| Page 62

PIZZA HUT’S BIGFOOT BLIMP ACCIDENT.

Posted on July 31, 2014 11 Comments

All summer long I’ve harboured these mysterious feelings of neglect but I finally figured out why. In the midst of our Independence Day celebrations we forgot that July 4th was also the 21st anniversary of Pizza Hut’s BIGFOOT blimp accident. Shame on us as a society for not remembering this fateful day in history that the massive pressured airship promoting Pizza Hut’s behemoth-sized pizza deflated and crash-landed on an upscale apartment in Manhattan.

If you weren’t paying attention, on July 4th, 1993 the buzz around New York City wasn’t surrounding fireworks, bbq’s and the pride of our nation. Instead people were running for their lives as a 160-foot deflated blimp reading BIGFOOT PIZZA with a dog-boy looking illustration on it’s side smothered down on their homes like an extraterrestrial spaceship coming to feast on mankind.

My condolences will forever go out to the shocked and horrified tenants and onlookers involved in this disaster. Luckily only the crew sustained minor injuries, but the mental trauma must have shaken plenty of people. An article in the NY Times stated that some sunbathers on the roof were scrambling to get to a lower level and that apartments were darkened from the blimp hanging limply over the side of the building. I’m still curious to know if people would have been as shaken up had it been a Dominos blimp or Papa John’s blimp. Let’s face it, a large majority of us loathe Pizza Hut. If eating their pizza sounds like a nightmare, imagine what laying out in the sun and looking up in the sky to see a gargantuan-sized Pizza Hut flying-logo-beast coming to crush you feels like? THAT is a Pizza Hut nightmare. But still not as bad as the after effects of eating their pizza? Maybe not.

The only thing that would have made this story better was if the blimp had been filled with 200,000 cubic feet of oozy, liquid cheese (with all their toppings swimming around inside, including the hot dog stuffed crust). It would have exploded on impact and turned Manhattan’s yuppie community into a Pizza Hut toxic wasteland.

The actual event did end up being the talk of the town for about a month and it’s amusing story resulted in higher-than-expected sales for the BIGFOOT pizza itself. In case no one remembers the pizza, it measured 2 feet long by 1 foot wide…certainly big and fat enough to give an adult cardiac arrest but crucial for birthday parties, treehouse hangouts and Friday night movie junk-fests.

“Makin’ It Great!”

CAMP CONTEST!

Posted on July 24, 2014 10 Comments

Always the giving camp counselor, today Uncle TNUC is offering a chance to win one of his Summer Survival Kits (as seen here)!

Here are the rules:

1. Name all 12 films from the camp signs pictured below.
2. Your submissions must be the ENTIRE title of the movie.
3. List them in order in the comment section of this post.

The first person to name each movie correctly, and in order, wins their very own Summer Survival Kit courtesy of the lunch ladies in our Food Court.

OK…Go!

TWO CRUDE DUDES MIX [PART DEUX!]

Posted on July 17, 2014 12 Comments

The year is 1993. There you lay on the couch again, back to the daily grind of air-guitaring to music videos on MTV and eating stacks of nachos with cheese. You hear the opening riff to Skid Row’s ‘Monkey Business’ and a shot of motivation makes you decide to do some exercising. So you reach for your spring chest expander and begin to flex. Twenty seconds in you stop and realize the song you’re hearing is absolutely not any Skid Row song. You look up at the TV and witness something that makes your stomach turn (not the 18lbs of nachos you just scarfed). What you initially thought was Sebastian Bach and his wrecking crew of primates was actually some whiny, acne-ridden, improv theater reject playing cowardly guitar tones and singing about how he hates his father. It’s a nightmare you never imagined but you continue to watch with shock and disgust. Immediately following that steaming pile of dung comes another music video. This time it’s a white guy in a fedora hat and velour tracksuit with a voice that sounds like he’d been taken to a Veterinarian and had his testicles removed. You look down at your skin and see it’s getting paler by the second. Muscle tone is shrinking. Your pants start getting baggier. Your snakeskin boots morph into sandals (with socks!!!)….Now you ralph’ up those nachos.

Just when you thought the first TWO CRUDE DUDES mix would have healed and strengthened every confused man and bewildered babe in society, sadly IT DID NOT. Sure, for a little while the mix worked wonders against dull radio, corduroy pants and staring-at-the-floor-while-playing-guitar, but after that it was right back to dreary days and early nights. Even your diehard, party-metal buds that you remember thrashing n’ bashing around with down in your grandparent’s basement have all conformed to the dullness. Take Ricky for example. Here’s a guy that literally wrote the book on Crude Dude lifestyles. His favorite pastimes were listening to Megadeth, watching Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead and picking up Bettys at the nearby ice hockey rink. But 1990 hit and something changed. Something persuaded him to start wearing Birkenstock sandals and to hang out at the library. Then just three years later he tells you he’s growing a goatee….(ok, enough with this depressing tale). Basically the general consensus was that it wasn’t cool anymore to party and create songs that made you want to have a good time. The other consensus that would carry on for YEARS afterwards was that some people (even metalheads) were relieved that grunge music swooped in and “finally killed off the hair bands”. What many of these sad shrews didn’t stop and realize was that a good percentage of the metal & hard rock bands they once cherished were actually sharpening their sound and producing better albums during this time than ever before. Take for example a band like Winger. Here’s a talented group of studs that by fans perspective had delivered their heaviest and best sounding record in 1993 with “Pull”. This band entered the era to GROW and PROGRESS to greatness beyond most people’s comprehension. Unfortunately the album tanked on the charts due to not enough people knowing of it’s existence. This is because radio and MTV spoon fed listeners with whatever they wanted us to hear, resulting in many bands (old & new) going unnoticed and inevitably dissolving. In the midst of these sad times we thankfully had a pair of saviours. Two noble men from suburbia by the names of Big Mike and Uncle TNUC, who were sent on a mission to prowl the badlands and give us a cruder, ruder and luder lethal injection like never before with the TWO CRUDE DUDES [PART DEUX] mix! Stream below. Free download here.

1) Intro
2) Tuff – Ruck a Pit Bridge
3) Megadeth – 99 Ways to Die
4) Babylon A.D. – The Kid Goes Wild
5) Vince Neil – You’re Invited (But Your Friend Can’t Come)
6) Jami Jamison – I’m Always Here
7) Great White – Desert Moon
8) Skid Row – Slave to the Grind
9) Danger Danger – Good Time
10) Nitro – Cat Scratch Fever
11) Trixter – Rockin’ Horse
12) Winger – Down Incognito
13) Motorhead feat. Ice T and Whitfield Crane – Born to Raise Hell

– –

Promotional consideration paid for by the following:

Ian the Shark, KPPX Rebel Radio, The Sons of Thunder, Jimmy Wing & Palantine Records, American Gladiators, “Blades” indoor ice hockey rink, Magic Mountain, the World Wrestling Federation, “The Tropicana” mud wrestling bar, Mama Celeste, Hostess Cakes, Hi-C Ecto Cooler, Wonder Bread, Jolt Cola, Orange Julius, Body Glove, Gravedigger, Bigfoot, Stretch Armstrong and Noah’s Arcade.

Thirsty for more? Check these links out…
Two Crude Dudes [Vol 1] mix & video
Crude Dude Record Reviews

RUTHLESS RAMBO RUBBISH.

Posted on July 15, 2014 1 Comment

Today we carry on with the Rambo rampage that started last week by diving deep into online auction sites to discover a few vintage treasures birthed by the franchise. Out of all the action icons of ‘the heyday’, the Gods of promotional marketing were shining down the most on Stallone. At any given time on eBay, you’ll find truckloads of toys, promo madness and obscure gold. Even some countries outside the U.S. generated their own collection of sellable or marketable Stallone items, which are often times pretty bizarre because of language barriers and low budgets, I’m assuming (we’ll touch on that in a little bit).

Over the years I’ve become a bloodthirsty collector of items from his truck-driving/arm wrestling classic, Over the Top. It wasn’t until just recently that I realized I’d been neglecting the mega saga RAMBO, which of course spawned a whole mess of stuff. Without further ado, here are my current top (5) pieces of RUTHLESS RAMBO RUBBISH…

5) Rambo Black Flak Bubble Gum (USA)

When you’re John Joseph Rambo, you spend all sorts of time turning enemies into corpses and brutally wiping out entire armies with heavy artillery. During these times you’re typically alone, either way up in a birds nest or shielded behind a hunk of metal, picking off bodies left and right. Being secluded can get pretty lonesome and sometimes a comfort snack is all you crave. Something sugary and sweet to keep the mouth busy. The answer to that problem is Rambo Black Flak Bubble Gum. The “Black Flak” is supposed to be chunks of shrapnel. At least that’s what I read on the eBay listing when I bought it. There’s no way Uncle T was letting 30 year old promotional chewing gum get away, so head over to the Instagram to have a closer, in-depth look at this excellence.

4) Rambo School Folder (ARGENTINA)

The kid that walks down the hallway with this under their arm is easily the most intimidating kid in school and easily the first one that will get to grope a boob. In order to match the intensity and HEAVINESS of the cover, the inside would need to be stuffed with 80 pounds of paper and junk spilling out of it. So full that it’s impossible to turn a page. So explosive that the spine looks like it’s going to snap and whack the nearest person in the face. But if someone were to venture inside, they’d find evil drawings of teachers, heavy metal logos, treehouse building plans and a poindexter kill list!

3) Rambo Water Squirt (ARGENTINA)

Who say’s it’s too early to break out this year’s Christmas list for Santa?! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the idea of a bunch of workers standing in line in a dimly lit factory waiting to fasten the squirters on yellow Rambo moulds coming out of a machine. These must have been tons of fun for families. In the morning the kids can can have Rambo squirt-gun fights and in the afternoon Rambo can join Mom for some window cleaning. There’s a blue string around his neck which has a clear suction cup tied to the end of it (see listing), making me even more confused. Here’s the full listing: http://www.ebay.com/itm/vintage-RAMBO-STALLONE-water-squirt-ARGENTINA-TOY-/131231098144?pt=US_Action_Figures&hash=item1e8dfba520

2) Fat Rambo (country of origin unknown)

There isn’t too much to say about Fat Rambo except that he looks like a shitty, third-rate bodyguard for a crime boss. Not the sidekick that gets to have his share of the money and ladies…he’d be the other guy who just stands there, breathing heavily and waiting to get killed first. Or does he look like he works in the back of a kitchen at a submarine shop in Jersey? Either way he needs to ease up on the pastrami sandwiches.

1) Rambo Pencil Case (GREECE)

Take a long, hard look at this “Rambo” pencil case. I place quotation marks around Rambo because this pencil case is so confusing it makes my brain hurt. First of all, on the front appears to be Stallone’s Cobra character from a completely different movie, only I don’t remember Cobra wearing a hot pink shirt & yellow gloves. There’s a jeep jumping over a stream and a pterodactyl/ostrich thing eating a snake. On top of everything, they appear to be in some prehistoric-neon world.

Maybe Stallone’s head of movie marketing in Greece loathed his movies so much that he could only eat a sheet of acid tabs to come up with any ideas.

The pencil case sat in my eBay watch list for a few weeks until someone ended up actually buying it. Have mercy.

JULY’S DEADBEAT OF THE MONTH: FAKE RAMBO.

Posted on July 8, 2014 9 Comments

The war was never over for United States Special Forces soldier John J. Rambo. Whether being tortured in Vietnamese prison camps or hunted down in his own country for crimes he didn’t commit, Rambo was always engaged in combat. For impersonator/lookalike Wayne Scott, life has a different set of concerns. The only battle he’s fighting is a homoerotic battle on the dance floor! Say hello to July’s Deadbeat-Of-The-Month, Fake Rambo.

[NOTE: DEADBEAT-OF-THE-MONTH is an ongoing saga giving thanks and praise to a chosen deadbeat character each month. To see the rest of em’, go here]

Required viewing before proceeding (audio is poor so turn it way up):

In the video, Wayne Scott presents himself as a nice enough guy. Almost too nice. He also claims to have known both Frank and Sly Stallone. I don’t believe any of it. This guy is dripping with sleaze. In a world full of imposters, impersonators, phonies and gimmicky people trying to earn a buck off someone else’s career, Fake Rambo takes it to a completely different level because of one thing…ITALO DISCO.

It all started when he looked in the mirror one day and saw his future staring back at him. The droopy face, puffy hair and tanned skin genetic talent he came into this world with was too good to pass up a hot gig like being a shitty, disco rendition of a cinematic American war hero. Wayne Scott holds true to the old statement that “the saddest thing in life is wasted talent”. So in the midst of (real) Rambo’s franchise success he runs into an out-of-work, Italian disco troll in a damp alley and hires him to produce his single and direct the performance video for “Rambo (This Time We’re Gonna Win)”. Here’s what happened…

The result is a poorly-choreographed video featuring Fake Rambo dancing, lip-syncing and thrusting his fully-automatic weaponry to a room filled with…no one. Well, only a frantic Chinese delivery guy posed as a Viet Cong enemy that Fake Rambo met outside in the parking lot. I’ll admit it, I love this fucking guy. His current whereabouts are unknown but I expect with Stallone’s recent comeback that we’ll see our chosen deadbeat making a big return this year with disco hits for Cobra, Over the Top and Nighthawks.

A NEW BEGINNING.

Posted on July 4, 2014 7 Comments

That wise-cracking, pizza loving neanderthal Uncle TNUC (tee-nuk) is back at it again folks. Over the last two months he’s been held up in his backyard treehouse hangout, eating bag after bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos, watching horror movies and mulling over the details to this new land that we’re calling home.

Weclome to the brand new, unadulterated, unprotected LAND OF TNUC!

The only monumental movement I can compare this change to is when the Double Deuce bar went through it’s slick new renovations. The honky tonk hell-house that was once home to sleazebags and degenerates galore was transformed into a red-hot slice of nightlife, thanks to one man with a vicious mane and freshly ironed pair of slacks. Just like Dalton, Uncle T simply took out the trash and never forgot to “be nice”.

Make no mistake, the grittiness and slaughterhouse-mentality of our old stomping grounds still remains. The place just needed a renovation. So expect to see what we hold forever true; pizza, long-butt babes, fog, synthesizers, wailing guitars, mud wrestling, loincloths, barbarians, saxophones, lethal manes, trenchcoats, t-top convertibles, steamy back alleys, graveyards, crypts, pools lit at night, summer camp, dream-dates, explosions, and so so much more. To put it in a nutshell, our goal is to make this place give you that Friday night with a pizza and a rental from the video store feeling, every time you show up.

Now a question: What do all true cults and covens have in common? Answer: They NEVER want you to leave. That’s precisely what Uncle T had in mind when he designed this lustful land. The navigation bar on the side, for example, avoids having to leave and start searching elsewhere for your favorite TNUC video or mix. Just gallop over to the VIDEO VAMPS and MIXES pages and you can get lost in every video edit and harmonious meditation that we’ve ever done.

Now…onto our feature presentation…