FEROCIOUS FORTRESSES [PART 2].
Posted on December 23, 2015 5 Comments
Whether I’m a bright-eyed 8 year old or an aging 52 year old with two hip replacements and a couple face lifts, no December of my life will go by without dreaming about the big-mama-jackpot of all Christmas toys: THE ACTION FIGURE PLAY-SET. For those lucky enough to get one, barreling into the living room Christmas morning and seeing a 4 ft. object wrapped in gaudy, glistening paper might as well have been a religious experience. After tearing through the packaging like Fuller from Home Alone on a 84 oz. Pepsi binge, hopefully what stood before you was a glowing ferocious fortress for your action figures (and not a gun rack or hobby horse). Not many gifts could top these Godlike structures due to their behemoth size and overwhelming amount of things to gaze at. Action figure utopia had truly been reached.
Because these were pricey toys for parents to fork over their life savings to buy, and also because Santy’s elves couldn’t afford the time and labor to provide a playset for every Christmas list request, many tortured young souls went away empty-handed. If you happen to be one of these victims, now is your chance to teach St. Nick or your parents a lesson by shamelessly purchasing one right now as a grown adult and at an outrageous price!
This month we browsed through every Sears Wish Book from 1983 to 1993 and came up with another batch of our most wanted playsets in the 2nd edition of TNUC’s FEROCIOUS FORTRESSES! (check out Part 1 here). Lets begin…
#6 EWOK VILLAGE 
Year Released: 1983
Synopsis: With the recent Star Wars mania happening worldwide due to The Force Awakens opening in theaters, this countdown demanded a kick-start from those furry little bears from Endor. The Ewok’s Village was undoubtedly the hot party spot as seen in Return of the Jedi. Even if you were captured, tied up and about to be slowly lowered into their barbecue pit, the Ewoks were accommodating and hospitable enough to first show you a good time before your sacrifice. Major props to any kid who got inspired enough from the TV commercials and magazine photos to drag the playset out to the woods for a more authentic setting. I have serious respect and envy for toy photo shoots that took place in those faux-jungle, faux-desert or faux-outerspace settings. It made our imaginations run wild, even if a bedroom carpet was the most rugged terrain we ended up using. FUN FACT: Years later ‘The Ewok Village’ literally became ‘Sherwood Forest’ from Kenner’s Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves line. They reused the tree structure with only a few minor modifications. Smart…but lazy.
Creature Features: Elevator, Rock boulder on a string and Barbecue pit which allows a figure to attach and be cooked alive above the fire!
Classic TV Commercial!
#5 TOXIE’S HEADQUARTERS!
Year Released: N/A
Synopsis: Sometime during the early 90’s Playmates released the Toxic Crusaders toy line which included ‘Toxie’s Headquarters’ sold exclusively through the now defunct Kaybee Toys. Just kidding. Some guy on Tumblr named Jungle Rot turned this Fischer Price dollhouse into a fortress of Tromaville real estate for Toxie and his pals to live, using various spray paint colors inspired from the Toxic Crusaders animated series. From the colors to the model chosen to create it, the house looks fantastic and I love where this is going. The actual Toxic Crusaders figures from 91′ were one of the coolest toy lines of the era. The toys shared many color similarities and articulation as the TMNT figures which were also made by Playmates. As a youngster (and even today) I gravitated toward anything related to toxic/slime/ooze, so these self proclaimed “hideously deformed action figures” were crucial to my way of life.
Creature Features: Obviously N/A, but it’s worth checking out the vehicles that were part of the Toxic Crusaders line which include the ‘Hideous Hovercraft’, ‘Smogcycle’, ‘Apocalypse Attackopter’, ‘Toxic Turfsurfer’ and ‘Crusaderskater’! We’ll save some of these for a future viscous vehicles list.
Classic Commercial! How about a mash up of the TV ads?…”They’re gross but they still get girls!”…
#4 MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE: SNAKE MOUNTAIN!
Year Released: 1984
Synopsis: Snake Mountain was of course Skeletor’s main penthouse loft (I mean LAIR) where he ruled and plotted ways in which he’d invade the mysterious Castle Greyskull where He-Man drew all of his powers. The purple mountain is most remembered by the demon face on one side and the striking serpent on the other. Now YOU could have the time of your life using a skull-faced warlord to chase around a meathead in a loincloth in a cave! The photo above doesn’t do the playset justice as you really do need to see it IN PERSON. Even the box is a sight to behold.
Creature Features: Talk into the wolf’s head and the electronic microphone inside will make your voice sound demonic! The fortress also features a Trap door to capture intruders, Prison to hold your enemies, Bridge, Escape tunnel, Swinging gate and of course the Slithering snake.
Classic Commercial!
#3 SHE-RA PRINCESS OF POWER: CRYSTAL FALLS. 
Year Released: 1986
Synopsis: No way could we forget the ladies. So technically the real fortress of this toy line is the ‘Crystal Castle’ but there was no chance in hell TNUC could walk away from this countdown without including something that refers to itself as “a refreshing water wonderland for She-Ra and her friends!”. Without getting creepy about it, let’s just catapult the ‘Crystal Falls’ concept into a steamy adult scenario for a moment. It’s the tail end of the decade and real-life She-Ra and a mob of barbaric babes have nothing to do but spend their days lounging by their private, exclusive water fountain to take in the cosmic rays of Etheria. Also joining them for some splish-splash action is Vanity, Brooke Shields, Heather Locklear, Kelly Bundy, Tawny Kitaen, Adrienne Barbeau, Brigette Wilson and Carol Lambert (1991’s TGIF version of Susanne Summers). Now do we have your attention? In reality, the She-Ra: Princess of Power toy line was very impressive and definitely geared for girls too cool for Barbies!
Creature Features: The “Falls” which was a 3 tiered waterfall that when the hand pump is pushed water flows from the orchid at the top, Shell cushion (for lounging), Towel (hangs on towel bar), Hair brush, Hand mirror, Two water goblets and a Perfume bottle.
Classic Commercial!
#2 SWAMP THING’S SWAMP TRAP! 
Year Released: 1982
Synopsis: Back during a time when Swamp Thing comics, films, a TV series AND cartoon series existed, Kenner produced a series of Swamp Thing action figures and toys which included the ‘Swamp Trap’! The mucky mountain was covered in a mossy green color and featured a giant Venus fly trap at it’s base. The elevator inside allowed Swamp Thing to rise up from the foam material which was supposed to be him lurking up through a swamp! We have to hand it to Kenner for being creative risk takers during this time. Swamp Thing was definitely popular but by no means an enormous pop culture franchise. Still, they were generous enough to provide kids with Swamp Thing EVERYTHING. The mighty bog fortress remains one of the most eye catching playsets of the decade.
Creature Features: Lower your victims into the fully operational Venus fly trap, make Swamp Thing rise up from the boggy depths and hide in the plastic flowers to seduce Barbie dolls.
Classic Commercial!
#1 GHOSTBUSTERS: FIREHOUSE HEADQUARTERS!
Year Released: 1987
Synopsis: Following the explosion of the Ghostbusters movie in 1984 the animated series The Real Ghostbusters made it’s debut in 1986. The show was a sure-fire hit, spawning a series of toys from Kenner including this beautiful multi-story fire station. This was a big one for Uncle T as it was the clear highlight of my bedroom. The fire station stood 22″ tall with features galore, one of the best being the container of “Ecto-Plazm” slime that you could send oozing through the rooftop “goop grates” and onto a figure. The fire pole was another top notch item that figures could attach to by pegs and spin down to the ground floor. Those big red doors were also just the right size to drive the Ecto-1 inside. The ‘Firehouse Headquarters’ held up better over the years than any other playset to date. Its size also made it way less congested than other sets which was especially clutch when the Ghostbusters felt like inviting the Turtles, G.I. Joe and Biker Mice from Mars action figures over for keg parties.
Creature Features: Ghost containment unit/trap, Fire pole and Goop grates with canister of goop (“Ecto-Plazm”).
Classic Commercial!
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Thanks for reading. For those of you wondering why ‘Castle Greyskull’ and others are missing from this list, have a look at Part 1. MERRY CHRISTMAS DISCIPLES…SEE YOU IN 2016!
UNSOLVED MYSTERIES: CHECK OUT THAT 4×4.
Posted on December 20, 2015 1 Comment
Realizing today that TNUC has only 3 weeks left of 2015 to celebrate the the 30th anniversary of Back to the Future, this is probably the best chance to talk about Marty McFly’s real dream mobile of 1985, the Toyota pickup truck.
Before that stainless-steel-sex-machine the DeLorean came into the picture, Marty’s true lust was the 4×4 and we 100% understand. The slick black finish, custom bumpers, KC HiLite lamps…it’s no wonder Marty had his heart set on throwing some sleeping bags in the back of this thing and heading up to the lake with Jennifer. As we all come to find out, he finally gets the truck at the end of the film after Biff puts a fresh coat of wax on it and hands him the keys. However, just before he and Jennifer are about to take it for a spin, that mental geezer Doc Brown comes tearing up the driveway in the DeLorean, wearing a hideous gold robe and insisting they come with him “back to the future”.
Of course when ‘Back to the Future Day’ happened on October 21 of this year (the day Marty, Doc and Jennifer arrive from 1985 in BTTF Part 2) we completely blew it due to being fully immersed in Horror/October mode. It was on this day that Toyota revealed their updated Back to the Future version of the 2016 Tacoma! The company pumped most of the details and gadgets into the truck that could be seen in the movie, including nods to the bumpers, tailgate, headlights and mud flaps. The photos below make me question why I haven’t been able to drive my car around at night with a continuous eerie mist surrounding it.
You better believe that if the top scientists at TNUC Laboratories had been paying attention last October, they would have bribed the Toyota people into letting Uncle T drive this thing up and down Mullholland Drive with fog pummeling out the windows and cranking Huey Lewis at ear-piercing decibel levels.
OK, we admit that it’s still no Pizza Hut delivery truck (something that still remains an mystery) but it’s a damn fine looking all-terrain vehicle. It’s very cool that Toyota got on board to make this all happen. Now all that’s left to complain about is why Universal Studios shut down Back to the Future: The Ride. Not only is it finally “2015” but the movie is still a big deal. Idiots.
Check out this vintage video showing the making of the ride.
DECEMBER’S LOST LEGEND OF THE MONTH: KANE ROBERTS.
Posted on December 8, 2015 4 Comments
There’s a sub-genre in the heavy metal community that we at the Land of TNUC like to call Beef Metal. Within this genre, musicians and performers cite a number of influences who they’ve looked up to for guidance, from usual guitar heroes like Eddie Van Halen to muscled warrior types like Conan the Barbarian, He-Man, Ultimate Warrior and Rambo. Forge these icons together, then sprinkle some Androgenic-Anabolic Steroids, HGH (human growth hormones), synthol, tanning oil and meat sandwiches and what you get is a molten mass of specimens made up of iron and brawn called Beef metal.
Who’s this? Another Rambo rip off? No, we already covered that over here. Say hello to Beef Metal’s hottest export and December’s Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month, Kane Roberts!
It all began in 1986 when Alice Cooper needed a certain heavy metal gorilla to join his band to achieve a heavier sound he hadn’t tapped into before. Enter Kane Roberts. The guitarist not only brought a new heaviness to the band but added a theatrical element on stage due to his action hero physique and machine gun/rocket launcher guitars. After playing and co-writing songs for Alice’s Constrictor album, Kane joined the band on the road for “The Nightmare Returns Tour” which also included Kip Winger playing bass, pre-Winger.
Kane and Alice on stage.
Roberts co-wrote some of Alice’s biggest hits during that era, including everyone’s favorite hit, ‘He’s Back (The Man Behind the Mask)’ from the Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives soundtrack. He continued with the group for the Rase Your Fist and Yell album & tour, meanwhile landing acting roles in John Carpenter’s Price of Darkness and Wes Craven’s Shocker, the latter which he also contributed vocals on the film’s soundtrack. After this three year run, Roberts released his first solo album, simply titled Kane Roberts which displayed him posing on the cover in a dark alley with his machine gun guitar, surrounded by helicopters. The album fully capitalized on themes of sex and power that naturally one should expect from a heavy metal barbarian like Kane. His vocals are equally as impressive as the guitar playing, with Kane switching from banshee-like screams to AOR melodic crooning. Track titles from the album include ‘Rock Doll’, ‘Full Pull’, ‘Triple X’, ‘Gorilla’ and ‘Women on the Edge of Love’. The music video for ‘Rock Doll’ summarizes the decade’s excess and over the top hi-jinks in 4 ravishing minutes. Enough talk. Just watch.
ROCK DOLL! Is this guy great or is this guy great? My favorite line in the song is “A METAL HEART PUMPIN’ LACE AND CHROME!” I don’t know what’s more inspiring, the nonstop close-up shots of audience members thrusting or Kane violently molesting his guitar on stage. The pinnacle moment is when he just about explodes into a sexual tyrannosaurus right after his guitar solo around the 3:22 mark. First he grunts something into the mic that only a neanderthal would understand, then while pumping and thrusting around the stage like a untamed beast he reaches out to a girl in the front row and picks up by her shirt with one arm. It’s all just too good. God bless the director and crew for capturing this moment. They deserve an award. Oh, and if you think the track sounds like a Winger song on steroids, it should because Kip Winger plays bass on the album, so all that’s missing in the video are Kip’s spinning kick pirouettes. Can you imagine him and Kane spending a night on the town? We could write 5,000 words just on that itself.
As I sit here devouring the last shreds of meat from the carcass of this year’s holiday turkey, I can think of no better man to close out our Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month feature than Kane Roberts. It does beg the question of how he finds time to practice guitar, singing, songwriting AND working out. Only rock’s chosen warriors would be able to answer that, but I suppose his schedule probably went something like this: Monday = Chest/Riffs/Triceps, Tuesday = Back/Vocals/Biceps, Wednesday = Riffs/Shoulders/Bicep Superset…and so on….
He stormed through the early nineties appearing on albums by Rod Stewart, Kiss, Desmond Child, Berlin, Steve Vai and others. After releasing his 2nd studio album Saints and Sinners in 1991, the misplaced viking took a long break from music and ended up leaving the industry to focus on his new endeavor: graphic arts and video game programming. Only in the past few years has he been showing up to jam with his friends like Alice and Kip.
**[DISCIPLES: Thanks for sticking around month after month to read about these Lost Legends. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed our feature and maybe even gained some knowledge. Now TNUC asks…what would you like to see in 2016? Please respond in the comment section below! As always, the Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month heart-wrenching chronicles will always be available at this location.]**
CHRONICLES OF THE WASTELAND.
Posted on December 4, 2015 Leave a Comment
Time for a quick excerpt from the TNUC history books…
It was a cold, bleak November in 1997 and Uncle T needed some magic in his life. Something unexpected, even supernatural. He walked the streets at night until he wore holes in his socks. He hit the music clubs. He went to the movies. He read books. He played video games. But he needed something more.
One day he visited his local record shop to pick up the new album by Le Matos ‘Chronicles of the Wasteland’. He went home, dimmed the lights, cracked his bedroom window, cracked a sudsy beer and lay back to listen. Before he could drift into a state of musical solitude, an incredibly lovely barbaric babe appeared at the foot of his couch! What happened afterwards would be an invasion of his privacy and an intrusion on his dream diaries, but use your imagination…
Just when I thought this genre was growing tiresome as of late, Montreal-based electronic warlocks Le Matos return with a 10 track synthy superbeast of an album that’s awakened something inside of me. Leave it to a group we’ve been listening to and writing about all the way back to their Phoebe Cates cover of ‘How Do I Let You Know’ to make this happen. By this point I suppose people assume TNUC is biased when it comes to anything these lads produce, but really what keeps me coming back to is the amount of FEELING they inject into instrumental music. Music fans who argue about a lack of emotion in instrumental electronica shouldn’t have anything to whine about when this pummels through their stereo.
Much like the sleek and vibrant sound of the first record, on Chronicles the band again filter candy coated melodies through a venom-fueled production style that feels enormously cinematic before you even realize a visual accompaniment actually exists (we’ll get to that in a bit). One key difference between this album and their debut is that some of the tracks take a slow-burn direction rather than pummeling from the jump – which in effect creates a bigger, vaster atmosphere from start to finish. The end result is a more “full” sound and this seems like a natural progression for the band. That’s not to say these tracks don’t thrust like the wind because believe me, THEY DO. Before you buy it from Mondo, have a taste of the entire release below.
The second course of the double album is the motion picture soundtrack to Turbo Kid, the “BMX-powered post-apocalyptic splatterific love story” starring Michael Ironside! Yes, it’s been a banner year for Le Matos as they were tapped by executive producer Jason Eisner (Hobo with a Shotgun, Treevenge) to provide the full score for Turbo Kid. I haven’t seen the film yet but based on the description and what the band have done on this album, I think I’m due for a white-hot blockbuster.
Vinyl/Digital Orders:
Mondo: http://bit.ly/1YMPI3L
Bandcamp: http://bit.ly/1N0jSv2
Watch Turbo Kid:
iTunes: http://apple.co/1lADOv9
Amazon Video: http://amzn.to/1QXYb2C
MYSTERY MEAT MIX.
Posted on November 24, 2015 3 Comments
Can ‘ya smell it? That tingling aroma of meat and Chex Mix could only mean one thing. Uncle T must be in the kitchen, wearing that “Kiss the Cook” apron and cooking up his mysterious meat spread that promises to put guests/listeners into a maximum food coma. That’s right, the MYSTERY MEAT MIX is back! Well, sort of.
Taking a step back and reflecting over last year’s mix, it was obvious that some adjustments needed to be made. So we trimmed the fat, sucked out the lard, sprinkled some garnish and packed as much Grade A meat as was possible in under one hour. Now juicer, leaner and more tender – we’re happy with the results.
So gather around the family and crank this one to 11. Again, if you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas, you’re actually in luck as this mix goes great with wintertime dance parties and solo eggnog binges.
This mixtape is dedicated to all the drunken, out of work, bum Uncles of the world. The one your family avoids 95% of the year but during the holidays feel guilty enough to invite him at the last minute. You know the guy.
In his mind, he’s the life of the party – from his unfiltered, cringe-worthy statements to his late night confessions which range from stories about Vietnamese hookers to how vinyl siding is the only way to go. The older family members who’ve had to put up with him the longest roll their eyes when he walks in the door holding only a case of generic, snake-piss beer and a power drill. He drove straight from the construction site, the place where they laid him off months ago but he continues to show up to in the morning. His relatives’ anxiety levels grow as his 17th can of Milwaukee’s Best goes flying towards the fireplace. They know what’s coming.
When it’s time for dinner, suddenly he and the female next door neighbor are nowhere to be found but moaning noises are heard coming from the basement. Also the casserole dish is missing from the table. They don’t even want to know what happened to the dish nor do they want it back. Later that night he polishes off the 100 year old bottle of scotch and face-plants into the Christmas tree while taking down Great-Gramps with the gimpy leg in the process. All anyone can do is let him sleep it off.
The fun old-fashioned family affair concludes with a rude awakening at 7:00 am. Family members head into to the kitchen for breakfast and find him passed out naked on the doggy bed in the fetal position. This one’s for YOU, pal.
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(I’ve started to sell downloads because these mixtapes always cost Uncle T a few bucks and they are time consuming. Support TNUC and I’ll keep making them for all eternity)
FOAMCORE FANTASIES.
Posted on November 18, 2015 6 Comments
A long time ago before the near-apocalypse of physical media, a time when album artwork was just as revered as the music, a young Tower Records employee by the name of Steve Pollutro (seen above) was asked by his superiors to design a few 3D promotional displays to serve as a visual companions for promoting new albums in the store. Using album covers for inspiration and a handful of materials from the neighborhood art supply store, his displays became striking and elaborate works of art. This simple concept ended up morphing into a global standard for Tower stores, with several locations having their own art departments for creating these instant eye-grabbers.
With so many positive reviews pouring in about the recent documentary All Things Must Pass, the Colin Hanks-directed effort which explores the rise and fall of the late-great Tower Records, I thought now would be a good time to discuss (and stare at) one of the distinct and innovative features about the late-great store, the tremendous 3D album displays!
Constructed mainly of foamcore and different paint products, these promotional behemoths were designed to catch the eyes of customers who wandered into Tower. Not only did they help bring the music to life in the store, they also became part of the overall record buying experience. The displays also made the albums seem more important given the grand platform they were hoisted upon. Customers searching for new music were admittedly seduced by the monumental pieces, then motivated to purchase the LP, CD or cassette. Record companies and the artists themselves naturally loved what the store was doing as record sales increased as well. It worked on all levels.
There’s just something thrilling and sincere about seeing Dio’s 8 ft. tall “Murray” mascot hovering overhead while you’re out shopping – feeding your anticipation to purchase Holy Diver and sprint home to throw it on the turntable. If any piece of cover artwork deserved to be brought to life, it’s a heavy metal mascot like this radical demon.
Similar to how most of us agree that practical effects in movies seem more “real” as opposed to computer generated stuff that comes with a degree of emptiness, actually seeing something that you know someone took time to create – using tools, tangible materials and their bare hands – is just way more impressive.
One can only hope that these displays are hung up somewhere safe and deserving, especially that precious ‘Nightmare on Elm St 3: Dream Warriors’ board. Hey Don Dokken – if this thing isn’t hung up in your foyer behind a thick layer of polycarbonate bulletproof glass, please have that squad of local long butts from the “It’s Not Love” music video drop it off at the following address:
Uncle TNUC
645 Pizza Hut Lane
Castle Rock, ME 80106
uncletnuc.com 