MINXTAPE.
Posted on August 28, 2024 2 Comments
It had to be done.
Hard on the heels of Ti West’s action-packed trilogy of X, Pearl and Maxxxine, the latest mixtape “Minxtape” from TNUC is a reimagining of the last film in the series. “A reimagining? What gives, Uncle T?”
Well to be totally honest, the last installment of the trilogy, Maxxxine, really left a lot to be desired from my perspective. Was that partly due to my built-up imagination and overhyped anticipation leading up to the movie’s release? Probably. Did Uncle T think Maxxxine would be a sleazy, trenchcoat-noir film with a damsel in distress getting her revenge ending? Yes, yes I sure did. That is my own fault. I absolutely loved X and thought Pearl was also fantastic. That is why I still haven’t stopped thinking about what a letdown this movie was.
Instead of going into detail about my disappointment with Maxxxine, I wondered what it would be like to reimagine the movie with a different tone and spicer attitude. One with sexier moments, stronger characters, emotional highs and savage lows by creating a soundtrack to ease my frustrations. With the songs you’re about to hear on Maxine Minx’s Minxtape, imagine stepping into the seedy underbelly of 1980’s Los Angeles in all its night prowling, streetwalkin’, switchblade knife glory. Think of movies like Savage Streets and Vice Squad. The ‘down on her luck’ lady hitting the mean streets because she has to, while putting up with a bunch of sickos, punkers and killer pimps — then finally having her way with them in the end.
Listen only at night.
Buy high-quality Mp3 download in 320kbps
Send $6 via PayPal uncletnuc@gmail.com
(I’ve started to sell downloads because these mixtapes always cost Uncle T a few bucks and they are time consuming. Support TNUC and I’ll keep making them for all eternity.)
THE LEGEND OF CARNY T.
Posted on August 8, 2024 1 Comment
During the dog days of summer, hardworking carnival laborer “Carny T” does everything in his power to keep his spirit together. The days are long. Living conditions are brutal. It’s hard work and low pay. But none of that actually bothers him. What bothers him is looking out at the crowds of young people and seeing the sad excuse for modern society. Pure slobs in pajama pants, oversized hoodies, guys with broccoli haircuts and worst of all, “Crocs”. Has there ever been anything worse in the history of mankind? Nothing screams “limp noodle” more than a pair of these hideous, neutered, rubber sandals. It’s an epidemic that must be contained, stopped and inevitably…destroyed.
Carny T digresses. Because when night falls, this carnival takes on a whole new life.
“The day is OK and the sun can be fun but I live to see those rays slip away”
Blue Öyster Cult – I Love The Night
There’s just something about carnivals at night. Blinking neon lights under dark skies as a Ferris wheel rotates in slow motion and frisky lovers make their move. Watching the “Tilt-A-Whirl” spin around as screaming voices carry is almost dreamlike. Songs blast from the “Flying Bobs” ride as cars swing in-and-out, hearing the distant cries of Ozzy Osbourne, Nuovo Testamento, Whitesnake and your kid sister screaming her head off. Massive airbrushed artwork is lit up on the backdrop of rides, depicting drawings of everything from Madonna to “Pinhead” from Hellraiser. The sweet, sweet aroma of corndogs, fried dough, caramel apples, cotton candy, sno-cones, popcorn, handcut fries and apple crisp is something you wish they could bottle up or at least make a candle out of.
Hell, you can even include hay bales and cigarettes into that perfect-smelling euphoria.
Once it’s nighttime, Carny T is so consumed with the dreamlike bliss of the carnival environment, he lets go of any gripes and groans about modern society. All his cares and worries drift away as he makes out with his lady after crashing into each other on the bumper cars. He watches the fat kid from his high school who was held back 5 times stuff his face with funnel cake and it makes him smile. Carny T then takes a swig of bourbon and bums a cigarette from the bearded lady. She rolls her eyes and asks “hunny, is this summer ever going to be over?”. He replies, “I sure hope not”.
This nomadic way of life isn’t for the fainthearted. Most carnies choose this life because they are running away from something. Many are haggard, weather-beaten and not well fed. Some are just a few cigarettes and deep fried pickles away from death. But not Carny T. This wandering warrior of the wind is right where he’s supposed to be.
Oh, you must be wondering what his job is at the carnival? Well my friends, it just so happens Carny T is the proud operator of the GIANT RAT EXHIBIT. That’s right, he not only handles the rats but he feeds them and gives them a comfortable home with plenty of cheese and beer. Feast your eyes below!
So the next time you’re at the traveling carnival or hometown county fair and some carny gives your old lady a look, think about Carny T and consider letting it go.
TO BE CONTINUED…
JULY’S EROTIC THRILLS IN THE NIGHT: DISCLOSURE (1994).
Posted on July 30, 2024 1 Comment
While our nations may be divided, there is one thing we can all agree on. The ultimate trifecta moment in erotic thriller history is the Michael Douglas triple assault of Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct and today’s spotlighted masterpiece, Disclosure. Nobody has been pushed and seduced to the ultimate brink like our pal Michael Douglas. For all the straight-to-video VHS thrillers and Andrew Stevens/Shannon Tweed late night Skinemax splendor, at the end of the day Mr. Douglas wipes of the floor with all of them and reigns supreme.
The only challenge is choosing just one erotic thriller from his unmatched run from ’87 to ’94. Today with great stress, we’ve chosen 1994’s Disclosure, a film that because I’m being forced to pick just one, is easily the movie that gets discussed the least of the three. But make no mistake, Disclosure has it all and then some. Welcome to our Erotic Thrills In The Night for the month of July, D I S C L O S U R E.
Douglas stars as Tom Sanders, a man that seemingly “has it all”. The big office job, wonderful family, wife who looks like she belongs on an ad for Martha’s Vineyard and yes, she drives a Volvo station wagon. Tom is a production line manager at his 1990’s computer technology company and his corporate position is only growing as he plans to take over a merger with a larger company. But that won’t be the only thing that’s growing in the first 30 minutes of this film.
Enter Meredith Baxter, played by Demi Moore, a cutting-edge female executive who’s been hired to head the CD-ROM division. Tom is baffled as he expected to be promoted to this position but the company CEO wants to “break the glass ceiling” and therefore Meredith is brought in. Additionally, Tom and Meredith have somewhat of a personal history, which at this early point in the film is only hinted at.
Things turn dangerously steamy when legs-for-days Meredith calls Tom into her office to discuss problems with Malaysia-manufactured CD-ROM drives (isn’t that how this always begins?). Meredith seduces Tom after what begins as a shoulder massage. They round a few bases before Tom tries to stop from slipping her the big one. Meredith screams at him in a rage with some of the best lines of dialogue in the movie. Trust me when I say this is the only Demi Moore erotica you really need. Forget about that overrated dud Striptease and go to your nearest video store to rent Disclosure.
Tom sues the company after he is hit with a bogus sexual harassment suit from Meredith for their brief horny wrestling match in the office.
Sexual harassment. Corporate politics. Is there anything better? Michael Douglas then goes on a fight for his job and his family against one of the most cunning and ruthless women in the ’90s tech field. One aspect I love about Disclosure is all the corporate office jargon and “merger” mumbo-jumbo dialogue throughout the movie. It’s not a criticism as it’s not irritating but very entertaining as the film is based on a novel by Michael Crichton (Jurassic Park, Congo).
Without spoiling the climactic scene, just wait until you see a 1990’s virtual reality corridor sequence with Michael Douglas as you’ve never seen him before.
Our slack-wearing, high blood pressured, tassel-loafered hero puts on a performance in Disclosure that blows away any of his erotic thriller competitors. What other actor can you imagine pulling this off in their career? It’s the Michael Douglas charm.
TNUC’s rankings for the “big 3”:
#1 Fatal Attraction
#2 Disclosure
#3 Basic Instinct
‘Erotic Thrills In The Night’ is a monthly chronicle into the forgotten world of the erotic thriller movie genre. These sultry titles and steamy VHS covers were at their absolute peak during the early 1990’s but as years progress, they fall deeper into the abyss. Inspired by the recent documentary We Kill For Love, this monthly feature will attempt to resurrect these films and keep you on the brink of seduction. We can’t predict what indecent behavior will be committed or how much illicit, unprotected, promiscuous activity will ensue, but prepare for a wild ride with lots of saxophone.
DEEP TAN MIXTAPES.
Posted on July 23, 2024 5 Comments
A while back now, under an ancient sky and burning sun, there once lived a dastardly duo by the name of Uncle TNUC and Big Mike Colonia. These two misplaced Neanderthals roamed the barren lands of earth wondering what happened to this great land of music, fashion, style and attitude.
Instead of being distracted by modern-man’s tired excuse for music consumption, they took it upon themselves to create musical journeys like the DEEP TAN mixtapes. For serious sun-worshippers only, these mixes have been recently remastered for your beach and poolside listening pleasures.
If you don’t have access to a pool or sandy beach with long-butts as far as the eye can see, that’s perfectly OK because these listening sessions were designed to take you on a dream getaway. So press play, sit back, close your eyes and let Uncle T and Big Mike transport you to exotic destinations where the scents of coconut, banana, pool water, cucumber and resort towels infiltrate your senses.
WARNING: REPEATED LISTENS CAN CAUSE A TROPICAL-INDUCED COMA. IF YOU’RE A PLATINUM BLONDE WITH A BIG SET OF ATTITUDES WHO EXPERIENCES SYMPTOMS SUCH AS A SHORTAGE OF VACATION® SHIMMER OIL OR BRONZING LOTION NOT ADHERING TO YOUR BODY PROPERLY, DIAL 1-900-UNCLE-T, IMMEDIATELY.
Buy high-quality Mp3 download in 320kbps
Send $6 via PayPal uncletnuc@gmail.com
(I’ve started to sell downloads because these mixtapes always cost Uncle T a few bucks and they are time consuming. Support TNUC and I’ll keep making them for all eternity.)
CAMP CONFESSIONS: VOODOO VIOLINCE.
Posted on July 16, 2024 1 Comment
Welcome to “Camp Confessions”, a new column that gives our Camp TNUC counselors an opportunity to share their stories and memories of times at summertime’s hottest retreat. All the hijinks, mayhem, barely legal activity, lovers quarrels and cherished moments to be etched in the annals of history…
Having attended Camp TNUC for many years, one of the highlights besides the mud wrestling, panty raids, tug-of-war or lakeside blob launching has always been the talent show. In classic Uncle T fashion, he typically keeps the host and headline act top secret until well after the hot dog eating contest. Despite tight lipped camp counselors and a signed waiver of non-disclosure, inevitably, all it takes for wild-card counselor Butchie to spill the beans to clamoring campers is a pretty face with a pair of supple C cup melons in some cut off denim shorts. While past hosts have included Leslie Jordan, Vincent Schiavelli, Yakov Smirnoff, Edie McClurg and Fabio, Uncle T somehow always finds a way to bring in a major touring musical artist.
Who can forget when King Kobra and Helix nearly got into fisticuffs at the craft services table backstage over the last Hostess Ding Dong? Well despite that little dust up they still put on one hell of a show for the sixty or so sweaty/horny campers that summer.
While I wouldn’t dare spoil a surprise, I’ve been granted exclusive access to disclose this year’s headline entertainment. You may have seen him perform on Jay Leno’s Tonight Show, or perhaps caught him shredding up “Crazy Train” at the Randy Rhodes tribute show, well, now it’s time to rosin up your bows and strap on your fingerless, riveted leather gloves because Uncle T has done it again…it’s Vivaldi meets Vandenburg and Vinnie Vincent. I am pleased to announce Camp TNUC’s 2024 headliner is none other than MR. MARK WOOD, the world’s first heavy metal violinist!
– Counselor Denny Tiptoe
IG: @neonghoulieglow
WET-HOT-TNUC-SUMMER, PART 6.
Posted on July 3, 2024 3 Comments
For this installment of WET-HOT-TNUC-SUMMER, we’re reporting to you LIVE from the dusted and crusted grounds of Camp TNUC. We finally got Uncle T to pause naked catapulting on the inflatable “Blob” at the lake for five minutes to give us his top plans for camp hijinks this summer. So without further ado, here they are.
#1 PIZZA TUG-OF-WAR FEAT. JOHN STAMOS!
We’re kicking things off the old fashioned way with a classic tug-of-war competition over a hot bed of slimy pizzas on the beach but this time around we have a very special guest. Appearing for “one night only” it’s the star of Full House, Never Too Young To Die, the congo player from The Beach Boys, Uncle Jesse himself…JOHN STAMOS! The master of mousse will referee the stiff competitors and provide live commentary on all the hot ‘n cheesy ‘n sandy action. We’re hoping to get him drunk enough to plug into the amps later that night for a special Jesse and The Rippers performance! Watch video above.
#2 MAKE HITCHHIKING GREAT AGAIN!
What happened to hitchhiking? Where did it all go wrong? Why is it only associated with knife-wielding thieves and criminals? I’ll tell you what…this summer all that’s about to change on the road to Camp TNUC. We encourage all campers instead of taking the normal commute or having your parents drive you, do some hitchin’! Take some risk and get weird. There’s a good chance you’ll be picked up by a nice old trucker named Bubba, or a farmer named Weasel, and they’ll talk your ear off while cranking some John Denver or Moody Blues and telling stories about life on the road. Bonus points if one of them utters the phrase “my take home pay won’t take me home”.
Word to the wise though, if they start with the googly-eyed glares or the driver starts going in the complete opposite direction of camp and they ignore you yelling “STOP THE TRUCK!” over and over, just pop open the door and safely tumble out of the truck onto the shoulder of the road to avoid being murdered. It will be worth the story when you get to camp!
#3 ARCADE MANIA!
Jumping music, slick deejays, fog machines and laser rays! Please give a warm Camp TNUC welcome to our newest counselors this year, Rhonda and Butchie. These two will be exclusively in charge of the games room, which features over 100 classic joystick arcade games, pinball wizardry and jukebox glory. You can’t miss Rhonda as she will be on roller skates for the entire duration of camp (as demanded by Uncle T). Butchie pretty much just struts around camp in his wrestling briefs, but you won’t be laughing when you try to beat his high score on Galaga!
#4 MIDNIGHT SCREENING OF FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NEW BEGINNING!
Get out the sleeping bags and grab your favorite pillow for a night of terror! The first Saturday of Camp we’ll be screening 1985’s Friday the 13th: Part 5 or as the locals refer to it, A NEW BEGINNING. For as much as this installment of the Jason Voorhees series is maligned, we enjoy its weirdness and how “off” it feels. Plus I owe this movie a great deal of gratitude as it was one of the first times I saw a pair of boobs. Not just boobs, but a wonderful set of busty attitudes displayed on a picnic blanket in the warm summer sun. It doesn’t get much better than that. Refreshments and snacks will be provided. What do you think we should stock for movie candy this year? Sound off in the comments section.
#5 MUD WRESTLING FIELD TRIP!
Once a summer we pile into the yellow buses and “One-Armed Willie” the bus driver takes us anywhere we tell him to. After all, he works for a wage of peanuts and bologna sandwiches as provided by Uncle T. So this season we’re road-tripping to a magical place where the mud and oil flows like beer and wine. I’m talking about a little place called the MUD WRESTLING BAR.
The sacred sport of female oil and mud wrestling still to this day doesn’t get the recognition or return to form that it deserves. Lady competitors (NOT strippers) in mud-soaked bikinis, tearing each other to bits inside of a ring while “accidental” or deliberate removal of wrestlers’ tops makes spectators scream and holler with excitement and feverish glee. How the art of mud wrestling hasn’t returned in a major way to this world is beyond comprehension. I suppose it just speaks volumes to how sad and mundane we’ve become as a society! If you’d like to read more about mud wrestling, TNUC spent a whole month covering it over here.
#6 CRUCIAL TUNES!
Campers, it’s now time to remind you that all (3) volumes, yes three volumes = over three hours of official Camp TNUC soundtracks are available at this location. Everyone knows how tirelessly Uncle T worked on these mixtapes because really at the end of the day it’s all about the music. The crucial tunes. If that doesn’t wet your whistle, below is a song we’ve been rocking on the beach lately – “Beach & Burgers” by Clone. See you at camp!
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