A LOVE LETTER TO BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO.
Posted on February 25, 2015 10 Comments
Dearest Blockbuster,
On behalf of current society, TNUC would like to apologize for a large majority of us (not Uncle T) who acted like total PRICKS when the announcement came that Blockbuster Video had sadly passed away. The once reigning, defending, undefeated, undisputed champion of video rental stores had closed it’s doors for good and much of what could be heard by former fans/customers was nothing but negative comments and complaints. Instead of thanking Blockbuster for providing countless movie browsing memories, people took to the internet to whine and bitch about their “nightmarish memories” of late fees, customer service and other complete nonsense. It was demented and sad to see people so quick to bash a place that opened our eyes to so many classic and wacky film discoveries.
As for the independent mom-and-pop video outlets, we love em’ too, but Blockbuster was JUST as goddamn magical. Entering under that blue & yellow canopy and walking into an overwhelming movie paradise with racks of videocassettes stacked high and low was something truly special. I remember during one of my initial trips roaming through the ‘Action/Adventure’ genre section and seeing out of the corner of my eye two giant, tanned, almost-naked, oily freaks on the front of a VHS box with the words The Barbarians across the top. I was never the same.
Training Video [1990] – Part 1 / Part 2
Just like so many others, the biggest impact came from the almighty ‘Horror’ aisle. The endless array of VHS covers with monstrous artwork featuring demons, beasts, maniacs with blades, women in terror and neverending nastiness made young imaginations run wild. I remember doing several laps around the store just to walk by these titles for a second and third time before having to choose a movie and go home. In prepubescent TNUC days I attempted renting horror movies but usually changed my mind last minute and rented Beetlejuice for the 9th or 10th time that month.
This letter of love wasn’t meant to bash our current times or make anyone bummed. Uncle T has no problem with movie streaming services and downloads. What we do have a problem with is unfair Blockbuster bashing. To those ungrateful pricks who haven’t let Blockbuster rest in peace: Guess what? Now there’s NO place to walk into and stare at boxes with strange and over the top artwork featuring masked psychopaths, seduced women, kid-friendly talking beasts and exploding-muscled, renegade heroes. There are NO aisles to roam down and get lost under the fluorescent lights and stale popcorn aroma. We know you miss this experience…and if you claim you don’t…YOU WILL.
With loving memories and deepest sympathy, Thank you Blockbuster.
-Uncle TNUC
*If you have fond memories of Blockbuster and can still close your eyes at night and smell that VHS clamshell plastic, share your thoughts below!*
FEBRUARY’S LOST LEGEND OF THE MONTH: VAL VENIS.
Posted on February 18, 2015 3 Comments
How we’ve neglected to induct a professional wrestler into ANY of our monthly countdowns is seriously beyond me. Well disciples, I wholeheartedly apologize and promise that this all changes today. Please give a warm, TNUC welcome to February’s Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month, WWF/WWE’s very own forgotten sleazeball…VAL VENIS! Before reading any further, it’s absolutely imperative that you revisit his classic entrance video:
The drill. The blooming flowers. The purple hard hat. THE HOT DOGS.
I know many of you are saying to yourselves right now – “Val deserved a rightful spot on last year’s Deadbeat-Of-The-Month, shame on you Uncle T”. Since we flat-out forgot he even existed, this sleaze-beast is being placed into the “Lost Legend” category in 2015 because to put it simply, it’s the right thing to do.
Dubbed by most as the “pornstar wrestler”, Val Venis made his WWF debut in 1998, immediately presenting himself as a sex-obsessed lovechild who looked like he just walked off the set of a mid-90’s Skinemax shoot. The only person who could possibly give Val a run for his money with a video this amazing would be Leslie Nielsen and his fornication-explosion montage in Naked Gun 21/2: The Smell of Fear.
The Big Valbowski was introduced to the wrestling universe in a string of promo videos which featured the wrestler either in bed or frolicking in the jungle with real-life pornstar Jenna Jameson. From there on, wrestling fans were treated (or tortured) to Val’s ring entrance which involved him tearing off his tiny white towel and groping himself in front of sold out WWF crowds. Midwest Harley moms went wild for the man, while others were slightly disgusted. However, this was during WWF’s “Attitude” era, a time when Vince McMahon constantly tested people’s limits to gain higher ratings. However people felt about the man, he always got a reaction, which is the #1 objective with all wresting characters and storylines. His skills in the ring were solid, but his backstage sexual exploits were really what put him in the spotlight. Big Val was caught up in a series of affairs and scandals in which he slept with some of wives and girlfriends of WWF wrestlers. Many of these women fell victim to and were helpless against his seductive powers. This lead to a series of brawls and dramatic moments with wrestlers ready to beat the living daylights out of our Lost Legend. This became a recurring story but ultimately peaked with one of the most unforgettable moments in WWF history..
“I choppy, choppy your pee pee.” (actual quote)
On the August 3rd, 1998 edition of “Raw is War”, Val was dragged out of the ring by the Kaientai because he’d slept with wrestler Yamaguchi-San’s wife. They tied him up backstage, unleashed a samurai sword and almost castrated him. Who saved Val from having his Venis severed off? John Wayne Bobbitt himself! He also reported the following week that he was saved by “a little shrinkage” as well.
Sexuality, nudity and castration were themes Val Venis brought to the world of wrestling entertainment and we can’t thank the WWE/WWF for finding such a cool guy. We’re not sure what Val is doing these days, but I fear and assume it’s nothing as triumphant as anything talked about here today. So until further notice, he’ll remain in our minds…a Lost Legend. *I do pray he’s living large off a string of strip clubs he owns in South Florida, riding around in his 87′ Monte Carlo SS in only his white towel which has never been washed, with big plans in 2015 of starting a female mud wrestling league to pack gymnasiums all around the USA in the summer.*
[Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month is a heartwrenching chronicle of forgotten iconic warriors who were wiped off the face of the planet for some reason or simply never got the chance to “peak” during their short-lived careers. We cherish these individuals and devote an entire month to celebrate their impact on society. To see the rest of em’, go here.]
VIDEO LUST.
Posted on February 12, 2015 2 Comments
Sharpen your claws and get ready to descend into an erotic-audio-abyss for the animal in us all with Room8’s VIDEO LUST. February is of course the month of love…and lust. Uncle T reminds us that themes of ‘lust’ aren’t strictly for satisfying only those typical, sex-craved appetites. Often times instead, couples can experience what doctors call VIDEO LUST: moments of romantic obsession for video memories of the past. This could be a simple case of sharing a bottle of Pino Noir on your black satin covered couch while re-watching Cat People (1982). Or setting up that Panasonic Video System Hi-Fi Recorder on your red velvet, rotating waterbed to make a few memories of your own…
Our fellow Los Angeles brethren Room8 aren’t here to smack you over the head with obvious, sexually-desperate tracks but instead pull from a plethora of horror, fantasy and sci-fi soundtracks that work magically together. This mix arrives right on time for Valentine’s Day and should be used to guide you in whatever direction your night takes on the 14th. Even if a quiet evening at home is your plan, we hope this 40-minute selection inspires you to explore the VIDEO LUST genre of your video library or cable network. You know the ones. Everyone knows the best time to catch these films is at 3:00 a.m. when you’re half asleep.
Make no mistake, this mix is no bedtime story. Especially for you younger audiences. We recommend getting your parent’s permission before you browse the exotic aisles of VIDEO LUST. Just kidding. Press play and indulge.
1. Tenebre Main Theme – Goblin (Tenebre)
2. Christine – Ralf Hennings (Christine)
3. StarDancer – Klaus Schulze (Body Love)
4. Love Theme – Giorgio Moroder (Superman III)
5. The End (Disco Version) – Splash Band (Assault On Precinct 13)
6. Patrick Theme – Goblin (Patrick)
7. The Dead Walk – John Harrison (Day of the Dead)
8. Igloos – Greg Hawkes (Anna)
9. The Dukes Arrival – John Carpenter (Escape From NY)
10. Gimme Some Lovin – The Blues Brothers w/ Jake Blues (The Blues Brothers)
11. The Kitchen/The Unicorn Theme Reprise – Tangerine Dream (Legend)
12. The Terminator Theme – Brad Fiedel (Terminator)
13. Jennifer – Goblin (Phenomena)
14. Justice For One Instrumental – John Farnham (Savage Streets)
15. Sequence 8 – Fabio Frizzi (Zombi 2)
16. Charly The Kid – Tangerine Dream (Firestarter)
17. We Don’t Need Another Hero – Tina turner (Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome)
18. Love Theme From Thief of Hearts – Harold Faltemeyer (Thief Of Hearts)
19. Let’s Spawn – Michael Perilstein (The Deadly Spawn)
20. Titles – Vangelis (Chariots Of Fire)
21. StarDancer – Klaus Schulze (Body Love)
22. Desert Drive – Tangerine Dream (Wavelength)
23. Starman Leaves – Jack Nitzsche (Starman)
– – –
From the creators:
“There are two musical focuses for ROOM8’s studio work. One is our electronic pop songwriting and Collabs with other artists and the other is our love of film and soundtracks. We love and are inspired by many of the synth soundtracks of the past and we are influenced by them in our work. To this end we bring you, Video Lust. A mix we created digging through vinyl with our friend, Herschel Gaer. We hope it inspires filmic daydreams and night fantasies for you all.”
Ezra and Nic,
ROOM8
MACHO LUNCH.
Posted on February 5, 2015 5 Comments
Brute strength. Immense power. Blockbuster explosiveness. Hot lunch.
Just the other day this take-out pizza menu landed on my doorstep, featuring some of TNUC’s favorite action gurus sitting on top of an I-beam munching on burgers, fries, pizza and calzones. I could sit here with a straight face and attempt to tell you that it had arrived from some other dimension, a version of “heaven” if you will, one that’s home to action’s top macho men hanging out on construction sites eating junk food. Truth be told, the menu came to me from our friend at It Came From the VCR, who got it from someone in France.
Aside from Van Damme who looks really pissed off, everyone else is in good spirits, eating lunch and probably talking about working out, their favorite 80’s robots, who had the best montages and how many of them slept with Brigitte Nielsen. Schwarzenegger looks the most accurate, evoking the spirit of that big goofy foreign worker who shows up to the jobsite his 1st day wearing massive overalls and nothing underneath. He’s a little dumb but works hard and is happy to be there. Mel Gibson just looks high and Jack Nicholson is wasted beyond belief. Sly Stallone looks to be their fast-food-foreman, swinging around the iron like Tarzan with one hand on a suspension cable and the other on a pizza box.
The menu is in French so the only words I can make out are some of the combination plates, which include “La Chuck Norris” (tomate, fromage, boeuf hache, poulet, chorizo, olives, origan) and a pizza called “La Stalone” (Creme, lardons, oignons, fromage, olives, origan). The artwork is wacky but impressive. Whoever came up with this concept must have dreamed of it being presented beyond a 1″ x 6″ take-out menu. But then something came to mind…
It took me a few minutes before realizing this photo looked familiar. If you’ve ever visited a contractor’s office, you’ve probably seen this classic photo from 1932 which is called “Lunch Atop a Skyscraper”. The photo shows New York construction workers taking their lunch break up hundreds of feet in the air above the ground while building Rockefeller Center.
Doing a little research on the action hero version will guide you to a German artist by the name of Serdar Hizli, who was inspired by the original photo to paint his own version, (seen here in full), which sold over 3,000,000 copies worldwide in 1995. While the full version features 13 of the film industry’s biggest stars, it inspired Uncle T to come up with his own rendition. Here’s who would show up on the official TNUC poster…
From left to right: Patrick Swayze, Malibu (American Gladiators), Dolph Lundgren, The Barbarian Brothers, Santa Carla’s Vampires, Brian Bosworth (w/ pet Komodo dragon), Beer Wolf, Chainsaw & Dave (Summer School), Big Mike and The Manimal.
JANUARY’S LOST LEGEND OF THE MONTH: THE BROCKTON TRASH ICON.
Posted on January 29, 2015 8 Comments
Fresh off the heels of 2014’s Deadbeat-Of-The-Month, TNUC gallops into 2015 with a brand new monthly splurge: LOST LEGEND OF THE MONTH!
“Lost Legend”? Oh, like Kurt Cobain or something? NOPE.
Our Legends are forgotten men and women, as well as misplaced beasts that have been misunderstood and neglected throughout the course of history. People that given the chance and proper placement in life should have dominated everything in their path. But somehow that didn’t happen. For whatever reason they missed their window to rise to the top of that plateau with wind whipping through their hair and a sweaty clenched fist pointed to the high heavens, declaring their brute strength and sexual prowess on all of mankind.
The painful thing about seeing one of these supreme icons in action is that it might only last two seconds, whether that be in-person or on TV. However, that mere glimpse of getting a feel for their attitude, strut, and ruthlessness spoke numbers and left you in a daze of inspiration. You must get to know this mega-being, discover their daily activities, imitate their body language, see what’s on their bedroom walls and find out what action movie soundtrack they hold forever true.
On the flipside, these Legends aren’t restricted to being only the elusive kind. He, she or IT could be someone who was in the media spotlight for a period of time but dropped off the face of the planet to be never heard from again. Many of our LLOTM’s will be people you recognize and always wondered “WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN?”.
With that out of the way, we’re pleased to announce January’s Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month:
THE BROCKTON TRASH ICON.
Take a firm 25 minutes to absorb every bit of raw power that this photo contains. JUST LOOK AT THIS GUY. Yes, it’s a shirtless garbage man with a long hair, pink bandanas on each arm ala The Ultimate Warrior and most importantly, a bad attitude. This warrior of the wind was spotted just a few months ago in the somewhat-dumpy town of Brockton, Massachusetts hanging on the back of a garbage truck.
While brisk Northeast winds blow around that rat’s nest on top of his skull, our Legend prowls the city – tossing old food, dirty diapers, leaky packages and 220 lbs. bags of dog poo into his heavy duty killwagon. As you’ll see in the photos, he handles trash while wearing white, fingerless gloves which pair well with his I-could-give-a-fuck jeans. His skin is worse than an 80 year old Florida woman’s corpse, yet he’s immune to any forms of cancer. Locals call him Heavy-Metal-Melanoma. This guy is like if instead of starting a solo career, David Lee Roth was sent to a post-apocalyptic land of doom to share an apartment with The Toxic Avenger after he and Van Halen parted ways.
The photo came to me from a TNUC disciple named Shawn with a message that read “the most epic trash man”. Goddamn right he is. This is the baddest and nastiest garbage handler on the planet. It’s not that he doesn’t know what decade it is, he just couldn’t care less. Management are too afraid and intimidated to approach him regarding their “company dress code”, but they also can’t lay him off because he’s the best garbage man the city has seen this century. Little kids hold up handmade signs like they’re at a wrestling event when he pulls up to their houses. Every single mom in a 15 mi. radius starts out being afraid of him, threatening to call the cops purely based on his appearance, but weeks later are asking him to stop by on his “lunch break” with packs of Virginia Slims. Life for this Lost Legend really is all about greasin’ the do back and weasin’ on the buff-fest.
Shawn told me that he only caught the elusive trash warrior on the prowl one time, but word on the street is that now he’s wanted by the local sanitation department for riding through white-picket-fenced neighborhoods banging his head and blasting Testament. Again, this is not some old photo dug up from a 1987. It was taken just a few months ago. All of this is happening right now, maybe in YOUR neighborhood.
People, if you see this man, contact Uncle T IMMEDIATELY. If someone can convince him to use a computer for five minutes, have him read this post and let him know how much we respect everything that he represents.
In conclusion, Uncle T would just like to say that even though he for the most part despises movie remakes, can we get someone to remake 1990’s Men At Work? With leading roles by Keith David and our very 1st Lost Legend: The Brockton Trash Icon!
RIDE LIKE THE WIND MIX.
Posted on January 14, 2015 6 Comments
Finally, after a long hiatus, KURT SLOAN returns to the Land of TNUC today with his first mix (more like journey) since Deep Mountain Meditation. Kurt has faced some hard times since the last time we heard from him, which involved him losing some muscle tone and having to take up a custodial job at a local department store. Before you sink into this 40-minute sonic reawakening, we recommend that you read the full backstory:
“When Kurt Sloan awoke in a daze he had somewhat of a revelation. You see, the past few years hadn’t been kind to him but on this particular morning things looked promising. It all started when yet again he found himself lying spread eagle on a floor mattress with nothing but a deer hide blanket covering his loins. There was nothing really atypical about this current state, he had once again woken up naked in the backroom of the New Age Spiritual Shop in the mall.
His routine over the past few days went something like this: he would wrap up his late night janitorial shift at JC Penney by wringing out the dry mop, removing his name tag, splashing some water on his face and then finally heading down to the opposite end of the mall to bang the hippie college chick with the dreads who worked at the New Age Spiritual Shop.
So there he was, lying on his back and rubbing his eyes which were strained and watery, presumably from the air, which still lingered with smells from last night – some kind of cross between tiger balm, sage, and mineral oils. It seemed like all life had left the mall. “What time is it anyway?”, Kurt muttered to himself. He shook his head and tried to hear if anyone was in the front of the store, but the only sound he heard was the trickling of water running over stones from the Zen Garden display. He looked to his left at the familiar portrait of a radiant White Buffalo and the scattered stack of prints behind it depicting things such as canyons, temples and wolves. It was somewhere amidst the colorful array of horoscope calendars, astrology guides, mandalas, tarot cards and incense that Kurt Sloan began to find himself again…
He wriggled into his jeans and stood up with a renewed sense of purpose. He came face to face with a life-size painting of a Native American warrior who looked right into Kurt’s eyes with a piercing and stoic gaze. Wrinkles branched off from the warriors eyes like tributaries on a river, they suggested a great hardship, yet there he stood at the edge of a cliff looking over the plains with wind whipping through his hair. Kurt Sloan tightly clenched his fists, squeezing all his muscles together until he felt them burn with his inner fire.
He walked out of the mall and into the parking lot. He stepped onto his motorcycle, jarred the kickstand free, revved the throttle and rode off. As he drove past the highway sign that read 50 miles to Tucson, the sun was just starting to rise over the horizon. He took off towards the sunrise ready to RIDE LIKE THE WIND.”
*Uncle T cannot express his gratitude enough to Kurt Sloan for blessing our sacred land with this musical offering. When some time can be carved out we urge you to lock yourself in a dark room, strap on a pair of headphones and drift into this musical journey. If you’re sitting there scratching your head, wondering what the hell we’re talking about in this post, you need to visit Kurt’s 1st mix for TNUC from 2012.*
uncletnuc.com 