In the wake of the Halloween season, those first few days are normally spent wandering around aimlessly, putting all the rubber bats in storage and eating the remains of the fun-sized Twizzlers. Even the burliest boogeyman in the world can find it a little rough trying to grasp with the transition of going from 31 days+ of celebrating a single holiday to everything coming to a screeching halt. When you’re an avid Halloween disciple, those nonstop spooky times ending so abruptly can be a harrowing slap to the soul. But as the weeks progress, pumpkin-everything turns into cranberry-everything and a realization pummels me in the face that we need to be thanking and praising SO many things in the Land of TNUC.
Tender hearts, tender meat and tender thighs! In the spirit of Thanksgiving, here are (6) slightly overlooked or not appreciated enough slices of life that we’re thankful for and that should never be taken for granted.
WET T-SHIRT CONTESTS!
Ah, the almighty wet t-shirt contest. Whoever invented this pure artform deserves a medal of honor. Jiggling boobs in drenched t-shirts get rated and judged based on distinctive qualities such as bounce, sway, nipple sensitivity and sheer explosiveness. While a panel of nail-biting, lip-quivering judges do their best to rate these female superstars, a packed audience drink sudsy beer and stare in awe. Here at the Land of TNUC, we’ve spent oodles of time talking about similar exhibition competitions like female mud wrestling and spring break madness, but never wet t-shirt contests. So what gives? All I can say is…that is about to change. Check out the above clip from 1984′ s Hot Dog: The Movie which features the aftermath of a wet t-shirt contest at a local bar filled with ski bunnies and mustached locals. (Don’t forget to turn up the volume. The house band ROCKS.)
We don’t talk about Michael Dudikoff enough. The entire goddamned world doesn’t talk about Michael Dudikoff enough. The star of countless Cannon Films movies was poised to be the next Chuck Norris or Van Damme. Of course that didn’t happen, but that doesn’t mean his action movies don’t completely annihilate. Do yourself a favor and seek out American Ninja, American Ninja 2: The Confrontation, Avenging Force, Platoon Leader or River of Death to find out what we’re talking about. Dudikoff has a particular style unmatched by others. I’ll never forget finding out that the curly-haired blonde guy partying with hookers, cocaine, a donkey and Tom Hanks in Bachelor Party was this mega b-movie action hero. Thank you Michael.
Allow me to clear the air before proceeding. Calling these “Deadbeat Beers” is in NO WAY a slam to these fine beer companies. Actually quite the opposite. In a world of craft brew, double-IPA, imperial stout, oak aged, snobby-bearded bullshit, the vast array of deadbeat beers you can pick up for $11/30-pack are a breath of fresh air. Sure, some of them may taste like snake piss or as if they were brewed in a prison tube sock, but bring these to a parking lot with some friends before a concert and get ready for a good time. There’s a reason why the majority of them are so ancient and have stood the test of time. It’s quantity not quality with these heavy hitters. Don’t be ashamed about walking out of the mini-mart with a case of Stroh’s under your arm. Your grumpy, Korean War vet, late grandfather is looking down on you with a smile. Thank you deadbeat beers.
The hair. The legs. The cars. There can only be one…Tawny Sex Panther Kitaen. Our beloved babe was already on the right track way early in life as she dated Ratt guitarist Robbin Crosby during and after high school! From that day forward her career soared with legendary appearances in (4) Whitesnake videos which are timeless classics of the MTV era. (My personal favorite: “Is This Love”). Tantalizing Tawny also co-starred in Bachelor Party and was the star of the horror classic, Witchboard. She cruised through the decade engaging in famous relationships with David Coverdale, Tommy Lee and O.J. Simpson just to name a few, although not one of those studs could match the late-great Robbin Crosby. Thank you Tawny.
We spend a great deal of time referencing the extinct drug known as the Quaalude (Methaqualone). Now it’s time to come clean. Uncle T has never in his life taken the elusive Lude but from the war stories I’ve been told, they are surely missed. Nicknamed “disco biscuits”, this premiere party drug peaked in the 1970s as a hypnotic, treatment for insomnia, muscle relaxant and sedative. Popular figures like Tommy Chong, members of Mötley Crüe and Jimmy Page were massive supporters of the Lude. The drug was discontinued in 1985 for recreational use and addictiveness. Thank you Quaaludes.
“The Maestro”, “Bach of Rock”, “Guitar God”, “Master of the Stratocaster”. The only thing Yngwie Malmsteen has more of besides self-proclaimed titles is his fleet of Ferraris (he currently owns five). There’s no doubting the Swedish guitar player is one of the best of all time. His neoclassical metal shredding style has put him in the upper echelon of guitarists, and BOY does he know it. His ego has got him in some serious trouble over the years, which everyone should do a little research about. Doesn’t matter to Uncle T. We love the guy. If you’re going to start with any Yngwie album, TNUC strongly recommends Trilogy from 1986. Pure technical power that will bring to mind dragons, fire, medieval long-butts and salon-quality hair. Thank you Mr. Malmsteen.
Here’s a photo of Yngwie pulling into a Boston Market in his Ferrari, shirtless with a backwards ballcap and dangly cross earring.
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