| Page 91

WAR WITH THE WEIGHTS.

Posted on July 8, 2010 5 Comments

Not feeling very limber? Is your beach body not holding up with the little foxes down by the shore? Are you ready to turn mediocrity into greatness? Or do you just not care about being strong, but care about looking good naked? Relax, because we can help. Allow me to introduce you to former Oakland Raider, Lyle Alzado.

Alzado will turn that flab into fab in no time, and requires only two things from you. Two gallons of milk plus a total ultra-low price of $39.95 for his latest workout tape, No Sweat: The Exercise Program for Everyone. The motivational music for your sweaty session will be provided by Michael Sembello (“Maniac” song from Flashdance). This fun and effective workout will turn you into the #1 hardbody of 1984. What are you waiting for!?

“One good thing about working out with apple juice, orange juice or milk is that you can finish working out and you can drink it!” – LA

RUNNING FOR LOVE AND MONEY.

Posted on July 1, 2010 4 Comments

audiovisual |ˌôdē-ōˈvi zh oōəl|adjectiveusing both sight and sound

It isn’t often that I get to use the word balmy. It’s an unfortunate way to drift through your day, not being able to use a word so essential to this way of life. But a sigh of relief passes through me now because i’ve had the pleasure of hearing The Outrunners newest release, and their most anticipated effort of their careers thus far, the Running for Love and Money EP.

With Pierre de la Touche and Stephen Falken on board, one can expect to hear something that sounds like a space-station database marooned upon a tropical shore. A warm blanket of synthesized bliss rushes over every song, creating the soundtrack to a balmy night in your most vivid audio-sensual dreams. What I love about the Valerie starlet’s distinct sound is that it doesn’t play out like they’re trying to be retro or that it is rushed. It’s an organic feast that allows you to detach yourself from the current and step into a vortex of pure delight.

Please try not to be envious over the fact that i’ve been blessed to hear the EP in its entirety. The only reason TNUC is so privileged is because myself and The Outrunners frequently meet on a cloud of enlightenment at a remote location in the misty mountains of the French Alps to share foreign sounds of the future.

After several intimate listens of the EP, a trip through the TNUC vault was in demand. Here is a track from 1986 that we’ve chosen to share due to the fact that it fits The Outrunners balmy style and finesse.

Fun Fun – Give Me Your Love d/l

BON VOYAGE.

Posted on June 26, 2010 4 Comments

Today we’re proudly presenting one of the most iconic scenes from one of the most mesmerizing shows to ever grace our television screens, MIAMI VICE. It was only a matter a time before this scene saw the light around here. Everyone can appreciate an epic ride into the sunset with Sonny and Tubbs, while waves crash and visions of vigalante coke lords haunt their minds.

Russ Ballard’s hypnotic echoed rhythms can be heard in this clip with his track ‘Voices’. The scene and the song complement each other so graciously and effortlessly. They were truly made for one another. So throw on some of your favorite musk and slip into your loafers with no socks…and maybe even have a quick taste of that gram of uncut Colombian you’ve been waiting to unleash at the right moment. For a second you can almost smell the ocean air off this song as it plays over the clip.

Mp3 -> Russ Ballard – Voices

YEAH, ROCK ON, YES.

Posted on June 21, 2010 1 Comment

Someone please forward me their booking agent’s contact information so that they can play my annual summer pool party for the next decade.

THE TNUC SMASHER.

Posted on June 16, 2010 1 Comment

Unless you’ve been kicked by a mule or are just totally brain-dead from ludes’, you’ve come to realize that the word TNUC is CUNT…spelled backwards. A number of myths and legends behind the name suggest that it has nothing to do with the derogatory word, which is pretty much correct. The truest meaning behind TNUC has yet to be etched in emerald, but as we slowly unfold here on this site, we sink deeper into the ultimate meaning of this movement.

Now here is a guy who is a longtime supporter of this movement. Prior to prancing around on afternoon talk shows, this guy used to work for yours truly. I hired him as the muscle for some of my outlandish pool parties back in 1989. Back then he would be known as the TNUC SMASHER. Some of the parties at my house that year would go way over the top, with bodies flying out windows, people trying to steal my Lambourgini Countache and one particular individual I remember letting my pet cougar, Donna, out of her cage one night. It was incidences like these that I would call on the TNUC SMASHER to handle things accordingly.

After about a year, SMASHER fell into a deep depression after being turned down in an audition to be the new guitarist in the heavy metal band Ratt. See, over the years many people mistook him for the band’s late-great guitarist, Robbin Crosby. SMASHER was so dim-witted that he figured as long as he looked cool enough to fit the part, he would get the gig. When the band fired Crosby, SMASHER stepped in and thought it would be a walk in the park. After receiving the bad news of being denied, he began a long downhill ride with cocaine, lost all his muscle, and became useless to TNUC.

After a few years, he went cold turkey and bulked up again. Rumors suggested that he somehow gained motivation and went on a strict diet of egg whites, muscle enhancers and raw shark cartilage. I still didn’t require his services any longer and sued him for the rights to his former title, ‘TNUC SMASHER’. After a lengthy battle in court, I won and regained the title and his whole life savings. Apparently he had so much trouble giving up the title that he transformed it into simply, CUNT SMASHER, as seen in the video, and began guest starring on various talk shows and violating middle-aged women.

AHEAD OF OUR TIME.

Posted on June 14, 2010 2 Comments

Finally, I can sleep at night. The pleasant people at Panasonic Video Systems have created a lightweight, portable VCR system for all my pre-recorded, HI-FI dreams. Let’s have a look…

Even though summer is just beginning, this could be your only chance. Hop in that 4 x 4 you’ve had your eye on, tear the top off and head to the beaches of Malibu where long-legged beach bunnies and Panasonic VCR systems run free and dance in the sun.