If you’ve ever spent an afternoon watching Stone Cold and then dreamt later that night about having dinner with The Boz, then you and Uncle TNUC have more in common than you probably imagined.

After winning this vintage Stone Cold collectable bandana on Ebay recently, I was curious to see if it was possible to get closer to the action. I wanted so badly to ride my steel horse around town and infiltrate the criminal underground, just like my hero Stone. It was like acid in my veins. Well, one night after an 89th viewing of my Stone Cold VHS, I dosed off during the end credits. When I woke, the tape had run several minutes past the credits when suddenly THIS COMMERCIAL APPEARED…

“Lets have a blast in LA” 

Anyone who knows me knows that there’s nothing I’d rather spend money on than a good, wholesome 1-900 hotline. So I grabbed my touchtone phone and began to dial. I received this message on the other line: “The service you are attempting to use has become restricted or is unavailable. Please contact customer care for assistance.” Someone beat me to it. Some lucky person right at this very moment is roaming the earth and relishing about their grand prize win and dinner with the action’s most underrated hero. If any of you readers know the whereabouts of this fortunate son, please point him/her in TNUC’s direction. We need to talk.

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