DEEP TAN MIXTAPES.
Posted on July 23, 2024 5 Comments
A while back now, under an ancient sky and burning sun, there once lived a dastardly duo by the name of Uncle TNUC and Big Mike Colonia. These two misplaced Neanderthals roamed the barren lands of earth wondering what happened to this great land of music, fashion, style and attitude.
Instead of being distracted by modern-man’s tired excuse for music consumption, they took it upon themselves to create musical journeys like the DEEP TAN mixtapes. For serious sun-worshippers only, these mixes have been recently remastered for your beach and poolside listening pleasures.
If you don’t have access to a pool or sandy beach with long-butts as far as the eye can see, that’s perfectly OK because these listening sessions were designed to take you on a dream getaway. So press play, sit back, close your eyes and let Uncle T and Big Mike transport you to exotic destinations where the scents of coconut, banana, pool water, cucumber and resort towels infiltrate your senses.
WARNING: REPEATED LISTENS CAN CAUSE A TROPICAL-INDUCED COMA. IF YOU’RE A PLATINUM BLONDE WITH A BIG SET OF ATTITUDES WHO EXPERIENCES SYMPTOMS SUCH AS A SHORTAGE OF VACATION® SHIMMER OIL OR BRONZING LOTION NOT ADHERING TO YOUR BODY PROPERLY, DIAL 1-900-UNCLE-T, IMMEDIATELY.
Buy high-quality Mp3 download in 320kbps
Send $6 via PayPal uncletnuc@gmail.com
(I’ve started to sell downloads because these mixtapes always cost Uncle T a few bucks and they are time consuming. Support TNUC and I’ll keep making them for all eternity.)
CAMP CONFESSIONS: VOODOO VIOLINCE.
Posted on July 16, 2024 1 Comment
Welcome to “Camp Confessions”, a new column that gives our Camp TNUC counselors an opportunity to share their stories and memories of times at summertime’s hottest retreat. All the hijinks, mayhem, barely legal activity, lovers quarrels and cherished moments to be etched in the annals of history…
Having attended Camp TNUC for many years, one of the highlights besides the mud wrestling, panty raids, tug-of-war or lakeside blob launching has always been the talent show. In classic Uncle T fashion, he typically keeps the host and headline act top secret until well after the hot dog eating contest. Despite tight lipped camp counselors and a signed waiver of non-disclosure, inevitably, all it takes for wild-card counselor Butchie to spill the beans to clamoring campers is a pretty face with a pair of supple C cup melons in some cut off denim shorts. While past hosts have included Leslie Jordan, Vincent Schiavelli, Yakov Smirnoff, Edie McClurg and Fabio, Uncle T somehow always finds a way to bring in a major touring musical artist.
Who can forget when King Kobra and Helix nearly got into fisticuffs at the craft services table backstage over the last Hostess Ding Dong? Well despite that little dust up they still put on one hell of a show for the sixty or so sweaty/horny campers that summer.
While I wouldn’t dare spoil a surprise, I’ve been granted exclusive access to disclose this year’s headline entertainment. You may have seen him perform on Jay Leno’s Tonight Show, or perhaps caught him shredding up “Crazy Train” at the Randy Rhodes tribute show, well, now it’s time to rosin up your bows and strap on your fingerless, riveted leather gloves because Uncle T has done it again…it’s Vivaldi meets Vandenburg and Vinnie Vincent. I am pleased to announce Camp TNUC’s 2024 headliner is none other than MR. MARK WOOD, the world’s first heavy metal violinist!
– Counselor Denny Tiptoe
IG: @neonghoulieglow
WET-HOT-TNUC-SUMMER, PART 6.
Posted on July 3, 2024 3 Comments
For this installment of WET-HOT-TNUC-SUMMER, we’re reporting to you LIVE from the dusted and crusted grounds of Camp TNUC. We finally got Uncle T to pause naked catapulting on the inflatable “Blob” at the lake for five minutes to give us his top plans for camp hijinks this summer. So without further ado, here they are.
#1 PIZZA TUG-OF-WAR FEAT. JOHN STAMOS!
We’re kicking things off the old fashioned way with a classic tug-of-war competition over a hot bed of slimy pizzas on the beach but this time around we have a very special guest. Appearing for “one night only” it’s the star of Full House, Never Too Young To Die, the congo player from The Beach Boys, Uncle Jesse himself…JOHN STAMOS! The master of mousse will referee the stiff competitors and provide live commentary on all the hot ‘n cheesy ‘n sandy action. We’re hoping to get him drunk enough to plug into the amps later that night for a special Jesse and The Rippers performance! Watch video above.
#2 MAKE HITCHHIKING GREAT AGAIN!
What happened to hitchhiking? Where did it all go wrong? Why is it only associated with knife-wielding thieves and criminals? I’ll tell you what…this summer all that’s about to change on the road to Camp TNUC. We encourage all campers instead of taking the normal commute or having your parents drive you, do some hitchin’! Take some risk and get weird. There’s a good chance you’ll be picked up by a nice old trucker named Bubba, or a farmer named Weasel, and they’ll talk your ear off while cranking some John Denver or Moody Blues and telling stories about life on the road. Bonus points if one of them utters the phrase “my take home pay won’t take me home”.
Word to the wise though, if they start with the googly-eyed glares or the driver starts going in the complete opposite direction of camp and they ignore you yelling “STOP THE TRUCK!” over and over, just pop open the door and safely tumble out of the truck onto the shoulder of the road to avoid being murdered. It will be worth the story when you get to camp!
#3 ARCADE MANIA!
Jumping music, slick deejays, fog machines and laser rays! Please give a warm Camp TNUC welcome to our newest counselors this year, Rhonda and Butchie. These two will be exclusively in charge of the games room, which features over 100 classic joystick arcade games, pinball wizardry and jukebox glory. You can’t miss Rhonda as she will be on roller skates for the entire duration of camp (as demanded by Uncle T). Butchie pretty much just struts around camp in his wrestling briefs, but you won’t be laughing when you try to beat his high score on Galaga!
#4 MIDNIGHT SCREENING OF FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NEW BEGINNING!
Get out the sleeping bags and grab your favorite pillow for a night of terror! The first Saturday of Camp we’ll be screening 1985’s Friday the 13th: Part 5 or as the locals refer to it, A NEW BEGINNING. For as much as this installment of the Jason Voorhees series is maligned, we enjoy its weirdness and how “off” it feels. Plus I owe this movie a great deal of gratitude as it was one of the first times I saw a pair of boobs. Not just boobs, but a wonderful set of busty attitudes displayed on a picnic blanket in the warm summer sun. It doesn’t get much better than that. Refreshments and snacks will be provided. What do you think we should stock for movie candy this year? Sound off in the comments section.
#5 MUD WRESTLING FIELD TRIP!
Once a summer we pile into the yellow buses and “One-Armed Willie” the bus driver takes us anywhere we tell him to. After all, he works for a wage of peanuts and bologna sandwiches as provided by Uncle T. So this season we’re road-tripping to a magical place where the mud and oil flows like beer and wine. I’m talking about a little place called the MUD WRESTLING BAR.
The sacred sport of female oil and mud wrestling still to this day doesn’t get the recognition or return to form that it deserves. Lady competitors (NOT strippers) in mud-soaked bikinis, tearing each other to bits inside of a ring while “accidental” or deliberate removal of wrestlers’ tops makes spectators scream and holler with excitement and feverish glee. How the art of mud wrestling hasn’t returned in a major way to this world is beyond comprehension. I suppose it just speaks volumes to how sad and mundane we’ve become as a society! If you’d like to read more about mud wrestling, TNUC spent a whole month covering it over here.
#6 CRUCIAL TUNES!
Campers, it’s now time to remind you that all (3) volumes, yes three volumes = over three hours of official Camp TNUC soundtracks are available at this location. Everyone knows how tirelessly Uncle T worked on these mixtapes because really at the end of the day it’s all about the music. The crucial tunes. If that doesn’t wet your whistle, below is a song we’ve been rocking on the beach lately – “Beach & Burgers” by Clone. See you at camp!
JUNE’S EROTIC THRILLS IN THE NIGHT: TWO MOON JUNCTION (1988).
Posted on June 26, 2024 Leave a Comment
*The following submission is a previous TNUC article that has been restored and revamped*
Not many people know this, but back during the summer of ’87 Uncle TNUC toured the countryside working for one of the sleaziest carnivals on the market. He spent three months building amusement rides (shirtless) and trying to impress small town local babes (fully oiled up). Being on the road all summer as a rough-hewn, muscle-bound carnival worker might not sound all that glamorous but the job did have its perks. Every so often a bored, rich and lonely debutante would wander through the carnival and Uncle T was more than happy to lend a helping hand in the “desires department”. It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta’ do it.
The once in a lifetime job ended abruptly when a lawsuit brought the carnival down, claiming that our cotton candy machines were lined with cocaine residue and some fat kid got squeezed to death on the tilt-a-whirl.
Anyone who’s seen TWO MOON JUNCTION can imagine that when the film came out in 1988, naturally Uncle T thought someone bad based the plot on his life. This angered him for a short while until he heard who was starring in the movie. The female and male roles were played by Sherilyn Fenn (The Wraith, Twin Peaks) and one of our favorite crude dudes roaming the free earth, Richard Tyson (‘Crisp’ from Kindergarten Cop and ‘Buddy Revel’ from Three O’Clock High)!!!
The film centers around a beautiful “southern belle” named April who’s about to marry one of those preppy, privileged, boring nerds that wears nothing but white clothing and wants to “do right” by his mommy and daddy. However stirring within April is a raging sexual desire that erupts when she strolls into the carnival one afternoon and locks eyes with one seductive-ass carny. Welcome to our Erotic Thrills In The Night for the month of June, Two Moon Junction!
ENTER PERRY. Perry is a traveling nomad that has it all. The looks, the attitude, the hair, the jeans, the no underpants, the motorcycle, the dog, the big rig…you name it. April is apprehensive when she meets Perry because of his wild lifestyle but it doesn’t take long for her to fall victim to his insatiable carny-lust. The two embark on a journey of steamy desire for the ages.
Instead of continuing with a play by play synopsis of the film, let’s shine a spotlight on some of our favorite things about Two Moon Junction in true TNUC fashion…
#1 THE PASSION!
Two Moon Junction is rich with sex scenes. Not just sex scenes, but montages of gripping passion and animal attraction that feature both female and male nudity. It was no surprise to find out that Zalman King directed the movie, who is most famous for directing the long-running television series Red Shoe Diaries. If you’re of similar age as I am, Red Shoe Diaries was a pivotal boner program of our youth, to put it bluntly.
Two Moon Junction features some visually bizarre scenes and dialogue that doesn’t really gel with what’s actually happening on screen. That’s not necessarily a bad thing for a movie of this nature and actually makes sense when you find out it’s the same director as Red Shoe Diaries.
#2 CARNY SYLES!
This movie is sometimes like peering straight into Uncle T’s closet and Perry is a chip off the old block. The open trench-coat with no shirt underneath look is classic late-evening carny sleaze. Dusty trench-coats are magnets for ladies who like to roam the carnival looking for hot action.
Perry dresses in an effortless manner similar to Bodhi from Point Break or Casey Jones from TMNT: The Movie. It’s a savage nomad approach that meets at the crossroads of filthy and cultured. Take for example the above scene where he’s playing pool at a local billiard bar, distracted by the two girls on the dance floor. In this example he’s looking almost scholarly in his circular eyeglasses and white shirt buttoned to the neck.
#3 AWESOME FREAKS!
This is a bizarre movie and it’s cast of characters are a pure reflection of that. Throughout the film we’re introduced to a colorful array of freaks, geeks and weirdos. The above scene involves a high-stakes poker game with the carnival’s freakshow group. The story gets a little bleak here but apparently the little guy is a greedy bastard who Perry is not happy with. Yes, that actor is Hervé Villechaize, the famous dwarf who played ‘Tattoo’ on the television series Fantasy Island!
Let’s not dismiss a few great boneheads from the movie as well. The guy on the right who looks like a fat Paul Stanley I know i’ve seen somewhere! If anyone recognizes him, please speak up.
#4 GRIM REAPER T-SHIRT!
When this showed up on screen I spilled my ice cold ZIMA and sent a bowl of Keebler Magic Middles launching across the living room. Grim Reaper are one of my favorite heavy metal bands and songs like like ‘Rock Me Till I Die’, ‘Night of the Vampire’, ‘Rock You to Hell’ and ‘Lust for Freedom’ are mainstays of the TNUC playlist. Then it got me thinking…why am I making a mental connection between Grim Reaper and carnivals?…
Because Grim Reaper are probably the #1 band to show up on those carnival mirror prizes! What the hell are carnival mirror prizes? Those square pieces of mirrored glass containing images of album covers, cartoon characters or beer companies. Grim Reaper weren’t a very successful band and never had a hit, but for whatever reason they CONSTANTLY show up on carnival mirror prizes. Go ahead, do an eBay search right now!
#5 CARNIVAL MOVIE TYPECASTING!
Allow me to explain. One of April’s friends in the film is the girl in the middle, played by actress Kerry Remsen. When she appeared in the movie, I immediately recognized her as ‘Nicole’ from the horror creature feature, Ghoulies 2.
Both Two Moon Junction and Ghoulies 2 were released in 1988. Both movies take place at carnivals. This actress just happened to star in two bizarro films in the same year taking place at carnivals? Or was she typecast into roles revolving around amusement parks and weirdos? Ponder on that one.
♥ ♥ ♥
Thanks for reading TNUC’s thoughts on this tantalizing tale of carny seduction. We strongly urge you to seek out the film and give it a proper 2:00 am viewing. It’s best to watch these types of movies in the middle of the night.
‘Erotic Thrills In The Night’ is a monthly chronicle into the forgotten world of the erotic thriller movie genre. These sultry titles and steamy VHS covers were at their absolute peak during the early 1990’s but as years progress, they fall deeper into the abyss. Inspired by the recent documentary We Kill For Love, this monthly feature will attempt to resurrect these films and keep you on the brink of seduction. We can’t predict what indecent behavior will be committed or how much illicit, unprotected, promiscuous activity will ensue, but prepare for a wild ride with lots of saxophone.
URGING SUMMER.
Posted on June 4, 2024 2 Comments
Living in the oversaturated media world of today, it can get exhausting trying to navigate through the onslaught of “content” (horrible word) to try and find the real quality, especially when it comes to music. What is meant to be convenience at your fingertips can actually feel pretty daunting — unless you have an avenue to venture down.
Music journalist, DJ and producer Andi Harriman is an expert in post-punk, industrial, goth, Italo disco and soundtrack bliss from our favorite decade. Much like Uncle T, she sifts through the clutter to find the diamonds, gems, pearls and sweet nectar. When Andi isn’t spinning Italo rhythms of the night at New York based dance nights like Synthicide or Italomatic, she is crafting exquisitely executed mixes like the one featured below.
Andi and friend Violet Sky open the floodgates and urge summer to arrive with two hours of 1980s soundtrack glory and high energy dancefloor pulsations.
Audio version above…video version below. ENJOY THIS.
MAY’S EROTIC THRILLS IN THE NIGHT: POSSESSED BY THE NIGHT (1994)
Posted on May 30, 2024 1 Comment
If you solely base this movie by the poster and title, it checks every box in the genre and you can pretty much predict what you’re about to watch. The title is a throw-anything-at-the-wall word scramble that resembles every other film of the genre. “Possessed”, “heat”, “passion”, “elicit”, “indecent”, “fatal”, “seduction” and “mortal” are just some of the keywords in the erotica explosion universe. Plus, of utmost paramount is that buxom name at the top: SHANNON TWEED. The empress of erotica has been featured in our Erotic Thrills In The Night chronicles before and I guarantee she will keep showing up over and over because to date she’s starred in 7,000 erotic thrillers. As for today, our focus is 1994’s POSSESSED BY THE NIGHT for the month of May!
With all that said, you shouldn’t judge a horny thriller by its cover because Possessed By The Night is the sensitive story of a one-eyed mutant embryo in a jar that controls people by awakening their sexual instincts. Fear not though — there are still plenty of softcore scenes featuring an ever-so tantalizing Tweed, just with the inclusion of a living blob this time around. Here’s a quick synopsis:
Howard Hansen (Ted Prior) is a famous novelist who is struggling with his latest book. For inspiration, he brings home a bizarre artifact which strangely draws his inner most thoughts and desires to the surface. But while his writing improves, his behavior takes a menacing turn, exposing a dark side never known, not even to his wife (Sandahl Bergman)…until that night’s lovemaking turns into a terrifying struggle for sexual dominance (enter Shannon Tweed).
The loving husband and wife pictured above have no idea what’s about to be in store after Howard brings home this gelatinous monstrosity from an antique store which soon turns him into a sexual demon. Pretty soon, his book agent sends over a secretary named Carol (Tweed) to help Howard get organized. She immediately moves into the couple’s home and you can probably guess what happens next.
The presence of the creature seems to make people extremely horny and a bit unhinged. During these moments the blob is sort of watching from its jar while people get it on.
This is the sort of flick you would have caught at a friend’s sleepover party at 2am while everyone is sleeping but you’re wide awake after bingeing on Domino’s pizza and Funyuns. While channel surfing through the cable box in your buddy’s parents living room, it’s nothing but the weather channel, infomercials, Ricki Lake and reruns of Gilligan’s Island. All of a sudden a movie appears by the name of Possessed By The Night. You start watching and for the next 80 minutes, you are half-asleep yet completely consumed by this absurdity and it’s the best thing at that exact moment. After that night, in the pre-internet age, you spent the next 25 years wondering what whackjob movie you watched that evening.
‘Erotic Thrills In The Night’ is a monthly chronicle into the forgotten world of the erotic thriller movie genre. These sultry titles and steamy VHS covers were at their absolute peak during the early 1990’s but as years progress, they fall deeper into the abyss. Inspired by the recent documentary We Kill For Love, this monthly feature will attempt to resurrect these films and keep you on the brink of seduction. We can’t predict what indecent behavior will be committed or how much illicit, unprotected, promiscuous activity will ensue, but prepare for a wild ride with lots of saxophone.
uncletnuc.com 