MOTLEY CRUISE TO NOWHERE.
Ahoy matey’s, disciples, spring breakers, seasoned sailors and couch potatoes! It’s time to climb aboard and join yer’ #1 Uncle (TNUC) as he says bon voyage to this barren land for a dastardly trip at sea involving no shortage of sunshine, alcohol, ‘high-tide’ bikini bottoms, underwater
muff diving and “Krell”! (more on “Krell” later…).
From 1987 it’s the MOTLEY CRUISE TO NOWHERE!
Before you continue, watch the commercial:
First of all – have a go at that vessel of passengers that this ship promises…a few babes, a bloody butcher, some guy carrying a machine gun, some guy carrying a Rambo lunchbox, a pig, a clown, a donkey and last but not least: hair metal sleaze-brains Mötley Crüe!
Almost 30 years ago, long before rock band cruises were a thing, Mötley Crüe created an MTV contest for a few lucky winners to set sail with them to Bermuda. The five hour luxury boat cruise would not only sail through the actual Bermuda Triangle, but the vessel of vermins would get to party with the band, stay in a ritzy hotel, get chauffeured around in a limo and each get $1,000 in spending money. Also, keep in mind that 1987 was the Crüe’s primetime deadbeat era. The band were hot on the heels of their ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ album and were at the peak of their drug-induced debauchery, so contest winners were essentially sharing the same living space with 4 of the most drugged up rock n’ roll degenerates walking the planet. For anyone who’s read all the stories like I have, it’s almost hard to wrap your head around the idea of these guys being able to board a boat and actually hold it together for an amount of time. But they did it…they really did it.
Also accompanying them on the ship were MTV’s staff, Vince Neil’s girlfriend Sharise (of Hollywood Tropicana fame) and the band’s security chief Fred Saunders. Again for anyone who’s savvy with their Mötley Crüe historical knowledge, the name Fred Saunders should be very familiar as he was the one who scored the band their “Krell” while on tour. “Krell” was their codename for cocaine, which got its name from the 1981 movie Heavy Metal. Anytime the band were out in public and needed a taste of booger sugar, saying the word “Krell” would alert ol’ Fred.
“The day started out perfect. Just like a Harley Davidson with a tank full of gas. The Crüe was off to cruise the Caribbean and of course by our side was a boatful of babes and even better – some dude to pick up the tab.”
– Vince Neil
Looking back at this naughty-nautical-adventure has me feeling naturally jealous, but I also can’t help to think about how innocent these times were. As wild and unpredictable as the voyage probably was, the intent was solely for a few lucky fans to have the time of their lives with their favorite band. This was 1987 and these types of events weren’t typical, so there was probably very little (if any) security. But was there actually a need for it? These were simpler times. Less synthetic drugs, no cell phones, no suicide bombers (at least not on a heavy metal boat). While the booze and illegal hijinks probably flowed like water, at least it wasn’t the prime intention of the trip. Very different from some of these all day “music” festivals where only 60% of the crowd know what artists are performing that day. The remainder purchased tickets at starting prices of $300 for other reasons, leaving the real, hungry fans at home.