MYSTERY MEAT MIX 2: THE SECOND HELPING.
For most of the year, Uncle T floats through life like a lump of crap, barely surviving on a steady diet of beer, cigarettes and Hungry Man dinners. However, once the holiday season rolls around a different kind of animal is unleashed.
Since “at risk senior” Granny TNUC fled to the mountains of Nicaragua to get away from everyone, this year the family were left with only one option. Let Uncle T handle kitchen duties. In the past this dangerous decision has proved horrible results. Illegal pyrotechnics, adultery, cattle tipping, mopery, divorce, living room mud wrestling pits, crying, overdoses and someone urinating in the kitty litter box. What starts out as something new and exciting turns into a threshold of holiday hell.
So for the last few weeks, an atrocious smell has been wafting from TNUC kitchen headquarters that can best be described as a blend of rosemary, sage, thyme, Cheez Whiz, salami, Orange Julius, a chimpanzee cage and Aqua Net. He strongly forbids anyone from entering the kitchen but ensures guests that his “roast” will be delicious and nutritious. The neighbors have already called the police several times because of “screaming” coming from the kitchen. The department of health were also notified about a strange purple ooze coming from the house and onto the street.
When Thanksgiving day arrives and it’s time to eat, the centerpiece monstrosity that sits before these innocent family members is pure, unadulterated MYSTERY MEAT. This obscene pile of sloppiness should come with warning labels or waivers to sign before eating. “WHAT IS IT?!” they cry out in agony. Off in the corner of the room Uncle T stands, his eyes gleaming with a wild and ravenous light. He whispers that the meal is approved for both carnivores, vegans, gorillas and even babies. Whatever that means. Then he lets out a big belch and Thanksgiving is officially underway.
To celebrate Thanksgiving week, we’ve also provided a soundtrack. Mystery Meat Mix 2: The Second Helping is best served around the dinner table or played for your late night dance party when the food has settled but alcohol has not. Although, my favorite time to listen is while traveling to relative’s houses. This is definitely a proper “road mix”. Mystery Meat Mix 2: The Second Helping is probably the only Thanksgiving mixtape you’ll ever hear, aside from the first Mystery Meat Mix…so please dig in and enjoy.
“Some will laugh. Some will cry. Some will hurl. ALL WILL EAT.”