CRUDE DUDE RECORD REVIEW #4.
Posted on June 15, 2016 1 Comment
||| If you’re new around here, the following is part of an on-going series that you should first read about in an official Crude Dude “manifesto” at this location |||
CRUDE DUDE RECORD REVIEW #4
UGLY KID JOE – AMERICA’S LEAST WANTED
Review by: Uncle TNUC
Choosing an album by a band who call themselves Ugly Kid Joe for a brand new Crude Dude Record Review was a decision that had far more meaning than just a clever name that fit so goddamn perfectly for this feature. Released in September 1992, UKJ’s debut album America’s Least Wanted is probably the quintessential “crude dude” era record because it not only breaks down the barrier between eighties hard rock and grunge, it’s also the only album I truly believe was DANGEROUSLY close to changing the entire heavy metal/hard rock scene of the early nineties, for the good.
It’s not such a bold statement when you comb over the facts.
Believe me, nothing burns my beak more than remembering back when record label execs and radio stations completely abandoned bands like Motley Crue and Ratt during this time. However the harsh reality was that a new decade had begun and an influx of new bands taking over was inevitable. Not to mention much needed to some degree, thanks to sub-par bands way overstaying their welcome (Warrant, Poison). This is why they call it the record business.
Scummy record executive Jimmie Wing (Palantine Records) and some other butt-puppet at KPPX Rebel Radio in LA.
Even so, this wasn’t the big issue. The problem for many of us was the Seattle infestation being the focus of the big wigs up at the top (see above photo). The departure from party metal, guitar solos, power licks, denim warriors, leather gods and music that didn’t need to take itself so seriously was too abrupt and hard to ingest. A fresh new genre with at least some of those elements would’ve been a much healthier transition. Or at least a little wiggle room for some of those existing bands to still…exist.
Instead the complete opposite happened as the whining anti-crude dude took over the mainstream. The guy who hated guitar solos, wrote all the lyrics to his album at Starbucks and stared at his Doc Martens on stage. That’s not to say that guy couldn’t write a good song or play an instrument well enough, but even he should understand that a powerful, thrashing beast of a frontman needs to be present in mainstream rock n’ roll.
Pause. Reverse. Forget everything you know for a moment and give Ugly Kid Joe’s Americas Least Wanted a proper spin.
The band delivers a sound that’s almost like if Skid Row, Alice In Chains and the trigger-happy surfer nazis from Point Break all lived in a ratty apartment complex together and jammed on their instruments all day. One part reminiscent of our beloved metal bands who were drifting away from pop culture – another part sounding like sunwashed surf punk from the bowels of the Malibu boardwalk.
From start to finish this album captures a vibe that I really, really, really hoped the hard rock world would’ve progressed more towards during this time. An understandable break from spandex and glossy production was a good thing. In its place: nasty, funked out riffs and a stomping-down-Venice Beach attitude. The unapologetic Axl Rose-style obnoxiousness comes through both in the lyrics and vocal approach, but it’s less abrasive and somewhat more soulful. A choice recipe for a new generation. Even lead singer Whitfield Crane had all the makings of what should’ve made him one of the new Gods of twisted steel and sex appeal of ’92 and beyond…
America’s Least Wanted still killed on MTV and radio. The album spewed three hit singles and ended up going double platinum by 1995. Hit single ‘Everything About You’ features a spoken intro by SNL’s character Pat (It’s Pat) and the song also showed up on the Wayne’s World soundtrack. The Metal God himself Rob Halford (Judas Priest) even lends some shrieking vocals to ‘Goddamn Devil’ as well.
Even a strong album that had more than enough unique qualities to stand on it’s own couldn’t compete with the Seattle epidemic in the end. The media and the record industry were pushing the grunge scene so hard that Ugly Kid Joe didn’t have a chance at real longevity.
Motorhead with Ice-T and Whitfield Crane “Born to Raise Hell” from Airheads: The Original Soundtrack!
It’s too bad because having two or three different rock genres at the time could’ve done wonders for the heavy metal bands who were pumping out platinum albums just a couple years prior and now were barely hanging on for survival. Some of those bands were releasing some of the best material between ’89 and ’93, yet radio and MTV had already made their clear choice.
TNUC’s TOP ADVICE: Get this record, steal your cousin’s new Jeep Wrangler, rip the doors off (toss em’ in the ocean) and cruise through the worst neighborhoods in LA with it on full blast while chomping on a giant juicy burger.
CRUDE DUDE RICHTER SCALE = 5/5 PERSONAL PAN PIZZAS
Buy Americas Least Wanted here.
DEPARTMENTCORE.
Posted on May 25, 2016 3 Comments
Two years ago saw the release of Malls Across America, a stunning coffee table book filled with photos taken at a number of malls during the 1980’s. While browsing through it’s pages you could almost smell the sweet aroma combination of new plastic, hot pretzels and fountain water.
However, it left more to be desired…
Enter DEADMALLS, the new musical endeavor created by the artist formerly known as Betamaxx. Their new LP “Departmentcore” is an audio dreamblast which takes you back up the escalator and into the mecca of mall memories. Here’s how they explain it…
“DEADMALLS is a musical project focusing the transposition of sounds to the visual aesthetic of dying retail. Just imagine: It’s 1989, and you’re at a Montgomery Ward department store trying on a ‘Members Only’ jacket. While looking at your sweet selection in the mirror, you hear the trebly, faint sounds of a pop song coming through on the tiny circular speakers above you on the ceiling – That’s DEADMALLS. However, the focus is more of a dive into a dream, an idea of past times. The songs you remember are now washed out, demented, and slowed down, giving the imagery of what was once a big deal: shopping malls (if that makes sense). Check out the “Departmentcore” LP coming late summer for free on bandcamp. You will find each track title devoted to a defunct department store.”
“Kauffman’s” is the only brief first taste of DEADMALLS at the moment but it definitely leaves us with plenty of intrigue and wonder at what this project has “in-store” for all us mall maniacs.
Photo credit: C3Nostalgia
All this walking and cruising by the food court must have made you disciples mighty hungry, so here’s something to tie you over: an entire collection of Kmart in-store background music from 1989 to 1993!
Let us explain. A guy named Mark Davis worked behind the service desk at a Kmart in Illinois for five aching years. Each month the corporate office would issue the store a cassette – filled with elevator type music and some advertisements peppered throughout – to be played over the store speaker system. Instead of throwing the cassettes away at the end of the month, brave soul Mark figured it’d be a good idea to slip each cassette in his apron to save. In 1991 the store began playing more mainstream hits and the tapes started arriving weekly. Shortly after the store went to strictly satellite streaming.
Two decades later Mr. Davis archived his entire collection of 56 cassettes in a digital package and made it available to all of you psychos at this location. He explains in the video below about his bizarre collection.
MAY’S LOCAL HOT SPOT OF THE MONTH: CHUCK E. CHEESE’S.
Posted on May 16, 2016 Leave a Comment
If your idea of a night on the town in 1992 was…
#1 Stuffing your face with pizza & cake
#2 Running around like a mental patient
#3 Barfing in the corner
It probably means you’ve experienced a night at Chuck E. Cheese’s!
It’s fascinating to think that one of the most popular birthday party hot spots of our childhood was a place that smelled like a bodacious blend of sweat and pizza grease. The arcade (originally titled “The Fantasy Forest”) was a chaotic free-for-all, fun and slightly dangerous at the same time. Once your cake-high started to burn off from playing 79 games of skeeball and drowning in the ball pit, it was time for the weirdest part of the night: the giant robot critter band coming to life! (We’ll discuss that a little later).
Like it or loathe it, Chuck E. Cheese’s is without a doubt a revolutionary establishment. While others have tried to capitalize on the family entertainment/restaurant franchise throughout the years (remember DZ: Discovery Zone?), the only one still standing and showing no signs of going anywhere is the house with the mouse.
But did you know that dream almost died in 1984 when Chuck E. Cheese’s filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy? Did you know the company was created by the co-founder and head of ATARI? Did you also know the place was originally going to be named “Rick Rat’s Pizza”? How about in Australia when they had to name the restaurant “Charlie Cheese’s Pizza” because the most common word for vomit in the land down under is “Chuck”!
The Pizza. The Games. The Cake. The Barf. Strap yourselves in and get ready for May’s Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month:
CHUCK E. CHEESE’S
CHAPTER 1: THE RAT-THEMED PIZZA PALACE IS BORN.
It all started with the founder of Atari, Mr. Nolan Bushnell. After creating Pong and watching Atari explode, Bushnell was looking to expand his horizons beyond the video game industry and he realized he wouldn’t be able to remain competitive in the the market. His original concept for Chuck E. Cheese’s was for a family atmosphere where kids could discover video games. The only current public places at that time featuring arcade games were bars and pool halls.
During the initial planning stages for Chuck E., the idea and design came from a generic mascot-character costume that Bushnell obtained from a trade show. Everyone figured it was a coyote, which lead to the original working title of the restaurant being “Coyote Pizza”. Bushnell shipped the costume back to Atari and once they noticed a large pink tail indicating it was actually a rat, they kept it and went with a rat theme.
Nolan Bushnell and “Rick Rat”, on his way to becoming Chuck E.
Bushnell had already been calling his newly acquired rat costume Rick Rat, so the company decided on “Rick Rat’s Pizza” for the restaurant’s name. Bushnell was so confident in his concept that he felt one day it would compete with big leagues like Disney (they had Mickey Mouse, he had Ricky Rat). Once Atari’s PR people found out about Rick Rat, they were appalled that a dirty rat would be used as a restaurant mascot. However, the agency said it would be acceptable if they focused less on the rat theme and also give him a different name.
Eventually Atari’s people agreed on “Chuck E. Cheese” (the E stands for Entertainment), the name being alliterative of Mickey Mouse.
CHAPTER 2: BLAST OFF.
The debut of Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Time Theater came in 1977 at their San Jose, CA location. It was the first of it’s kind, a unique establishment offering pizza, animated entertainment and an indoor arcade. The most innovative aspect of the Pizza Time Theater was the animatronic show, which entertained guests as they were waiting for food or taking a break from pumping money into the token machine. The show featured a group of life-sized crusty animals performing as a band with Chuck E. Cheese as their frontman.
The genius behind using animatronics again came from Bushnell. He realized pizza and entertainment worked after seeing a restaurant called Pizza and Pipes draw in large crowds to watch an organ be played while they ate. Not wanting to pay a performer but seeing the value of a “show” aspect, Bushnell knew animatronics were the answer.
The Pizza Time Theater was an instant success and the company immediately began to franchise. Bushnell inked a deal for financial support with Bob Brock, chairman of a massive hotel corporation. They agreed to open 16 Chuck E. Cheese locations.
CHAPTER 3: STIFF COMPETITION.
In the midst of Chuck E Cheese’s gaining momentum and rising in popularity, Bushnell’s new partner Brock had been talking off the radar with an up and coming inventor named Aaron Fletcher.
Fletcher created animatronics far more advanced than Bushnell’s robots who were charming but awkwardly stiff in physical nature. His creatures were smoother in movement, their facial expressions changed and the drumsticks actually hit the drums. Fletcher and Bushnell had actually crossed paths before when Bushnell attempted to buy Fletcher’s creations just a couple years prior, but the deal fell through. Now Brock and Fletcher decided to start their own competing restaurant called ShowBiz Pizza. The animatronic-dancing animal pizza rival was conceptually identical to Chuck E Cheese’s, except that ShowBiz was aimed at more of a teenage crowd. During its early years customers reported that the restaurant was more dimly-lit than Chuck E Cheese’s and offered a more pizza parlor-ish vibe.
Their band called Rock-Afire Explosion was headed by Billy Bob, a bad ass hillbilly bear in overalls. The other anthropomorphized animal characters in the band included a grey wolf, a silverback gorilla, and other species. They performed medleys of classic rock, pop, and country music, as well as original compositions and comedic skits.
ShowBiz superfan Rob Lowe hanging out with Billy Bob.
Savage competition began between the two companies. With both restaurants operating simultaneously, sometimes even opening up locations in the same town, Chuck E. Cheese’s sued ShowBiz. They eventually settled out of court with ShowBiz agreeing to pay Chuck E. a portion of its profits over the next decade. Despite the win, Chuck E. Cheese filed for bankruptcy in 1984, and ShowBiz bought the franchise the following year. Instead of sending the friendly rat riding into the sunset, the two businesses carried on with Chuck and Billy Bob sometimes appearing together in advertisements.
Soon after the two companies merged and became just plain old Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza. Sadly this began the slow death of ShowBiz’s Rock-Afire Explosion band. The show was sold to other restaurants and entertainment centers, such as Circus Pizza, Pistol Pete’s Pizza, and Billy Bob’s Wonderland.
These days a cult following of ShowBiz disciples roam the earth, including an extensive fansite and also one devotee who purchased the original Rock-afire Explosion band robots and costumes. Search out “The Rock-afire Explosion Documentary” to check that out.
CHAPTER 4: THE INFINITE.
While many people make disgusted facial gestures when the name Chuck E. Cheese’s gets brought up in conversation, Uncle T always hands it to the legendary pizza palace for standing the test of time all these years. The restaurant went through some changes throughout the 1990’s and 2000’s, but its core elements were never put to rest.
Other corporate restaurant chains from yesteryear can’t say the same. Take for instance Pizza Hut. Believe it or not, the ‘Hut was a fairly respected family-outing pizza restaurant at one time. Best part though? It still had ATMOSPHERE. Brick buildings, signature red-roofs, dimmed lighting, red vinyl booths, generic Italian decor, jukeboxes, soda inside those red semi-transparent cups, table top video games, movie promo items, etc. These days? The ‘Hut has been reduced to a fast-food joint that sits in the corner of ugly plazas. Why the huge decline? That’s an entirely other discussion to get into.
Maybe this post will inspire you to swing on over to your neighborhood Chuck E. Cheese’s for a few beers and maybe a drunken face-plant into the ball pit (and yes, Chuck’s serves beer and wine now). For a company that’s lasted over 30 years, it’s worth a shot.
Big thanks to the historians over at ShowBizPizza.com for the enlightening info on these two restaurant powerhouses.
[Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month is a adrenaline-thrusting history lesson and celebration of signature hangout spots one might recognize from television, film or real life. Our objective is to not just rediscover and dissect these places, but more importantly create a feeling like you’re really there. Take your time with these entries. Hang out. Turn some music on.
To visit the rest of ’em, go here.]
MAKES ME THINK OF YOU.
Posted on May 5, 2016 14 Comments
Most of us have had that experience of hearing some sort of music for the first time and getting an immediate, surging cosmic feeling from it.
It’s a heavy wave that washes over you out of nowhere. Just a few minutes earlier you didn’t feel like this, but now something from these new melodies has tapped into your senses, while a burst of serotonin shoots straight to your heart.
When it’s over you can’t wait to hear it again. During the second listen the emotions are even more intense. It makes you think of something, or someone…
The song “Makes Me Think Of You” by Sellorekt/LA Dreams had the same effect while Uncle T was innocently polishing the tires on his ’84 Kawasaki KX 125 last weekend.
Tracks like these are few and far between. When one does suddenly rise from the depths, it strikes hard. Listen for yourself.
This one in particular reminds me of carefree summers of the past with no jobs and no responsibilities. Arcades, skateboarding, building forts, jumping off the floating dock, riding bikes through the cemetery, climbing trees, pool hopping, Nerf gun wars, chasing girls…
Hopefully the only worries in your life back then were wondering when the ice cream truck was coming and how many neighborhood kids you could rile up to play manhunt that night.
Special thanks to our old friends over at Valerie for the hot tip on this Sellorekt/LA Dreams song. It’s pulled from their latest guest mix which you should absolutely sink into over at The Valerie Collective. Easily the best mix I’ve heard in a long time!
What songs make you feel this way? Tell TNUC in the comment section of this post!
1-900-BOGLINS.
Posted on April 27, 2016 Leave a Comment
First, here’s a monster announcement if you haven’t already heard:
BOGLINS ARE COMING BACK!
Yes, those rubbery troll creatures will soon be crawling up from their swampy bog for a monumental return – due this coming Fall – as mentioned recently by original creator Tim Clarke via his Instagram page. Aside from Tim posting photos of molds and sketches of the new Boglins, information right now is very limited. We’ll have all the breaking news here and on the TNUC Facebook page, so stay tuned.
With that good news out of the way, we can safely move on to the focal point of today’s discussion…the recent discovery of a Boglins 900-hotline! Big thanks to our friend Dan Trashcan of trashcanland who supplied TNUC with this rare commercial. Enjoy.
It’s hard to believe that for a good chunk of years 900-numbers were a real thing. According to New York magazine, the 900-number business was pulling in $975 million per year by 1991. Sleazy boner hotlines and psychic readings were one thing, but celebrity and movie character numbers were so much more strange and wonderful. Paula Abdul. Warrant. The Corey’s. Chucky. Bill & Ted. Freddy Krueger. Not all were successful, but they did all exist at one point. Still though…BOGLINS?
Well you heard it kids! For $2 per minute, then 35¢ each additional minute, you (yes you!) can hear a personal message from these adorable nasty freaks. It’s too bad lil’ TNUC blew his entire life savings on phone bill charges from dialing 1-900-Steamy-Nights repeatedly during the summer of ’87 because I could’ve gained some helpful knowledge from these guys, like who I should feed my homework to and how to conquer the evil furnace in our basement. Imagine convincing the Boglins over the phone to come join the neighborhood treehouse club? DAMN.
Anyone that knows me knows I never stop talking about Boglins. It’s mainly because they weren’t just another toy. Boglins seemed too good to be true, like someone yanked them from some practical-effects-heavy horror movie you saw caught at 3 a.m. on TNT’s Monster Vision, then mass produced to invade our homes. Their flexible rubber material is without a doubt the creature’s best feature. If you’ve ever watched Ghoulies or any of the “little gnarly dudes” monster movies of the 1980’s and wondered what these little buggers felt like to pick up without being bitten, Boglins were the closest comparison. It was like having your very own Gremlin or Critter to share a prominent space on your bedroom mantle.
I first discovered Boglins at an old person flea market about 25 years ago. As I was being dragged around in the hot sun and yawning to death while starting at a sea of white puffy heads, antique china, dinnerware and cross-stitch patterns, my attention was drawn to a box with a prison-like bars and something inside staring at me. There it was…a hideous rubber puppet in a caged box with the name “DROOL” stamped on the front.
Life was never the same.
OOEY GOOEY CHEESY PIZZA MIXTAPE.
Posted on April 12, 2016 3 Comments
Collaborating together for the first time in history, Uncle T, Kurt Sloan & Big Mike Colonia all sat down over a deep-pan XL supreme pizza to carefully curate a mix worthy of calling itself the quintessential pizza mixtape of our generation.
As with most TNUC mixes, there’s a story to accompany the music, which goes a little something like this…
*It’s friday night, the mood is right and the city’s pizza epidemic is at an all time high. Everywhere you look, someone is sinking their teeth into an ooey-gooey-cheesy slice. Party goers, businessmen, sports fans, subway riders, tourists, cops, bellboys, taxi drivers, punkers, dealers and even the ninja mutant hookers on 42nd street. You name it, they all want a taste.
The pizza delivery boy sets out for what he believes is just another busy night in the big city. Slangin’ pies from the back of his motorbike, he rides through the night unaware that he’ll soon encounter something both dangerous and seductive. His route begins by taking short cuts through back alleys to skip traffic. [Upbeat tracks begin]. Steam rises from the pavement. Industrial-electronic sounds rumble from the underground club circuit. He looks to the left and sees a couple making out in the thick of some hazy blue lighting. On the right a fingerless-gloved hand flips open a butterfly knife. The city’s energy is hotter than these steaming-hot pizzas he’s carrying around.
It’s raining as he enters Chinatown. [Oriental-sounding synth music begins]. A streetcar vendor motions at him to stop at the busy White Dragon Noodle Bar. “Can’t stop now”, he whispers to himself. The pizza delivery boy’s final stop on this run will probably be a big tipper since it’s leading him to an upscale section of the city where he rarely goes. He parks his bike and grabs the sizzling pie from the red vinyl insulated delivery bag. A sexy voice calls to him from a window above. [Sultry track begins]. Quickly realizing he’s being lured into a lonely rich nympho’s apartment flat, he starts getting enthusiastic. She instructs him to deliver the piping-hot pie by first climbing up her fire escape ladder. Halfway up the ladder the pizza boy sees her window blinds tipping and her crystal eyes appear as she winks at him. The window opens and she yanks him inside. “Come fulfill my deepest darkest pizza desires”. He grins, raises his eyebrows and the pizza fantasies slowly unfold.*
For the next 40 minutes, let yourself be 8 years old again with our Ooey-Gooey-Cheesy-Pizza Mixtape. Think back to a simpler time, when items like the ones below were the most important things in the world.
uncletnuc.com 