HAMBURGERS FOR AMERICA.
Posted on July 3, 2016 Leave a Comment
Leave it to a wise-cracking, America-loving neanderthal like Uncle TNUC to declare that this weekend we’ll be hosting and hoisting the almighty hamburger as the #1 symbol to celebrate our nation’s big birthday.
It prompted a mandatory screening of 1986’s Hamburger: The Motion Picture, a movie that should be on everyone’s must-watch list this time of year after the required viewing during the winter months of the film’s kid brother, Hot Dog: The Movie. Both of course are directed by Mike Marvin, the same guy who did The Wraith.
Hamburger is the story of Russell Proscope, who’s “beef” is that he gets kicked out of every university he attends from getting too frisky with virtually every set of toasty female buns that come into his path. If he doesn’t earn a diploma soon, that promised trust fund from his family will be out of the question. The only prep school that will take him is Buster Burger University – where they educate the fine youth of America on how to manage a Buster Burger franchise. The BBU campus is filled with no shortage of sleazy coeds, lewd hijinks and weekend pool parties – plus a paranoid drill sergeant *played by Dick Butkus of the Chicago Bears*. All our young scholar needs to do to achieve that prestigious Buster Burger diploma is to stay out of trouble and keep the girls off his manmeat.
One of my favorite qualities of Hamburger is the plethora of sunglass-tippin’, high-fivin’, leg-slappin’ music featured throughout the movie. Nothing will stick in your head for YEARS to come than the intro montage music, which TNUC has the proud privilege of sharing today. Listen/Eat/Dance/Repeat!
I don’t know about you, but this juicy dance number makes me awfully hungry, so it’s definitely time to crush a meaty burg’. Whichever sleazy hamburger joint you plan on invading this weekend – Buster Burger, Whammy Burger, Big Kay’s, The Max, The Peach Pit, Honker Burger, Clown Dog or All American Burger – just remember to queue up this song before you head out the door.
“COOKIN’ BURGERS AIN’T EXOTIC…BUT SOME FOLKS SAY IT’S PATRIOTIC!”
But wait…don’t rest for a second this 4th of July without revisiting BIG MIKE’S ALL-AMERICAN MEGA-MOTIVATION MIXTAPE from last year! It will turn that mush into muscle and send you soaring high with the proudest eagles in the sky.
CRAZY FROM THE HEAT.
Posted on June 29, 2016 Leave a Comment
If you live a lifestyle anything like the TNUC lifestyle, it means you STILL spend a wealth of your time shirtless air-guitaring on the couch and watching music videos.
Everyone knows when a David Lee Roth music video comes on, it’s like being treated to a mini-movie. His productions were some of the most over the top, innovative, bizarro music videos to ever hit MTV airwaves. I can’t be the only one who’s ever sat and marveled at the idea of a real DLR movie actually existing…
Well folks, Guitar World rocked the TNUC universe recently with the shocking revelation that during the summer of 1986 we almost really had a full blown theatrical film called Crazy from the Heat, starring Diamond Dave himself!
The article is too heavy to reiterate, so here it is straight from Guitar World:
By the fall of 1985, David Lee Roth had seemingly put the breakup of Van Halen in his rearview mirror.
Hoping to capitalize on his MTV-driven video stardom, Diamond Dave now set his sights on the big screen.
Along with his creative partner and manager Pete Angelus and writer Jerry Perzigian, Roth wrote a screenplay entitled Crazy from the Heat. Angelus and Roth then sold it to CBS Theatrical Films, secured a 10 million dollar budget, and camped out on the CBS movie lot in Burbank to do pre-production for the musical comedy. Angelus recalls, “I was going to direct it and Dave was going to star in it.” If all went according to plan, Crazy would hit theaters in the summer of 1986.
But in early November, just days before they would begin shooting, the phone rang in their studio offices. It was Roth’s attorneys calling to deliver some terrible news. CBS, facing serious financial woes, had shuttered its film division, leaving Angelus and Roth without a means to make their movie. Angelus says, “When we put the phone down, I remember we were both kind of speechless for a moment. We’d spent the better part of a year preparing for that film. We’d done the casting. We’d done the location scouting. We’d been working with the set designers and the wardrobe people. We were fully into it and fully prepared.” At that moment, it appeared all their work had been for naught.
This setback seemed tailor-made to trigger a crisis of confidence for Roth. He’d trumpeted his movie plans in the press throughout the summer past, previewing a bikini-packed plot that would see rock star Roth squaring off against his greedy manager while on an island vacation. He’d minimize the challenges inherent in filmmaking, declaring on the David Brenner Liveshow that both starring in and making a film was the “next logical step” after his success with video. “It’s the same thing…except our movies have been three minutes and twenty-eight seconds. So now it’s time to just bump it up to 90 minutes.” But now it seemed unlikely that his movie would ever arrive in theaters.
Meanwhile, Roth’s former bandmates in Van Halen had seemingly suffered no ill effects from his summer 1985 departure. They had a new blond-maned, leather-lunged lead singer, Sammy Hagar, and had begun work on the follow-up to their multi-platinum smash, 1984. Roth also had to live with the fact that Eddie Van Halen, who’d told Roth in the spring of 1985 that he had no interest in scoring Crazy because the guitarist expected the film would “probably stink,” seemed to have made the right decision after Roth’s deal disappeared.
The article goes on to explain that in the months that followed, Roth remained aggressive and re-emerged with a band lineup made up of heavy metal virtuosos Steve Vai, Billy Sheehan and Gregg Bissonette. The band would of course eventually release the chart-topping album Eat ‘Em and Smile and crush MTV with two massive hit videos, “Yankee Rose and “Goin’ Crazy”, all built upon the creative foundation Roth had laid down for the now abandoned Crazy from the Heat screenplay. Back to the article…
Bassist Billy Sheehan likewise remembers that as filming drew closer, the tunes they wrote soon made their way into the script. “I know songs like ‘Goin’ Crazy’ were going to be integrated into the movie somehow. I remember reading the dialogue in the movie, and there were a lot of scenes with the band.” These musical scenes included a concert performance of “Shy Boy” and a nightclub scene that featured Roth crooning his way through Sinatra’s “That’s Life.”
Diamond Dave playing the ‘Davesickle’, a steel-stringed electric acoustic guitar shaped and painted like a popsicle.
All of this planning and scheming, however, came to a standstill on that fateful November day when CBS pulled the plug. Angelus says that after the initial shock dissipated, they began discussing their options, asking each other: Apart from litigation against CBS for breach of contract, what’s our next step? Sheehan recalls telling Roth that day, “ ‘The hell with it. We’ve got a band. We’ve got songs. Let’s go out and tour!’ Not that he already didn’t think that, and not that he needed any encouragement from me, but I just remember thinking, I’m ready to play.”
Roth would get clarity about the next moves to make once he, like Sheehan, considered the full breadth of the creative endeavors they all had underway. “The movie was just one part of a whole program,” he explained to Creem Magazine. “Obviously, when the movie fell out, we just continued with the rest of the program.” Angelus observes that what Roth termed “the program” had included “a coordinated release of the film, the [soundtrack] record and of course the tour to accompany it.”
With his film in limbo, Roth and Templeman held pre-production meetings for what would now be a stand-alone rock record rather than a soundtrack album. They decided that the forthcoming Eat ’Em and Smile would include covers and originals, ones that represented a middle ground between the pop flavored, big-band sound of Roth’s Crazy from the Heat EP and the guitar-oriented pop metal showcased on his albums with Van Halen. As Diamond Dave would later say, even though he’d put together a band capable of playing the most technically sophisticated heavy metal, he didn’t want fans of “California Girls” wondering “what happened to the brass on this record? Where’s the saxophone? Where’s the shoobee-doobee-doo-bop?”
With the success of his Van Halen days still raging through the decade and Roth on the brink of something spectacular, I can’t help but fantasize about all the madness that would’ve ensued building up to a Crazy from the Heat movie coming out. Even if the film turned out to be a complete pile of pig slop, the Diamond Dave mania surrounding the film (TV appearances, merchandise and promotional goodies galore) would have been fun to be a part of.
Since everything with this guy was 3,000% bonkers for most of his career, the Crazy from the Heat movie would have been right on that level. The film’s premiere would’ve probably gone down in history books, with bikini-clad girls, zoo animals and rock’s chosen warriors parading the red carpet in mass numbers. Who knows, if the film had been a box office hit, DLR might have moved into a steady acting career. Things have been weirder. Remember when he worked as an EMT on ambulance calls in New York City?
MIDNIGHT SAX.
Posted on June 21, 2016 7 Comments
Even though yesterday was the first day of summer and the original plan was to have this year’s “TNUC Wet Hot Summer Anthems” list ready to go, I think we’ll take a rain check on that due to the following song swooping into the TNUC spectrum and legitimately stopping me right in my tassel loafers w/ no socks.
Plus, it’s 100 degrees right now in Los Angeles and we don’t need any reminders about how toasty the weather is. Instead let’s cool off under the midnight rain…
She stepped out of the ominous looking, slicked, black car onto the wet asphalt. Her thigh-high nylons glistened under the streetlight. The look on her face made it seem like she’d just seen a ghastly spectacle until she looked up and cried out “SAX, PLEASE?” The Midnight answered.
I’m admittedly a sucker for saxophone, but not every sax-riff clobbers me over the head like the sultriness spread over this song by Los Angeles synth duo The Midnight. Hopefully it generates a few tingling sensations for you and a loved one as you enjoy a chilly 6-pack of Zimas tonight.
Since the title of the track is Vampires and it involves thick layers of unforgiving saxophone, we figure the spirit of boardwalk brute Tim Cappello was a deep motivator here. All kidding aside, songs like these have so many rich “moments” that produce different feelings in all of us, whether it’s exhilaration, dreams, nostalgia, fantasies or a quick escape behind the wheel of your Lamborghini Jalpa for a self-reflecting night ride montage. Maximum respect to the artists who bring out these feelings in all of us.
The Midnight’s new album ‘Endless Summer’ is poised to strike any day now, so keep your eyes and ears locked on the group’s Soundcloud page.
CRUDE DUDE RECORD REVIEW #4.
Posted on June 15, 2016 1 Comment
||| If you’re new around here, the following is part of an on-going series that you should first read about in an official Crude Dude “manifesto” at this location |||
CRUDE DUDE RECORD REVIEW #4
UGLY KID JOE – AMERICA’S LEAST WANTED
Review by: Uncle TNUC
Choosing an album by a band who call themselves Ugly Kid Joe for a brand new Crude Dude Record Review was a decision that had far more meaning than just a clever name that fit so goddamn perfectly for this feature. Released in September 1992, UKJ’s debut album America’s Least Wanted is probably the quintessential “crude dude” era record because it not only breaks down the barrier between eighties hard rock and grunge, it’s also the only album I truly believe was DANGEROUSLY close to changing the entire heavy metal/hard rock scene of the early nineties, for the good.
It’s not such a bold statement when you comb over the facts.
Believe me, nothing burns my beak more than remembering back when record label execs and radio stations completely abandoned bands like Motley Crue and Ratt during this time. However the harsh reality was that a new decade had begun and an influx of new bands taking over was inevitable. Not to mention much needed to some degree, thanks to sub-par bands way overstaying their welcome (Warrant, Poison). This is why they call it the record business.
Scummy record executive Jimmie Wing (Palantine Records) and some other butt-puppet at KPPX Rebel Radio in LA.
Even so, this wasn’t the big issue. The problem for many of us was the Seattle infestation being the focus of the big wigs up at the top (see above photo). The departure from party metal, guitar solos, power licks, denim warriors, leather gods and music that didn’t need to take itself so seriously was too abrupt and hard to ingest. A fresh new genre with at least some of those elements would’ve been a much healthier transition. Or at least a little wiggle room for some of those existing bands to still…exist.
Instead the complete opposite happened as the whining anti-crude dude took over the mainstream. The guy who hated guitar solos, wrote all the lyrics to his album at Starbucks and stared at his Doc Martens on stage. That’s not to say that guy couldn’t write a good song or play an instrument well enough, but even he should understand that a powerful, thrashing beast of a frontman needs to be present in mainstream rock n’ roll.
Pause. Reverse. Forget everything you know for a moment and give Ugly Kid Joe’s Americas Least Wanted a proper spin.
The band delivers a sound that’s almost like if Skid Row, Alice In Chains and the trigger-happy surfer nazis from Point Break all lived in a ratty apartment complex together and jammed on their instruments all day. One part reminiscent of our beloved metal bands who were drifting away from pop culture – another part sounding like sunwashed surf punk from the bowels of the Malibu boardwalk.
From start to finish this album captures a vibe that I really, really, really hoped the hard rock world would’ve progressed more towards during this time. An understandable break from spandex and glossy production was a good thing. In its place: nasty, funked out riffs and a stomping-down-Venice Beach attitude. The unapologetic Axl Rose-style obnoxiousness comes through both in the lyrics and vocal approach, but it’s less abrasive and somewhat more soulful. A choice recipe for a new generation. Even lead singer Whitfield Crane had all the makings of what should’ve made him one of the new Gods of twisted steel and sex appeal of ’92 and beyond…
America’s Least Wanted still killed on MTV and radio. The album spewed three hit singles and ended up going double platinum by 1995. Hit single ‘Everything About You’ features a spoken intro by SNL’s character Pat (It’s Pat) and the song also showed up on the Wayne’s World soundtrack. The Metal God himself Rob Halford (Judas Priest) even lends some shrieking vocals to ‘Goddamn Devil’ as well.
Even a strong album that had more than enough unique qualities to stand on it’s own couldn’t compete with the Seattle epidemic in the end. The media and the record industry were pushing the grunge scene so hard that Ugly Kid Joe didn’t have a chance at real longevity.
Motorhead with Ice-T and Whitfield Crane “Born to Raise Hell” from Airheads: The Original Soundtrack!
It’s too bad because having two or three different rock genres at the time could’ve done wonders for the heavy metal bands who were pumping out platinum albums just a couple years prior and now were barely hanging on for survival. Some of those bands were releasing some of the best material between ’89 and ’93, yet radio and MTV had already made their clear choice.
TNUC’s TOP ADVICE: Get this record, steal your cousin’s new Jeep Wrangler, rip the doors off (toss em’ in the ocean) and cruise through the worst neighborhoods in LA with it on full blast while chomping on a giant juicy burger.
CRUDE DUDE RICHTER SCALE = 5/5 PERSONAL PAN PIZZAS
Buy Americas Least Wanted here.
DEPARTMENTCORE.
Posted on May 25, 2016 3 Comments
Two years ago saw the release of Malls Across America, a stunning coffee table book filled with photos taken at a number of malls during the 1980’s. While browsing through it’s pages you could almost smell the sweet aroma combination of new plastic, hot pretzels and fountain water.
However, it left more to be desired…
Enter DEADMALLS, the new musical endeavor created by the artist formerly known as Betamaxx. Their new LP “Departmentcore” is an audio dreamblast which takes you back up the escalator and into the mecca of mall memories. Here’s how they explain it…
“DEADMALLS is a musical project focusing the transposition of sounds to the visual aesthetic of dying retail. Just imagine: It’s 1989, and you’re at a Montgomery Ward department store trying on a ‘Members Only’ jacket. While looking at your sweet selection in the mirror, you hear the trebly, faint sounds of a pop song coming through on the tiny circular speakers above you on the ceiling – That’s DEADMALLS. However, the focus is more of a dive into a dream, an idea of past times. The songs you remember are now washed out, demented, and slowed down, giving the imagery of what was once a big deal: shopping malls (if that makes sense). Check out the “Departmentcore” LP coming late summer for free on bandcamp. You will find each track title devoted to a defunct department store.”
“Kauffman’s” is the only brief first taste of DEADMALLS at the moment but it definitely leaves us with plenty of intrigue and wonder at what this project has “in-store” for all us mall maniacs.
Photo credit: C3Nostalgia
All this walking and cruising by the food court must have made you disciples mighty hungry, so here’s something to tie you over: an entire collection of Kmart in-store background music from 1989 to 1993!
Let us explain. A guy named Mark Davis worked behind the service desk at a Kmart in Illinois for five aching years. Each month the corporate office would issue the store a cassette – filled with elevator type music and some advertisements peppered throughout – to be played over the store speaker system. Instead of throwing the cassettes away at the end of the month, brave soul Mark figured it’d be a good idea to slip each cassette in his apron to save. In 1991 the store began playing more mainstream hits and the tapes started arriving weekly. Shortly after the store went to strictly satellite streaming.
Two decades later Mr. Davis archived his entire collection of 56 cassettes in a digital package and made it available to all of you psychos at this location. He explains in the video below about his bizarre collection.
MAY’S LOCAL HOT SPOT OF THE MONTH: CHUCK E. CHEESE’S.
Posted on May 16, 2016 Leave a Comment
If your idea of a night on the town in 1992 was…
#1 Stuffing your face with pizza & cake
#2 Running around like a mental patient
#3 Barfing in the corner
It probably means you’ve experienced a night at Chuck E. Cheese’s!
It’s fascinating to think that one of the most popular birthday party hot spots of our childhood was a place that smelled like a bodacious blend of sweat and pizza grease. The arcade (originally titled “The Fantasy Forest”) was a chaotic free-for-all, fun and slightly dangerous at the same time. Once your cake-high started to burn off from playing 79 games of skeeball and drowning in the ball pit, it was time for the weirdest part of the night: the giant robot critter band coming to life! (We’ll discuss that a little later).
Like it or loathe it, Chuck E. Cheese’s is without a doubt a revolutionary establishment. While others have tried to capitalize on the family entertainment/restaurant franchise throughout the years (remember DZ: Discovery Zone?), the only one still standing and showing no signs of going anywhere is the house with the mouse.
But did you know that dream almost died in 1984 when Chuck E. Cheese’s filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy? Did you know the company was created by the co-founder and head of ATARI? Did you also know the place was originally going to be named “Rick Rat’s Pizza”? How about in Australia when they had to name the restaurant “Charlie Cheese’s Pizza” because the most common word for vomit in the land down under is “Chuck”!
The Pizza. The Games. The Cake. The Barf. Strap yourselves in and get ready for May’s Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month:
CHUCK E. CHEESE’S
CHAPTER 1: THE RAT-THEMED PIZZA PALACE IS BORN.
It all started with the founder of Atari, Mr. Nolan Bushnell. After creating Pong and watching Atari explode, Bushnell was looking to expand his horizons beyond the video game industry and he realized he wouldn’t be able to remain competitive in the the market. His original concept for Chuck E. Cheese’s was for a family atmosphere where kids could discover video games. The only current public places at that time featuring arcade games were bars and pool halls.
During the initial planning stages for Chuck E., the idea and design came from a generic mascot-character costume that Bushnell obtained from a trade show. Everyone figured it was a coyote, which lead to the original working title of the restaurant being “Coyote Pizza”. Bushnell shipped the costume back to Atari and once they noticed a large pink tail indicating it was actually a rat, they kept it and went with a rat theme.
Nolan Bushnell and “Rick Rat”, on his way to becoming Chuck E.
Bushnell had already been calling his newly acquired rat costume Rick Rat, so the company decided on “Rick Rat’s Pizza” for the restaurant’s name. Bushnell was so confident in his concept that he felt one day it would compete with big leagues like Disney (they had Mickey Mouse, he had Ricky Rat). Once Atari’s PR people found out about Rick Rat, they were appalled that a dirty rat would be used as a restaurant mascot. However, the agency said it would be acceptable if they focused less on the rat theme and also give him a different name.
Eventually Atari’s people agreed on “Chuck E. Cheese” (the E stands for Entertainment), the name being alliterative of Mickey Mouse.
CHAPTER 2: BLAST OFF.
The debut of Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Time Theater came in 1977 at their San Jose, CA location. It was the first of it’s kind, a unique establishment offering pizza, animated entertainment and an indoor arcade. The most innovative aspect of the Pizza Time Theater was the animatronic show, which entertained guests as they were waiting for food or taking a break from pumping money into the token machine. The show featured a group of life-sized crusty animals performing as a band with Chuck E. Cheese as their frontman.
The genius behind using animatronics again came from Bushnell. He realized pizza and entertainment worked after seeing a restaurant called Pizza and Pipes draw in large crowds to watch an organ be played while they ate. Not wanting to pay a performer but seeing the value of a “show” aspect, Bushnell knew animatronics were the answer.
The Pizza Time Theater was an instant success and the company immediately began to franchise. Bushnell inked a deal for financial support with Bob Brock, chairman of a massive hotel corporation. They agreed to open 16 Chuck E. Cheese locations.
CHAPTER 3: STIFF COMPETITION.
In the midst of Chuck E Cheese’s gaining momentum and rising in popularity, Bushnell’s new partner Brock had been talking off the radar with an up and coming inventor named Aaron Fletcher.
Fletcher created animatronics far more advanced than Bushnell’s robots who were charming but awkwardly stiff in physical nature. His creatures were smoother in movement, their facial expressions changed and the drumsticks actually hit the drums. Fletcher and Bushnell had actually crossed paths before when Bushnell attempted to buy Fletcher’s creations just a couple years prior, but the deal fell through. Now Brock and Fletcher decided to start their own competing restaurant called ShowBiz Pizza. The animatronic-dancing animal pizza rival was conceptually identical to Chuck E Cheese’s, except that ShowBiz was aimed at more of a teenage crowd. During its early years customers reported that the restaurant was more dimly-lit than Chuck E Cheese’s and offered a more pizza parlor-ish vibe.
Their band called Rock-Afire Explosion was headed by Billy Bob, a bad ass hillbilly bear in overalls. The other anthropomorphized animal characters in the band included a grey wolf, a silverback gorilla, and other species. They performed medleys of classic rock, pop, and country music, as well as original compositions and comedic skits.
ShowBiz superfan Rob Lowe hanging out with Billy Bob.
Savage competition began between the two companies. With both restaurants operating simultaneously, sometimes even opening up locations in the same town, Chuck E. Cheese’s sued ShowBiz. They eventually settled out of court with ShowBiz agreeing to pay Chuck E. a portion of its profits over the next decade. Despite the win, Chuck E. Cheese filed for bankruptcy in 1984, and ShowBiz bought the franchise the following year. Instead of sending the friendly rat riding into the sunset, the two businesses carried on with Chuck and Billy Bob sometimes appearing together in advertisements.
Soon after the two companies merged and became just plain old Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza. Sadly this began the slow death of ShowBiz’s Rock-Afire Explosion band. The show was sold to other restaurants and entertainment centers, such as Circus Pizza, Pistol Pete’s Pizza, and Billy Bob’s Wonderland.
These days a cult following of ShowBiz disciples roam the earth, including an extensive fansite and also one devotee who purchased the original Rock-afire Explosion band robots and costumes. Search out “The Rock-afire Explosion Documentary” to check that out.
CHAPTER 4: THE INFINITE.
While many people make disgusted facial gestures when the name Chuck E. Cheese’s gets brought up in conversation, Uncle T always hands it to the legendary pizza palace for standing the test of time all these years. The restaurant went through some changes throughout the 1990’s and 2000’s, but its core elements were never put to rest.
Other corporate restaurant chains from yesteryear can’t say the same. Take for instance Pizza Hut. Believe it or not, the ‘Hut was a fairly respected family-outing pizza restaurant at one time. Best part though? It still had ATMOSPHERE. Brick buildings, signature red-roofs, dimmed lighting, red vinyl booths, generic Italian decor, jukeboxes, soda inside those red semi-transparent cups, table top video games, movie promo items, etc. These days? The ‘Hut has been reduced to a fast-food joint that sits in the corner of ugly plazas. Why the huge decline? That’s an entirely other discussion to get into.
Maybe this post will inspire you to swing on over to your neighborhood Chuck E. Cheese’s for a few beers and maybe a drunken face-plant into the ball pit (and yes, Chuck’s serves beer and wine now). For a company that’s lasted over 30 years, it’s worth a shot.
Big thanks to the historians over at ShowBizPizza.com for the enlightening info on these two restaurant powerhouses.
[Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month is a adrenaline-thrusting history lesson and celebration of signature hangout spots one might recognize from television, film or real life. Our objective is to not just rediscover and dissect these places, but more importantly create a feeling like you’re really there. Take your time with these entries. Hang out. Turn some music on.
To visit the rest of ’em, go here.]
uncletnuc.com 