TNUC’S CURSED HALLOWEEN TAPE.
Tonight’s recipe calls for MOLTEN METAL.
Back story: At the start of the month, I drove my Harley up to visit Grandmother TNUC who resides up north. We hadn’t spoken since 1987, and little did I know if she was even still alive. Old people are usually ending up dead all the time so naturally I was very skeptical pulling up to her old creakily house by the lake. As I finally approached the house, I could see the old buzzard doing yard-work and a sigh of relief washed over me. Grandmother TNUC may have looked like a corpse, but she was still hanging in there! Anyways, she had many complaints about my long luscious locks of gold, my never-been-washed leather pants, snakeskin boots and of course, the biggest complaint…..my one dangling cross earring. Still, she welcomed me inside and told me that she had been trying to contact me for years, but didn’t know anything about my whereabouts. She informed me that there was something very special in the basement that I needed to exhume from beneath her house before she passed and it would be too late. Being the cellar dweller that I am, I rushed to the basement and did a radical slide down the handrail to the stairs. The basement had to be below freezing temperatures. I remembered it always smelling like moth balls, peppermint candies and shoe polish down there, but today there was nothing. Just the cold. Its a good thing I had my leathers on! There was a faint-purple light coming from the far corner of the room. I could feel a warmth as I moved slowly towards the light. I approached what seemed to be a glowing warmth coming up from the dirt. Only small cracks in the ground were allowing the purple glow to glimmer. I began digging through the ground, not knowing what to expect. At last I came upon what felt in my hands like a cassette tape! The light flickered and stopped.
The tape was dirty, mangled and didn’t show any signs of life. I ran upstairs and when Grandmother TNUC saw I had the tape in my hands, she gasped for air and was screaming that I needed to go home and burn it for all eternity. She confessed that her house was built on ancient Native American burial grounds and that the tape was cursed. Hearing this, I became ravenous, anxious and intrigued. I lied and told her I would burn it, then took off on my Harley and rode to someone’s house who I knew would be able to bring this tape back to life. Mr. Eccesso Barbino, who agreed to have his name featured here but wished not to divulge any information about himself, is an Italo-phantom who specializes in projects just like this one. He told me that within a week the tape would be cleaned off, ready to play and we would all be cursed for sure. So just one week later, I returned, loaded the tape in my walkman, put my muffs around each ear, AND THESE ARE THE 13 HARMONIOUS CUTS THAT BEAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF MY EARS. TNUC’S CURSED HALLOWEEN TAPE!