Nothing defines depression more than when my VCR located in the TNUC lair crashes and burns. I suppose too many VHS viewings of Road House and Dolph Lundgren workout tapes will do this to a piece of technology, so I get it. Just the other day, I stumbled on a place located on the outskirts of Los Angeles called Spudic’s Movie Empire. This place is a pure VHS-gasm that everyone needs to check out. The walls of this goldmine are adorned with more Video Home Systems (VHS’s) than you’ve seen in quite a while. Plus, they even have a LASER-DISC section…BONER. It was there that I purchased a new VCR and to accompany it, a VHS of my choice for free. So naturally I went with 1984’s Thief of Hearts.

This slice of erotica stars Steven Bauer, most commonly known for playing the character “Manny”, the best friend and right-hand-man of Tony Montana. It’s too bad this thriller didn’t get the recognition like other’s of it’s genre such as Fatal Attraction and Basic Instinct. But hey, who can compete with sexual-tyrannosaurus Michael Douglas!

The soundtrack is the real moment of paramount in this lost gem which was produced by Harold Faltermeyer except for two tracks featuring production duties from Giorgio Moroder. The first I’d like to share is a crotch-thrusting anthem entitled “Just Imagine (Way Beyond Fear)”. The soaring synth and snarling guitars are the perfect sounds for taking your girl dancing through the damp and steamy-filled alleys of the city, during the darkest of nights. Haunting, yet calming…have a listen.

Beth Andersen & Joe Esposito – Just Imagine (Way Beyond Fear) download
(prod. Harold Faltermeyer)

This next number isn’t so much of a dreamscape like the previous track, and it certainly isn’t for your girlfriend. Simply titled “Thief of Hearts”, this sleaze-filled anthem is a pulsating theme best played for calling your regular, week-to-week escort, picking her up in your 87′ Monte Carlo and heading to the bowling alley. Enjoy.

Melissa Manchester – Thief of Hearts download
(prod. Giorgio Moroder)




…I’ve gotta go with my girl Kelly Bundy, the product of Al Bundy’s omnipotent semen. But that’s not the only reason I’m choosing this hell-bent-for-leather bombshell. Yes, she’s a bit of a bird-brain, but something about her tells me she’s a savage in the sack!


The fine people at the Pontiac Corporation went through their VHS archives for me and dug up some true treasures. Believe it or not, this first piece actually stars yours truly. What you see in this video is entirely true, no acting whatsoever. Apparently back in 1986, Pontiac was scheduled to shoot a commercial. Well it just so happens that night I was out combing the night streets in my black Trans Am. I decided that before I headed into the Valley to pick up this vicious babe I’d been seeing, I’d take a cruise into the night air, because driving my Trans Am through the steam & mist of the back alleys just looked so ruthless. I guess the Pontiac people just happened to be nearby and started filming. I was pretty confused at the time, but ignored them, picked up the broad, and well, “when in Rome”….

The “commercial” was huge for Pontiac, little did people know that it was just a standard Friday night for Uncle TNUC.


Here’s a few bonus favorites that the Pontiac people sent me on Laser Disc.. 


RIDE, PONTIAC RIDE!!! Why this song didn’t go #1 on the radio or MTV is BEYOND me.


Chevrolet snuck in here somehow. This is a deep one. Apparently this sports car can deflect all those dangerous, shooting, pink lasers that everyone had trouble with in 1984. Plus, you can finally take those dark rides through misty canyons you’ve been wanting to take your family all this time! C’mon kids! The music behind the voice-over is so good. I wish the voice-over wasn’t there, I would listen to that track over and over.


…This is every one’s favorite.  “CONQUER THE WIND”…


There’s no classier way to kick off the TNUC blog than an early ‘Uncle Jesse’ being thrust into a vortex of seduction from dame Vanity. The explosive chemistry found in this steamy scene also serves as an ideal representation of what’s to come around here..

A sweet tune.
A killer pair of white slacks.
A hot broad.

This is 4 minutes and 25 seconds of pure, uncut, unapologetic TNUC. It’s difficult to say what part I love the most. The Perrier water, the apple, the second apple, clothes coming off/saxophone-entering scene simultaneously…it’s all just too good.

TNUC was actually the #1 blog in 1985, but sadly excess got the best of TNUC, and the hard-living, fast cars/fast women lifestyle soon turned to overdoses, rehab, divorce hearings, car crashes, and quaaludes which put TNUC on hold throughout the 90’s. But we’re BACK, and we’re going for the throat!

BIG thanks to AKUTOU for hooking it up with this insane artwork. He captured the essence like no other could. Also to Phil and New Beverly Midnights for introducing me to Never Too Young to Die, the flick that features the aforementioned clip. I strongly recommend this 1986 gem, not only to bask in the glow that is John Stamos & Vanity, but more importantly witness the villain of this movie, a psychotic-hermaphrodite played by Gene Simmons of KISS. WHAT?? Yes…Now go pick it up.

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