SEPTEMBER’S LOST LEGEND OF THE MONTH: GINO VELTRI.
Press play, then continue to press play until you understand 100% of the lyrics to this mega-hit by September’s Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month…glam rock messiah Gino Veltri!
It would mean the world to me if you played at my niece’s upcoming first communion party. The other day she walked into my garage and the poor girl witnessed two local long butts from the neighborhood getting out of the TNUC jacuzzi naked. I apologized and promised that this weekend I’d host her first communion family function. So when I asked her what dream band would she choose to rock out on my backyard gazebo, you know what she said? Van Halen. I explained to her that with my limited budget it could only be the bar mitzvah/banquet hall lost legend, Gino Veltri.
See, my relatives normally avoid me like the plague, treating me like I’m some misfit-manimal-leper who they’d love to send away on a plane with a 1-way ticket to Guam. You could say I’m the Uncle Buck of this extended family, but not the Uncle Buck that learns the valuable lesson at the end of the movie. I’m the horse race betting, Mercury Marquis-driving, microwaving his laundry Buck Russell. To the cousins, grandparents, brother-in-laws and most definitely sister-in-laws, TNUC is nothing more than a drifter. A misplaced neanderthal living in today’s society. However I can’t fault them completely for having these thoughts because a part of me gets it. The late nights, motorcycle fumes, pit stained trenchcoats, aqua net residue, quaalude withdrawals, Beer Wolf basement dungeon, Kelly Bundy obsession…I mean, I kind of get it.
But ask the kids who everyone’s favorite uncle is and Uncle T is forever reigning supreme. It’s probably because I have the last still-working, ORIGINAL Crocodile Mile water slide in my backyard, plus a private stock of non-expired Hi-C Ecto Cooler always ready to go.
In the event of a scheduling conflict and you guys happen to be rocking one of your signature sets at a flea market or indoor laser tag this weekend, we’d still love to have you play the annual TNUC summer close-out pool party at the end of the month. Just a few minutes to bask in those nasty riffs heard at the Madison Estate’s 3rd grade graduation party and this party will be even better than a Brad Wesley pool party.
OK, maybe not better than a Brad Wesley pool party.
[Lost-Legend-Of-The-Month is a heartwrenching chronicle of forgotten iconic warriors who were either wiped off the face of the planet for reasons unknown or simply never got the chance to “peak” during their short-lived careers. We cherish these individuals and devote an entire month to celebrate their impact on society. To see the rest of em’, go here.]