Can you feel it?
The gates are creaking. Wind is howling through the trees. Rattling chains roll over wet leaves. Those grunting noises are drawing nearer. A guitar squeal echoes in the distance.
SUMMON THE WAGONS. IT’S THAT TIME, DISCIPLES OF TNUC.
TNUC’s Howlin’ Harvest is a horny hayride featuring some of our most beloved, bewitched and bastardly characters all seated on the back of Manimal’s tractor, ready to party down in your fair town. Every evening in October, after a long day of chasing innocent victims and scaring the bejesus out of snotty teenagers, these babes ‘n boogeymen climb aboard Manimal’s hayride and gallop deep into the night. Where are they going? Our best guess is to that old Victorian mansion on the hill. By Halloween night, that place will be the biggest monster mash from Timbuktu to Portland, Maine. Or Portland, Oregon, for that matter.
But what the word “harvest” truly represents this season is a personal feeling of AUTHENTICITY. You see, Uncle T recently relocated from an area of the country where a true Autumn was pretty much nonexistent. Sure, we had Halloween and loved it to death, but the PURENESS of the season was absent. Let’s just say, going about your day in 90+ temperatures and surrounded by palm trees in October will slowly rip your soul apart.
For someone who celebrates Halloween all month long, I hungered for, no, CRAVED things like fall leaves, cider donuts, apple orchards, hayrides, ancient graveyards, foggy forests and chilly Octobers. I needed it to feel pure again. I needed to be in a place where I can go for a spooky walk around town whenever I damn please.
This has now been made possible because the TNUC lair has relocated to the heart of New England aka AUTUMN DREAMLAND. For a crusty old Uncle like myself, it doesn’t get much better than this.
With that said, my approach with TNUC this season is to completely feast on all of Autumn’s offerings. These articles will be a reflection of that and I urge you disciples to do the same, wherever you are. Go for long drives, get lost, explore an eerie abandoned location, eat Halloween junk food, read a scary book, go for spooky walks at night, visit with the loonies at the mental hospital, fill your house with dry ice, watch horror movies on a grainy TV, build a backyard haunt, stay overnight in a haunted inn, binge on pumpkin beer, find a corn maze…or do nothing but stay tuned to uncletnuc.com!
Here’s a classic to get you in the right spirit. It’s Hallmark’s “Spooky Sounds” cassette tape from 1989.
Open the windows to feel the evening wind. Grab a beer or some warm cider and try to contain your nightly blood lust.
Big thanks to Cody Kaufman for once again crushing this year’s artwork!
Keep close and stay tuned, you nasty TNUC disciples. † † †
P.S. Watch out for that drunken ditch-digger in the cemetery tonight wandering around with his pants down. He’ll get ‘cha…