UNSOLVED MYSTERIES: 1-900-740-DUCK.

The year is 1991. You’re up late and half-asleep, catching sleazy 1-900 commercials in between the 2 a.m. showing of Child’s Play 3. That half-comatose, hazy feeling in the middle of the night on the couch can be a strange time. Your mind drifts in and out while the low volume reverberates and the brightness of the television is the only light in the room. Suddenly in the middle of one steamy commercial after another, a duck wearing a trench-coat and sunglasses emerges alongside the sultry ladies for the hotline 1-900-740-DUCK. Now you’re wide awake. The next few hours are spent tossing and turning as you can’t shake the image of this killer pimp stuffed animal duck.

At least that’s what happened to Uncle T during that fateful night of March, 1991.

Some might argue that “DUCK” is just another word for the other letter of the alphabet that just happens to be the same number on your touchtone phone while dialing the 1-900 number.

Others might allege that these hotline vixens were just huge fans of the movie Howard the Duck, which would have come out five years prior to this commercial. The world will never forget when Lea Thompson’s character has an actual sex scene with an anthropomorphic duck.

As much as I respect those theories, I don’t buy any of it. Something about that 1-900 “DUCK” just rubs me the wrong way. Watch the commercial again and look into his eyes.

What do you disciples think? Is TNUC over-analyzing? Or are you too frightened by a smooth-talking, trench-coat wearing , fuzzy duck who arrives in the dead of the night while you’re half awake and should be nestled softly in bed…