THE WITCHING HOUR MIX.

“There’s a lot of screaming when there’s this much at stake!”

If you look real hard at the artwork above (amazingly portrayed by Blake Clark) you’ll see the striking resemblance between Uncle Thomas and Uncle TNUC. He’s got the blonde mop chilln’ on top of his melon, obviously right? He’s got the serious beak and his own personal holding company full of fundage that he weases off of mama. Oh and the dagger earring. Who could forget the dagger earring which has been passed down from generation to generation of “Uncle T’s”.

You see, Uncle Tommy Hopkins was one of the most notorious witchfinders throughout all of Salem in 1692. He was quite impactful with helping gather the group of young girls that claimed to be processed by the devil and practice witchcraft. We all know the story of the witch trials. But why ‘The Tale of Thomas Hopkins’ isn’t talked about in school is because he wanted to BURN those girls at the stake. He called for death by fire, which is a practice that hadn’t been seen since mid-1400s Europe. The sadistic bastard just couldn’t accept a good, old fashioned hanging. He wanted flames, pitchforks, cornfields burning and tomatoes and cabbage being thrown from the townspeople. Really though, can you blame the guy?

And for that alone, the Chief Justice of Salem removed Tommy Hopkins from the council. He was banished from Salem, locked in a medieval prison, ate cabbage water until his dying day and scrubbed away any mention in history books!

For the past 20 years whenever Uncle TNUC sees images of witchcraft, warlocks and broomsticks, he gets a little emotional. October rolls around and he’s reminded of his Uncle and the legend that could have been.

But not this October. The other stormy night while lightning crashed and curtains billowed from the windows overlooking the rocky coast of Castle TNUC, he decided to make one of his favorite hot stews. Unfortunately he had far too many beers that day and was passed out cold in the kitchen.

With the cast iron hearth running hot, the cauldron proceeded to bubble over and boil onto the floor. Just before the scorching hot stew crept inches away from Uncle T’s face, potentially about to turn him into a disfigured freak, suddenly up from the steam rose the face of ye olde TOMMY HOPKINS, beckoning Uncle T to arise! TNUC awoke in sobered amazement.

The spirit of this rotten bastard then repeated a whispering phrase over and over, “avenge my death….make me a musical concoction in tribute to my witchfinder days of lore”.

PROLOGUE: JOHN CARPENTER & ALAN HOWARTH – HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH
1) THE SISTERS OF MERCY – FLOOD II
2) W.A.S.P. – BALLCRUSHER
3) CHARIOT – EVIL EYE
4) GHOST DANCE – DOWN TO THE WIRE
5) JANIE JONES – WITCHES BREW
6) T.S.O.L. – SILENT SCREAM
7) GOBLIN – SUSPIRIA
8) ROSETTA STONE – WITCH (extended)
9) TORCH SONG – WHITE NIGHT
10) RAY STEVENS – CAT’S EYE
11) WARLOCK – BURNING THE WITCHES
12) PETER ROCHON – WITCH’S NIGHT OUT
13) MICHAEL BOYD & GARY MALKIN – UNSOLVED MYSTERIES
14) VIGIL – THERAPIST
15) MIKE ARMSTRONG- HOUSE OF THE DEVIL OPENING CREDITS
16) BLACK SABBATH – LADY EVIL
17) SNAKEBYTE – SHE’S A WITCH
18) LISSIE – DRAGULA
EPILOGUE: THE SISTERS OF MERCY – LUCRETIA MY REFLECTION

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GATEWAYS [PART 4]: SCARECROW SKATEBOARDS.

Around the years 1997 and 1998, I spent more time watching this skateboard video than actually skateboarding. More time than probably interacting with my own family. In fact when I really break it down, as much as I loved skateboarding, the thing I cherished even more was everything that came with it. The videos, clothing, friend hangouts (fiend club), free stickers, free catalogs. You know, “the culture”…

But we’re not here to talk about skateboarding. Speaking in terms of HORROR, the company Scarecrow Skateboard’s ‘Disturb Not the Sleep of Death’ VHS is probably the most impressionable 35 minutes my life during those formidable years. Not only was this video my introduction to ghoulish punk rock (The Misfits, The Damned) but the entire aesthetic of this tape was California skater kids doing their version of a low budget, old school horror movie.

Entire video is available to watch.

I was pretty invested in skate culture so I can report that no one was doing horror themes at that time. In between skating and during random moments of the video there were B&W scenes from old hammer films and shot-on-video crappy effects that just flat out ruled. I remember a scene with a coffin opening and blood clearly squirting from a huge ketchup bottle.

As mentioned before, the first time I heard The Misfits was on this tape. The first time I heard SLAYER was on this tape — which began a slow, deep dive into heavy metal and things that weren’t played on the radio (basically anything beyond Metallica).

I absolutely LOVED Scarecrow. Everything they created provided me a beginners prelude to spookiness. From the elements of gothic horror to just random shitty photos graveyards in their advertisements. The company really set itself apart from the rest of the pack at the time. From my recollection they were the only ones paying any sort of homage to classic horror. My favorite skater of theirs was Jason Adams who pretty much personified the whole thing about Scarecrow. Twelve year old me loved that his name was a combination of that Jason Voorhees fella and a member of the Addams family (I think?).

The first skateboard I ever owned was the purple one on the left. Below are some advertisements from magazines like Thrasher!

My friends and I would watch the Scarecrow video countless times and then go reenact scenes in the driveway. We figured if these older kids could do it, why not give it a whirl and eventually we’ll get there. Well, what we lacked in sk8-or-die talent we made up for with camcorder creations. Videos were made a lot during those days. Skateboarding, reenactments of VH1’s Behind The Music, sneaking up on my sister, following the cat around, messing with the pizza delivery man, backyard wrestling and little tales of terror.

G a t e w a y s is local crusty historian Uncle T exploring his past and finding out what guided us on this journey into horror. Join us for other chapters:
Gateways [PART 1]: VHS Aisles of the Video Store
Gateways [PART 2]: Psycho Lunch
Gateways [PART 3]: Jaycees Haunted House
Gateways [Part 5]: Children of the Corn

GATEWAYS [PART 3]: JAYCEES HAUNTED HOUSE.

This next installment of g a t e w a y s is all about fear.

Fear is what made me wuss out by not walking through the underground tunnels of an abandoned psychiatric hospital-turned haunted horror house at 7 years old. Fear is what caused the embarrassment of calling my older cousin on the phone to come pick up his chicken cousin from the front steps of the building in the photo above in October of 1992.

But fear is also what implanted fascinating images of horror in my cerebral that I couldn’t shake for months. Images that peaked my curiosity. This after just simply WAITING IN LINE for a haunt that I never even got to experience.

On a chilly night in October of ’92, Pops TNUC drove me, a friend, my sister and her friend to this much talked about local haunted house attraction in the town of Foxborough, Massachusetts. Leading up to this night we did hear some stories. These weren’t tall tales from other kids, but factual “adult talk” from parents and teachers at school. Apparently the actual building where the house was being held was originally a metal institution that had been vacant and abandoned for a long time.

One angle of the sprawling gothic facility.

This facility was initially known as the “Massachusetts Hospital for Dipsomaniacs and Inebriates” and dated back to the 1890s. The hospital handled severe alcoholics for many years but its location was not as ideal as they hoped. Due to its easy access to roads and railways, they experienced problems with inmates escaping. They moved that facility to a new location several miles away. In 1905, the old Foxboro campus began to treat psychotic disorders.

For decades the hospital continued to develop and treat a large number of patients, but as new treatments for mental illness were discovered, there was less of a need for facilities like Foxboro State Hospital. By 1975, it was closed. 

The state began using the buildings for different functions and organizations throughout the following years. The community program “Jaycees” found an ideal home for their haunted house. What could be more promising than an old psyche ward (which was most likely haunted!) The attraction proved to be their biggest fundraiser and was one of the largest non-profit haunted houses in New England.

For a long period in the 1990s, Jaycees was drawing large crowds almost nightly during the Halloween season. The evening we visited was no exception as our group began to wait in a long line that zig-zagged through an auditorium room. There were TVs all over the room playing old horror movies. Actors dressed as zombies and grim reapers roamed about. This is about the point when pint-sized TNUC started to get the willies.

As I would find out a couple years later with more haunted house experience under my belt, while waiting in line at these types of places, the haunt workers like to walk around and stare or sneak up behind visitors to scare them. Even though I was with family and friends, this was a new concept that completely freaked me out. I couldn’t take my eyes off this one actor who had a ghostly face and just stood against a wall, staring at me the entire time. The others walking around didn’t bother me so much, but that one ghoulie old dude just standing there blankly…emotionless…those dead eyes right on me.

Looking back now, this guy was doing a spooky job well done but at the time I wasn’t amused. He was probably staring at all sorts of people in line but I was convinced he was exclusively fixated on me.

Between him, the zombies sneaking up behind people and the dread of our spot in line getting closer and closer, I was done.

Pops TNUC called one of my cousins to come pick me up as he stayed with the others to walk the haunt. I realize I was only 7 or 8 years old but it was still a big, wussy moment in life. Of course afterwards when I asked “how was it?!”, any regret I had was turned around because it sounded goddamned terrifying.

Apparently not just the building was an old psyche hospital but the connecting buildings throughout the property as well. The haunt was able to occupy these underground tunnels that stretched from the basement of the building to across the street into other buildings. This proved to be an effective way of scaring the daylights out of people, which is why Jaycee’s was talked about so much at the time.

I can remember my sister saying that a guide aptly named “The Reverend” lead them down almost pitch-black tunnels into different rooms and that the haunt seemed to last forever. Her friend was screaming so loud it was freaking out the entire group even more.

When I returned to school, I didn’t exactly broadcast the news that I didn’t go through the haunt. Instead I was quiet about it and just listened to others talk about how scary it was. I couldn’t stop thinking about these pitch-black underground tunnels of an old “mental ward”.

Fast forward one year later and I worked up the courage to attend the popular haunt SPOOKY WORLD which I’ve written about many times. This was with a pack of my own friends and there was absolutely no time for wussing out. Spooky World was fantastic but I never went back and conquered Jaycees Haunted House in Foxboro. (Still a wuss!)

G a t e w a y s is local crusty historian Uncle T exploring his past and finding out what guided us on this journey into horror. Join us for other chapters:
Gateways [PART 1]: VHS Aisles of the Video Store
Gateways [PART 2]: Psycho Lunch
Gateways [PART 4]: Scarecrow Skateboards
Gateways [Part 5]: Children of the Corn

GATEWAYS [PART 2]: PSYCHO LUNCH.

I’ll never forget the carefree, summer afternoon of 1993 when my best friend’s mother made us lunch and had us watch Psycho for the very first time.

Why this is such a pivotal moment is because A) we hadn’t seen a horror movie up until this point and B) she didn’t just throw the movie on. She *hosted* this living room event.

I’ll never forget how insistent and convincing she was when explaining the movie’s plot and how we had to see this. She promised to make one of her specialties, linguica sandwiches, as we sat down to watch.

Those those of you not familiar with linguica, it’s a traditional Portuguese sausage with spicy and smoky flavors. Wash it down with an ice-cold Nestea or Lipton Brisk and you have reached the heavens above.

There we sat on that sunny day. Taking a break from going in the pool to eat lunch and watch Norman Bates become his mother and stab a woman in the shower. I bet Mrs. Haselton’s VHS copy of Psycho had the perfect grainy quality to it as well.

G a t e w a y s is local crusty historian Uncle T exploring his past and finding out what guided us on this journey into horror. Join us for other chapters:
Gateways [PART 1]: VHS Aisles of the Video Store
Gateways [PART 3]: Psycho Lunch
Gateways [PART 4]: Scarecrow Skateboards
Gateways [Part 5]: Children of the Corn

GATEWAYS [PART 1]: VHS HORROR AISLES.

When it comes to the earliest memories of forming an interest in “horror”, meaning a fascination with creature features, ghoulie dudes, scream queens and nasty things that go bump in the night, the easy answer is Halloween. Once you start at a young age dressing up as The Wolfman, Phantom of the Opera, Jason Voorhees and Jack Skellington, it’s probably safe to say you’ve opened up a gateway. Fast forward a year and Pops TNUC takes me to see KISS, which completely seals the deal. Life-sized monsters on stage with explosions, fire and blood. Not to mention I saw my first pair of random boobs that night. Whether or not I was conscious of it, I was swirling into a spooky vortex.

But when I really think about it, there were a few specific instances plucked out of my youth that if Uncle TNUC was to lay back on a psychiatrics’ leather sofa to perform a study on his brain, these would jump right out. My parents weren’t Vincent Price and Elvira. They didn’t watch horror movies, so like many others I had to seek this stuff out on my own or have it naturally fall on my lap.

These are my gateways to horror…

This first gateway is an easy one! How many Friday nights did I find myself wandering past the comedy and action adventure sections of the video rental store to take a peek at those dastardly VHS covers in the HORROR section? Too many to imagine.

Just finding the courage to pick up the VHS clamshell of Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 and imagine what sort of complete psychopath would actually watch this movie was enough for me. But the fascination was already there. These movies had artwork that was so over the top and beyond what my young impressionable brain could handle at the time. Just simply walking down the horror aisles with my older sister and not renting a single thing was a form of entertainment. I’ll never forget seeing the VHS covers for Killer Klowns From Outerspace, Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things, Rumpelstiltskin and Jason Goes to Hell while thinking, “you must be a certified maniac to watch this stuff”.

While I was bordering on fear and curiosity, I’d return home from the video store and be thinking about these movies. Who actually made them? Who watches them? Most importantly…when will I be watching them?

For some musical accompaniment to this first installment of “gateways”, here’s an upbeat number from the 1987 movie The Stepfather. Another bonafide VHS rental classic.

I hope you enjoy the next round of g a t e w a y s and be sure to leave your own personal early experiences in the comments section.

GARTH’S BEDROOM.

From Buzz McCallister to Chainsaw (pure coincidence with those two names being power tool references), TNUC has virtual-toured some of cinema’s most bodacious bedrooms to ever grace the boob tube. But quite often it’s the obvious ones that demand a closer look. Bedrooms we’ve seen hundreds of times but haven’t hit the pause button for 10 seconds to admire.

GARTH ALGAR is a prime example. From 1992’s Wayne’s World, Garth is a guy that loves his rock ‘n roll, monsters, sci-fi and outrageous blue restaurant cocktails.

The best teen bedrooms are the ones that capture what’s going on at that exact moment in life. All the current obsessions and “statements” whether that be music, movies, food, extracurricular activities, illegal substances, horses, fast cars or dream girls/hunky men. For Garth, the five second bedroom scene is a quick glimpse inside the brain of a quirky, blonde-mopped teenager who is the best friend of Wayne Campbell. There is so much to cherish about this bedroom. Have a closer look…

exhibit 1

1. Alice Cooper posters (there’s one above also)
2. AC/DC poster w/ Angus coming out of a rocket
3. Judas Priest ‘Painkiller’ album poster
4. Beast of the Yellow Night poster (1971)
5. Thin Lizzy ‘Chinatown’ album flat
6. GARTH IN A MADONNA-ESQUE MUSIC VIDEO POSTER!

exhibit 2

Now you see why we do these “I SPY” articles. Seen here is Garth with a poster of himself doing what appears to be his best Madonna “strike a pose, vogue” music video treatment.

exhibit 3

7. Led Zeppelin poster
8. Severed rubber arm
9. Horror masks
10. Jimi Hendrix ‘Are You Experienced’ record
11. Heavy metal dog!

exhibit 4

12. Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary poster (1975)
13. Another severed rubber arm

Two severed rubber arms in his bedroom is interesting because in an earlier scene in the movie, Rob Lowe’s character Benjamin visits Garth in his workshop where he begins to hammer down aggressively on a mechanical rubber hand that begins to crawl away during their conversation.

exhibit 5

14. KISS ‘Destroyer’ mouse
15. Freddy Krueger glove
16. The Phantom of the Opera figure
17. SEGA Game Gear

Let’s all take another moment to acknowledge Garth’s heavy metal collie. Party on!