FEBRUARY’S LOST LEGEND OF THE MONTH: VAL VENIS.

val-venis

How we’ve neglected to induct a professional wrestler into ANY of our monthly countdowns is seriously beyond me. Well disciples, I wholeheartedly apologize and promise that this all changes today. Please give a warm, TNUC welcome to February’s Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month, WWF/WWE’s very own forgotten sleazeball…VAL VENIS! Before reading any further, it’s absolutely imperative that you revisit his classic entrance video:


The drill. The blooming flowers. The purple hard hat. THE HOT DOGS.

I know many of you are saying to yourselves right now – “Val deserved a rightful spot on last year’s Deadbeat-Of-The-Month, shame on you Uncle T”. Since we flat-out forgot he even existed, this sleaze-beast is being placed into the “Lost Legend” category in 2015 because to put it simply, it’s the right thing to do.

Dubbed by most as the “pornstar wrestler”, Val Venis made his WWF debut in 1998, immediately presenting himself as a sex-obsessed lovechild who looked like he just walked off the set of a mid-90’s Skinemax shoot. The only person who could possibly give Val a run for his money with a video this amazing would be Leslie Nielsen and his fornication-explosion montage in Naked Gun 21/2: The Smell of Fear.

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The Big Valbowski was introduced to the wrestling universe in a string of promo videos which featured the wrestler either in bed or frolicking in the jungle with real-life pornstar Jenna Jameson. From there on, wrestling fans were treated (or tortured) to Val’s ring entrance which involved him tearing off his tiny white towel and groping himself in front of sold out WWF crowds. Midwest Harley moms went wild for the man, while others were slightly disgusted. However, this was during WWF’s “Attitude” era, a time when Vince McMahon constantly tested people’s limits to gain higher ratings. However people felt about the man, he always got a reaction, which is the #1 objective with all wresting characters and storylines. His skills in the ring were solid, but his backstage sexual exploits were really what put him in the spotlight. Big Val was caught up in a series of affairs and scandals in which he slept with some of wives and girlfriends of WWF wrestlers. Many of these women fell victim to and were helpless against his seductive powers. This lead to a series of brawls and dramatic moments with wrestlers ready to beat the living daylights out of our Lost Legend. This became a recurring story but ultimately peaked with one of the most unforgettable moments in WWF history..

tumblr_m86vc97KLh1roeel4o1_500“I choppy, choppy your pee pee.” (actual quote)

On the August 3rd, 1998 edition of “Raw is War”, Val was dragged out of the ring by the Kaientai because he’d slept with wrestler Yamaguchi-San’s wife. They tied him up backstage, unleashed a samurai sword and almost castrated him. Who saved Val from having his Venis severed off? John Wayne Bobbitt himself! He also reported the following week that he was saved by “a little shrinkage” as well.

Sexuality, nudity and castration were themes Val Venis brought to the world of wrestling entertainment and we can’t thank the WWE/WWF for finding such a cool guy. We’re not sure what Val is doing these days, but I fear and assume it’s nothing as triumphant as anything talked about here today. So until further notice, he’ll remain in our minds…a Lost Legend. *I do pray he’s living large off a string of strip clubs he owns in South Florida, riding around in his 87′ Monte Carlo SS in only his white towel which has never been washed, with big plans in 2015 of starting a female mud wrestling league to pack gymnasiums all around the USA in the summer.*

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[Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month is a heartwrenching chronicle of forgotten iconic warriors who were wiped off the face of the planet for some reason or simply never got the chance to “peak” during their short-lived careers. We cherish these individuals and devote an entire month to celebrate their impact on society. To see the rest of em’, go here.]

3 Comments on “FEBRUARY’S LOST LEGEND OF THE MONTH: VAL VENIS.

  1. Great character but not a patch on “Ravishing” Rick Rude. There’s only one man in the world who could turn up on the Arsenio Hall show in a tiger print velour tracksuit and Rick Rude was that man.

  2. Man that intro video brings back so many memories, almost forgot about him, but he was hilarious and his schtick was amazing. Probably one of my favorites from that time.

  3. The Big Valboski is now currently running a legal marijuana dispensary in (I believe) Colorado.

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