MARCH’S LOST LEGEND OF THE MONTH: THE UNSOLVED MYSTERIES “UPDATE” THEME.
Posted on March 19, 2015 3 Comments
If there’s one thing our corrupt world can all agree on, it’s that the Unsolved Mysteries theme is the most haunting three minutes of music ever recorded. Almost thirty years after the show’s 1987 debut, I figured I’d be a little desensitized by now — but here I sit still severely creeped out and unable to move. This is also long after classic horror soundtracks have infiltrated my eardrums for decades but still…nothing and I mean nothing can top this devastating theme. If you’re in need of a revisit, do that here — then report back to Uncle T’s immediately.
What people tend to forget is that beyond the intro music was MORE music. Composer Gary Malkin created every bit of sound on the show, including those little cues both during dramatic scenes and after episodes that were just as deadly as the main theme. As a serial killer was lurking around a bus station or a strange species was killing chickens in some poor farmer’s backyard, little shrieks of unnerving synth music would pummel through your TV sets. The sounds were icy, abrasive, trancelike and unforgettable.
If you were an avid Unsolved Mysteries disciple like me, the paramount moment was seeing a red ‘UPDATE’ title flashing on the screen at the end of a segment, which meant you were about to hear a new clue or lead regarding the ‘mystery’ at large. More importantly though, was that this ‘UPDATE’ message was synched up with forty seconds of nauseating synth music which has haunted me since the 1st time I heard it. It was surprising and caught me off guard. Wasn’t this supposed to signify a glimmer of hope in the story? Instead, a brooding blast of eeriness played over the scene, one which I’ve never been able to forget.
Now we have the opportunity to announce March’s Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month, the elusive ‘UPDATE’ theme music from Unsolved Mysteries!
UPDATE!
After the first few seasons of the show they scrapped the music so unless you recorded episodes from TV like a genius, the ‘UPDATE’ theme remained floating in oblivion. Well, after thirty years of exhaustively searching everywhere for evidence of this dark memory of my mind, we finally located the theme by summoning Robert Stack’s corpse and performing a traditional VCR-revival-ritual. I cannot express in words how much of an achievement this is. Turn off all the lights and strap on a pair of headphones:
There it is, just as I remembered it. Those cold, industrial-Terminator synths pound away until a breezy-hypnotic drone sets in, dropping you in an abandoned alley with Robert Stack emerging from the foggy darkness to smother you with his trenchcoat.
We’re lucky to finally have it, but the remainder of music from the show remains a mystery. It’s still massively underrated in the TV & film score world with no apparent attempt at a release ever happening. So how do we get this beast unleashed? I’m ready to get a group of frenzied Unsolved Mysteries fans together with handmade signs, pitchforks, burning torches, cabbage heads and tomatoes to storm the streets until this happens. Revival soundtrack and score labels are hot stuff right now and I just imagine companies like Death Waltz and Waxwork Records putting together a glorious package for this music.
Maybe I’m alone with this thought, but growing up watching this show on the LIFETIME channel in a way added to it’s creepiness. All we knew about the Lifetime network was that it was for bored, stay-at-home Moms. Then the sun went down and a television show about Abductions, Ghosts, Wanted Fugitives, Crop Circles, Fraud, Unexplained Deaths and Missing People came on nightly. Weird.
[Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month is a heartwrenching chronicle of forgotten iconic warriors who were wiped off the face of the planet for some reason or simply never got the chance to “peak” during their short-lived careers. We cherish these individuals and devote an entire month to celebrate their impact on society. To see the rest of em’, go here.]
THUNDER & MUD.
Posted on March 10, 2015 1 Comment
Feast your eyes on this prized piece. That gorgeous cover you can’t stop staring at had me dropping to my knees and begging for mercy in public, with nothing I could do about it. It isn’t every day I come across so many pristine attributes in a single product. Tanned hardbodies, suggested long butts, the guitar, the fistful of mud and bolts of lightning striking down on bolt-on mammaries! This ladies and gentlemen was a sight to behold. My expectations of the actual feature to equal the cover’s high quality were pretty slim. Still, this beast had to be mine. So last weekend I spread out on my rotating waterbed and began to venture down the culture-crossing road of heavy metal and mud wrestling with 1990’s THUNDER & MUD.
“Critically acclaimed filmmaker, Penelope Spheeris brings to the screen this no-holds-barred, heavy metal orgy of sight and sound featuring Playboy centerfold Jessica Hahn. The top stars of female mud wrestling battle it out for their favorite bands in this wall-shaking, eye-popping, erotic assault on the senses. Get ready for an audio-visual experience unequalled in our time.”
Wow. 1st note: What poet wrote this passage of golden literature from the back of the VHS? I’m interested in hiring them to deliver the eulogy at Uncle T’s funeral when he overdoses on quaaludes and Surge someday. 2nd note: Thunder & Mud was directed by Penelope Spheeris. That name should ring a bell as she was responsible for directing Wayne’s World, Black Sheep, The Beverly Hillbillies and The Decline of Western Civilization Parts 1, 2 & 3…
Get your mud flaps on and send the kids to bed!
What develops quickly in Thunder & Mud is a lethal dose of low-IQ entertainment that will blow your mind in a ‘brain turning into molten mush’ type of way. The “plot” involves a lineup of female mud wrestlers in a series of matches to fight for their their chosen band of the night. Those bands are failed late-eighties wanderers Grave Danger, Nuclear Assault, She-Rok, Tuff and Young Gunns. The event is called THUD and begins with a band performing a song followed by a 3-round match. These ladies are also fighting for the “Magnificent Union of Female Fighters” championship (an acronym that just so happens to spell out M.U.F.F.).
The mud wrestling matches pack just enough raunchiness to keep you enthralled for the duration of the fight. Each ravishing bimbo seems genuinely pissed at their opponent by screaming things like “slut”, “bitch” and “carpet-muncher” throughout the match. There’s no question that these ladies can brawl as each of them executes no shortage of hair pulling, body slamming, suplexing, clotheslining, leg dropping and face-to-mud smashing. During one of the final matches a girl twists her opponent into an impressive ball of body parts which had me really thinking she was going to snap completely in half.
She is definitely not your coffee shop, vegan, Macbook-obsessed type of gal.
The spectators watching these distinguished women tear each other apart are probably the peak of excellence in the film. The crowd is a rowdy mix of long haired neanderthals and mud wrestling’s chosen disciples who are easily the horniest audience ever caught on film. They pound Löwenbraüs the entire show while headbanging and losing their minds every time a boob starts to emerge from a mud-drenched bikini top. Single earrings dangle viciously and tongues whip around in perverted gestures. Beer is shaken up and sprayed in the air like the’re toasting to the Gods and Goddesses of mud wrestling afterlife. The roof of the venue is torn off with levels of erupting horniness. In all honesty, their enthusiasm is infectious and would make anyone appreciate an excited crowd, regardless of what they’re cheering for.
To put it respectfully, Thunder & Mud has a lot of heart but ain’t much for brainpower. But did I press the play button on my VCR expecting it to be a 90 minute chess lesson? No. So do yourself and purchase this slice of debauchery if you feel like raising a beer in the air and experiencing a seriously forgotten culture that I’m beginning to think only TNUC cares about.
Backstage positive vibes with the band Tuff and one of nastiest mud wrestlers in the film!
**Hungry for more? Continue the mucky fun all month long with TNUC’s Mud Wrestling Madness!**
MUD WRESTLING MADNESS.
Posted on March 4, 2015 5 Comments
Welcome to TNUC’s 1st ever MUD WRESTLING MADNESS MONTH!
An entire Month dedicated to female mud wrestling? Yes. So if any of your friends start bringing up college basketball “March Madness”, just tell them it doesn’t exist anymore and then point them in this direction.
Let the games begin…
Ah, the lost art of female mud & oil wrestling. Seldom talked about or referenced in pop culture and society, it’s a slice of sports entertainment that deserves to have a comeback. The idea is simple. A slew of beautiful women in bikinis going hog wild in a pit of mud…LIVE right in front of your face. There’s also usually alcohol involved. Oh, AND YOU MIGHT GET THROWN INTO THE RING. Thats right, as seen in one of the only glimpses of mud wrestling in film, in 1981’s Stripes John Candy is persuaded into the ring with a few ladies who “accidentally” fall victim to clothing malfunctions.
Dirty dames calling out men and women in the audience to “enter the pit” was common practice at these establishments. This interactive experience only heightened the appeal of female mud wrestling. To quote a local mud wrestling historian/friend of Uncle T’s, the excitement of this spectator sport comes from a number of different factors. “Firstly, the mud provides a glorious sheen on the bodies of the wrestlers which accentuates their attractiveness. Secondly, the randomness of the fight allows for more unconventional glimpses of the wrestlers’ bodies than in normal striptease. Thirdly, the fight usually results in the accidental, or deliberate, removal of the wrestlers’ bikinis, with the expected rise in audience excitement. Fourthly, there is an obvious pseudo-lesbianism to the wrestling.”
Complete no-brainer, right? So why has mud wrestling been obsolete from society for almost 30 years? What could have possibly gone wrong that made it cease to exist? From 1982 to 1997-ish, only one place in Southern California held the crown as the mecca of female mud wrestling bars:
THE HOLLYWOOD TROPICANA.
This legendary landmark of Los Angeles was on Western Ave in Hollywood right between Sunset Blvd and Santa Monica Blvd. Inside the grey building was a ring in the center of the floor with seating surrounding it and a full bar. There was also a “control room” on the 1st floor where local, leather-clad warriors blasted the latest white-hot metal and disco hits all night long. Here’s one of their classic TV commercials:
The ring itself looked like a giant sandbox, consisting of foam blocks covered with plastic tarp material which was filled with cool, slimy mud. The girls would walk out to their own theme music, do a little dancing, then enter the pool of mud and kneel down to face their opponent. When the fight broke out, The Trop’s MC of the night got spectators pumped up and ready to start bidding on which hellcat they thought would win. At the end of the match the highest bidder got the privilege to wrestle the winning lady for 3 rounds!
The Tropicana had a wide range of clientele but it was LA’s heavy metal titans of the day that really put this little slice of heaven on the map. Vince Neil of Motley Crue was a regular patron and immortalized the place with the line “Tropicana’s where I lost my heart” in the song ‘Girls Girls Girls’. The powerful lyric spoke some truth as Vince actually ended up marrying one of The Trop’s top wrestlers (Sharise Ruddell) after he installed his own mud wrestling pit in his backyard and fell in love.
This place was truly an adventure and experience like no other. Whether you were hosting a friend’s bachelor party or just needing to blow off some steam after a long day at the office, having a cocktail and watching girls tumble around in oily muck was not only your ticket to a night of supreme nastiness but downright therapeutic for the soul. Even the biggest bible-thumping, preppy naysayer would admit that The Trop’ was definitely unique. No other public place could you walk into and legally roll around with bikini-clad babes drenched in mud.
Make no mistake, these babes were indeed wrestlers, just sexy ones that had the power to seduce and make you submit all at once. Recently unearthed video footage of Tropicana’s tanned hardbodies confirms their strength and ferociousness in the ring. Some of them could lift grown men in the air or suplex them and make it look easy. A few of the club’s reigning champs over the years were ‘Red Snapper’, ‘Sweet Savage’, ‘Queen Kong’, ‘Cactus Kelly’, the ‘Norwegian Knockout’, ‘Leona the Male Tamer’ and ‘California Angel’.
Sadly the mecca of mud wrestling bars was shut down in the late 90’s with rumors circulating about liquor license issues. But seriously, it’s OVER? Everything I’ve read about Tropicana seems to always mention the packed crowds the club would get on a nightly basis, yet both the club and the sport of mud wrestling are rarely talked about or mentioned in any context. This current state of society is in dire need of something like this. Tired, old strip clubs and go-go bars can’t be compared to Hollywood Tropicana. This is live entertainment at it’s steamiest, messiest and most fun.
Over the next few weeks Uncle T will be diving into the phenomenon of female mud wrestling, so stay tuned for continuous coverage and breaking news updates. Have you or a loved one been to a female mud wrestling event? Please share these memories with TNUC. We need as much information as possible in hopes of bringing this lost art back to the world of sports entertainment! And why stop at mud and oil when we can fill these pits with jello, condensed milk, chocolate syrup, Easy Cheese and just about any other oozy food or lubricated substance you can imagine. The possibilities are endless.
*Historical data courtesy of www.HollywoodTropicana.net (highly recommended!)*
A LOVE LETTER TO BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO.
Posted on February 25, 2015 10 Comments
Dearest Blockbuster,
On behalf of current society, TNUC would like to apologize for a large majority of us (not Uncle T) who acted like total PRICKS when the announcement came that Blockbuster Video had sadly passed away. The once reigning, defending, undefeated, undisputed champion of video rental stores had closed it’s doors for good and much of what could be heard by former fans/customers was nothing but negative comments and complaints. Instead of thanking Blockbuster for providing countless movie browsing memories, people took to the internet to whine and bitch about their “nightmarish memories” of late fees, customer service and other complete nonsense. It was demented and sad to see people so quick to bash a place that opened our eyes to so many classic and wacky film discoveries.
As for the independent mom-and-pop video outlets, we love em’ too, but Blockbuster was JUST as goddamn magical. Entering under that blue & yellow canopy and walking into an overwhelming movie paradise with racks of videocassettes stacked high and low was something truly special. I remember during one of my initial trips roaming through the ‘Action/Adventure’ genre section and seeing out of the corner of my eye two giant, tanned, almost-naked, oily freaks on the front of a VHS box with the words The Barbarians across the top. I was never the same.
Training Video [1990] – Part 1 / Part 2
Just like so many others, the biggest impact came from the almighty ‘Horror’ aisle. The endless array of VHS covers with monstrous artwork featuring demons, beasts, maniacs with blades, women in terror and neverending nastiness made young imaginations run wild. I remember doing several laps around the store just to walk by these titles for a second and third time before having to choose a movie and go home. In prepubescent TNUC days I attempted renting horror movies but usually changed my mind last minute and rented Beetlejuice for the 9th or 10th time that month.
This letter of love wasn’t meant to bash our current times or make anyone bummed. Uncle T has no problem with movie streaming services and downloads. What we do have a problem with is unfair Blockbuster bashing. To those ungrateful pricks who haven’t let Blockbuster rest in peace: Guess what? Now there’s NO place to walk into and stare at boxes with strange and over the top artwork featuring masked psychopaths, seduced women, kid-friendly talking beasts and exploding-muscled, renegade heroes. There are NO aisles to roam down and get lost under the fluorescent lights and stale popcorn aroma. We know you miss this experience…and if you claim you don’t…YOU WILL.
With loving memories and deepest sympathy, Thank you Blockbuster.
-Uncle TNUC
*If you have fond memories of Blockbuster and can still close your eyes at night and smell that VHS clamshell plastic, share your thoughts below!*
FEBRUARY’S LOST LEGEND OF THE MONTH: VAL VENIS.
Posted on February 18, 2015 3 Comments
How we’ve neglected to induct a professional wrestler into ANY of our monthly countdowns is seriously beyond me. Well disciples, I wholeheartedly apologize and promise that this all changes today. Please give a warm, TNUC welcome to February’s Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month, WWF/WWE’s very own forgotten sleazeball…VAL VENIS! Before reading any further, it’s absolutely imperative that you revisit his classic entrance video:
The drill. The blooming flowers. The purple hard hat. THE HOT DOGS.
I know many of you are saying to yourselves right now – “Val deserved a rightful spot on last year’s Deadbeat-Of-The-Month, shame on you Uncle T”. Since we flat-out forgot he even existed, this sleaze-beast is being placed into the “Lost Legend” category in 2015 because to put it simply, it’s the right thing to do.
Dubbed by most as the “pornstar wrestler”, Val Venis made his WWF debut in 1998, immediately presenting himself as a sex-obsessed lovechild who looked like he just walked off the set of a mid-90’s Skinemax shoot. The only person who could possibly give Val a run for his money with a video this amazing would be Leslie Nielsen and his fornication-explosion montage in Naked Gun 21/2: The Smell of Fear.
The Big Valbowski was introduced to the wrestling universe in a string of promo videos which featured the wrestler either in bed or frolicking in the jungle with real-life pornstar Jenna Jameson. From there on, wrestling fans were treated (or tortured) to Val’s ring entrance which involved him tearing off his tiny white towel and groping himself in front of sold out WWF crowds. Midwest Harley moms went wild for the man, while others were slightly disgusted. However, this was during WWF’s “Attitude” era, a time when Vince McMahon constantly tested people’s limits to gain higher ratings. However people felt about the man, he always got a reaction, which is the #1 objective with all wresting characters and storylines. His skills in the ring were solid, but his backstage sexual exploits were really what put him in the spotlight. Big Val was caught up in a series of affairs and scandals in which he slept with some of wives and girlfriends of WWF wrestlers. Many of these women fell victim to and were helpless against his seductive powers. This lead to a series of brawls and dramatic moments with wrestlers ready to beat the living daylights out of our Lost Legend. This became a recurring story but ultimately peaked with one of the most unforgettable moments in WWF history..
“I choppy, choppy your pee pee.” (actual quote)
On the August 3rd, 1998 edition of “Raw is War”, Val was dragged out of the ring by the Kaientai because he’d slept with wrestler Yamaguchi-San’s wife. They tied him up backstage, unleashed a samurai sword and almost castrated him. Who saved Val from having his Venis severed off? John Wayne Bobbitt himself! He also reported the following week that he was saved by “a little shrinkage” as well.
Sexuality, nudity and castration were themes Val Venis brought to the world of wrestling entertainment and we can’t thank the WWE/WWF for finding such a cool guy. We’re not sure what Val is doing these days, but I fear and assume it’s nothing as triumphant as anything talked about here today. So until further notice, he’ll remain in our minds…a Lost Legend. *I do pray he’s living large off a string of strip clubs he owns in South Florida, riding around in his 87′ Monte Carlo SS in only his white towel which has never been washed, with big plans in 2015 of starting a female mud wrestling league to pack gymnasiums all around the USA in the summer.*
[Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month is a heartwrenching chronicle of forgotten iconic warriors who were wiped off the face of the planet for some reason or simply never got the chance to “peak” during their short-lived careers. We cherish these individuals and devote an entire month to celebrate their impact on society. To see the rest of em’, go here.]
VIDEO LUST.
Posted on February 12, 2015 2 Comments
Sharpen your claws and get ready to descend into an erotic-audio-abyss for the animal in us all with Room8’s VIDEO LUST. February is of course the month of love…and lust. Uncle T reminds us that themes of ‘lust’ aren’t strictly for satisfying only those typical, sex-craved appetites. Often times instead, couples can experience what doctors call VIDEO LUST: moments of romantic obsession for video memories of the past. This could be a simple case of sharing a bottle of Pino Noir on your black satin covered couch while re-watching Cat People (1982). Or setting up that Panasonic Video System Hi-Fi Recorder on your red velvet, rotating waterbed to make a few memories of your own…
Our fellow Los Angeles brethren Room8 aren’t here to smack you over the head with obvious, sexually-desperate tracks but instead pull from a plethora of horror, fantasy and sci-fi soundtracks that work magically together. This mix arrives right on time for Valentine’s Day and should be used to guide you in whatever direction your night takes on the 14th. Even if a quiet evening at home is your plan, we hope this 40-minute selection inspires you to explore the VIDEO LUST genre of your video library or cable network. You know the ones. Everyone knows the best time to catch these films is at 3:00 a.m. when you’re half asleep.
Make no mistake, this mix is no bedtime story. Especially for you younger audiences. We recommend getting your parent’s permission before you browse the exotic aisles of VIDEO LUST. Just kidding. Press play and indulge.
1. Tenebre Main Theme – Goblin (Tenebre)
2. Christine – Ralf Hennings (Christine)
3. StarDancer – Klaus Schulze (Body Love)
4. Love Theme – Giorgio Moroder (Superman III)
5. The End (Disco Version) – Splash Band (Assault On Precinct 13)
6. Patrick Theme – Goblin (Patrick)
7. The Dead Walk – John Harrison (Day of the Dead)
8. Igloos – Greg Hawkes (Anna)
9. The Dukes Arrival – John Carpenter (Escape From NY)
10. Gimme Some Lovin – The Blues Brothers w/ Jake Blues (The Blues Brothers)
11. The Kitchen/The Unicorn Theme Reprise – Tangerine Dream (Legend)
12. The Terminator Theme – Brad Fiedel (Terminator)
13. Jennifer – Goblin (Phenomena)
14. Justice For One Instrumental – John Farnham (Savage Streets)
15. Sequence 8 – Fabio Frizzi (Zombi 2)
16. Charly The Kid – Tangerine Dream (Firestarter)
17. We Don’t Need Another Hero – Tina turner (Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome)
18. Love Theme From Thief of Hearts – Harold Faltemeyer (Thief Of Hearts)
19. Let’s Spawn – Michael Perilstein (The Deadly Spawn)
20. Titles – Vangelis (Chariots Of Fire)
21. StarDancer – Klaus Schulze (Body Love)
22. Desert Drive – Tangerine Dream (Wavelength)
23. Starman Leaves – Jack Nitzsche (Starman)
– – –
From the creators:
“There are two musical focuses for ROOM8’s studio work. One is our electronic pop songwriting and Collabs with other artists and the other is our love of film and soundtracks. We love and are inspired by many of the synth soundtracks of the past and we are influenced by them in our work. To this end we bring you, Video Lust. A mix we created digging through vinyl with our friend, Herschel Gaer. We hope it inspires filmic daydreams and night fantasies for you all.”
Ezra and Nic,
ROOM8
uncletnuc.com 