MOTLEY CRUISE TO NOWHERE.

cruise tnuc 2

cruise tnuc
Ahoy matey’s, disciples, spring breakers, seasoned sailors and couch potatoes! It’s time to climb aboard and join yer’ #1 Uncle (TNUC) as he says bon voyage to this barren land for a dastardly trip at sea involving no shortage of sunshine, alcohol, ‘high-tide’ bikini bottoms, underwater muff diving and “Krell”! (more on “Krell” later…).

From 1987 it’s the MOTLEY CRUISE TO NOWHERE!
Before you continue, watch the commercial:

First of all – have a go at that vessel of passengers that this ship promises…a few babes, a bloody butcher, some guy carrying a machine gun, some guy carrying a Rambo lunchbox, a pig, a clown, a donkey and last but not least: hair metal sleaze-brains Mötley Crüe!

Almost 30 years ago, long before rock band cruises were a thing, Mötley Crüe created an MTV contest for a few lucky winners to set sail with them to Bermuda. The five hour luxury boat cruise would not only sail through the actual Bermuda Triangle, but the vessel of vermins would get to party with the band, stay in a ritzy hotel, get chauffeured around in a limo and each get $1,000 in spending money. Also, keep in mind that 1987 was the Crüe’s primetime deadbeat era. The band were hot on the heels of their ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ album and were at the peak of their drug-induced debauchery, so contest winners were essentially sharing the same living space with 4 of the most drugged up rock n’ roll degenerates walking the planet. For anyone who’s read all the stories like I have, it’s almost hard to wrap your head around the idea of these guys being able to board a boat and actually hold it together for an amount of time. But they did it…they really did it.

cruise tnuc 2

Also accompanying them on the ship were MTV’s staff, Vince Neil’s girlfriend Sharise (of Hollywood Tropicana fame) and the band’s security chief Fred Saunders. Again for anyone who’s savvy with their Mötley Crüe historical knowledge, the name Fred Saunders should be very familiar as he was the one who scored the band their “Krell” while on tour. “Krell” was their codename for cocaine, which got its name from the 1981 movie Heavy Metal. Anytime the band were out in public and needed a taste of booger sugar, saying the word “Krell” would alert ol’ Fred.

cruise tnuc 4“The day started out perfect. Just like a Harley Davidson with a tank full of gas. The Crüe was off to cruise the Caribbean and of course by our side was a boatful of babes and even better – some dude to pick up the tab.”
– Vince Neil 

Looking back at this naughty-nautical-adventure has me feeling naturally jealous, but I also can’t help to think about how innocent these times were. As wild and unpredictable as the voyage probably was, the intent was solely for a few lucky fans to have the time of their lives with their favorite band. This was 1987 and these types of events weren’t typical, so there was probably very little (if any) security. But was there actually a need for it? These were simpler times. Less synthetic drugs, no cell phones, no suicide bombers (at least not on a heavy metal boat). While the booze and illegal hijinks probably flowed like water, at least it wasn’t the prime intention of the trip. Very different from some of these all day “music” festivals where only 60% of the crowd know what artists are performing that day. The remainder purchased tickets at starting prices of $300 for other reasons, leaving the real, hungry fans at home.

tnuc cruise 5Above, an article from Metal Edge magazine. CLICK TO ENLARGE. (thanks Sleaze Patrol Files)

APRIL’S LOST (AND FOUND) LEGEND OF THE MONTH: TIM CAPPELLO.

tim cappello tnuc

As we roam the planet, one must stop to ask a few crucial questions, like through the cold and through the heat, do you still believe? How about through the rain, through the tears, through the crowds and through the cheers…do you still believe?

tim crowd
As far as Uncle T is concerned, we never stopped “still believing” that our Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month for April, Tim Cappello, was still out there, still making some weekend carnival crowd go completely apeshit as he pelvic thrusts around with his saxophone and chains, lacquered chest-to-face in body oil. It felt like only yesterday that Cappello was galloping around on stage in Santa Carla with legions of fans banging their heads over burning barrels and fist-pumping into the night air.

tim cappello tnuc
cappello fist tnuc

Let’s get one thing straight. This lord of the boardwalk doesn’t just play the saxophone…he makes it ERUPT. Just listen to the initial sax squeal in “I Still Believe” between 0:07 – 0:13 in the song. Seriously, even though you’ve probably heard it 7,000 times, go listen to how it’s introduced in the track. It’s like some sexual restrained gorilla letting out his first roar after he’s been held in captivity, right before he gallops away to devour every lady gorilla in sight.

I may know little about the saxophone as an instrument, but I’m definitely aware of how it can be used as a sexual mating call thanks to a certain shirtless, lady destroyer who goes by the name Tim Cappello. Pretty much everything about the famous 2-minute scene in The Lost Boys has been well documented in the TNUC history books (see here). So as much as he’s held in high regard around these parts for his contributions to rip-roaring, unadulterated saxophone, we didn’t plan on including him in the Lost Legend residency. It was just two years ago that we spotlighted the top (3) saxual moments in Cappello’s career in a piece called “Insta-Sax”, which we felt encapsulated everything there was to say about the man.

cappello fans tnucRabid Cappello disciples “still believing”.

This sad mentality was silenced once news broke that Cappello had been sighted at the “Mad Monster” horror convention in North Carolina just last week! The infamous beast of the boardwalk was back to sign autographs, sell a few merch items and perform his hit single in front of all the loyal fans that have pondered his whereabouts for so long.

cappello merch tnuc

Cappello teamed up with horror company London 1888 who released these limited chinese food boxed sets containing show flyers, maggots and a Tim Cappello cassette tape featuring a brand new recording of “I Still Believe”! Oh, and his very own line of body oil was available for purchase as well (yes, really).

Rest assured, Cappello confirmed that he hadn’t been homeless and living under the Santa Carla docks with a broken sax filled with barnacles. He hadn’t shriveled up over the years either. He was not only still looking buff, but in good spirits as he joked around with the guys at Dangerous Minds in an exclusive interview which every Cappello super-fan should read here. They discuss how he got involved with The Lost Boys, his drug addiction and what recording/touring with Tina Turner was like.

cappello recentMassive thanks (and envy) to our east coast disciple Garrett who sent Uncle T a chinese food boxed set AND got to meet the man himself! 

[Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month is a heartwrenching chronicle of forgotten iconic warriors who were either wiped off the face of the planet for reasons unknown or simply never got the chance to “peak” during their short-lived careers. We cherish these individuals and devote an entire month to celebrate their impact on society. To see the rest of em’, go here.]

LUCAS.

ueue

tnuc lucas 1

Before we delve into all the Spring Break mayhem this month, I wanted to post a track from Dave Grusin’s score to Lucas (1986) to represent the coming of springtime with a slice of easy breeziness. Even though the film takes place during the summer/fall, the ‘Main Title’ theme always reminded me of this time of year because of how it builds from a little bit of darkness into shining, glimmering light.

My favorite scenes in the film are probably the beginning ones. Lucas (Corey Haim) spends his carefree, sunny days wandering around town collecting bugs and running through the woods with new crush, Maggie. While Uncle T attempts to stay strong and fight back emotions while listening to this music, it’s not an easy thing to do while seeing how much talent this kid brought to the screen. Hey – we love Corey’s ‘radical era’ just as much as the next guy (The Lost Boys, License to Drive), but his early films like Silver Bullet, Secret Admirer and Lucas prove how versatile he was and shouldn’t be missed.

rtk

ldkd
I hope I didn’t come across too sappy with this entry, but it can’t ALL be long butts, foggy synths and oily-muscled explosiveness 100% of the time. TNUC is still 1/2 human and 1/2 Manimal, so it’s absolutely acceptable for us to pull at the heartstrings once in a while.

When Corey passed away in 2010, a local revival movie theater in Los Angeles held an immediate screening of Lucas – which I missed – but reports from those who attended say that people in the audience were crying and cheering at the end of the movie.

ueue
Miss ya, bud!

IMPORTANT LITERATURE.

IMG_8366

As TNUC’s MUD-WRESTLING-MARCH-MADNESS comes to a close, Uncle T would like to share a few full-frontal shots from his latest hardcover discovery, “The Art of Mud Wrestling” by Peter Barry (1984).

IMG_8366
IMG_8358

IMG_8357
IMG_8361
IMG_8363
Before we close this chapter, let’s review what we’ve learned from our spotlight on this lost artform:

1) The Land of TNUC could be the only platform in the world that has openly expressed a love and longing for this sport. 
2) Nobody seems to have any nostalgic memories of female mud wrestling (at least people who use the internet).
3) Mud Wrestling chicks and strippers are NOT the same. While starting a conversation with a stripper might go in the direction them whining and complaining about their lives, chatting with ladies of mud culture will most likely end with you in a face-to-boob headlock until you can’t breathe. Entirely different caliber of woman.

***If you missed any of the nasty action this month, go here to see it all.***

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: