UNSOLVED MYSTERIES: HEAVY METAL MYSTERY BABE.
Posted on February 12, 2025 Leave a Comment
This poster. This babe. This mystery. This uncanny quest.
Do you (yes, you) recognize this poster? The unknown whereabouts and unrevealed identification of this leather lady of the night has haunted me forever.
It all started back in high school shop class when I was just a small delinquent. Every afternoon when our shop teacher would leave at the end of the period, the nasty hijinks would begin. Setting off cherry bombs, throwing stuff out the window, pentagrams on the chalkboard, pouring liquid heat over the football player’s jockstraps, taping Larry Lester’s buns together and last but certainly not least, arm wrestling tournaments.
This was 1987 and Stallone’s arm wrestling movie blockbuster Over the Top was white hot. As impressionable kids we ate up every second of it, blasting the soundtrack on the way to school and turning our hats backwards just like the hero in our eyes: truck driver/arm wrestling GOD, Lincoln Hawk. “Meet Me Halfway…”
Once these shop class arm wrestling tournaments took off, they gained momentum and pretty soon it was the talk outside every locker and drinking fountain at school. Tournament winners started receiving awards. Grand prizes ranged from a pack of Marlboros and coupons to Wienerschnitzel — to a pair of prom queen panties.
Everything went up a notch the day a mysterious prize was dropped off which took our breath away — a large poster with a buxom babe donned in leather ‘n chains with only the words HEAVY METAL on the bottom right corner. Naturally, Uncle T had his heart set on this prized possession and would do anything to have it. ANYTHING.
At about the halfway point of the high stakes tournament, spectators began smelling a burning odor. At first they assumed it was a couple of our low-IQ, high-RPM classmates named Skank and Gutterboy probably huffing hydraulic fluid and God-only-knows what else in the back room. Suddenly one kid pointed over to the welding table. The coveted, cherished, beloved Heavy Metal Babe poster had smoldered in a small fire, cooking to a crisp right in front of the class.
Uncle T was beyond devastated. For years following that fateful day I wondered who this mysterious hellcat on the poster was and if I’d ever see it again.
Fast forward a few years. One morning while I was “being forced to watch” (wink) Beverly Hills, 90210, I saw something during Season 4 that made me literally roll out of my bean bag chair and choke on my Bagel Bites. THERE IT WAS. The infamous poster I hadn’t laid my eyes on in over a decade! There she was in all her glory on the walls of Steve Sander’s fraternity house. Sandwiched next to sports posters, pennants and a painting of dogs playing poker.
As evidenced in these screen shots, the bros of “Keg house” even made a special cut-out on the poster to make room for the light switch on the wall. There also seems to be signatures or messages written on it.
As cool as this was to notice, it ultimately didn’t bring me any information about the poster or the girl. People kept insisting to me that the woman was Samantha Fox or Bobbie Brown but something told me this couldn’t be true. Call it intuition. Call it destiny. So I kept hunting, with the words of Dokken echoing in my consciousness “searching for love on these lonely streets again….a Hunter searching for the things that I may never find again.”
Then a second revelation came — this time from the deep archives of 1980s rock historia with a little help from TNUC’s faithful disciples!
The model on the poster is Pamela Manning, who sometimes would go by the name Pamela Jackson. She made her first mark dancing on stage at early Guns ‘N Roses gigs and ended up being managed by Wendy Dio (Ronnie’s wife). She continued to dance for different bands at shows and then appeared in a number of music videos after being introduced to director Mark Isham. Her dating life included the likes of Izzy Stradlin and Tommy Lee! The poster in question was shot my photographer Sam Maxwell.
The mystery of the heavy metal poster babe is considered partially solved. I still need to have one of these adorned on my wall! If anyone reading this comes across a copy of this poster and you have any place in your heart for Uncle T, please contact my associates immediately. She needs to reside in the Land of TNUC.
THE IRISH QUEEN.
Posted on January 21, 2025 2 Comments
Only in recent years did I wake from my slumber and come to terms with the shame of what I’d been neglecting…the incredible music by the mysterious woman who lives in a castle overlooking the Irish sea named ENYA.
For those thinking TNUC’s headspace is confined to the limitations of heavy metal barbarians, Pizza Hut and motorcycle vampires, you would be wrong…dead wrong.
Of course, during childhood I associated Enya purely with moms. Moms who drove Volvos and watched the Lifetime network. It wasn’t that I had any real dislike for the music or didn’t acknowledge its quality — but when your mother plays it nonstop around the house, as a 12 year old kid it just doesn’t register on any conceivable level. So in a way these songs have been echoing in the back of my head for a very long time but it wasn’t until now that I came full circle with a brand new perspective.
It happened during a late night awakening years ago when her songs popped up on a playlist as I had a pair of headphones on. The dreamy, God-like, haunting melodies washed over me and I was stunned at how brilliant everything about it sounded. Those ancient choral vocals and triumphant synths woke something inside of me and I couldn’t believe I had somehow overlooked this music. It was an interesting feeling to say the least — one part nostalgic, one part something new.
Describing Enya’s music isn’t easy. Nor is labeling it or placing it into a genre, because this is beyond “new age”. These songs are spellbinding, beautiful, otherworldly magic that force me to slow down, daydream and think. There’s elements of Tangerine Dream as well as medieval themes, however she created something that exists entirely outside everything else. The powerful synth landscapes and choral swells are masterfully aligned to create such a unique sound. The sound of Enya.
My advice to every person reading this article is to grab a pair of good headphones and start listening.
The best music exists in its own world, far away from everything else. Enya’s music is exactly that. No comparison is possible and her sound is unmistakable. There is mystique about her that has been one of the most appealing qualities as well, both musically and literally, as she lives in a castle in Ireland which overlooks the ocean. She doesn’t tour and does very minimal press. With over 80 million records sold worldwide, the Irish queen has never been exploited from mainstream media.
This is one of those posts that I’ve thought about writing for a long time but didn’t know how to approach it. The immediate thought is that Enya’s music doesn’t fit in the TNUC wheelhouse but if you open your ears and submerge yourself in this music, it fits more inside this sacred land than you think. Plus, my mom would be proud.
Sail away with 10 of TNUC’s favorite Enya songs:
THIS BUD’S FOR DIO.
Posted on December 18, 2024 1 Comment
I know to most people, none of this is news. The majority of you have heard the Budweiser radio jingle from 1983 featuring heavy metal lord Ronnie James Dio singing “this Bud’s for you” to the melody of “Rainbow In The Dark”. The 1-minute radio spot resurfaced a few years ago and I’ve listened to it at least ten thousand times. Suffice to say, I still can’t get over it.
Sudsy beer + Dio = eternal greatness. This further proves that Uncle Ronnie could make anything cool. I mean, beer is already pretty cool but Budweiser? (His favorite beer was a Guinness). From lyrics about rainbows and tigers to opening verses with words like “HEY DREAMCHILD!”, Dio could do it all. The pint-sized man with the gargantuan vocal talent could make a tampon commercial sound triumphant if he wanted to.
The Budweiser radio spot was apparently never officially released. Instead it was included on a Dio concert recording syndication that was given only to radio stations.
Even years after he passed away in 2010, Ronnie is the gift that keeps giving considering the massive body of work he left us with Elf, Rainbow, Black Sabbath and the Dio years. If you haven’t seen the documentary DIO: Dreamers Never Die that came out recently, it is highly recommended!
Now you’ll have to excuse me while I pound a few beer milkshakes and Totino’s Pizza Rolls while listening to Holy Diver until I pass out.
THE BUCKMOBILE.
Posted on November 14, 2024 2 Comments
There really isn’t a single aspect of the 1989 movie Uncle Buck that I don’t idolize. One of the endlessly loveable moments in the movie is Buck Russell’s big old beater of a car — a thunderous piece of crappy power known as a 1977 Mercury Marquis Brougham. This loud, massive, homely looking vehicle is the perfect gas-guzzler for a crazy, out of work, bum uncle like Buck.
“U.B.” arrives in town to babysit his nieces and nephew after their parents are beyond desperate to find someone to watch the kids. The last on their list to ask is Bob Russell’s loving but reckless brother, Buck.
Buck makes no hesitations about doing this big favor for his brother and sister in law. He packs his stuff and drives his signature shitbox from Chicago to the suburbs in the middle of the night, making no apologies about it.
The Mercury’s exhaust can be heard from miles away. It constantly backfires and leaves a trail of smoke wherever it goes. The old beast must have sucked up a lot of fuel and be expensive to drive around. It’s a good thing Buck spends his time wisely at the horse track. “The Winter Million” only comes once a year but you can be sure Buck and friends will be there. “One score and your whole year is covered!“
I was always jealous of the scenes where Buck is dropping off his niece Tia at school. Tia is riddled with embarrassment from being dropped off in front of her classmates by this shit-kicker Mercury blowing smoke and being driven by a big man with a big fluffy hat. Meanwhile this is the exact entrance I would have dreamed about making at school.
OK, we’ve discussed the exterior features of the Buckmobile. Now let’s take a closer look at what’s going on inside.
There’s a lot going on here! The “suicide knob” also known as a Brodie Knob, is an aftermarket accessory that attaches to the steering wheel and independently rotates. It’s intended to make steering with one hand easier and faster (ideal for a big boat like the Buckmobile). The knob allows the driver to turn the steering wheel quickly from one side to the other, which people would use to spin their cars rapidly on snow-covered streets for amusement. It was coined the nickname “suicide knob” because of how notoriously useless they were in the event of an emergency, Many states have made them illegal, which includes Buck’s home state of Illinois!
A true icon. TNUC would love to open a car rental service someday which would cater specifically to old Buicks, Lincolns, Oldsmobiles, Chevys, Pontiacs, Chryslers and Mercurys. Complete with maroon interiors, vent windows, cassette decks, sofa-like seats and ashtays all over the place. Just the way it should be. It’s a shame so few people can experience this level of luxury these days.
On a further note — what is it about John Hughes movies and cars? There’s a memorable car in just about every John Hughes “classic”. Sure there are memorable cars in a ton of films but with this director/write, they seem to be characters themselves.
Clark Griswold’s family truckster (Vacation)
Jake Ryan’s Porsche (Sixteen Candles)
The only time you see parents is in their respectable cars (The Breakfast Club)
Andie’s Volkswagen Karmann Ghia Coupe (Pretty In Pink)
Cameron’s dad’s Ferrari (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)
Del Griffith’s Chrysler LeBaron Town & Country convertible (Planes Trains and Automobiles)
Chet Ripley’s Jeep Grand Wagoneer (The Great Outdoors)
Eddie’s RV and Clark’s Ford Taurus (Christmas Vacation)
Dutch Dooley’s Lincoln Town Car (Dutch)
+ Buck Russell’s Mercury Marquis from Uncle Buck!
I’ve always said that November is the official start of “John Candy season”. While Uncle Buck isn’t a holiday movie by any sorts, it has that feel about it. It appears to be a chilly setting (although not winter) and of course it all centers around family life – the cornerstone of a great John Hughes film. There are obvious movies like Home Alone and Planes, Trains and Automobiles that are essential holiday viewing I couldn’t go the season without. Couldn’t do it!
“John Candy season” is also about the essence of John Candy and what he embodies in these movies. Going to bowling alleys, satin jackets, weird uncles, one-liners, cocktails, eating at diners, great music, great friends, being with family and sometimes making a fool of yourself in the interest of having a good time with the ones you love.
COTTON CANDY COCOON GOURD?
Posted on October 31, 2024 Leave a Comment
In honor of Halloween (today), the most festive and blessed day in the year of our lord and savior Uncle T, we decided that instead of carving pumpkins this year, let’s make a cotton candy cocoon from 1988’s Killer Klowns from Outer Space.
One look at one of those gigantic green gourds at a local farm stand and I knew this was it. The gourd is already somewhat cocooned shaped, so all we would need is a few kooky items to turn this giant vegetable into a hot pink monstrosity with a dead human inside!
Step 1: Wrap gourd with spider webbing and a cheap grandma mask!
Step 2: Spray webbing with neon pink hairspray to get the cotton candy effect. Then cover mask with blood!
Step 3: Document entire thing with a song from the Killer Klowns soundtrack!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
NIGHT BEAST 6:66.
Posted on October 25, 2024 3 Comments
The pentagram on his left paw told him everything. It had been nothing but a faint scar until just recently when it began to itch and burn during the night. He dismissed the sensation at first, figuring it was just a reaction from a bad sexual episode with a few bottom-of-the-barrel, local prostitutes he shamefully had to eat last summer. But now the pain had worsened and the scar morphed into a bloody, five-pointed star on his palm. The mark of the beast. A pentagram.
Up until this time, the Night Beast always enjoyed a fun romp through the small towns and big cities while partying hard and committing savagery without a care in the world. His favorite pastime was prowling the smoky roadhouse dives — they were his watering holes and hunting grounds. But suddenly things had turned evil. Mean. The Devil’s work.
It must have been the gypsy woman from one of his stops at a small carnival in upstate Vermont. He remembers her going door to door, warning the villagers that “his presence revived an ancient terror”. She lured him into her tent one night after he had too many Coors Lights and Yoo-hoos and promised to give him a palm reading. Moments later he passed out but vaguely remembers the gypsy woman cursing him and spitting some wine and chicken blood on his left paw.
Now the Night Beast fears what he is becoming. So our beloved bastard has decided that he’s got one more in him. One more time to ravage the countryside. One last gallop through the college campuses to lure coed pledges from their dinky boyfriends. I mean, who can resist that irresistible stench of beer-soaked fur and Slim Jims? The final transformation is now.
During the last lunar eclipse, a musical offering was created after blood was spilled and occult symbols were drawn to summon the beast one last time. TNUC is proud to present the final installment of the Night Beast saga and our 2024 Halloween mixtape — NIGHT BEAST 6:66.
1. PINO DONAGGIO – OPENING TITLE/PHONE CALL/DARK STREETS (THE HOWLING OST)
2. GRIM REAPER – WRATH OF THE REAPER
3. WICE – VENDETTA
4. PENTAGRAM – SIGN OF THE WOLF
5. BABEL – HOWLING (MAKE FLESH CREEP MIX)
6. HEAVY PETTIN – VICTIMS OF THE NIGHT
7. ACE FREHLEY – SOMETHING MOVED
8. ALICE COOPER – SPARK IN THE DARK
9. IAN HUNTER – GOOD MAN IN A BAD TIME
10. SABRE – SOMETHIN’ UNDER MY BED
11. KEEL – SOMEBODY’S WAITING
12. BOBBY “BORIS” PICKETT – MONSTER RAP
13. JUDAS PRIEST – NIGHT CRAWLER
14. THE CAPRIS – THERE’S A MOON OUT TONIGHT
15. THE CHARIOT – WHEN THE MOON SHINES
16. STAN RIDGWAY – THE BIG HEAT
17. KING DIAMOND – HALLOWEEN
18. J. PETER ROBINSON/MICHAEL HOENIG – END CREDITS [THE GATE, 1987]
19. IRON MAIDEN – THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST
20. JAY CHATTAWAY – MAKING THE SILVER BULLET
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(I’ve started to sell downloads because these mixtapes always cost Uncle T a few bucks and they are time consuming. Support TNUC and I’ll keep making them for all eternity.)
The hexalogy is complete.
Huge thanks to Blake Clark @606wizard for hand painting this year’s artwork!
Thank you to everyone who has supported TNUC over the years.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
uncletnuc.com 