HE’S BACK (THE MAN BEHIND THE MANIMAL).
The 30th anniversary of CAMP TNUC is among us! Before we take part in the usual nasty hijinks, your head Camp Counselor Uncle T has something disturbing to confess. For the first time in the history of this place, he’d like to clear the air and let everyone know that HE has been the “Manimal”…stalking, lurking and creeping around cabins since around 1985. Yes, that deformed and grotesque thing in the woods that’s become a legend over moonlit campfires has been Uncle T himself, playing the studly counselor part during the day and a raw-meat eating, axe-wielding Manimal at night.
Why turn an innocent sleepaway camp into a land of “blood, babes and boogeymen”? (As beautifully stated by TrueHorrorNet)
It all started with just a little foolin’ to shake up the staff. A few innocent gags – like tossing Chef Helga’s hairnet into the new kid’s soup, pouring liquid heat in one of the counselor’s jockstraps, hiding cockroaches in the dinner salads during “health day” and flying an Omega Moo’s XXL-panties high on the flagpole. But as years passed, late night tales were shared among neighboring camps about these homicidal maniacs named Jason, Angela and Cropsey – dark figures of the night who were said to have terrorized promiscuous victims in the woods and seemed like they were having SO MUCH FUN. These up and coming psychos were really making a name for themselves and as far as we were concerned, they were stiff competition. If Camp TNUC was to go down in legend, we needed a legendary deranged misfit to wreak havoc and scare the willies out of every brainless, perky-chested brat to wander these woods. Someone who could live forever. Someone who could vanish into the pitch blackness and never come close to being found by authorities. No suspects. No leads. An unstoppable evil that never dies. When he could no longer bare not having such a distinguished maniac at our camp, he created a night beast. He created a M A N I M A L.
OK…with that heavy burden now lifted, it’s time to get start the ceremonial events. So roll out those sleeping bags, grab some beer n’ Doritos…and meet us down by the fire!
For all the new blood visiting our haunted campgrounds this year, don’t let TNUC’s confession send you running back to grandma. It isn’t total bloodshed and disaster over here. Our seasonal brochure promised tons of October fun and that’s exactly what we’re going to deliver. Here’s what we guarantee for accommodations:
Each cabin comes fully stocked with the following necessities…(1) TV/VCR combo for those horror movie all-nighters, (2) Mystery box of horror VHS, (3) McDonald’s “McBoo” pails filled with candy, (4) Dimly lit lighting effects to create eerie atmospheres at night, and (5) Stacks of nudie magazines.
Grab some dinner by 8:30 p.m. because after that our Mess Hall becomes
a battlefield of flying pizza, sloppy joe’s, mustard, hot dogs, apple pie and whipped cream during our nightly food fights. #1 rule of the roost in the mess hall: If you DON’T participate in the daily full-fledged food fights, you’re banned and are forced to scourge the forest for dinner (while Manimal lurks with his trusty axe in the distance).
During the day, borrow one of our canoes or jet skis for some fun out on the water. Or paddle out to the floating raft with your friends to smoke a joint and do some diving. But before you do, a word to the wise…some campers have reported a strange oil slick that follows people around the lake, trying to grab and suffocate you to death. Skinny-dippers have been the first ones to disappear. Hope you’re a fast swimmer!
Relax girls. The outdoor showers at Camp TNUC are safe (enough). Just remember to periodically look up to make sure our former head cook “Sludge” isn’t hanging in the trees peeping down at you. We fired him years ago for bad behavior but girls still say that towels go missing and they hear heavy breathing near the shower stalls.
Nightly entertainment can be seen and heard at our main amphitheater known as “The Pit”. Come snack on fried dough and huge bowls of generic-red punch while you bang your heads to vampire rock bands. On nights when there’s a full moon, a rumbling in “The Pit” happens when the clock strikes midnight, resulting in undead babes rising from the dirt and dancing till’ dawn!
Brisk nights at camp always benefit from a good dose of maximum tunage to get the blood pumping. Every TNUC Halloween mix can be heard on our Haunted Hits! page, which you can access on the right column or at this location!
Did you hear about Camp TNUC’s all new merchandise for 2015? New t-shirts, posters and fingerless gloves (yes) for sale! It’s all available on Monday, 10/5/15 – only here!!!!!!!
HUGE thanks to Vanessa from Vanessa Vanya Draws Stuff for creating TNUC’s new spooked-out illustrations for our 30th anniversary bash. Influenced by high-school-detention-hall-heavy-metal prodigies of 1985, her work breathed new life into the rotting soil of this haunted campground! If you like what you see, all artwork will be available to purchase this Monday, 10/5/15!