94. Today with great stress, we’ve chosen 1994’s Disclosure, a film that because I’m being forced to pick just one, is easily the movie that gets discussed the least of the three. But make no mistake, Disclosure has it all and then some. Welcome to our Erotic Thrills In The Night for the month of July, D I S C L O S U R E.
Douglas stars as Tom Sanders, a man that seemingly “has it all”. The big office job, wonderful family, wife who looks like she belongs on an ad for Martha’s Vineyard and yes, she drives a Volvo station wagon. Tom is a production line manager at his 1990’s computer technology company and his corporate position is only growing as he plans to take over a merger with a larger company. But that won’t be the only thing that’s growing in the first 30 minutes of this film.
Enter Meredith Baxter, played by Demi Moore, a cutting-edge female executive who’s been hired to head the CD-ROM division. Tom is baffled as he expected to be promoted to this position but the company CEO wants to “break the glass ceiling” and therefore Meredith is brought in. Additionally, Tom and Meredith have somewhat of a personal history, which at this early point in the film is only hinted at.
Things turn dangerously steamy when legs-for-days Meredith calls Tom into her office to discuss problems with Malaysia-manufactured CD-ROM drives (isn’t that how this always begins?). Meredith seduces Tom after what begins as a shoulder massage. They round a few bases before Tom tries to stop from slipping her the big one. Meredith screams at him in a rage with some of the best lines of dialogue in the movie. Trust me when I say this is the only Demi Moore erotica you really need. Forget about that overrated dud Striptease and go to your nearest video store to rent Disclosure.
Tom sues the company after he is hit with a bogus sexual harassment suit from Meredith for their brief horny wrestling match in the office.
Sexual harassment. Corporate politics. Is there anything better? Michael Douglas then goes on a fight for his job and his family against one of the most cunning and ruthless women in the ’90s tech field. One aspect I love about Disclosure is all the corporate office jargon and “merger” mumbo-jumbo dialogue throughout the movie. It’s not a criticism as it’s not irritating but very entertaining as the film is based on a novel by Michael Crichton (Jurassic Park, Congo).
Without spoiling the climactic scene, just wait until you see a 1990’s virtual reality corridor sequence with Michael Douglas as you’ve never seen him before.
Our slack-wearing, high blood pressured, tassel-loafered hero puts on a performance in Disclosure that blows away any of his erotic thriller competitors. What other actor can you imagine pulling this off in their career? It’s the Michael Douglas charm.
TNUC’s rankings for the “big 3”:
#1 Fatal Attraction
#2 Disclosure
#3 Basic Instinct
‘Erotic Thrills In The Night’ is a monthly chronicle into the forgotten world of the erotic thriller movie genre. These sultry titles and steamy VHS covers were at their absolute peak during the early 1990’s but as years progress, they fall deeper into the abyss. Inspired by the recent documentary We Kill For Love, this monthly feature will attempt to resurrect these films and keep you on the brink of seduction. We can’t predict what indecent behavior will be committed or how much illicit, unprotected, promiscuous activity will ensue, but prepare for a wild ride with lots of saxophone.
uncletnuc.com 