MYSTERY MEAT MIX 4: FOWL PLAY.
After last year’s “incident” that we’re not allowed to talk about, especially around the elderly family members who get really bent out of shape when it’s mentioned, Uncle T was banished from all family gatherings. I can’t get into specifics on exactly what happened but let’s just say the joyful family gettogether around the dinner table ended with an empty bottle of Wild Turkey, his brother’s front yard bushes on fire, Jell-O belly-slides and a literal reenactment of Kevin McCallister sledding down the stairs and crashing through the front door. The youngsters had the time of their lives watching the debauchery unfold…a memory they’ll cherish forever. The older folks looked on with sheer terror.
His heart was in the right place but at the end of the day, his heart is bigger than his brain.
After that year, the phone stopped ringing. Then the interventions and restraining orders came next. Finally, when he’d show up to Thanksgiving dinner at his older and very conservative brother’s house, the lights would turn off but he could smell the aroma of a fresh roasted turkey and indoor cigarettes. Heartbroken and enraged, Uncle T spent the next several Thanksgivings shunned and treated like a Jehovah Witness wherever he would show up. He was forced to spend his favorite day of the year at VFW halls and half-empty meat raffle banquets. All he wished for was a wholesome holiday spread of glistening turkey, candied yams, broccoli puff, crescent rolls, ambrosia salad, Aunt Bethany’s cat food casserole, cranberry sauce, seventeen pounds of mashed potatoes and a twinkle in the eye of Grandmother TNUC.
That’s right. Granny TNUC always had his back, even in the lowest of times. She even came to his aid when he was arrested for mopery in the fall of ’84. If we had to make a comparison, Granny T is the spitting image and personality of “Grandma Arbuckle” from Garfield.
With a heart of gold and a recipe book that would make so called “top chefs” of today drop to their knees and beg for buttermilk, the old woman is a masterclass in everything she does. Her eyesight might not be what it was and she’s insistent on keeping “the old cruise control” set at 35 mph on the expressway, but we let it slide. Most importantly, she always sticks up for her grandson, Uncle T.
When the old bird found out how the family were neglecting him on this blessed holiday, she skipped going to Sunday mass (never happens) and hopped in her Buick to go pay a visit to the relatives. Legend has it that Granny erupted in such a rage that the foundation of the house actually shook. “I’m so angry I could spit!” She even ripped the the tennis balls from the bottom of her walker and threw them right at cousin Denny’s head. She also didn’t take her laxative medicine that day.
Before Granny T left the house, she pulled a cassette out of her purse and tossed it on the kitchen table. In crude pencil on the cover it read MYSTERY MEAT MIX 4: FOWL PLAY. “This is what your thoughtful Uncle made and wanted you people to hear. Now live with that.” She lit up a Virginia Slim cigarette and stormed out of the house.
We hope you enjoy our 4th entry in TNUC’s ‘Mystery Meat’ series. The only Thanksgiving mixtapes on earth! As usual, these are best listened to on the road or surrounded by family, friends and food. Please share it with as many people as humanly possible…even grandma!
Want all (4) Mystery Meat Mixtapes in high-quality download?
Send $20 via PayPal uncletnuc@gmail.com
(I’ve started to sell downloads because these mixtapes always cost Uncle T a few bucks and they are time consuming. Support TNUC and I’ll keep making them for all eternity. Happy Holidays!)
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Sat on this for a bit cuz I wanted to wait until Thanksgiving DAy to read/listen to it, but it’s 2 days prior and I can’t help myself (no pun intended) lol. Thanks as always Unc!!