It all started with a trickle of sweat. That first inkling of perspiration which climbed down Big Mike’s neanderthal forehead, past his serious beak and over his chiseled cheek. As it fell to the ground, he woke up on the beach from his winter slumber and let out a gorilla-sized moan that shook coconuts from nearby trees and had families holding on to each other for safety. What happened next will be for history books to teach the children of the future.
Just as the founding fathers rode to Independence Hall in 1776, Big Mike stood up and galloped straight from Malibu all the way to San Diego, pulling a gladiator chariot packed with every member of Journey (re-united w/ Steve Perry), The Barbarian Brothers, Beer Wolf, 100 partying ladies and 100 gallons of beer. He would end up running about 150 miles, pulling the chariot in one hand and waving a giant American flag in the other.
This physical triumph was made possible only because of a 43 minute power-hour called BIG MIKE’S ALL-AMERICAN MEGA-MOTIVATION MIX! Pure adrenaline. The ultimate rush. Other guys snort for it, jab a vein for it – all you gotta’ do is press play!
Big Mike’s love for everything red, white & blue knows no boundaries but it especially shines during this musical freedom quest. From sports cars to Venice Beach, movies, pancakes, angus beef, supplements and soft drinks like Crystal Pepsi, he cherishes every inch of this great nation more than anything. These songs were obviously chosen with no ironic point of view or any of that bullshit. This is uplifting, no-holds-barred motivation for people to rise to their absolute peak. It’s like a roller coaster of high-on-life feelings that never ends.
Here’s what Big Mike himself had this to say about the mix: “It could motivate any overweight, 100 year old wooden leg guy to climb the himalayas.” Enjoy the free download and don’t forget to pair this mix with plenty of meat, fire, explosions and alcohol on this blessed 4th of July!
1) Naval Aircraft Intro
2) Robin Zander – In this Country
3) Journey – Be Good to Yourself
4) Level 42 – Heaven in my Hands
5) Cutting Crew – One for the Mockingbird
6) Paul Engemann – American Dream
7) Kenny Loggins – Playing With the Boys
8) John Parr – Two Hearts
9) Tim Feehan – Where’s the Fire
10) Honeymoon Suite – Feel it Again
11) Huey Lewis & the News – Jacob’s Ladder
12) Danger Danger – Rock America
13) John Farnham – Hearts on Fire
Everyone’s aware of that frisky spot up the hill they call ‘THE POINT’. Even if you haven’t experienced one of these hot nights of your own, you’ve at least heard the stories.
In the event that someone is lost, ‘The Point’ a.k.a ‘The Make-Out Point’ is a somewhat secluded area where you take a loved one or a random steamy vixen during the evening hours in hopes of wrestling around together in your vehicle. The old folks called this act “parking”. The Point usually overlooks a city skyline, cliff or ocean – but it can really be anywhere you want it to be (e.g. under the bleachers on the football field, the roof of your barn, a baseball dugout). After a location is chosen, the real goal is to turn up the heat, so creating the right mood or vibe is crucial business. With a little help from a proper playlist of songs on your stereo, you’ll turn into lord of the thighs in no time. If only there were a certain influential Manimal with a song prescription that would help so many in need…
But wait, THERE IS. In today’s 1st edition of “Songs from The Point”, TNUC presents the top (5) songs that are guaranteed to make you a righteous ruler while sitting in that 4×4, van or muscle car. Today we’re sticking with mostly songs from the 1970s because they’re the most true and blue-blooded. (We’ll move to other decades later).
First though, some ground rules. When it comes to picking songs, don’t choose anything too obvious. NO BLATANT LOVE BALLADS. NO TOP 40. NO STAIRWAY! Deep cuts and hidden gems are the key. Nothing dorky or too progressive though. You need to impress your hellcat. You want chunky riffs that also boogie. You want swirling, celestial guitar solos that sound like they’re being played by long-haired, bong-ripping angels in heaven. Essentially “dad rock”…but not corporate dad who drives a Saab and can’t even build his own campfire. We’re talking about Union Carpenter dad. The one who spends his free time in the garage with the music blaring over a crappy stereo that he refuses to part with. He’s in there doing blue-collar activities like welding some cast iron with his shirt off, engulfed in fumes as a cigarette dangles from his bottom lip.
Ease those seats back, crack some beers and listen loudly under the open sky…
5) Gianni Rossi – Free Wheelin’
Gianni Rossi’s track from the Star Vehicle soundtrack isn’t from the 1970s, but then again nobody knows when it’s from. Plus who could really care about details and release dates as those crunchy riffs and fuzzy synths infiltrate your senses. Good times are mandatory with this song. It’s the perfect kick-off jam. Play this at dusk right when you arrive at The Point. Consider it foreplay.
Moment of Climax: Don’t scorch your shorts just yet.
Preferred ride of choice: 1977 Ford Country Squire.
Link: Buy Gianni Rossi’s ‘Star Vehicle’
∴ ∴ ∴
4) Sammy Hagar – Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Originally we had a completely different song for our #3 choice but that guitar-stomp pulled me into it’s vicious vortex so hard and then wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. This track simply oozes sex. This is the one you keep humming all week in shop class while thinking about your Saturday night at The Point. Once that 3 o’clock bell rings on Friday, you drive straight over to your Uncle T’s infamous “Devil’s Den”, the place your parents warned you about. There you stock up on all the essentials: cigarettes, tall cans, electric lettuce, a half-empty bottle of Schnapp’s and a few frozen burritos. Then it’s off to pick up Tina and head up the hill to try your action at The Point. Don’t blow it!
Moment of Climax: “But Saturday night, I’ll be checkin’ it out. From the back of my van!”
Preffered Ride of Choice: Any old van that comes with that little ladder attached on the back.
Buy: Fast Times at Ridgemont High: The Soundtrack
∴ ∴ ∴
3) Blue Öyster Cult – I Love the Night
This calls for getting out of your Chevy and sprawling out on the hood. Don’t just climb on the hood like a chubby goon though. Do a radical slide to plant yourself right in the center (without making a dent). Now it’s just you and the lovely lady, under the stars above with Buck Dharma’s astronomical guitar work crooning through the night air. The idea of work, school, bills and deadlines doesn’t exist. When the guitar solo hits it magically synchronizes with the smoke rings you just exhaled above your heads. All is right with the world and there’s nothing you’d rather be doing than holding onto your girl and staring up at the sky. BÖC are one the most underrated rock bands of all time so your significant other will be totally giving you the eye. Pictured above is Lanie from The Stoned Age (1994), who called their record Agents of Fortune “a total fuck album” during one scene in the movie. This song, however, came a few years later on an album called Spectres, but we agree with Lanie.
∴ ∴ ∴
2) Uriah Heep – The Wizard
This bonafide classic is for when your night suddenly unfolds into something completely unexpected. As “The Wizard” plays the two of you connect on exotic parallel universes and begin speaking to each other in a new language. You’re finishing each other’s sentences. You talk about the self-sustaining farm you’ll build in a few years. She starts throwing fairy dust into the air as you scramble around on the velvet shag carpet trying to find the last roach to smoke. You come to realize later in the evening that this was the first time you heard Uriah Heep. She was the one who brought this song to The Point and it’s during this moment that you realize this babe might be the certified gypsy queen you’ve been searching for all summer.
Moment of Climax: The entire 3 minutes.
Preferred Ride of Choice: Anything with a warlock mural airbrushed on the side.
Buy: Uriah Heep’s ‘Demons & Wizards’
∴ ∴ ∴
1) UFO – Love to Love
Here we go. Forget those played out Zeppelin and Frampton records, all you need is the final track on Side B of UFO’s 1978 opus ‘Lights Out’ and your cute date night will transform into a pleasure odyssey of mass eruptions. Mockingbirds will sing…stars will soar…leather will rip…denim will tear…guitars will wail and strange scents of perfume and welding fumes will drift through the air. This is the one!
Moment of Climax: The grande finale.
Preferred ride of choice: 1978 Dodge or Chevy customized shaggin’-wagon with wood paneling inside and a water bed in the back.
Link: Buy UFO’s ‘Lights Out’
∴ ∴ ∴
At least once a week there’s a reoccurring dreamscape I enter where I’m deserted on a tropical island. The weather is perfect, the air is pure and there’s enough food to get by. Thanks to my cunning survival instincts I’m relatively safe…or so I think. What begins as a dreamy picture of paradise quickly turns nightmarish when I find out the island is crawling with brain-eating zombie babes.
The biggest dilemma with being on a beautiful island full of female-only zombies is that I’m torn between leaving or not. It sounds crazy, but even though I’m constantly fearing for my life, there’s something alluring about the whole situation. (At least during the daylight hours.)
From way up in my tiki hut the babes hardly look like rotting corpses who want to eat me. From here they look like lonely bikini-car-wash girls and it makes my loincloth shift around. I know my sense of reality is skewed due to too much sun and if I keep buying into this illusion it will probably get me killed. The playlist on my desert island cassette mix also adds to the fantasy as it echoes through my solar-powered amplifier. The first song on the list is called ‘Sauvage’ from a French synth duo called Christine. This heavy electronic number is jam-packed with everything from steel drum samples to animal mating calls.
‘Sauvage’ is the first track off Christine’s new EP Ecstatic Sole which came out this week on Mouton Noir Records / Believe Digital. I don’t know much about the musicians behind this project but I’m just relieved they’ve provided me with songs to help me cope with some of these island temptations. You can grab the Christine EP on iTunes or Juno at your earliest convenience.
What else is on my Zombie Tropics desert island cassette mix? The following are some examples.
Turing Machine – Slave to the Algorithm (Lovelock remix)
Here’s a remix that also represents the overall mood during these frequent dream-quests of mine. Lovelock injects an ideal blend of sunshine and darkness in the song with an ominous, lurking beat giving way to waves of synth and jungle-y percussion. It can’t help but make me imagine these living dead babes crawling out of the sand to come for my slaughtering if they ever find my campsite. As light begins to fade on the island, feelings of dread soak my mind as I anxiously cover my tiki fort with bamboo, palms and banana peels to hide from a potential invasion.
Farbror Resande Mac – Quaaludes
Perfect song. Perfect title. Perfect off-shore breeze. Time to grab some headphones and give these lush sounds the listen that they (and you) deserve. This is the track that plays when I wake up in the morning and realize it was all a dream. I survived another night. I’m not one of the undead…YET.
Experts confirm that 8 out of 10 adults don’t know the first names of the hard-hustling cameramen behind our favorite public-access cable television show Wayne’s World, but Uncle T is looking to change those numbers.
Please clench one fist as tight as possible and raise it high in the air for Alan, Terry & Neil – our Lost Legend(s) Of The Month for June!
Rising up from a moldy basement in Aurora, IL, these detention hall veterans never dreamed they’d succeed to the top after such humble beginnings. Thankfully they made the wise decision to drop out of high school when the getting was good because they never would have met local rock n’ roll talents Wayne & Garth, who would end up bringing them on their journey to star-studded success.
Should Wayne & Garth get all the glory? Maybe, but just as roadies are crucial to a band’s live show, these three bonafide talents shouldn’t be overlooked. Alan, Terry & Neil aren’t ‘behind the scenes’ employees because they bring a lot of spunk, hilarity and heavy metal prowess to the table. They’re not only passionate masters of their craft but true brothers to Wayne and Garth, backing them 100% even during the harsh times. Whether it be a need to get the crew together to invade Gasworks on any given night, or playing tunes on the jukebox at Stan Makita’s Donuts, they’ll be there.
In order to properly profile these bodacious butt-heads, we should probably look at each dude individually.
Right from the start let’s address the elephant in the room. Alan is also “Matt” from Encino Man, the “shooosh”-ing bully who everyone in Encino High’s Class of 1992 loathed so much. Even though he still has the serious beak and his own personal holding company full of fundage, it appears that “Matt” cleaned up his act after being thrown onto the cake table at senior prom courtesy of Link. He dropped the shitty jock attitude and has chosen a new path in life – one that involves a camera rig, surf clothing and a crusty new mop. Way to go Alan!
One of his memorable scenes is when he’s hanging out on his camera rig, eyeballing Noah Vanderhoff’s (Noah’s Arcade) bimbo wife and tells him “your wife’s a babe”.
Terry is by far the most optimistic of the bunch. Behind his love of heavy metal is also his love for many male figures in the film. In some scenes Terry feels the need to express his emotions, repeating his “I love you man” phrase, which ended up years later inspiring Bud Light to use it for their beer campaigns. During the ‘mega-happy ending’ in the film, Terry says it once more to Benjamin’s right hand man/monkey boy, Russell, who then admits…“and I’ve learned that platonic love can exist between two grown men”.
Neanderthal-ish Neil is the quietest of the three, only muttering a few words here and there. During the awkward scene when Garth is left to host the show by himself, Neil refers to the head-exploding scene in 1981’s Scanners. He’s also left out of the famous ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ car ride scene, but in his place is Aurora’s most unforgettable town drunk, PHIL.
Pictured center, Phil is technically part of the crew even though he’s too drunk to contribute anything. He works at a body shop during the day and sports a tremendous heavy metal raglan collection. When the boys are filming the show, he pretty much just sits in the corner and keeps drunk. In his defense he’s a pretty small guy so it probably doesn’t take much for him to be intoxicated and hurl so much. Keep it up, Phil.
Since TNUC was originally going to honor Crucial Taunt as this month’s Lost-Legend, we should end with a song from the mega-babe lead singer and her band. The track is called “Touch Me” and it’s sung by Cassandra herself in the film. The following version however is by the band Private Life, who wrote the song for their Eddie Van Halen-produced self-titled album in 1990. Don’t get too excited, the band is decent at best and very corporate sounding…like something Frankie Sharp of Sharp Records would have gone after in a heartbeat. Nevertheless it’s a rare piece of Wayne’s World history, so enjoy the free download.
[Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month is a heartwrenching chronicle of forgotten iconic warriors who were either wiped off the face of the planet for reasons unknown or simply never got the chance to “peak” during their short-lived careers. We cherish these individuals and devote an entire month to celebrate their impact on society. To see the rest of em’, go here.]