Think of all the great food fights we’ve witnessed in movies and television. Now search within yourself and ask, what’s the all-time best? Animal House, Hook, Valley Girl, Little Darlings, Family Matters, Full House…the list goes on!
For TNUC the choice is clear. Nothing tops Junior and Trixie’s pizza parlor food fight in the motion picture masterpiece, Problem Child 2.
My favorite food fights are the ones involving fake and exaggerated versions of real food. Take for instance the slimy pizza in this scene. Has pizza ever been this oozy and sticky-icky? The chef must have run out of real cheese and figured anyone eating at Pizzarific won’t notice if he slides some Ghostbusters’ ectoplazm onto the pizza pies. But hey, who cares! I’d host the TNUC pizza party every year at this place if it meant drippy pizza food battles and Junior Fucking Healy.
***UPDATE: Immediately after writing this paragraph, I watched this behind-the-scenes video with Michael Oliver (Junior) confirming that the pizza slime was in fact the same stuff they used in Ghostbusters. WHOA!***
Of course in real life, our annual summertime food fights at Camp TNUC are the most fun. One afternoon in July is set aside to completely destroy the cafeteria in a sloppy explosion of hurling meatballs, squirting ketchup, flyin’ pickles, launchin’ Lunchables, raining mustard, mayonnaise assault, catapulting mashed potatoes, Kool-Aid baths, flinging noodles, burger battles and pie wars. 100% PURE ADRENALINE.
On a related note, the debut of Nickelodeon’s Double Dare did wonders for food fight disciples like Uncle T. It wasn’t exactly a “fight” but it still felt like a culmination of every great food explosion scene balled into one — plus trivia, prizes and Mark ‘Slaughterhouse’ Summers.
Just when I finished scouring God’s green earth, coming to terms with the harsh reality that every great food battle had been fought and seen already on television, a vision came to me while I was floating around on the 10 foot alligator raft in the TNUC grotto, drinking a frothy Löwenbrau. As I drifted off to sleep, the vision of two powerful worlds collided: food fights + women’s mud wrestling.
The next morning I received something at my doorstep. Something big. Something mega. Something copious. Something cajunga…
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? No need to pinch yourself because this was no dream. It’s 1987’s FOXY FOOD FIGHT!
After all the TNUC research on women’s mud & oil wrestling (we spent a month doing this in 2015), you’d think something like Foxy Food Fight would’ve come across our radar. Instead, this VHS tape was a blessing that arrived out of the clear blue sky.
Shot at the world famous Whiskey a Go Go on the Sunset Strip, this 60 minute fabulous feast stars a group of America’s most luscious ladies “with bodies sculptured by every sexual fantasy ever bestowed on womankind” battling it out on a mat in a three round/three coarse meal. Watch as these finely toned vixens start body slamming each other on beds of salad, spaghetti with red sauce and finally dessert…whipped cream and cherries. You’ll never look at food the same way again!
Just like watching one of those old mud wrestling videos, you need to be constantly on the lookout for familiar faces both in the ring and audience. Sure enough, not one but two girls from the 1984 comedy classic Hardbodies came into focus on the TNUC long-butt radar! The ring girl holding up cards between rounds is actress Kristi Somers who played the sexy, spirited blonde in the movie (the one who the old cowboy dude in the movie couldn’t keep up with). The second was actress Teal Roberts, one of the last dynamic damsels to enter the ring, who in Hardbodies played the girlfriend of main character Scotty!
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Whether food fights go down in the cafeteria or mall food court, most people leap at the opportunity to hurl sloppy shit around at their friends or foes. The one food fight that comes to mind for me personally was at a Chuck E. Cheese’s birthday party in early ’90s. We annihilated that place in more ways than one. Put it this way, when you invite the entire 3rd grade class to a place dedicated to pizza, cake, games and animatronic animals, you’ve created a monster.
Do YOU have food fight memories? Share them in the comment section!
Yes!!! This is write-up was waiting to be written. And you wrote it brilliantly, I might add. Everyone loves cafeteria or mall food fights! I have yet to watch, FOXY’S FOOD FIGHT, but you better believe it that I added to my, 80’s Movie Playlist. I’m going to watch it this weekend with a personal pan Pizza Hut pie and tons of cheap booze. I may watch it in slow-mo, to witness all the bouncing mega-hooters in all there glory.
Haha slo-mo hooter vision is an absolute must. Thanks Marko…..I was starting to wonder if anyone have a flying fuck about food fights.
I’m going to watch Problem Child 1 & 2 tonight because they’re on HBO GO, lol.
These movies are even somehow more hilarious watching them now as an adult
No worries, Uncle T. Your blog is my homepage when I open up Firefox, haha. Hands down the best blog on the Internet to find hidden gems and write-ups about nothing but the best decade in human-kind, the 80’s.