JANUARY’S LOST LEGEND OF THE MONTH: THE BROCKTON TRASH ICON.
Fresh off the heels of 2014’s Deadbeat-Of-The-Month, TNUC gallops into 2015 with a brand new monthly splurge: LOST LEGEND OF THE MONTH!
“Lost Legend”? Oh, like Kurt Cobain or something? NOPE.
Our Legends are forgotten men and women, as well as misplaced beasts that have been misunderstood and neglected throughout the course of history. People that given the chance and proper placement in life should have dominated everything in their path. But somehow that didn’t happen. For whatever reason they missed their window to rise to the top of that plateau with wind whipping through their hair and a sweaty clenched fist pointed to the high heavens, declaring their brute strength and sexual prowess on all of mankind.
The painful thing about seeing one of these supreme icons in action is that it might only last two seconds, whether that be in-person or on TV. However, that mere glimpse of getting a feel for their attitude, strut, and ruthlessness spoke numbers and left you in a daze of inspiration. You must get to know this mega-being, discover their daily activities, imitate their body language, see what’s on their bedroom walls and find out what action movie soundtrack they hold forever true.
On the flipside, these Legends aren’t restricted to being only the elusive kind. He, she or IT could be someone who was in the media spotlight for a period of time but dropped off the face of the planet to be never heard from again. Many of our LLOTM’s will be people you recognize and always wondered “WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN?”.
With that out of the way, we’re pleased to announce January’s Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month:
THE BROCKTON TRASH ICON.
Take a firm 25 minutes to absorb every bit of raw power that this photo contains. JUST LOOK AT THIS GUY. Yes, it’s a shirtless garbage man with a long hair, pink bandanas on each arm ala The Ultimate Warrior and most importantly, a bad attitude. This warrior of the wind was spotted just a few months ago in the somewhat-dumpy town of Brockton, Massachusetts hanging on the back of a garbage truck.
While brisk Northeast winds blow around that rat’s nest on top of his skull, our Legend prowls the city – tossing old food, dirty diapers, leaky packages and 220 lbs. bags of dog poo into his heavy duty killwagon. As you’ll see in the photos, he handles trash while wearing white, fingerless gloves which pair well with his I-could-give-a-fuck jeans. His skin is worse than an 80 year old Florida woman’s corpse, yet he’s immune to any forms of cancer. Locals call him Heavy-Metal-Melanoma. This guy is like if instead of starting a solo career, David Lee Roth was sent to a post-apocalyptic land of doom to share an apartment with The Toxic Avenger after he and Van Halen parted ways.
The photo came to me from a TNUC disciple named Shawn with a message that read “the most epic trash man”. Goddamn right he is. This is the baddest and nastiest garbage handler on the planet. It’s not that he doesn’t know what decade it is, he just couldn’t care less. Management are too afraid and intimidated to approach him regarding their “company dress code”, but they also can’t lay him off because he’s the best garbage man the city has seen this century. Little kids hold up handmade signs like they’re at a wrestling event when he pulls up to their houses. Every single mom in a 15 mi. radius starts out being afraid of him, threatening to call the cops purely based on his appearance, but weeks later are asking him to stop by on his “lunch break” with packs of Virginia Slims. Life for this Lost Legend really is all about greasin’ the do back and weasin’ on the buff-fest.
Shawn told me that he only caught the elusive trash warrior on the prowl one time, but word on the street is that now he’s wanted by the local sanitation department for riding through white-picket-fenced neighborhoods banging his head and blasting Testament. Again, this is not some old photo dug up from a 1987. It was taken just a few months ago. All of this is happening right now, maybe in YOUR neighborhood.
People, if you see this man, contact Uncle T IMMEDIATELY. If someone can convince him to use a computer for five minutes, have him read this post and let him know how much we respect everything that he represents.
In conclusion, Uncle T would just like to say that even though he for the most part despises movie remakes, can we get someone to remake 1990’s Men At Work? With leading roles by Keith David and our very 1st Lost Legend: The Brockton Trash Icon!