In these scenes from The Amityville Horror, George Lutz (James Brolin) makes it very clear that nothing stands in the way of a man and his axe, his beard and his lumber. Pay close attention to the expression on his face throughout the clip. So focused, so relentless, so terrifying.

Oak, cedar, pine…choose your wood.
Grizzly, sexual, violent…choose your beard.

I hope one day when I retire, I can relocate somewhere up North, either deep in the forest or by an ancient lake. I’ll grow my ferocious beard and chop wood all day and into the wee hours of the night. I’ll have enough fire wood to heat my home 365 days of the year. And I’ll do just that. My family will complain about the agonizing, scorching temperatures, but there’s nothing they can do about it. It could be the middle of December or the middle of July, rest assured that fire will be blazing. The wife and kids will be sweating profusely from the unbearable heat, while I’m relaxing comfortably in the living room…fire blazing, naked, beard sweating, eating a big steak and watching Road House.

Of course my old lady will love the bearded delight that walks in the door every day. As you can imagine, the strapping old beard works wonders in the bedroom. She calls it “The TNUC Touch“.

2 Comments on “BEARDED TERROR.”

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