APRIL’S LOCAL HOT SPOT OF THE MONTH: BIG KAY’S BURGERS.
Posted on April 7, 2016 6 Comments
Smell that smell?
Spring is almost here, which means TNUC’s afternoon burger lust is growing more rabid as the days get warmer. Pretty soon that whiff of cooked onions, melted cheese and charbroiled burgers will fill the air and we’ll start to lose our minds. Then some heavyset greaseball named Donny will lift a massive crate of french fries out from the fryer and Uncle T won’t be able to resist the tower of temptation. As the season approaches, nothing beats chomping down on a fat cheeseburger and molten hot fries. Especially washed down with an ice cold Pepsi or beer. That’s the stuff.
But wait…
Burnt rubber, smoke, fog juice and various automotive fluids suddenly stings your nostrils. A fleet of sports cars (mostly Dodge models) come screeching into the parking lot. Ah shit, it’s that bastard child Packard Walsh and his gang of motorhead inbreeds!
You know where you are. Step inside April’s Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month, the one and only Big Kay’s Burgers!
Nestled in the hot desert somewhere off Lookout Mountain Road was the infamous burger joint known as Big Kay’s. Driving down the dusty highway and seeing the first glimpse of this place made it seem like a mirage, except Big Kay’s was no illusion. An oasis of hot burgs’ and hot babes awaited your arrival.
Some people thought that resident cook Billy was a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie, which is both dumb and bogus. The guy ran the joint and only hired cute chicks, duh.
Suddenly in the middle of the desert the UFO shaped building would come into focus, followed in the distance by the humming of some AOR melodic rock like La Marca’s ‘Hold on Blue Eyes’ playing loudly on a car stereo.
Pull into a parking spot and wait to be greeted by rollerskating waitresses in Big Kay’s tank-tops and miniskirts. One attribute which remained a standard at this place was the nonstop real-life montage happening from noon to night. Being at Big Kay’s was the closest you’ll get to living in a fully functional movie montage. People danced. Girls skated around your car. Guys snapped their fingers and tipped their sunglasses every couple minutes.
In the excruciatingly hot kitchen Billy slung burgers and chili dogs. He’d toss patties over his shoulder, sending them splatting to the grill. Pickles flew through the air. Streams of ketchup and mustard were shooting to the ceiling. Hot weiners flopped into toasty buns. It looked like an episode of Super Sloppy Double Dare. With all the chaos he still managed to get everyone’s orders correct, even bully Packard Walsh’s special order (extra mayo and thousand island), just the way he likes ’em.
On certain nights an eerie mist surrounded Big Kay’s which was unexplainable until a Turbo Interceptor showed up in town and started killing off all of Packard’s goons. No one complained because Packard was a huge asshole, especially to Big Kay’s “Babe of the Century”, the dreamy Keri.
Behold, the Turbo Interceptor (the only one in existence)…
Word to the wise for those of you making the drive to Big Kays: don’t pull up in your momma’s Volvo or fat-ass minivan. If you’re desperate, have her drop you off at least 1/2 a mile away down the street and walk the rest of the way. Trust Uncle T.
♥ ♥ ♥
On behalf of all the fans of this movie, TNUC would like to wish a Happy 30th Anniversary to THE WRAITH which celebrates it’s big birthday later this year.
[Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month is a adrenaline-thrusting history lesson and celebration of signature hangout spots one might recognize from television, film or real life. Our objective is to not just rediscover and dissect these places, but more importantly create a feeling like you’re really there. Take your time with these entries. Hang out. Turn some music on.
To visit the rest of ’em, go here.]
WOMEN, LEATHER & HELL.
Posted on March 31, 2016 4 Comments
Earlier this month was “National Women’s Day” on March 8th.
What that actually means, I have no idea. All we do know is that Joel Grind of heavy metal mutants Toxic Holocaust put together a mixtape of obscure female fronted metal bands, naturally in honor of Women’s Day.
The mix is called “Women, Leather & Hell” and you can download it here. Prepare your ears for a musical onslaught lead by twenty-one barbaric betties, savage nomad long-butts and voluptuous vixens.
To accompany this listening experience and for your viewing pleasure, below is a sneak peek at TNUC’s private security team who guard Castle TNUC when he leaves for Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale every year. Say hello to the gals.
Tracklist:
01 Black Knight – Warlord’s Wrath
02 Revenge – Evil
03 Ready to Wear – Guardian Angel
04 Inner Rage – Metal Overload
05 Orphan Allies – In The Night
06 Sleek – British Bikes
07 Carrie – The Assassin
08 Robyn Danger – Scream Your Lungs Out
09 Slak Alice – Blow Out
10 Heather Leather – We Came To Destroy
11 Azuzena – Super Star
12 Rough – Nightmare
13 Leathur Panteez – Guttered
14 Black Ghost – Heavy Metal Angel
15 Jaded Lady – On The Run
16 Satanic Rites – Slam The Door
17 Sudden Impact – Poisioned Minds
18 Blacksmith – Louder Than Hell
19 D.C. Lacroix – Crack Of Doom
20 Deathslayer – Raven’s Nest
21 Spotlight – Speedway
COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Posted on March 24, 2016 Leave a Comment
If the bums at MTV finally allow TNUC to program his ManimalTV music video block someday, you better believe we’ll be fine tuning everything to fit the TNUC attitude and way of life. To this day we’ve written them hundreds of letters with carefully executed plans of how to make their channel relevant again to music or anything cool for that matter.
Let us avoid the tired discussion about how bad current MTV is and instead cut right to the chase…
If or when they let TNUC take the reins, prepare for 100% programming dominance. Even when it comes time for commercial breaks, we’ll settle for nothing but the best. Infectious jingles! Wild wardrobes! Dance montages! Celebrity endorsements! Just the way it should be. Bands and companies will be encouraged to submit their own commercials exclusive to ManimalTV, top notch material viewers will only see on our channel.
Now let’s examine a few prime examples of what level of promotional material we’re looking for…
Flair Family Hair Care (feat. Nasty Savage!)
Nasty Savage were a death metal band from Brandon, Florida who made a name for themselves partly due to their over the top stage show, which had things going on like the lead singer smashing TV sets over his head. As intense as their stage antics were, nothing compares to the intensity of this local hair salon commercial featuring these wild stallions filing out of a limo to go get haircuts! You’ll need to watch it 5 more times to be sure you’ve absorbed everything…because there’s A LOT.
I love that they’re getting dropped off at a mall’s hair salon in a limousine by a driver wearing white gloves and a bowtie. “It’s mysterious, it’s incredible, it’s bizarre!”…the build up at the beginning suggests they’re about to enter a steel cage match for a no holds barred, heavy metal assault. Nope, just getting the crusty mops trimmed!
Budweiser (feat. Ronnie James Dio!)
No, you’re not dreaming. Ronnie James Dio slayed the fuck out of a commercial for Budweiser back in 1983. This reworking of the Dio classic “Rainbow in the Dark” is absolutely real and from what we have gathered was played by radio stations for a brief time. It’s still uncertain if a video was actually shot – but if it was – here’s hoping it features the pint sized metal God riding a tiger through the liquor store while singing the song and punching dragons.
Pat’s Chili Dogs (feat. Cinderella!)
Hair-metal-hot-dogs! Long before Cinderella would end up selling 15 million albums worldwide, they were just a pack of struggling rats from the Philadelphia suburbs. Hungry for success. Hungry for fame. Hungry for hot dogs?
Vocalist Tom Kiefer explains in a 2014 interview that a local proprietor in Philly who owned a chili dog stand saw Cinderella in a club and liked them. So he approached the band to film a rock n’ roll commercial for his 24 hour chili dog hangout. When he told them he was buying local advertising on MTV, they were all in. As far as Cinderella were concerned, this was getting on MTV. They shot the video and were able to eat chili dogs for free, anytime they pleased.
Fun Fact: One of the band members was a vegetarian and you can see there’s nothing in his bun at he chomps into it at :24!
Pat’s Dogs, the cook is never tired!
Pat’s Dogs, the steam is always fired!
Two locations, rockin’ all night
MacDade or Lester, come and have a bite at…
Pat’s Dogs, Pat’s Chili Dogs!
Pat’s Dogs, Pat’s Chili Dogs!
MARCH’S LOCAL HOT SPOT OF THE MONTH: BLADES ICE SKATING RINK.
Posted on March 16, 2016 2 Comments
Before we divulge any information as to why a random ice skating rink from the movie Encino Man was chosen for March’s Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month, you really need to read the following real life story…
It all happened on a late Saturday afternoon. Uncle T pushed his 1990 Honda XR80 out of his garage, hopped on, kicked down on the starter and peeled away to ride the dunes like an amped up gorilla. He loved riding over the dusty dunes and through the canyons, especially this time of day as his hair blew around and trenchcoat flapped in the wind. The late afternoon sun was casting a picturesque silhouette of him and his bike against the rock boulders and cacti plants. “Wow, I look like something right out of the TV show Renegade” he actually said out loud to himself. He begun to get very carried away with this feeling, riding recklessly while head-banging and not paying attention to the trail. Suddenly an armadillo crossed in front of his tire and he spun out of control, crashing head first into a scorpion’s nest. This would be the last thing he remembered until waking up at a mini-mart with a weird naked Indian passing him the biggest frozen bubble gum Slush Puppie known to man.
It is believed that one of the desert natives had found him passed out on the rock and brought him into town on horseback. He’d somehow known to drop TNUC at his favorite local mini-mart and bought him his beloved Slush Puppie to help nurse him back to life.
Uncle T’s vision was blurry when he came to, and the weird naked Indian was already getting back on his horse to gallop away. All he could make out at the moment was a deeply tanned individual in a loin cloth with crusty hair. Several minutes later his vision returned and he reached into his pocket to find a crumbled piece of paper. He opened it up and saw this:
(click to enlarge)
That was no weird naked Indian! Could that really have been the primitive savage cavedude LINKOVICH CHOMOFSKY?! But what was he doing in the desert…and on horseback? Whatever the case, he obviously gave TNUC this exceedingly rare flyer from Blades hockey rink for a reason.
It left TNUC no choice. Without further ado, we’re excited to announce March’s Local-Hot-Spot-Of-The-Month: B L A D E S!
As witnessed in the 1992 motion picture epic Encino Man, this was not just any indoor hockey rink. Walking into Blades under the pink and blue-lit entrance was every fully buff teen weasel’s dream. If you were a delinquent or dropout of Encino High who pined for a life of greasin’ the do back and weasin’ on the buffest, you wouldn’t dare miss a Friday night at Blades.
Aside from the obvious attraction of the ice rink, inside Blades was a wealth of killer tunes playing on the PA system, a video arcade, food similar to a bowling alley (fries, pizza, potato skins, meatball sandwiches) and most crucially…”Betties” galore!
Betty (attractive woman)
+ Nugs (breasts)
= Betty Nuggs (A woman with large breasts. Big jugs = big nugs.)
Above, the new exchange student from Estonia paints his long-lost cave nug on the rink glass with ketchup and mustard.
Sega’s Rad Mobile was one of the hottest games found in the arcade. First released in arcades in 1991, Rad Mobile has the player engage in a non-stop road race across the USA while avoiding traffic and police cars under the time limit. The car is a Ferrari 330 P4 type prototype racing against computer generic cars. During some of the courses the player can activate different controls, which include headlights for night driving and windshield wipers during rainstorms. If the player does not activate these controls when prompted, effects such as a restricted view of the road or a wet windshield will occur. (Thanks Wikipedia.)
As bodacious as Blades was, the place also had its fair share of jock douchebags running about. Take for instance, Matt Wilson and his goons who go there to play hockey and mess with guys who have shitty self-esteem like Dave Morgan. It would take a real unique weasel to step up to Wilson and it finally happened when a high school caveman who was recently dug up in a backyard walked up to him on the ice and took a few punches from Wilson like he was waving a feather duster in his face.
Blades was truly a special hot-spot. My goal now is to fix my dirt bike and get back to the dunes in search of Link. If he’s really out there, chances are that he didn’t adjust to society too well after Dave and Stoney fled away to college. Who knows, maybe TNUC will co-invest in opening an all-new Blades skating rink for all the nugs in town.
Thanks for reading about this month’s Local-Hot-Spot! Be sure to catch the rest of ’em over at this location.
JOBBER TAKEOVER.
Posted on March 9, 2016 2 Comments
In the wake of last week’s quest to locate one of WWE’s most elusive wrestler jobbers, L.A. Gore, we figured now would also be a good time to highlight some of the greatest losery jobbers WWF and the now defunct WCW flung at us over the past few decades.
Again, “jobbers” to those of you unfamiliar with the term doesn’t necessarily mean they lost matches because of their lack of ability as a wrestler. Most jobbers were meant to lose on purpose, to either help with the story-line, make their opponent look better, or both. As you’ll see below, some of these guys were hired by these companies purely based on them looking like a convincing deadbeat.
Our jobber list doesn’t go detail of what these forgotten wrestlers actually accomplished. Instead, we hand selected the nastiest looking greaseballs known to enter a wrestling ring.
Crappy names, shitty gimmicks, dull presence, complete silence from the crowd…it’s all here! Click images to expand.
I’m pressed for time, so I apologize for not providing insight on these elusive weirdos and nobodies. Who knows, maybe one day we’ll do a monthly feature (complete with their long-lost entrance music!)
***Last year TNUC’s 1st ever MUD WRESTLING MARCH MADNESS MONTH actually happened. Yes, an entire month dedicated to the lost art of female mud wrestling. So if this post got you excited, just wait ’till you revisit those oil & mud ladies from the Hollywood Tropicana!***
UNSOLVED MYSTERIES: L.A. GORE.
Posted on March 3, 2016 9 Comments
In this edition of TNUC’s Unsolved Mysteries, we’re sinking to the bottom of the WWF barrel to hopefully piece together what little historical information we have about a professional wrestler named L.A. GORE to try and make sense of this forgotten jobber’s legacy.
Real Name: Unknown
Weight: 288 lbs.
Professional Wrestling Debut: 1991 for World Championship Wrestling (WCW)
Total Matches in the WWF: 6
Outcome: Lost every match
First Televised Match: 3/15/93, Typhoon defeats L.A. Gore on Monday Night Raw
Life After WWF: Unknown
Current Whereabouts: Unknown
L.A. Gore was one of the best “wrestling jobbers” to ever cross the ropes. For those of you too cool for wrestling, “jobber” is the disrespectful term in the wrestling business for a wrestler who routinely loses matches. It comes from the slang word “job” which means purposely losing a performance in the ring to assist with a story line. An essential component of the wrestling entertainment world.
There are literally hundreds of jobbers in professional wrestling, so why focus on this meaty neanderbeast? #1. The name. If the title L.A. Gore popped up during the previews of my Michael Dudikoff Cannon Films VHS box set, I wouldn’t blink an eye. The name screams early ’90s dull action movie or low budget horror flick. Many people believe his name is a play on Al Gore (reversing the two first letters), hinting at WWF mastermind Vince McMahon’s “political edge” during those years. However after a bit internet lurking, I discovered that L.A. Gore competed under this name as far back as 1991, and for a completely different company (WCW). This would have been five whole years before he joined the WWF. Furthermore, Al Gore wasn’t nominated as the democratic nominee for Vice President until July of ’92. Al was merely a senator at the time this sweaty buff pumper entered the professional wrestling business and I have a hard time believing that he adopted the L.A. Gore character after some lousy politician. I mean…look at this guy. Doesn’t add up.
#2. The look. I’m a huge fan of the beer-guzzler, cheeseburger-destroyer body types of yesteryear’s wrestlers. Guys with Dad-bods like Jake the Snake, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Mick Foley, Dusty Rhodes and The Godfather possessed superior strength without giving a damn about looking good. Absolutely NOT working out everyday to strive for that chiseled, Michelangelo appearance. Just strong, able to beat people up, execute the moves and leave the ring hightailing for a beer and sausage & peppers sandwich.
L.A. Gore certainly fits in this category, although he probably took it too far with that bloated beer gut and the fact that he lost every match he ever had in the WWF. Still though, it’s fun seeing a guy enter the ring who looks like he just polished off 17 Budweisers and had to be dragged from the bar to the arena. He even had that “WHY AM I HERE?” look on his face during matches.
#3. The mystique. It’s all speculation as to what happened to L.A. Gore. What he’d be doing in 2016 is even more of a brain-melter. Driving a school bus? Dealing bottom rate cocaine at the VFW? Working security at Filene’s Basement? Sharing a studio apartment with Malibu from American Gladiators? Taking long rides up the coast in his ’88 Monte Carlo SS, smoking endless cigarettes, windows down, heat on full blast, with Dokken’s ‘Alone Again’ on repeat? Just WHO are you L.A. Gore and more importantly WHERE are you???
This is 1,000% his unregistered vehicle:
Below, watch Mr. Perfect deliver brutal chops to our friend in their match on the June 4th, 1993 episode of WWF’s Monday Night Raw.
::Robert Stack voice:: IF YOU, have any information about this case, please leave a comment in the comment section. You need not give your name, but remember, for every mystery, there is someone, somewhere, who knows the truth. Perhaps that someone is watching. Perhaps that someone…is YOU.
Be sure to catch our previous Unsolved Mysteries installments:
[Vol. 1] The Pizza Hut Red-Roof Delivery Truck
[Vol 2] Julius Benedict’s Mysterious Island
uncletnuc.com 