THE LOVE ROCK.

When people ask me where I’d like to settle down in my old age — when all the partying, debauchery, camp counseling, mud wrestling tournament judging, skydiving naked, car crashes and public indecency allegations start to slow down, the easy and obvious answer is the town of Mortville.

Known as the divorcee capital of the world, Mortville is a small but colorful community of horny maidens trying to make a decent living. For a guy like Ben Healy and his adopted, little redheaded, asshole child who was voted most popular orphan at the orphanage two years in a row, Mortville seemed like an obvious place to start over for a father and son. I mean, just look at the above photo of all the women in the neighborhood lined up to welcome Ben to town, with homemade casseroles and pies, acting like they haven’t seen a man in decades.

The Love Rock is Mortville’s crowning historical landmark. The imposing monument dates back to the earliest settlers of the town who stole the rock from the Natives, who at the time claimed the rock had magic powers. Make a wish at The Love Rock and it will come true…

I can’t think about The Love Rock without humming the words to the song which plays during the end credits in Problem Child 2. Of course we’re talking about Rik Emmett’s “Saved By Love”, which was also featured on Rik’s final studio album Absolutely in 1990. Rik is best known as the vocalist, guitarist and founding member of the Canadian band Triumph.

In the words of Junior Healy, let us all recite back these words in honor of The Love Rock while listening to the song:

Mighty Love Rock,
we come to you today to ask a big favor.
We got two parents and we want them
to fall in love and get married
so I don’t get stuck with that bitch LaWanda.
I hope this isn’t asking too much,
but you’re a magic rock
so you’re probably used to these things.
Please help us.

Since the song isn’t very easy to find via the motion picture soundtrack or Rik’s album, here’s a free download courtesy of Uncle T:
Rik Emmett – Saved By Love