BEARDED TERROR.

In these scenes from The Amityville Horror, George Lutz (James Brolin) makes it very clear that nothing stands in the way of a man and his axe, his beard and his lumber. Pay close attention to the expression on his face throughout the clip. So focused, so relentless, so terrifying.

Oak, cedar, pine…choose your wood.
Grizzly, sexual, violent…choose your beard.

I hope one day when I retire, I can relocate somewhere up North, either deep in the forest or by an ancient lake. I’ll grow my ferocious beard and chop wood all day and into the wee hours of the night. I’ll have enough fire wood to heat my home 365 days of the year. And I’ll do just that. My family will complain about the agonizing, scorching temperatures, but there’s nothing they can do about it. It could be the middle of December or the middle of July, rest assured that fire will be blazing. The wife and kids will be sweating profusely from the unbearable heat, while I’m relaxing comfortably in the living room…fire blazing, naked, beard sweating, eating a big steak and watching Road House.

Of course my old lady will love the bearded delight that walks in the door every day. As you can imagine, the strapping old beard works wonders in the bedroom. She calls it “The TNUC Touch“.

WINDOW WATCHING.

The nightmare continues today with one of Brad Fiedel’s peculiar pieces from his 1985 score of Fright Night, an appropriate selection entitled ‘Window Watching’. This song will terrify your neighbors and at the same time make them envy your every move. They will talk amongst themselves, gossiping and claiming that the moans and screams they keep hearing in the middle of the night are coming from your window. When one of them confronts you about it, you deny it to the bone. They’re frightened but at the same time intrigued and want in.

The only thing they know for sure is that you’re sweet, sexy and you like to sleep in late. The old neighborhood was such a bore before you moved in. Now it’s fresh cut lawns, white picket fences, kids playing…and a seductive, late-night vamp living next door. The few times you see them, you smile and wave, pretending like everything is normal. Little do they know, one move and any one of them could be thrust intro a brink of seduction and into your embrace.

DREAM WARRIORS.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

Every year right around this time, the Fall season unmasks, the cold weather creeps in and the air is filled with something. With momentum building for the holiday, it’s the brisk, Autumn days leading up to Halloween that are the ones we’ll remember the most.

For the next two weeks, whether you’re riding your bike over wet leaves, hanging out in abandoned cathedrals, spending late nights by the lake, dismembering corpses, sacrificing midgets or seducing the neighborhood slumber party, don’t forget to stay tuned to your favorite Uncle to get your fix of fear.

The ferocious feature I’m presenting today stars our main man, Freddy Krueger, who took the pleasant courtesy during some of his downtime in 1987 to star in the following headbanger video. The video draws it’s curtain with dame Patricia Arquette, who plays Kristen, the chosen helpless teenie in A Nightmare on Elm St 3: Dream Warriors. Watch as she puts together a diorama of the Elm St. house using Popsicle sticks and…pictures of hair metal screechers, Dokken? YES.

There are too many scenes that I just cherish. From the earsplitting hawk-like vocals of Donny Dokken, to lead axe-grinder George Lynch hammering through a wall to shred a solo, it’s all nothing but bliss. Forget Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, the only jam I need for partying on the 31st is this beastly number by DOKKEN!

Enough words, time to maximize the video, turn it UP, press play and whatever you do, don’t fall asleep…



For the hardcore TNUC supporters, here’s the track in its rip-roaring, 320-bitrate glory:
D/L: Dokken – Dream Warriors

RICK "THE MODEL" MARTEL.

In late 1989, the WWF and the world were introduced to a menacing yet fine-musked force known as Rick “the Model” Martel. He had his own brand of perfume called “Arrogance”, which was kept in a large atomizer and would be sprayed in the eyes of his opponents to blind them. He also wore a Turquoise sport coat, complete with a large novelty button that read “Yes, I am a Model” to the ring. Now, I ask you to please show Rick some manners and watch his brilliant vignettes here:

“Put the breaks on the fast lane, and accellerate into the fast lane with Arrogance”

I can’t speak on what fate had in store for Rick, but I’d like to think he relocated somewhere up in Northern Alaska, far away from his enemies, where he has taken over a small town, turning all the locals into factory workers, making them work relentlessly to push thousands of units a day of his “Arrogance” perfume, while Rick spends his days lounging in his sauna with a girl dangling from each arm.

THE PRINCIPAL.

Photobucket

Various taglines from 1987’s The Principal:

“Rick Latimer had nothing to lose…until he was given the one job nobody else dared take.”

“An educator who never plays by the rules. A high school where the only law is survival. Will he break it before it breaks him?”

“Welcome to Brandel High…where two men who’ve never done ANYTHING by the book are laying down the law.”

“To get this job, he had to be crazy. To survive it, he’ll have to get even crazier.”

“To tame the roughest, meanest and wildest high school in the district, they needed an administrator who was rougher, meaner and wilder. Enter Rick Latimer.”

“He’s teaching the students at Brandel High two words… NO MORE.”

“At a high school where the students major in arson, extortion and assault, the new principal and the head of security just might be crazy enough to turn things around.”

STEVE MOORE.

This is the reason you wake up at night in a cold sweat. Steve Moore’s hauntingly beautiful Fever Dream. Make no mistake, this dream is a reality.
 

You can be fully conscious when the song starts, but the waves of synthesizer will wash over you and your mind will begin to wander out unwillingly into the fog. The first layer is gentle and captivating, which floats seamlessly over an ominous rhythm that feels like it’s slowly creeping towards you. Beware. Something else is lurking behind the layered rhythms…it slowly reveals itself from the mist and takes you to another level. Once the song ends you realize you have been in a trance for some time. It’s OK. It was only a dream. This track originally surfaced as a bonus on his Demo 2003 LP (get on that if you haven’t already, will ya). This 10’’ release, out on the Mexican Summer label next month, pairs the track with another eerie dreamscape called 30,000 Feet Deep

The album art, pictured above, clearly matches the mood of the music it contains which will be a nice addition to your vinyl collection. Mr. Moore should already be on your radar, but if he is not, you have some homework to do. Take a leisurely stroll to his blog for updates on his upcoming work. I thank Uncle T for having me listen to Zombi’s ‘Surface To Air’ a few years back which introduced me to the wizard behind the keys, Steve Moore. It’s an honor to post here at TNUC. Uncle T and I are cut from the same cloth…Denim. Our mutual love for Steven Seagal’s ‘Out For Justice’, synthesizers, pizzas, strip clubs, and New England construction has provided the foundation for a great friendship.

– Jared Haselton a.k.a. Relax English (East Coast contributor to the TNUC book of enlightenment.) –

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